LAST EDITED ON 10-29-15 AT 04:15 PM (EST)
Clouds rolling in, and the first winds from Hurricane Penelope are causing a pendulous swaying of my Coconut Palm tree penthouse. My pitcher of Mai-Tais slops over with every sway. Conveniently, a svelte barista also named Penelope and also with cute little pendulous swayers, is keeping the refills coming. But, spillage is a waste that I’ll just have to prevent by directing overflow into my mouth. Fortunately I know that coconut palms can take hurricanes so I should be safe. I’ll emerge dizzy and plastered but whole. Win-Win-(burp) Win.
(Erp - well, maybe a little losing).
Hello, time once again for your weekly update of the latest spoilers from Survivor Cambodia, brought to you by me, Lumpy Stumpfeller, and my merry berry brown band of Raunchy women, all ValDicktorian graduates of the raunchiest girls finishing school in the West, East, North, or South. Everywhere their raunchy spying is regarded as the best, the least moral, the most sensuous, and the slitheringest. In addition, they are renowned for their Moped mechanical abilities which allow them to raze small villages and leave innocent elders not so innocent anymore.
That’s the life we lead, and, thanks to your contributions and the forced contributions of various parties who shall remain nameless so that they can’t find us, we are able to afford the means to provide to you the most bestest spoilers you have ever seen. Right here direct from my Coconut palm penthouse, we bring to you, the best, the biggest, the sexiest, and the ring-dingiest spoilers there ever were.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #1: A 3:00 am wake up by Probst is enough to give the heartiest Survivor a heart attack. Unfortunately his son needed a heart transplant, so Terry had to leave the game. However, it appears that his son’s operation was successful and he is recovering.
We took a vote, and me and the Girls of Raunchy U. think Terry deserves another chance in some upcoming season, maybe one with a “Quitters vs. Medical Evac.s” theme. However, I’m not enthusiastic about seeing some of the quitters again, so maybe another theme?
Anyway, Conrats to Terry and his son.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #2: Just as an “I told you so” the third tribal switch predicted in this column came off as predicted. So “Nya Nya, and in your face, doubters”. (I am nothing if not modest, but I think you’ll agree I deserved that).
Now Angkor is extinct. A mercy killing.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #3: Kass vs Spencer. Still a fume? Whew. She never forgives and never forgets, but she throws up real good.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #4: Once again Kimmi throws her tribe under the bus by refusing to eat meat. Apparently insects and clams are kosher, but pig snout is taboo. I mean, they did shave it and clean out the boogers, right, so it should be OK.
And I’m surprised that Keith didn’t step up for the pig snouts. I think that’s considered a delicacy where he comes from, except he probably prefers it with whiskers and boogers.
Kudos to Jeremy for grabbing the leftover balute. Spot would be proud.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #5: And they all learn that roaches and deep fried tarantulas are smooth going down, but not so smooth the next morning. Lots of groaning coming from the foliage the next morning.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #6: Applause to Probst for his repeated descriptions their meal of insects as “Juicy, crunchy, and lots of guts”. I think the survivors were into puke mode before they ever stepped up to the table.
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #7: Be honest, how many of us were expecting the slip and slide challenge to produce nip-slips?
Ring-Dingiest Spoiler #8: Survivor Hand book Lesson (what are we up to now? A million something? Anyway let’s just go with - ) Next: When Jeff asks if anyone has the HI and wishes to play it at TC, don’t look over to the person you’re about to vote for. (Looking at you, Savage). That’s called a tell, dumbass.
Tribe rides again!