This week we got the juice. Or, more accurately, we are juiced. Or we are the juice. Or something. I am confused and bemused, but the native coconut moonshine is what it is, and we got it. We are juiced to the gills. In my case, literally.
Halloooo again, broadcasting from the treetop penthouse accompanied by my loyal but really very raunchy and insatiable band of sisters, all graduates of the - you guessed it - Really Really Really Very Raunchy Girls Finishing School of the Deep Throat, Shallow Thoughts, and Immediate Gratification. A very versatile bunch, who, when not fomenting rebellion and promoting teen angst, serve as my super-duper slithery suppliers of secret and stealthy spoilers the likes of which other spoiler suppliers only wish they could find. But they can’t and we can, so hats off to us. And as usual, I am in awe. (BTW, Missyea can eat it! Yeah, you heard me! I don’t see anyone else in the room. I said it! Eat it, Missyea! Eat it!)
And, now that you are in awe also, here are the latest in our mutual awesomivityness:
Awesomivityness Spoiler #1: Me. Of course. And my band of bouncy babes. But you knew that already.
Awesomivityness Spoiler #2: Angkor has no food, no supplies, no shelter, and no idea. And they have to trek over 10 miles over hot island deserts and crocodile infested swamps to reach each challenge site. And each Tribal council, which they, and no other tribe, has had to do every three days.
They are keeping up morale in the only way they know how, by, putting on a play and selling tickets. It was Varner’s idea, he is a big Little Rascals fan and remembered how Spanky and Alfalfa would get the Woman haters club all energized by the idea until Alfalfa fell under the spell or Darla and broke the fundamental rule of the club - No girls allowed - and got kicked out.
The woman hated in this play is Abi, and the hapless lover is Varner. Bye Bye Varner!
Which brings us to…
Awesomivityness Spoiler #3: Abi to Tasha – “Why were you talking to someone else but me? What are you talking about? You were talking about me, weren’t you! You are planning to vote me out, aren’t you! Why do you think I’m being paranoid whenever you talk to someone but me? Are you trying to stab me behind my back?(?)”
Abi to the monkeys – “Why were you hooting at someone else but me? What are you hooting about? You were hooting about me, weren’t you! You are planning to hoot me out, aren’t you! Why do you think I’m being paranoid whenever you hoot at someone but me?”
Awesomivityness Spoiler #4: Which is another segue and leads to this spoiler - Don’t ever look at a monkey’s butt. Don’t ask why, just don’t do it.
Awesomivityness Spoiler #5: This week there will be an intrusion into the Angkor camp by a naked woman and a naked man, both carrying spears (well, pointed sticks), and both looking vaguely guilty. And surprised.
They claim that they were left on the island together, without clothes, they are expected not to fornicate like rabbits (so much for the guilty look), and they are supposed to survive for 21 days with a Swiss Army knife that only has a bent nail file blade left on it.
There will be a standoff as the Angkor tribe members are held at spear point for a few hours and frisked for beans and rice. After the production crews get together and debate whether they might/could make a new conflict based reality show out of this and what the local laws are in regard to torture and kidnapping, and after the naked man and women start discussing long pig recipes, the intruders are escorted to away to continue their naked non-fornicating lifestyle in the comfort of their own jungle. Peace is restored, except that Abi will accuse Woo of talking about her to the naked woman. He wasn’t of course, he and she just wanted a little variety in their diets, IYKWIM, and by now neither were too picky about body hair or cleanliness.
Awesomivityness Spoiler #5: Monica will mention that her goal is to eventually get rid of the men and have a woman’s alliance. Which brings me to this question, what is it with this perpetual Reality Show quest for a girl alliance? Why does this always come up as a thing to do? It never works out. One of the few absolutes of Reality TV is that women contestants do not get along with other women contestants, even gay women with gay women (the shivs come out), so why do they always want this?
“Tain’t natchurl” (spit), as Keith says.
And why is Monica inviting Spencer to join an All-girl’s alliance? Is his middle name Caitlyn?
Awesomivityness Spoiler #6: We find that this week there will be a new low in blatant product placement and bald-faced Survivor merchandising. If you thought that the EPMB had already reached the lowest of the lows buy having even more tribe switches which of course generated more buff designs and more stuff to sell than ever before, well, no, you would be wrong, because he will always find a new and even lower low.
This week the EPMB tricked Kass into making more Survivor Souvenirs. This is how he did it, and I must admit, it was pretty sneaky. He (actually his minion, he doesn’t deign to dirty his hands) hinted that maybe she should try and make a fake HI. Like anyone would be fooled by now, in the 31st edition of Survivor, and after 30+ futile attempts in the past. But she fell for it (Was it hunger? Bug bites? Lack of boinking? Natural insanity? Whatever). But then, as she was stringing beads the old devil goes and nudges Kelley awake and she spots Kass’s activity. And naturally figures out what she was doing. So Kass had no other choice than to pretend it was a birthday present for Kelley.
Kass – “Whaaaaaat? You thought it was a fake idol? Pssssssshhhhhh, as if I had the skill to make a fake idol. No, of course not, it is a present for you, for that birthday that you had (when was it? Last month you say?). Fake Idol? Would I do that to you? Trust me. Would I lie?”
And so now, the EPMB can get his Chinese child labor factories to churn out millions of them for sale on his Survivor Auction website.
Awesomivityness Spoiler #6: Quote of the week – Varner in Abi’s ear just before he walks the plank to the Ponderosa; “You little Bitch!”
Best exit line ever!
Two nipples walk in to a bar...