LAST EDITED ON 10-01-15 AT 12:17 PM (EST)Here I am and here we are once again, back for the umpteenth time, this time reporting to you from the 60th floor of the tallest island Coconut Palm Tree. The very top of the tree. Yessiree! The elevator stops here, at the helipad. I have my sleek slithering super spies reporting hourly on the ongoing crisis on the island. And the news they are bringing in is good, bad, and worse. And even worser still. There's been murder, thievery, chicanery, and the passing of counterfeit coconuts. And we have it all recorded.
My girls have had to interrupt their pastime of raising hell with the elderly (hey, they deserve it for being old and weak) and tweaking the noses of the Federales who never seem to understand that whenever they catch one of us, that all my girls have to do is whatever it takes to distract them with raw sex and whatever sexual perversions are their particular weakness, and they walk. And everybody wins.
On the other hand, maybe those Federales are smarter than that. Maybe that is actually the reason they pursue us so diligently.
Huh! A Revelation!
Maybe it’s not smarts, but boners? Maybe Federale boners are driving the whole deal. But, again, everybody wins so who cares?
So anyway, this week the goings on in the Survivor camps require the full attention of my Spy Corps (the really really really raunchy spy corps), and they have some amazing spoilers this week. You might even call them Trumpesque in their grandeur.
Trumpesque Spoiler #1: These second chancers, they’re HUGE! They’re TREMENDOUS. They have weird hair. They are over the top in pomposity! They have the worst hairstylists, and they have people, because that’s what they know how to do, get the most tremendous huge people.
(Correction: Those are all the things that they don’t have. Sorry, I was reading off the wrong list).
(Editor: We are now switching into Non-Trumpesque mode. We prefer to live in the real world of the Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School of Ravishing women and Scarifying Mechanical Moped Mayhem. You know, just keeping it real).
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #2: The Cambodia payoff. In this part of the world it’s expected that bribes to all levels of government are just a part of normal business. Rumor is that the all-time greatest tightfisted cashwise tightwad, EPMB, paid most of his bribes on his knees instead of using cash. Just a rumor, you understand.
Another rumor (that I made up. But it could happen!) I heard that that’s how he pays his staff. Just another rumor, but it sounds just like him, Right? Right?).
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #3: Wentworth will bury her idol in the jungle. Little does she suspect that R. Hantz is lurking. Always lurking. He is still claiming to have won his seasons of Survivor, and he’s already claiming that he’ll win this season too (BTW, he also claims to have won the Amazing Race four times, that he’s the all-time champ on Jeopardy, and that he has enlisted Vanna to make sure his wheel is spinning real good, IYKWIM). Bad news for Kelley is that he’s on the island looking for all the HI’s he can find. She needs to think up a better hiding spot, somewhere where no one will dare look but close at hand in case she needs to use it. Hmmm…
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #4: "F__ with me, and you’re dead."
OK, we’ve gotten some pretty dramatic and foreboding quotes in the past, but Abi-Marie has IMO the all-time greatest quote, mainly because it was serious - she was actually thinking about murder and not just eviction - and it came true. Except for the death part. But it’s about as close as you can get and still be on prime time TV.
Little Miss Mafia Boss. A mafia boss with a thin skin is plenty dangerous.
F--- with be and you’re dead!! Fuhgettaboudit! Brazilian soap opera stars are pretty hard core, I guess.
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #5: So, this season, Spencer shows up wearing the same Tee shirt that he wore in his other season? He never heard of Kickstarter? I think he needs the money more than the others.
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #6: Savage spins a probably made up yarn about meeting a beauty queen/international model, falling for her at first sight, and marrying her, living happily ever after, yada yada. It’s so sad everyone cries. But wait, marrying the kind of woman that has motivated many an adolescent locked door bathroom session isn’t sad. It’s great. So WTF?
Anyway, our spies were not fooled, while his tribe mates were weeping he was picking their pockets. It’s the old "watch this hand while I pick your pocket with the other" distraction con. He’s pretty good. Between him and Abi-Marie, they have all the ingredients of a crime syndicate.
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #7: Dietz wants to play a morally upright game this time around. So obviously he isn’t going to win. What’s the first rule of Survivor? Lie, cheat, steal, and canoodle. He has no chance. He’s sweet meat for the tribe crocodiles.
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #8: Peih-Gee smuggled a cosmetic kit onto the island. I guess that’s why she needed two bags?
Non-Trumpesque Spoiler #9: The RC/IC challenge proper name was “Blood Trails”.
(Sorry Tribe, the Pope told me it was OK to steal this. He said it was the will of god.)
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