LAST EDITED ON 05-21-15 AT 09:36 PM (EST)
(Really Rod? You voted for Will? Mercifully Jeff doesn’t ask Rod to define “Outplay”, or “Outwit”. We don’t need another 5 minutes of Rod’s blank stare.)
Here we are. And there we go. I’m Coconut Bob bringing you the last of this season’s very accurate and surprisingly poignant spoilers. Sadly, it is for the last time. Until the next time that is. But this really is the last time that you will hear from Coconut Bob. I have to assume a new identity every once in a while just to keep ahead of the high and mighty rabid dog Federales who seem to think that leading a gang of Really Really Really Very Truly and Very Earnestly Raunchy girls from the legendary Raunchy Girls Finishing school of Winsomeness and Wistfull Sighing on raids to hoo-rah small villages and tie their hapless elders to street lamps, and soaking them with beer and whisky (don't worry, we only use the cheap stuff) while making fun of them being old and stuff is illegal. I’d just like to see the statute on that, by gum.
Or maybe they object to the loud exhausts of our customized Vespa choppers? They do have a sweet sound that can be heard miles away. Like a flock of Lear Jets coming over the hill.
Why do they want to catch us anyway? When they do, the girls spend a week in their company and then just walk away leaving some spent but very satisfied soldados unable to walk straight or see thru glazed over eyes. Well Ok, when you say it like that, I can see why.
Anyway, the good news is that Survivor is #1 in TV ratings this season. Thanks to…you guessed it…the solid platinum super accurate spoilers that you read here every week. We bring the goodness that is spoiling to you. For free. Well, free to paid up subscribers, anyway, so if you love Survivor, if you love me, if you love slithery sleek super-hot girl spies, and if you love mothers and America and apple pie, keep those subscriptions rolling in. Pay-me-Pal preferred.
Anyway, this is the last set of spoilers till next season, and I’d just like to thank the EPMB for letting me borrow Roma for a while (she’s an animal), and for letting me steal his black card so I could build my skyscraper and buy a Gulfstream Jet. And I’d like to condemn him to an eternity of sharp stick poking for repossessing the building and the jet, and for cancelling the black card. Dam, that thing came in handy. Oh well.
Here they are, the last of the pure platinum spoilers:
Pure Platinum Spoiler #1: Family visit this week. And Rod sees his dad and calls him brother. Rod’s dad sees Rod and calls him brother. Something amiss in the old Bostonian hillbilly family tree?
Pure Platinum Spoiler #2: (Just skip this one if you’re tired of hearing it). Rod’s plan for this week is (yawn) “We four vote out Mike”. So naturally Mike wins F5 IC, F5 reward, and F4 IC, and is still alive at F3. And Rod isn’t.
(Ed. One of the very few things that I won’t miss is reporting on is “Rod makes a plan and it fails, again.“ Man that was getting old and oh so predictable. Please, Lord in charge of Survivor Returnees, let’s never see the face of Rod again. By all that’s holy. Amen).
Pure Platinum Spoiler #3: Rod goes home without ever going on reward. Ha Ha.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #4: Skinny Will. Will got thin. Demonstrating that even misogynic sexist bullies can lose weight.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #5: There was no cussing at camp while Mike’s mom was visiting. And everyone had to pick up their rooms and make their beds. But no one could make spaghetti like Mom (Sigh. Just give me moment, sniff. Ok, better now).
Pure Platinum Spoiler #6: Mike and his mom will take a walk to enjoy a private moment between a loving mother and her devoted son. And a camera man. And a sound man. And a production crew. And millions of TV viewers. Intrusions into such moments of intimacy and privacy between a mother and her son are just priceless.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #7: And we meet the person who is funding Sienna’s barrel racing career, her Dad. A cowgirl's specialized barrel racing horse doesn't come cheap. But she loves it, and Daddy loves his little girl, so there goes a few hundred grand. Awww.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #8: So, why does Shirin seem so hot all of the sudden? (Her first million? Her First? Come to daddy! So, what’s your sign? Do you like monkey sex too?)
Pure Platinum Spoiler #9: Dunce Dan the Disgusted and Delusional and very bitter Drama Queen shows his stripes. Again.
SOME ONE SHOULD JUST SLAP HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND SHUT HIM THE HELL UP!!!
(Ed. - And yes, I did mean to use three exclamation marks!).
Pure Platinum Spoiler #10: One more futile Rod spoiler during the F5 Immunity Competition; Even with cheating Rod can’t beat Mike. Even his plan for everyone to gang up on Mike doesn’t work. Rod has become the very definition a of Zero on the competence scale, and a 10 on the futility and loser scales.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #11: The final words from Rod in Nicaragua are the typical classless rant that we’ve come to expect from Rod. Make that a 10 on the jerk scale, too. And a 10 on the “Tool” scale.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #12: Will tells Mike he is guaranteed 150,000% that he will leave. When will they realize that when they make these predictions, that they are guaranteeing that they won’t happen? And 150,000%? Please, Will, hyperbole would be 110%, you don’t really need to go to 150,000%. And does that mean, anyway?
It was a nice gesture from Will when he volunteered to put the Immunity Necklace around Mike’s neck after he won the final IC. It would have been even nicer if Jeff hadn’t had to wrestle him to the ground when he tried to strangle Mike with it. When Will started foaming at the mouth screaming “This is the only way, this is the only way, I’m taking one for the team!” the producers had to dart him.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #13: It wasn’t shown, but they had to use the electric heart shock paddles when Will died during the stadium steps challenge.
Pure Platinum Spoiler #14: After she tied Rod at the final eviction, Carolyn crossed herself and pointed to heaven. She should have pointed down and prayed to someone who knows a little more about fire.
Well, folks, it’s been fun. See you whenever the heck this tripe invades our TV viewing again.
It’s been fun (Ok, I need another moment, sniff. Ok, I'm warning you, please don't cry, if you cry I won't be able to stop…).