LAST EDITED ON 03-19-15 AT 11:02 AM (EST)
"When the rooster crows at the break of Dawn,
Look out your window and your head will be done gone and been chopped off."
Coconut Bob ringing in the new year for you. Whooee, Happy New Year!!! Whooeee!!!
What, it’s March already? What happened to January and February? I was what? I was where?
OK, folks it seems that I have some catching up to do, the New Year’s party (…Oh Jesus, which year was it? 2015? Whew. For a moment…well never mind) was a pisser it seems. And they’re telling me that we’ve already begun Survivor Season 30, the year of the No Talent, No Brains, and No Bikini Bottoms. (What? - Collars? What about collars? Don’t confuse me with collars, my head hurts).
Anyway, while the supremely talented and comforting, not to mention naked, girls from the RRR R School of Southern Comfort, Grits, and Chicken Frying bring me up to date and tend to my throbbing needs (and my pounding headache), I will lay out the latest and the greatest and the most bestest spoilers ever, courtesy of the Nicaraguan monkey express.
And this week we got a butt load of spoilers.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #1: So, with four chickens, three egg laying hens and one rooster whose only asset is his drumsticks (unless you enjoy a 4:30 am wake up), they boil up one of the hens.
Welcome to the new No-Brains tribe.
Once again they demonstrate why every tribe needs a good ole’ southern boy (or girl). Where is JT when you need him? Or even Shambo? No one who knows his or her chickens would ever let the rooster live. (And I apologize if I’m breaking the code of male brotherhood).
Bestest Spoiler Ever #2: Speaking of No-Brains, we come to Dan.
Dan Dan, the lady’s man, he can woo them if no one can.
Except he can’t. He, in his 42 years of aging and learning all about how to talk to women (or anyone, actually), has somehow never learned that there are no “buts” in apologizing. As in “I’m sorry, I apologize, BUT…”. That just doesn’t work, Dan. Never has and never will. You can live to be 10 times as old as Mike, and you will still never get it.
There is a reason that there are P.O. boxes, mail slots and mail boxes, and that is so that mailmen don’t have to interact with customers. Because they don’t have that skill.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #3: Will lives. In spite of having no athletic ability, no stamina, and the inability to out think a looped rope, he survives. I’m beginning to think that he will GO…All…THE…WAY!!! (Not really).
Bestest Spoiler Ever #4: After her exposure on Survivor, Shirin will be recruited to sing the national anthem at all sporting events in 2016, and in each case an encore of “Whistle While You Work” will be demanded of her because (as we all know), she’s a “professional” whistler.
Then, she looks down and sees that she has no bikini bottom (curiously, she does have her bra on), and that the entire audience is staring at her with stern looks, and wakes up screaming in her monkey lover’s ear.
(Disclaimer: I sometimes have that same no-bikini bottom dream)
Spoiler alert: Shirin is nutso crazy. More crazy than Matt.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #5: Speaking of Matt. To Matt, the survivor experience involves getting stung by a sting ray. In the event that a sting ray isn’t available, stepping on some coral and claiming to be stung by a sting ray (twice) will do.
“Quien is mas loco?”
Bestest Spoiler Ever #6: Latest innocent victim, a garden snake. To what depth will these animal abusers sink? Can a snake not get a little sun basking time anymore without someone biting its head off?
Those cute little Capuchins better sleep with one eye open. As should those Iguanas. And those centipedes, they make a pretty good in-between meal munchies.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #7: Speaking of sleeping with one eye open, Sierra is plotting to kill her blue collar tribe mates. It’s not bragging, they will be dead to her. That sort of thing is legal on Nicaragua if your Survivor tribe mates vote against you and you survive. It’s a new law.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #8: Dan was served this morning with a lawsuit by Kelly for his first degree inept dumbness causing injuries.
Kelly, however, emerged as the real blue collar tough guy/person. It is expected that Rod will wake up dead after he advises her to live up to a higher standard. Mike is already her personal pool boy. It’s just too bad (for him) that Kelly is swimming in a different lane.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #9: Rod’s “cool, calm, and collective” attitude has the Boston public school system screaming in agony.
Bestest Spoiler Ever #10: So, the question of the day is, where did nip-slip Jenn hide that HI, anyway? Of her two alternatives, one would hope that she chose the one over the other.