LAST EDITED ON 11-06-14 AT 12:11 PM (EST)
Back again, bringing you the soothing cool late night sounds from your favorite FM station, it is I, your late night host, Breast mode, back again for all you cool cats and kitties, with another round of super slimy spoilers.
Our guests tonite are the always really really raunchy girls from the Really Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School of Late Night X-rated Entertainment, Pole Dancing, and Vespa repair. They have just completed their midterm raunchy fashion exams in which they had to design a complete wardrobe for every occasion, from beach wear to bar hopping to opera wear.
I’m pleased to say that they all passed, even though there was only one acceptable answer, full nudity all the time. All of the girls were very carefully judged from all angles on a case by case basis. Truth be told it was an easy A course that they took to bring their grades up so that they could stay on the Survivor spy team. It would have been a shame to kick any one of them off the team, they try so hard, and they look so cute squirming their way on their bellies thru the sandy jungles, willing, nay on their knees begging, to do anything to get these spoilers so that you, dear readers, can amaze your friends at the water cooler the next day.
That made me very happy, so happy I decided to give them an F in something just so that they would have to repeat this course.
I could go on and on, and I’d really like to, but I signed a contract drawn up by the distinctly low brow and shady law firm of Merge, Purge, and Surge (Surge is a sadistic Mafia hit man known as “Fat Ear Eddie”), and there is a zipped lip no squealing clause about not running at the mouth, and the director is giving me the “quit the gab and get on with it” sign. So, since I favor having knees that bend the right way, here goes:
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #1: It was a dark and rainy night at an unnamed (OK, it has a name, but who really cares?) San Juan Del Sur beach. And we find our host Jeff in deep conversation with Julie. Julie is the girlfriend of ex baseball reliever John Rocker, who lifts Volkswagen Beetles as part of his daily workout. One would think that would dissuade our favorite cooter hound from moving in on Julie. It would have me. But once Jeffery is on that scent he does not deviate.
All this goes to explain how Jeff got his face removed and both arms and both legs put in casts. Also the neck brace. It would been more merciful just to have had him killed. He just isn’t pretty anymore.
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #2: Germy still hates everybody and everything, and thinks everybody is stupid.
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #3: After the previous TC, the tribe tries to explain to Keith the surprise votes for him. They offer the following explanations:
1. We got confused and thought that we were voting for you to stay. Our Bad.
2. The Beach Crab Labor Association cast those votes for you. Not us. Nuh-uh, we’d never do that.
3. Germy hates you and told us to vote for you, we’d never have done that otherwise.
“Why does Germy hate you, Keith? Why is he plotting to murder you in your sleep? Word to the wise, you should be proactive.”
“What? You don’t know what proactive means? (sotto voce- you ignorant hillbilly you!)
“I can’t say exactly, just know that the ocean washes blood off machetes real well. And coconuts just fall out of trees on whoever is standing below them. Sometimes. ”
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #4: Future Spoiler alert: Because no one was able to explain who was “Water”, or exactly how “Water” was pertinent to these people, next season the EPMB has let it slip that they will introduce a new, more explicit twist. “Ghetto Black vs Hillbilly White”. Throwing all concepts of PC out the window, racism will be on full display and the challenges will be divided between swimming challenges and speed events. This is obviously an attempt to gain ratings and maybe get back in the EMMY competition. You just know that the EPMB is pissing in his pants at that thought.
The familiar musical themes will be replaced by Hip-Hop and Banjer musical themes, with some retro Classical Rock thrown in.
The ever resourceful EPMB has plans to introduce Asian, Hispanic, and LBGT teams in the future. He figures that from the LGBT groupings he can devise 5 or six different seasons of Survivor. Hate groups are a demographic that no one has gone after before, so we will see what the future holds. Maybe he’s a genius like he says he is.
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #5: So, not only will there be no hidden clue at the merge feast, apparently no one even thinks to look for it. Some super fans these people are.
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #6: Back to the long lists of mistakes Missy (why do you think she is called Missy?) has made:
1-3. Three divorces. These are beginning to fade in relevance compared to the ensuing Missy-takes.
4. Baylor. Still a humdinger of a Missy-take. A major Missy-take.
5. That 50’s swimsuit. Obtained from the deepest depths of a used clothing store. A minor Missytake, but still, incomprehensible.
6. Those cowboy boots. For life on a sandy beach! To be used in athletic competitions! I just hope I don’t have to learn that she has a brain tumor. Because that would be sad, and it’s not funny for people who have them, or their families. But it would explain a lot.
Fat Ear Eddie’s Spoiler #7: Speaking of the Benevolent Association of Beach Crabs, they took quite a hit this week. Buster’s oldest (and slowest) son was offered up as a belated birthday gift. On a stick.
There is sure to be some late night meat bag pinching (and scuttling away) in the future.
Tribe puts me in my happy place.