LAST EDITED ON 05-15-14 AT 01:57 PM (EST)
Life in the ever shrinking and always shrieking of population of the Survivors is tough. Tony’s NJ patter, complete with hand gestures, Trish’s reptilian presence, Kass’s ability to piss off the pope, Spencer’s Cheshire smile, and Woo’s inscrutability are making things pretty uneasy around the old campfire.
So here again am I, Spoiler Sam, with the latest and by far the greatest spoilers for your amusement and edification, all collected by my band of merry women (and they are indeed merry, life for them is fun fun fun), most of whom are graduates of the Really Really Raunchy Girls finishing school where the fine art of honey pot spying and sleuthing is taught along with the basics of Vespa Mechanics and How to make your Moped Chopper into the baddest thing on two wheels. Some of the girls are still undergraduates, and by under I don’t mean “under”, because they do prefer to be on top, and a few others are included because they were recipients of “Too Dam Sexy” scholarships. These girls don’t need to learn a dam thing. They just be.
So this week I received a few new bits of info when a Galapagos Tortoise wandered in with notes from the field tied to its tail. And here they are.
Tortoise Spoiler #1: According to Woo, sitting next to Tony at the Final would be lovely. And a spontaneous “ewww” was heard roiling across the nation, coast to coast. Of course, the West Coast reaction came an hour later, on PST.
Tortoise Spoiler #2: A remarkable series of pictures was captured by a team of wildlife scientists who just happened to be on the island and who spotted the rare Reptilicus Lizardian Trishibilicas slithering around camp in feeding mode:
The Trishibilicas coils its body and rears its head. It lines up its victim and slithers into place in preparation for its attack from behind cover (Tony).
Then Trishibilicas attacks with a lightning fast move too fast to be seen by the human eye!
Finally, a behavior rarely seen in nature; Trishibilicas expresses smug satisfaction as it digests its meal. Licks its lizard lips, as it were.
Witnessing nature at its most disturbing was unfortunately too much for these intrepid scientists, they were found the next morning hanging from the white tree near the path to the well with suicide notes pinned to their lab smocks. These pictures were found in the pockets of one of them by my spies who had to work around Tony who was digging there for another Hidden Immunity Idol.
RIP, those brave souls gave their lives to advance science.
Tortoise Spoiler #3: A recent discovery was made in regard to Kass; The root cause of her foul attitude and her peevishness is the fact that she had to be separated from Mr. Peabody while competing on Survivor. Sherman has never had to face hardship without his wise adviser to guide him.
Tortoise Spoiler #4: Tony will once again reach into his bag of tricks and employ his new invention (his mind is always working, always working you see); an invisible Spy Shack. Heck, who knows, this might actually work against New Jersey crooks. Kass, our alert lawyer, is not fooled.
Tortoise Spoiler #5: Kass will get ultimate satisfaction against her nemeses, one who said she would rip her apart and the other who promised her that she would be the next to go. She gave the middle finger lawyer salute to the first one, Trish, as she walked out on the path of shame. It remains to be seen if she will do the same to the second, Tony. Here’s hoping, though.
Tortoise Spoiler #6: Tony will finally run out of relatives to swear on, and will begin to swear on rocks and dirt and stuff.
Tortoise Spoiler #7: In the world of spit take causation, Trish will accuse Kass of being self-unaware. Pot, meet kettle. What is the thing the kids are using now? LMAO?
In addition, she will admit that she (Trish) was just too nice a person to win this game. Puke, meet pot.
Tortoise Spoiler #8: We finally learn how to feed Tony in real life. Grab a pizza, smash it into a ball, shove the ball into Tony’s mouth, and use a ramrod to push the ball into the breach of his gullet. If you’ve ever loaded a 16 pounder, you get the picture.
Then, toss empty pizza box, grab full box, and reload.
Tribe strikes again
(Thank you thanks you all for your continuous and very generous support)