I realize Shakes has not yet posted a summary for the second episode but hey, it's been really hot here in Chicago and some of us have better things to do than watch really bad reality tv shows. On the other hand, some of us don't. You want youze summary, you gets youze summary. That's right. I had to watch it and now you have to read it. I feel the love.

Previously on Big Bother III:

12 Houserats moved into the same old house.
Josh and Eric moved in on Lisa.
Intrepid explorer Chiara discovered the world’s last living virgin, Jason
Intrepid explorers Tonya and Danielle used all of their mental factors to deduce that Marcellas is gay.
6 of the houseguests formed an alliance.
Lisa nominated Marcellas and Lori
Tonight: A big new twist. This one is so novel, so exciting and so surprising that we couldn’t call it the Switch Card or giving away the Immunity Necklace!!!!
And now on to an episode we like to call…

Who Moved My Cheese???

For some reason we have to start with a whole bunch of yammering and preening from the hamsters. Apparently this is so we can “get to know what they are really like” better. Yawn. Fast forward. What you mean I’m actually supposed to summarize this crap? All right here goes…

We get a bunch of confessionals starting with Lisa who declares “I think the nominee selections were just wonderful. Why I couldn’t have done a better job if I had picked them myself instead of just doing whatever Josh tells me to do!!”
On to that guy who looks like Eric but isn't who was for some reason super-stressed about the nominations despite the fact that a) he’s spooning with Lisa’s “best bud” Chiapet and b) nobody can tell him apart from Eric. Glad to see Big Bother is once again canvassing mental hospitals for its contestants.

Speaking of mental patients, we move on to Lori who is giving a speech about how she’s “not done here yet.” Yes you are Lori, move along.
Marcellas, who apparently thinks if he does a Monica imitation he too can finish third on a reality tv show now declares that “It’s AWWNN!” and mumbles a bit. Then he launches into a tirade "I can’t believe that b!tch Lisa. I went out of my way to be nice to her while ripping on everybody else in this house and making them feel like they were lower than low. Why is that a reason to nominate anybody? By the way, I hate Josh.”

After the nominations, Danielle, whom most people including apparently the other hamsters had forgotten was even on the show, comes and tells Lisa she made great nominations. Lisa mumbles her thanks and tries to get away so she can ask Josh whether this is part of the plan or not.

Meanwhile, Josh decides to work on Jason, whom he perceives to be a threat. Why Josh? Because he’s not only taken away your virgin angle but has more chance with any of the women in the house than you do? Josh has also apparently decided to shave his chest in an apparent attempt to look more like Jason, but it actually just makes him look like a younger creep. In any event, Josh tries to get Jason to work with him for a few weeks. Then he says “I wish I was Jason, so maybe I should follow him around like a dog all day and he’ll like me.” Actually, he says that Jason wishes he were Josh, but clearly that was a misstatement that needs correcting. What a tool.

Meanwhile Gerry Luther King, who I guess is still part of the 6-pack for the time being lobbies Lisa and Chiapet to nominate the Virgin Jason next time around. Chiapet, who just days ago was trying to get down the Virgin’s pants, readily agrees.

All right enough of the boring crap, we can finally move on to something people actually care about…eye candy and possible sex. Lisa has her eye on soon to be fired Firefighter Eric so we have to watch the guy flex for the cameras and talk about “supersets” and “controlling his hose.” Eric Lookalike and Tonya are also both in love with Eric, so it’s possible we’ll have some pretty fun hot tub scenes in the near future if the Ugly People don’t break up the Beautiful People Alliance by the end of the week. Eric of course, oblivious to all the love in the house, spends all his time playing with the living creatures in the house closest to his intellectual level, the lizards, who have apparently declared him their King. Great, like Eric needed more of an ego boost.

After all these preliminaries we finally get a Food Competition. Everybody is supposed to name the 5 food items they are each craving. You would think this would be easy, but several problems soon develop. Josh keeps telling people they are wrong and they are actually craving the same foods he is craving, and Amy somehow manages to steal the list and replace most of the foods selected with 50 different kinds of cheese.

Back to the interminable plotting. You know the hamsters are boring when all we see day after day is preliminary plotting that means nothing this early in the game. Come on Arnie, can you give these people something to do other than play cards and whine? Anyway, the Virgin Jason happens to notice Invisibelle and tells her that he was “approached” by Josh. This worries Danielle. Man, everybody wants to get it on with the Virgin Jason and poor Invisibelle can’t even get noticed. Come on Danielle, it worked for Vee, so don’t knock the strategy. Anyway, the Virgin Jason and Invisibelle form an alliance of sorts. Invisibelle is going after Josh. “I got you, and I’m ready to go.” She also throws in “It’s Awn!” just for us all to remember that she is the Monica character and then promptly does her best Ramona imitation by puking and writhing on the floor.

Finally it’s time for the swimsuit competition…I mean food challenge. The challenge will involve eggs. Tonya immediately takes off her top and starts covering herself with egg yolk. (I think Ice Cat has screen caps of this; he’s good about that stuff).

Anyway, the competition is extremely simple. The women stand on one side of a wall and toss eggs over it to the men who put them in a basket. Each egg has the name of a variety of cheese (or in a few rare cases other foods) written on it. For every egg in the basket, they get that variety of cheese. Halfway through, the men and women switch roles.

Despite the simplicity of the game, the men somehow manage to nearly get into a fight over “strategy.” Listen guys, first figure out how to catch eggs before you worry about the order you want the women to throw them in. What nonsense.

OK, you can pretty much guess what happens. Lori and Josh break most of the eggs and everybody gets splattered with yolk. In the end, the team ends up with the following food: sardines, butter, ham, tortillas, flour, corn dogs, tartar sauce, yogurt, scallops, chicken, steak sauce, and 21 kinds of cheese. Not a bad showing but Amy, furious that Josh dropped the egg with the word “Provolone” on it, pelts him with an egg. He retaliates. Awww. I think Josh likes Amy!

Now we have to watch them all jump for joy as they get their food. Yeesh you’d think it was Day 31 of Survivor and these people had eaten nothing but twelve grains of rice for a month. Poor deprived people, they pigged out the first day and now might be losing weight. Unlike Survivor again there is so much food that they have to put most of it in the storage locker. The others decide to play a joke on Amy by telling her that there is no cheese and she has nothing to eat for the next week. She immediately bursts into tears and threatens to walk. OK, I like cheese and all but this girl needs to get a grip.

Back from commercial, Marci reveals to everybody that he is gay. Come on Marci, we’ve been here for a week and you don’t think anybody knew?

Lisa for some reason decides she doesn’t want to sleep in the HOH room anymore so she and Eric move into the room with Lori, Chiapet, and Marci. You can tell it’s going to be a slow episode (has anybody considered 30 minute shows?) when we have to watch them try to rearrange themselves so that Eric doesn’t sleep next to Marci (that might blow his cover to the guys at the firehouse) and that Lori isn’t sleeping in bed with anybody else (because that might make her kids think she is trashy instead of just nuts).

And if you thought that scene was boring, hold onto your hats because now we get to watch the most exciting game of all...Chess! After a few minutes of watching The Virgin Jason and Josh plot some inane strategy while capturing each other’s pawns I am starting to question why we have been subjected to the XFL but nobody has ever tried to show primetime chess matches. I’m serious. Everybody here who would rather watch Gina and Jessie play chess than another episode of Big Bother with Julie Chen raise your hand. That’s what I thought.

As if that wasn’t bad enough it now appears that Eric Lookalike and Chiapet are getting closer. Their courtship, like their math abilities, is still stuck in 3rd Grade. Their bedtime conversation includes the following lines (I am not making this up.)

Eric Lookalike: “I learned you’re a super great girl. I think you are.”
Chiapet: “I think you’re a dork.”
Eric Lookalike: “Dorks think you’re cool.”

Speaking of poor math skills, GLK is now trying to explain to Marci how the eviction vote works by using playing cards. “Nine people are voting, so you need 5 because 5 is more than 4. So find 5 people who like you more than Lori.” He needs cards to explain this? Actually, Marci can figure this out on his own and GLK is just talking to him in such a condescending attitude because of his inherent racism, which he will likely recognize in an upcoming episode.

Gerry Luther King is also searching for other allies to his cause, so he tells Invisibelle that Eric trusts Lori more than her but that he(GLK) totally trusts her. Then he runs to the Diary Room and jumps up and down about having found a new useful person he can work. “I am a teacher. I am a negotiator.” No you’re not Gerry, you’re just a backstabber entangling yourself in far too many webs to have any real hope of winning the game.

Marci is mad at Lisa for nominating him, especially since he was purposely nice to her as soon as she won HOH and only moaned, complained and isolated himself from every other houseguest. Didn't we see this scene already. He tells this to Invisibelle, who says she wishes they had immunity challenges. Hey Shapiro quit giving the contestants cue cards or at least come up with more believable foreshadowing.

Now that Marci has sunk as low as possible it is time for his inevitable rehabilitation. One night (I have no idea what day we’re on anymore) he opens up and starts being funny with lines like “Put me up against the divorced mother, and not even the one with the big stripper/headlights!” Yeah, I know it’s not funny. Apparently the hamsters are humor-deprived.

Suddenly a mysterious symbol appears on the screen. What is the meaning of circle with a slash in it? Chiapet, who has never been told No her whole life can’t figure it out. Josh, who hears it all the time finally explains it to her.

Anyway there’s a big exciting new twist to the game, it’s called "Giving the Immunity Necklace”. Actually, I think thats trademarked, so they call it something else. We know what it really is. With it you can take one nominee off the chopping block and force the Head Hamster to nominate somebody else. If one of the nominees wins the veto, they cannot save themselves but can save the other nominee. The Immunity Necklace will be awarded every week and the first competition is up after the commercial.

Back from commercial we get to watch Amy (now eating Swiss Cheese) to explain the rules a second time for the slow kids, which includes most of the hamsters. Seriously guys the rules are not that complicated. I think even the lizards have figured them out by now.

The Julie Chen clones in the Diary room now ask everybody what they think will happen and get a range of boring “It depends who wins” kind of answers. Gee, the logic of these people is killing me.

Time for the competition finally (Ooh the suspense just kills me!) They have 12 incredibly cheap cardboard cut-outs on space suit blue and pink bodies. At the base...oh I’m not going to describe the whole thing. It’s an elimination challenge like breaking plates or throwing a slingshot on Survivor. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you need to quit reading this summary and go watch a real reality tv show.

A bunch of people have apparently declared they don’t want the Immunity Necklace including the biggest wuss in the whole house Eric, who goes up first and shoots himself out of the game.
The last 3 left are GLK, Marci, and Josh and Marci takes great pleasure in ousting Josh.

Lori is up next and can take aim at either Gerry or Marci. Unsure what to do, she places a call to Lamber from Survivor 2.

Lori: Lamber. What should I do? If I knock out GLK and Marci wins I’m guaranteed a few more days here because Marci can’t veto his own nomination and the 6-pack is sure to keep me in here rather than send me back to the state hospital. But that will make him feel bad. Plus, I’m sure GLK won’t decide that his approval of Marci’s nomination was due to his racist homophobia. If anything, he’ll sorry for me because I’m the second oldest contestant and veto me, right?

Lamber: OMG. Whatever you do, don’t fight for your life. OMG. Just roll over and play dead. OMG, I hope I’m your role model.

Lori then promptly ousts Marci from the competition. Gerry wins the veto. Whatever will he do?

I don’t know. Actually I do since I’ve now seen the next two shows as well. And I get to summarize them...including one with Julie Chen. What joy. Anybody want some cheese?