LAST EDITED ON 08-03-01 AT 02:17 AM (EST)

TIME TO BOOGIE YOUR ASS ON DOWN THE ROAD

Previously, on Big Boredom........

Three media whore squatters were evicted from the sound stage and one other was escorted away in handcuffs and the fashionable Hanibal Lechter muzzle. Meanwhile, Kent spent the week annoying and alienating the other 7 pathetic whores, the film crew and just about everyone within the greater metropolitan Los Angeles area. But, while Kent played Rhett Butler, Miek played a solitaire game of “what color is the sky in your world?” when talking about being nominated. Said the delusional one, “I’m a fucking star and he’s a fucking extra!” And as I sit back and watch Miek’s pontifications (sorry Miek, thought I’d steal your .10 cent word for the week) I find myself wondering aloud if this friggen moron even knows what show he is on??? It’s Big Boredom, not West Wing....hell, it ain’t even The Bette Midler show or Normal, Ohio! In other words, there are NO STARS, in fact this show is sooo bad that there aren’t even any extras. No, these whores are more like body doubles for the extras. It. Is. That. Bad!

Alright, where was I??? Oh yeah, talking about what happened previously on this horrid show. Well, basically (and to save some time) a bunch of annoying, non-charismatic, self-involved and just plain stupid people sat around on their collective ass all week and plotted each other’s demise. Basically, picture Survivor, only instead of a mysterious and exotic locale we are stuck with a barren, converted parking lot with four walls and a pool that looks like a flood water retention reservoir. And instead of watching the contestants go through a series of physical and mental challenges, this show gives us six different trivia questions each week during which the only moment that even qualifies as remotely interesting is when we get to watch the squatters attempt to answer a question correctly while at the same time tip-toeing around the glaring fact that Krista had a baby when she was 14. Classy, that one is.

Ya know, enough of this background crap, lets move right into the meat of tonight’s live show......

The show starts with the obligatory greeting from Julie “do you want fries with that?” Chen who is carrying a piece of paper which is undoubtedly her resume since its never too early to start circulating that to all the fast food joints and dry cleaners in town. Says Julie, “Last week on Big Boredom, Kent nominated Miek Booger and white trash prom queen Krista. Miek and Krista blah blah blah blah blah.........” I’m sorry, but every time that dumb b!tch opens her mouth I just want to throw shit at the TV.....and I have a really nice TV, so I’m just gonna skip most of the parts where Julie “love you long time” Chen is talking.

The scene shifts to the squatters, who are assembled in the living room for tonight’s live show. Miek is yet again using this opportunity to make a plug for the bar that he may or may not own as both he and the trailer trash sitting to his right are wearing matching Belly T-shirts as myself and the 12 other people watching this show are given yet another reminder of our promise to never step one foot in that shithole, even if Shannoying, Miek and any of the other whores are hanging out there. Well, I might show up to see Autumn, but only if she promises to bring her goiter.

Next we cut to the Diary Room (gee, great name) interviews with Miek and Krista and their reactions to being nominated. Says Krista.....well, actually I can’t concentrate on what she is saying because I am mesmerized by the cold sore the size of the Gaza Strip that is rooted to her upper lip. Herpes much, anyone? Gee, that’s a real shocker.

Miek, on the other hand is all class.....”Kent, I want him dead! His wife, dead! His kids, dead! His friends, dead! His fucking cousin who lives in Arizona and he’s never even met, dead! Now, I’m going to my trailer to rest my larynx...DON’T DISTURB ME!” And then in a moment of clarity Miek realizes that he can’t truly be the rock star that he thinks he is without some sort of venereal disease.....so he goes right over to the Louisiana Lush and plants a big wet kiss on her moist, succulent disease ridden lips. Yum.

Then, out by the bike racks Miek plays “3:00 High” with Kent as he tries to bait him into a fist fight. Says Mike to Kent, “I am so sick of living with your nappy ass!” Excuse me, but nappy ass??? Miek, news flash........YOU. ARE. WHITE. Learn to live with it. It really ain’t that bad. That about does it....I don’t think Miek can get any lower than trying to start a fight with a guy twice his age on national TV, but wait, I speak too soon as Miek easily lowers the bar another notch by bringing Kent’s kids into the mix...”you go home and explain to your kids why you act the way you do.” Uhm excuse me a minute, but am I missing something here Miek?? I mean, I want to understand where you are coming from, I really do, but this is a friggen game show, and a horrible one at that. What did he do that was sooooo terrible? You make it sound like he harbored fugitive Nazi’s in his cellar during the 50's until they could secure safe passage to Rio. Get over it, bitter isn’t really a good look for you.

Alright, enough with the lecture, let’s move on....

Now Krista, who doesn’t really care if she loses any of the food challenges because she could spend the week feasting on her own crabs, is railing on Kent in the Diary Room, “I’m not mad because he nominated, I’m mad because I’m on national TV with a case of Herpes soooo obvious that even Ray Charles wouldn’t fuck me.”

Next, we get the obligatory “who’s screwing over who” montage. First, its Will trying to screw over Krista, then its Kent screwing Hardly, then Hardly screwing Kent, then Will kissing major Nic-ho and Hardly ass, then Bunky crying about something, then Will joining forces with Hardly and Nic-ho and sealing it with what can only be described as a thumb wrestling menage a trois.

Now, something really odd happens. Kent is sitting by himself in the backyard doing his best Jimmy Stewart impersonation as he lectures America (or at least the 13 that are watching) on the virtue of family and positive role models. The whole thing is pathetic, moronic and reeks so bad of being staged that you half expect Mark Burnett to jump into the frame at any moment, yell “Cut!” and call for Kent’s body double to stand in so they can re-shoot the scene from a waiting helicopter. But, that wouldn’t happen cause we all know that none of these reality shows are rigged, right? Right??? Aww, forget it, its just like pro wrestling in a way in that as long as you don’t think about it being rigged, you can almost fool yourself into thinking that its not. Almost.

Now, its Hardly’s time to sit out in the yard alone and deliver a poignant and clever monologue to the viewers of America. Well, he’s not really alone...he did bring along his 5th grade reading level and 7th grade speaking skills as evidenced by his butchering of the old “tangled web we weave/practice to deceive” quote.

Back to the studio where Julie “sucky sucky” Chen tells us its time to take a deeper look at the backgrounds of Krista and Miek. First up is Krista as the cameras travel to Hicksville, Louisiana and the rat infested diner she works at. Says Ray, her boss, “my relationship with Krista is that I hired her approximately five years ago, immediately following the obligatory job interview blow-job. Everybody she makes contact with at Ray’s diner loves her, and often comes away with their very own case of the Clap.”

Now, on to Miek......we get a bunch of interviews with random panty droppers who work at Belly’s...basically a bunch of boring crap and since I hate Miek and don’t really care about the nice things people have to say about him I’ll just skip this part.

Alright, this summary is getting way too long for such a crappy show so its time to speed things up a bit....don’t worry, you’re really not missing much.

Back from commercials, which are never long enough on this show, we are treated to the blossoming of a brand new BB2 beautiful friendship, as Will and Hardly find common ground in each other’s self-love and vanity. Basically, who cares....they form a friendship, they form an alliance, and they walk around with their shirts off. Next.

Back to the live portion of the show. Will greets us by doing his impersonation of the Incredible Hulk which really isn’t funny, but the other squatters laugh like he’s Henny Youngman, circa 1959. Ya know, I gotta say something here and I know this isn’t gonna be a very popular sentiment, but the fact is over the last few episodes Will has gone from my most hated squatter to far and away the ONLY person I like in this entire horseshit cast. Plain and simple, the guy is an asshole, but at least he knows it and is proud of it. He ain’t running around like a certain b!tch on Survivor we all know, pissing everyone off and then trying to claim that she’s not a jerk, she’s just honest. As far as these reality shows go, if you are gonna be an asshole, admit it, accept it, and learn to love it. Have fun with it. And that is exactly what Will has been doing since Shannoying left. That thing he did with the Ouiji board and his “dead” cousin was hilarious. Watching Will mock the 7 other morons in this cast is the only relief I get during this crapfest.

Next, Julie “Coming soon to a public access show near you” Chen directs a question at Nick, I mean Monica....sorry, I have trouble keeping my non-existent, non-entity, non-speaking black people separated from each other on all these game shows. Julie asks her some generic question and Monotoneca responds, “things are hard, but they’re just gonna get harder and harder and harder and harder.” And then it was sooooo funny cause right after she uttered that “brilliant” quote she looked at her fellow squatters and broke out into a huge grin as they each gave her their approval for her biting wit in the face of such a tough question. Yeah Monotoneca keep it up, that was a great one. Really.

Then it is time for the nominees to address each of the 13 viewers personally. Miek takes the classy route for the first time EVER and just says that he is happy to be there and if he stays he stays and if he goes he goes. Then, herpes girl busts out a stuttering non-sensical rambling that would make even Irene from Real World/Seattle envious. Ya know, its crazy cause I know she has herpes, but she talks and rambles on like she’s in the final stages fo Syphillus, so your guess is as good as mine. Here, let her explain, “First I want to say hi to all my friends and family and if our little town actually had electricity you could be watching this right now. Also, about the week in the house, let me blow it up for the world, or in the alternative, the 10-15 people that are actually watching this crap. Basically, Kent is a jerk, he tried to make alliances, he made statements to the group but the group wasn’t really saying the same thing and I even hugged Kent by the pool even though he doesn’t have cigarettes and today is my birthday so I learned how to spoon with Booger and he’s a 98, so that’s all I have to say about that. Y’all come back now, ya hear!”

I’m not even gonna attempt to figure out what the hell that all meant...its best if we all just moved on.

Oh wait she’s not done, there’s more.....”basically, if I stay in the house, what comes around goes around and PB baby, PayBack.” Uhm, not to be picky, but two things I want to point to America’s favorite carrier of disease. First of all, as for the what comes around goes around crap, didn’t this b!tch nominate Kent a few weeks ago? So, sounds like it already came back around, and bit her right in the ass (which is still safer than kissing her maggot infested lips. Hell, having sex with a monkey contaminated with the Ebola Virus is probably safer than kissing Krista now that I think about it) And second of all, “PB????” nice fucking acronym. There is nothing more annoying than when people make up pointless acronyms and then tell you what it stands for in the same sentence. That kind of defeats the purpose of the acronym in the first place, that being so you don’t have to waste your precious time saying what the whole thing stands for. But, I guess she must’ve been out making babies the day they taught that in her G.E.D. class.

Back from commercials we are treated to some useless filler about what it means to be Head of Whorehousehold. I think I’ll spare you and just skip this inane segment, thank you very much.

Next, we get the obligatory one on one interview between JC and the HoH in the private HoH room. Kent, who for some reason can’t stop picking at his face during the entire interview, basically cries to Julie about how nobody likes him, nobody respects him and how they all think his balloon animals suck (sorry, had to throw in a “Shakes the Clown” reference...I doubt anyone caught it, so I’ll just move on now).

Back from commercials we learn that apparently the star was too big for the show as Miek Booger is voted out by a score of 4-1. Next comes the tearful goodbyes as the terrible twosome of Miek and Will share their final embrace. Then, Miek gives Krista his pet rock even though those things went out of style in like 1978. The rock is nice, but I would’ve gone with a tub of Neosporum (sp?) ointment. Hey, just trying to think practical over here.

Now comes the part where the media whores jockey for camera time by seeing who can produce the biggest flurry of crocodile tears as they bemoan the latest cast member to be ejected. And the winner is.........Herpes Girl, there’s a shock. As Bunky consoles her in the bathroom, her tears well over and form a pool on the sink’s counter top and all I can think about is whether or not herpes is water communicable.

During the obligatory exit interview, Miek tries to recount all the mistakes he made in playing this game, but since this is only an hour show and not a weekend long telethon Julie cuts him off before he gets on a roll. Then Miek plays the “threat” card and tries to claim that he was voted out cause he was such a huge threat to win the whole thing. Gee, I don’t know, it might have something to do with the fact that you were a complete asshole, but who’s keeping score at this point. You want to pretend something else, go right ahead, it seems to be working for the “I was too popular” Autumn and the “I only got voted out cause I told everyone to vote me out” Shannoying. Alright, I’ve already wasted a month watching this moron, so were just gonna skip the rest of his interview and let him get an early start on disappearing forever off the show biz radar screen. Shouldn’t be long now, or maybe he can get hooked up with an exclusive interview on Court TV like Autumn did.

Next up is the coveted Head of Whorehousehold competition. And guess what???? It’s a trivia contest about their fellow squatters!!! Alright, until they do something new and different on this craptacular show (not holding my breath) I am boycotting all trivia competitions. I will only be announcing the winner from now on, and sometimes I may not even do that.

So, keeping in the terms of my boycott, Hardly wins yet another HoH competition, and then the master of wit screams out “Damn, its hard to be so good!” followed by his own laughter at his superior sound bite ability. Nic-Ho, who even though she is a vegetarian has had no problem shoving her tongue 6 inches up Hardly’s ass over the last few weeks, is first to run into his arms to offer up congrats. Then, in case any of BB’s 13 viewers were in the bathroom the first time, he screams out his “damn its hard to be so good” line once again.

Back from commercials, Hardly lets Julie “Can you say bad career choice” Chen know that he already knows which two squatters he is going to nominate. The show then mercifully ends as Julie informs us that from now on Big Boredom will be on an hour later since CBS is trying to do something about the fact that the show finished in 7th place out of the 8 shows in its time slot, beating out only the PBS show where that one guy with the fro paints pictures in the time it takes Krista to blow a casting director, and the only reason BB beat that show is because that guy died like 5 years ago.

THE END (we can only hope)