Official Reality TV World Summary: The Apprentice 3: Episode 16:

Well, we are two weeks away from this complete catastrophe of an Apprentice season being, mercifully, over. To add insult to injury, Verna quit during Week 3, adding one week to the season. Add that to the change to three one-hour episodes from one three-hour episode, and when all the dust settles, Webby needs more reviewers. If you guys want a recap of last week, then read Ginger's Fabulous Summary. You can either believe that my VCR did not record the beginning of the recrap, or I am plugging some of the amazing summary writers on this site, or I am lazy. Any one of the three would be correct. Anyway, the theme song blares and I bring my notepad out to take illegible notes for your reading torture pleasure. I will note, since I am unoriginal and I actually like the writings of Bill Simmons (BTW, for certain OT-Sports people who abhor Bill Simmons, I have some bodyguards around my house to protect me just for that comment), I will shamelessly borrow a diary-style format. I am converting the time for the actual showing time in your local area, because I’m nice like that. Or maybe because I can’t tell time. Whatever works.

9:01: The intro starts and I hear “For the Love of Money” for the second time this week. What’s the odds in Vegas on Bo making more money then either Tana or Kendra under Trump© anyway? They can’t be that good, people actually have hopes for Bo. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind performing in a third world country like Kendra would…whoops, bad flashbacks, sorry.

9:03: I could cover the one minute that Kendra and Michael talked, but I would be violating the “Michael” clause of The Apprentice Handbook, which reads as…

I. Any conversation including Michael and a group (of at least one) person must mention the words, “European” and “Supermodel” for Michael to care.

If he doesn’t care, why should I? Anyway, Tana’s comedy of errors begins, as she decides to place Kristin in charge of a creative project, in this case, a program for the Olympic event. Now, Chris has the attention span of my dimwit cat and Brian is more interested in Viking Hats then anything else, but giving the person who lost on a task where her opponent made cucumber porn a creative project? It’s the equivalent of giving Shawn Kemp any sort of contraceptive, and he has children in 36 of the contiguous United States, Hawaii, and even a few other countries.

9:04: Tana’s little pet Kristin decides to whine about the placement of some of the signs in the arena. Kristin wants them to move or fix their toys, while Brian and Chris want to leave the blocks and power rangers where they are. They both try to reach mommy first to give their side of the story and mommy has to mediate. Chris and Kristin are both sent to sit in different corners. Brian threatens to go home if he doesn’t get his way, then Tana reminds him that his feet cannot reach the pedals anyway, and he proceeds to shut up.

9:06: Wow, that was a short commercial break. Four commercials won’t even let me respond to a post here, or make a sandwich. I can’t even piss in that amount of time. All I know if that they tried to sell me a car (which cost about as much as a few years of college), tried to sell me a movie (I think about extreme sports and drugs or something), and television shows I wouldn’t watch.

9:07: HOLY CRAP, BRIAN’S NEKKID!!! Wow, that’s some scary, scary imagery. If you didn’t see the episode, well, I envy you. I missed the whole scene the first time I saw it, but I saw way too much skin the second time around. Did they need to show us that? Well, I guess they did, they showed us the Viking Hat, correct? On a remarkable note, Tana was actually up first and ready to go, you know, instead of sleeping during the most important task at the moment.

9:09: We are segued to Kendra and her management of the Main Sponsor Video Game Tournament. Kendra has to keep her main sponsors happy. She to keep her main sponsors happy, she decides to talk to the main sponsors and keep her flunkies doing manual labor tasks. Her presentation convinces main sponsor #2, which is running main sponsor #1’s game, to not pull their sponsorship. It’s all about appeasing the main sponsor, right Kendra?

9:11: On the other hand, we have Tana, who has labeled her team as “three idiots” and “three stooges”. So, instead of giving them the simple labor tasks or giving them painstakingly specific instructions, she…tells them nothing. She rolls her eyes when Kristin updates her on the program, which should be great. Tana says she is in charge of everything while Chris argues it will be too hectic. It’s like the blind and the illiterate arguing on which book is better. Meanwhile, Vinnie, Guvnah George Pataki’s assistant, is incessantly whining to Tana about a schedule of today’s events.

9:14: Well, this is what happens when you let Kristin handle a creative project. She was given a sheet of all the athlete’s accomplishments and personality traits, some negative ones. So, Kristin decides to print it word-for-word. Tana later states that she previewed it exteriorly, but not interiorly. In addition to that, Pataki’s little boy toy is still whining, everyone is whining, and Tana wants us all to know how pretty her eyes are.

9:16: Woohoo, cell phone commercial with a Jack Johnson song. He’ll likely make more money singing then any of these Apprentice lackeys will under Trump ©. Otherwise, crappy movies, expensive cars, NBC’s television shows, and Old Navy Swimsuits featuring an eclectic group of dancers. The minority actors and actresses are making more money off the Apprentice then Craig or Tara will from the Donald.

9:18. Donald talks business about how the increase on property A will outweigh the negative impact on property B or something like that, or he could be describing to Disease, his 9th wife, the effect of Viagra on his wang and hair respectively. Like I know.

9:19. Tana slobbers over some Olympians, including Justin Gatlin (2004 gold for 100m dash), Michael Phelps (the world’s best swimmer), Bart Connor (gold medalist…in 1984), and Nadia Comaneci (Perfect 10 in 1976). OK, it’s fine to do the whole Gatlin/Phelps love fest, but aren’t the other two D-list celebrities now? The odds of them being in the Surreal Life House are even in Vegas at this very moment. Not shockingly, Pataki is (still) confused.

9:20: A new crisis occurs, as the U.S. flag is not in the “World Flags” box. An understandable mistake, but anyone who observed the recent reality TV act would know that America is not part of “the world” now, but an entirely separate planet within a planet. The Reality TV legislature recently passed this act, as Kendra’s argument about separating our superior selves (and Canada) from the rest of these breeding grounds for inferiority was the best thing for us. Not to mention, the inferior ratings for Joe Millionaire in Europe compared to Joe Millionaire based on the women of the good ole’ U.S. of A. proves our superiority.

Anyway, Pataki and a bunch of random children from “the New York Public School System” bring out the flags, one kid dragging his dangerously close to the ground. Trump© says that it was “a major mistake” for there to be no American flag present, but only after Pataki told him. Remember kids, something is only a mistake once you get caught. George’s man-crush on the Donald continues as he is smiling gleefully when Trump© and Pataki are making the token introduction.

9:22: The producers throw in some random clips of gymnasts. Cool beans. Meanwhile, Chris has to make a decision on when the track portion of the show is to start. Chris says in five minutes, Tana then comes over and changes it, causing Carolyn to note a lack of communication. Tana then whines about Chris to the executives, the event ends, and Tana says it couldn’t have gone better. Then she says that she thinks the laughing gas she took prior to the games worked in keeping her calm. Then she falls down and starts babbling incoherently.

9:28: Kendra meets. Kendra greets. Kendra’s venue doesn’t smell like feet anymore. Good times for Kendra. George and Carolyn pretend to fight, and for a minute of gleaming hope, maybe one of them would be sent to the hospital in a re-enactment of that woman falling down the stairs due to Mike Novick’s attempted detaining in 24. In fact, I’m still wondering where that woman went. She went to the hospital and never came back, even when Novick got slapped out of office by the President. Oh well. Then when Carolyn struck her boxing pose, my hopes immediately dashed due to an overwhelming emotion of humor and pity alike.

9:29: Trump© arrives, Kendra talks to him, Fabolous and Trump© intro the tournament, same #####, different venue. The tournament starts where the marathon runners video-gamers (like I could tell with the signs they wore) play their games and Trump© gets beat by some random woman in the crowd. Well, I think he lost, the ferret was blocking the screen. A guy in a boxing robe wins the tournament, and everyone is happy. I’m happy too, since the final task is over and I’ll never have to see these nitwits work again.

9:33: Both groups depart, Kendra and her team (Michael, the never mentioned Erin, the never mentioned Danny) have a group hug, Tana flips her team off. All in all, similar goodbye scenes.

9:35: Kendra comes back home and her and Tana blab to one-another about their teams. I know you astute readers can see where this is going. Tana cries out of depression and Kendra cries because her team was so perfect. Tana’s surprised that Kendra’s team was so good, although she did know Kendra’s team was better than hers (yay, my “over” bet on how many times Tana would disparage her team was a winner!).

9:38: The happiest moment of this episode came for me during this commercial break. Will Ferrell will be hosting SNL, and it showed him and Sean Connery. Usually, this signifies Celebrity Jeopardy. If so, it might be one of the few enjoyable SNLs lately.

9:41: They give a trash pile of sound clips of Kendra saying she’s the total package and Tana saying that street smarts trump© book smarts. Yeah Yeah Yeah, we know that Street Smarts is a superior show to Wintuition, it’s a lot funnier.

The boardroom begins. This was a crappy boardroom, especially considering they cut me off prior to the good part. I won’t give you the play by play or the diary thing anymore, but essentially they chewed out Tana for having no American flag and for not controlling her team. Oh yeah, the program to which Tana admitted to only looking at the front. They had to stretch for Kendra about the meeting that Danny held in the prior episode with the Main Sponsor #3’s people. They spend the final five minutes blabbing on and on and on, I’ll give you what I heard in one of the more egregious fact abortions Kendra gave, which I am shocked that Trump© did not call her out on. Here is a paraphrase from Kendra’s boardroom:

Kendra: I am 3-0 as a project manager.

This is an insanely misleading fact. If anyone cares to look it up, she faced Chris twice. That’s like saying Tuffy Rhodes hit 50 homeruns in a season. She’s flaunting a record that includes two wins against Chris, and a nine game win streak that came mostly against Chris. What’s she going to do next, beat Stephen Hawking in a footrace to prove her athletic skill?

Anyway, the rest of it was predictable. The played-out street smarts v. book smarts argument, which one has the better eyeliner, why short hair is better then long hair which is better then Trump© hair, and the like. To considering this monotony festival, Trump© congratulates them on being the last two of over a million applicants (.0002%), which is a lot better then being one of the last 6 (.0006%) like Chris or one of the last 18 (.0018%) like Todd. The Trump© sends them out and calls a group in: the six employees. And…the show ends? Wow, that sucks.

More crappy commercials, the whole “Live Finale” next week thing, a show I won’t have to do. Joy to the world, the pain has ended.

Fishercat. Out.