LAST EDITED ON 10-26-02 AT 03:35 PM (EST)

TAR3 Ep 4 “These Wheels Were Made For Walking”

Previously 10 teams left a Cancun paradise and flew 5500 miles to London England, where they --- hey, wait a minute - what about all that footage of teams jostling for airplane seats in a Mexican airport? How can Phil skip right past those money shots of tickets dropping into trays?

The only bit in the “previously” blahblah that might qualify as news is we are now 100 and a million% sure that Heather was being asked to take MORE of Eve’s stuff. I am so curious to know what’s in those girls’ packs. Will we find out.... tonight?

Do Do Do Do Do Do - that music subliminaly reinforces the essence of this show - constantly doin’. We’re back from commercials but TAR is cheap, they can’t afford a Voice-Over Guy like on BigBrother. Teams are lounging around the 800 year old castle, eating & drinking, laying in bed and being lukewarm with each other, as Phil recaps his own recap.

10:56pm Derek & Drew, the Super Arnolds, leave first. One of ‘em reads out their assigned portion of clue in a sing-song voice that can only be characterised as “Hoping for a Rhyming Couplet.”

Away to Stonehaven Harbour you go
Look for a message in a bottle to find
out where you’ll be heading next.

So close, eh? I think the producers are deliberately NOT making rhyming clues for fear of being accused of ripping off Survivor.

10:58 Ken & Gerard are next. They are the official Twin Allies, endorsed by the Super Arnolds themselves, who wait for KG to get going so they can go together to the Harbour. The Arnolds DR about the positive alliance with K&G, just in case we were thinking it was all an elaborate Ken fantasy. First nic for the foursome: TBA (The Brothers’ Alliance).

10:59 One Flo Out With The Kooky Zach. Flo says Zach has no sense of direction, but he is wearing their team HeadLamp, so she squawkspeaks, “Do you know where you’re going? Can you take a break and think for a moment?” May as well ask Zach to stop breathing. But we do get a Zach DR to inform us he’s finding it’s hard to maintain the friendship but they’re both trying to accommodate each other’s needs. This team has all the sparkle of a mudpuddle and no hint of ‘winner’ written anywhere near them, let alone on them. The problem as I see it is that the romantic tension gave the illusion of a great couple, but without the thrill of forbidden love surrounding them, they’re discovering they don’t like each other and they both know it. The little blurbie onscreen describes them as “friends” but with friends like them... :rolleyes

11pm HotAirheads have lift off. Their bit of clue is Teams Get $150. Airon has the dishonour of being the first to mantra, “Surpass the Twins!”

11:01pm Heaves heft their enormous packs and trudge out. Heather is maintaining chirpiness, proclaiming herself “invigorated” by the game dynamic (she didn’t really say ‘game dynamic, but what are legal secretaries for if not helping out with the vocab.) Eve is tired. “I’m tired” she says mournfully. She adds that she has cried more in this game than ever before in her whole life. I find that hard to believe, but let’s examine the evidence.

Eve cries on command. She has been shown crying at least once per episode, for tickets, for money, and for planes, buses, taxis and trains to be held waiting. You don’t pull that stunt overnight without serious practice - I think this gal has been honing her skill since she was 2. “Waah I want another cookie.” “Waah I want a Barbie Playhouse.” “Waah, I need a Walkman.” “Waah I want a NEW car.” “Waah I want to go to Harvard.” “Waah I need to pass this course.” She’s got a system that’s never failed before.

Maybe “never cried so much in her life” just means she’s never packed 2 months’ worth of crying into two weeks before.

As we know, the Floze, the HotAirs and the HeaveHos are the core of the AntiBroAlliance (ABA). Having set out within minutes of one another, Flo’s first DR is to say she hopes the twins make just one mistake and make it soon. Yeah babe, if it takes too long for them to make that mistake, YOUR team might not be around to take advantage of it.

11:13pm MMM & K set out. Kathy says Michael is a Type C and she’s a Type A - what are they, batteries? She hopes that together they’ll make a Type B. Either this is alphabet math or a sly reference to having a baby together. Kathy also chooses her battles, so doesn’t tell Mike to shut up when he makes comments like “Beware of the Werewolf” as they begin their late-night trek to the harbour. MMMK is one of my favourite teams, which means expect their imminent elimination.

TBA can see the harbour, but they miss what One HeadLamptZach finds: a shortcut path. All of ABA follow him down, tho not without a Heave muttering misgivings about leaving the beaten road. Mangle that saying!

ABA are therefore first to find the bottles thereby releasing the work of Zany Camera Guy showing the seagull’s eye view of that portion of Portugal destined to be invaded by our intrepid travellers.

Lord HotAir is such a *nice* American - why is he having trouble finding someone to help him phone for a cab or get to the airport? After all, it’s only midnight and he’s only standing in the middle of the road, screeching “Scuse me We Need Some Help” at passing motorists. “Thought everyone in Scotland was s’posed to be nice,” he pouts. I guess his brand of wimpy belligerence isn’t working. Maybe LadyHotAir should whip off her top.

The TBAs have found the bottles. How do the Twins manage to look airbrushed ALL the time? MMM & K arrive next and then it’s time to show the first batch working the phone booths. Gerard makes calls for The Bros’ Alliance. Flo calls for the AntiBro Alliance. MMMK chat with some locals one of whom lets them use his cell phone. MMM wants to pay him a couple of pounds, K is reaching for her purse, but local chap says it’s free, cuz it’s his mum’s phone. Kids, same the world over, eh?

Anyone know why this year’s teams don’t have cell phones of their own?

1:59am JillSaintJohn set out almost 3 hours after the first group. Jill gets a V-O DR (that’s a voice-over confessional. Ya know we gotta shorthand everything around here to speed up reading time and save space. It doesn’t save time NOW, cuz I’m explaining it. But later it will - if we’re lucky and we both remember that I’ve now officially explained it )

So Jill gets a V-O DR “What don’t I love about John Vito? (um is this a real question?) He’s so kind, I know he appreciates me, he treasures me and finds me special too, and that’s what makes us the great couple we are.” I like this team, but that adoration of the JohnVito seems a little short on JV qualities and a little long on Jill qualities. She loves hiim cuz he thinks the sun shines out her butt? It’s early in my day for such cynicism but the cold light of reality must be focussed on the love & honey bunnyness of it all.

MMMK are in a cab, feelin’ goooood cuz they’re not at the back of the pack. Yet Kath is starting to look like she’s not getting any sleep. So maybe they’ve been finding time for romance? MMM is making lame jokes, but he’s still lookin’ sexy as hell. I have a thing for guys who can cook.

J.St.J. hit a pub, make a call, get a cab rounded up to collect them at 4am. This editing makes it seem like a 2 a.m. team is right on the heels of the 11:15pm team, but that’s just the TAR brand of subtle foreshadowing. These teams aren’t close now, but they soon will be.

Well, lookit. We’ve had 5 minutes of show without a mention of - oops there’s Lord HotAir now, right on schedule: “It’s all about chasing down those f*ckin’ brothers.” Lady HotAir, “ALL those brothers.” Can a HotAirhead private moment occur without a mention of “those evil brothers”? The subjects are shown smiling at each other. The Irony!

The TBAs are such an unlikely alliance that I’m reminded of that movie “Twins” except we have two Arnold Schwarzneggers and two Danny DeVitos. Second nic for the foursome: the SADDs (Super Arnolds+Danny Devitos).

J.St.J. are at the grassy outskirts of the airport. Jill sees LordHotAir and runs over to give him a big hug. She looks too happy to see him for my liking. Oh well, at least she’s not been SADD bashing. Yet. She asks Airon if they’ve booked tickets to Portugal. I don’t recall his answer, but it must have been yes, cuz Flo did it for all of ABA.

The two alliances, the SADDs (who are happy) and the ABA (who are not) are all at the Aberdeen airport, which apparently doesn’t open til 5:00a.m. So much for getting a headstart. It’s mostly all even again. Mostly. The first 7 teams are booked on the first flight from Aberdeen International bound for Heathrow.

5:26 Andre & Damon depart Dunnottar mumbling about Braveheart and how the Terriers can’t keep up.
5:28 Teri & Ian depart with Ian mumbling about being on the verge of elimination.

With clue in hand, A&D are heading to the main street to find some place open where they can make phone calls. With clue in wife’s hand, Ian Terrier asks “How do we get to Portugal?” “Swim!” is my first thought followed by “Drown!” Teri is used to him and doesn’t give him the snappy retort he deserves. “Fly!” she says. Ian gets on a phone to his friend “Jack” from “yesterday.” A&D get out their spyglasses to keep tabs on the Terriers standing around down the street, and are pleased to see them doing nothing until that vexatious moment when they’re climbing into a taxi. Out come the spyglasses to watch those slowpokes who can’t keep up leave in a taxi ahead of them. Out comes a new nic for Gun& Hose: the SpyKids. or Losers, whichever you prefer. They’re last to leave Stonehaven.

At Heathrow, the first pack of 7 go their separate ways, much to Flo’s dismay. A Super Arnold flaps a hand at her as he joins the TBAs to fly to Cologne. The goodbye wave looked more like “scoot, scoot back to your little friends, you sorry excuse for a player, you.” I almost felt sorry for Flo in that moment. ALMOST. I think Flo secretly likes the Twins.

The five AntiTwin teams are laying around the airport, discussing whether they’d be willing to take the chance of having at most half an hour to make a connecting flight to Porto, Portugal when here come the Terriers & the SpyKids. WooHoo! These 7 teams will all be on the same flight to Portugal. Ian is happy that he & Teri are no longer bringing up the rear - “someone else can smell some rear end for a change.” HAhaHAha - this is really funny once you know who does end up last this ep. Now that Lady HotAir understands how tight the Bros’ schedule is, she takes the opportunity to hope that they miss their connection. What a sweetheart, eh? How can you not love this girl. :puke

In Cologne, the Bros race across two terminals only to be told that the flight is closed, and they can’t get on. “Vat, no boarding pass? No flight for you.” Commercial break.

After the break, Tape Reel Guy rewound and replayed that last bit of footage so we’d know exactly where we left off, without Phil having to V-O. Will the 4-some stop that plane? Will looking pained and gorgeous be enough?

yes Yes YES! Bro Fans everywhere are cheering. The SADDs have successfully charmed their way past a ticket deskclerk and onto the waiting plane. Without crying! What troupers!

Back to Heathrow. Teri is happy to be caught up, Ian says it’s a level playing field, Lady HotAir says all seven teams are hoping that the Bros missed their connection. Has it really been 5 minutes already?

The Wonder Map shows two lines going at the same time from London and Cologne towards Porto, Portugal. Is it really too much trouble to have the line from Cologne start earlier and arrive at Porto ahead of the line from London? Just to graphically depict what’s going to happen?

Safely in Portugal, the Arnolds say they’re getting along really well with the Devitos. Here’re the happy SADDs walking along, an Arnold beside each Devito. They take their own taxis to the winery for the next clue.

The 4:15 from Heathrow reaches Porto. Ian runs into the terminal, screeching for a taxi. Lord HotAir voices disapproval. “Ian defines Ugly American. You don’t walk in screaming and yelling in the middle of a terminal.” Right Aaron, we know, you wait until it’s the middle of the night and you’re in a small town so you can really frighten passersby. Aaron should write the guide to Screaming in Public for Dummies: The Finer Points. That was never 5 minutes just now.

MMMK lament being last (again) to leave wherever they were, this time the airport. Sigh sigh sigh. I think it’s a shame this team won’t make it too much farther. Maybe MMM is more of a D Type than a C Type. Or Kathy isn’t “A” enough.

The SADDs are at the Detour. Super Arnolds elect to go Old School, so the DDs do too! What Fun! What Hilarity! What is it?

The Detour is the Make A Choice task, this time between methods of delivering port. In “Old School” one 90 lb barrel of port is rolled onto a traditional Portuguese boat, and then the team helps the oarsmen to row across the river to the Town of Porto, rolls the barrel up and along the pier to a nearby restaurant, and collects the next clue. Phil is doing his blue screen bit to help out. He says it’s a “physically demanding” task.

“New School” is delivering 3 crates of bottled port to each of 3 restaurants, 9 crates total, using specially supplied vans. Apparently it’s the “not physically demanding” choice, which requires teams to be “mentally alert” to follow instructions properly, because one of the restaurants will only sign for the delivery if signatures from the other two restaurants have already been collected.

The Super Arnolds are all about physically demanding tasks, so the DannyDevitos are too. Each time we go over to KG’s boat, that wacky “oops, look out, wacky time” music starts playing. Thanks to Miss Alli for making me even think about paying attention to the incidental music.

The main mass of bunched teams from London is arriving by cab. In her cab, Lady HotAir has a look on her face like, “I wonder if this could be considered a situation in which I could get away with taking off my top?”

Once the HotAirs determine that they will have “help”, they go for Old School. Teri & Ian go for Old School, but Teri is trying to get Ian to put the barrel on a truck. I’m beginning to understand Ian’s snotty attitude towards his wife. The HotAirs are pretty pissed when they look up from rowing and notice Teri & Ian on the next boat, also rowing hard.

It’s a jumble of teams arriving and deciding, but they all go for New School. Heaves, JillSaintJohn and FloZach load their crates without incident, but Andre & Damon the SpyKids, drop a crate, and have to get another. Wonder if they’ll get prize money deducted to pay for that?

The happy SADDs have the next clue and are headed to Centa Appolonia Train Station (or a reasonable facsimile) to travel 200 miles by train to Lisbon, whence they are to go in search of the Estadio di Restalo - a soccer field, and enter it at Gate F for the next instructions.

HotAirheads are done, and here come those Terriers. Ian Terrier takes on the more physically daunting challenge of holding a piece of paper and obtaining directions to the restaurant, while Mrs. Terrier pushes the 90 lb barrel UP the gangplank.

Let’s check in on the New Schoolers. Hey ho, they’re driving a stick shift van through the teeny tiny streets of somewhere, looking for their first drop off restaurants.

Jill is handling the stick shift just fine, and what’s more, John Vito is doing a fine job of reading the instructions, ensuring that his team won’t make the mistake that SpyKids made, which was to go to the 3rd restaurant, the Majestic, without having first been to both of the other two places.

At the second restaurant, CHEHZ LAP-IN, one SpyKid (let’s call him Damon) runs in with the three crates, only to run back out to discover that he’s been pinned in by FloZach to the rear and Heaves to the front. Without crying too much, Eve bargains with Damon to take in their crates, while she moves her van.

She moves, but not very well. In fact, she crashes the car, running into a small pole embedded in the street to prevent idiots like her from rolling right into the river. I’ve crashed the car, she tells us. No-one says anything, so she repeats it again. I’ve crashed The Car! And again, this time with feelin’ - I’ve Crashed The Car! I’m gonna cry.

Tell us something we don’t know Ether.

JV&J are at Rua di Rialpas - I’d have to watch the tape, pause it, write it down letter by letter, but that’s fairly close to the name of the restaurant. (I gotta leave some stuff for other recappers to do. I’m getting more detail-oriented, not less. Sorry folks.) JV tells J to stay with the truck, make sure nothing gets taken. You never lose that big-city mistrust of humanity. Back in the van, JV tells J that they’re the first to be at this Restaurant.

SpyKids make more cracks about Eve’s driving, how it’s not part of the course curriculum at Harvard. “Everybody watch out, American driver in front,” he yells out the window. It’s true that Eve can’t drive worth crap. What’s with Heather sitting in back giving instructions on how to drive? If Heather knows how to drive stick, why isn’t she doing it?

OK I’ve had enough. Oh wait. MMMK are finally at the Detour, they quickly choose Old School. MMM is rowing, sweating like he’s lifting mega weights at the gym. He cracks, “This aint no nursery rhyme.”

Finally all 9 teams are at the train station. The HotAirs tell MMMK they’re taking the 7:10 train to Lisbon. The Terriers are really happy to see all the other teams at the station. The DDs (that’s Ken & Ger) are most decidedly not happy to see their lead squandered by circumstances beyond their control.

During the train ride, lots of teams got a chance to have DR momentitos. KG are ready to ditch the twins. AA are ready to ditch the alliance (Alliance Schmalliance!) Terriers are happy to be part of the pack, even if they’re not lead dogs! MMM says it’s like being on death row, just counting down the minutes til one of us dies. Oh boy - he must really be the life of a party, always with the happy upbeat attitude.

At Lisbon teams hit the ground running. Literally. It’s another mad scramble for taxis. We get the footage of teams enroute to the Estadio, smirking, squawking, cajoling, entreating “rapido rapido” “go as fast as you can” “pass that cab” “take this side road”.

Last Task. Roadblock. Got long arms & legs? Big feet and a wicked punch? How about a snappy attitude and a lotta hot air? Okay, it definitely said something about “long arms” after that I’m just not 100 and a million % sure.

Phil pops back in to tell us that every Portuguese munchkin learns how to walk by learning how to play soccer. Your job is to stop one penalty kick as administered by a teenager.

The order their names are in is the order in which they get started at this task with the finishing order afterwards: Ken arrives first, finishes 2nd, Zach is 6th, JV is 5th, Drew is 4th, Damon is 3rd, Heather is 7th, MMMichael is 1st, Ian is 8th and Arianne is 9th.

Arianne? Only for Team HotHead is the shorter, smaller person made to do this Roadblock. Arianne looks like she has really long arms. Trouble is they’re attached to a short body. She looks weird like she was put together from extra leftover pieces. She has no clue how to do this - you don’t actually have to be super tall to do well, if you can coordinate your body, and control your movements. Arianne cannot do either - she flings her arms like she flings insults about others - without much thought. She looks like a RagDoll.

MMMK were 7th to arrive, but 1st to complete, after only 2 shots on goal. MMM congratulates himself on his cat-like reflexes, then he & Kathy promptly get lost and are not first second or 7th to arrive at the pitstop.

As teams complete, they collect their last clue, and I do believe every team read aloud “Walk to the pitstop” “Walk to the pitstop” “You’ll be walking 1 1/2 miles to the pit stop.” “Walk to the pit stop.” off they go, walking. “Walking to the Pit Stop.”

Lady HotAirHead is still miserable in the goaltending position, practically crying and looking very scared, as she whines that she’s too short and the net fills with soccer balls and the kickers keep kicking penalties at her.

Here are Heave in the cab, here is Heather reading the clue aloud. “Walk to the pit ...” walk? Walk? WALK! - Cabbie stop the cab, drive us back, we can’t be in this car. Can we?” “Well,” says Eve the Harvard Law graduate, “maybe it means we have to walk IN to the place. I don’t know.” Yeah, as opposed to what? Parachuting? Driving the car up to the mat? (thanks to CMaybur for that great line!!) So they stay in the cab.

Heather & Eve are first to arrive - Eve looks worried sick. How can they be first? Heather was 7th to save a penalty kick. Something Is Wrong.

Ken & Gerard (the Danny Devitos) are 2nd to arrive (used FF ep1)
Flo & Zach are 3rd to arrive.
Derek & Drew (the Super Arnolds) are 4th (used FF ep2)
Andre & Damon (the SpyKids, previously GunsNHoses) 5th arrival
Teri & Ian the Terriers 6th to arrive.
John Vito & Jill (JillSaintJohn) are 7th to arrive.
Michael & Kathy - MMMK - 8th to arrive
Aaron & Arianne - Lord & Lady HotAirheads are 9th

Here’s Phil to explain that because Heave didn’t follow instructions, they’ve been penalized with a 30 minute standard penalty plus “at least 7 minutes’ advantage penalty” which means Heather & Eve are eliminated. Walk as defined in the glossary provided to teams means “travel by foot.”

Heather and Eve said they were proud of how ethically they played.

They don't consider begging for money, crying for vehicles to be kept waiting, or blocking other people with their van to be unethical. How about Eve's non-stop whining to Heather to help with her overblown backpack.

First and foremost, cheating by taking a taxi ride when the clue specified walking is nothing to do with ethics. No connection whatsoever.
Cuz it was a mistake anyone could have made.

AND WHAT WAS IN THOSE DAMN BACKPACKS???!!!

Next time Flo loses it on a cliff face. More penalties?
And will AMAI's recaps get longer as the number of teams decreases? sheesh! Sorry folks