TSI Episode 12: How Did These Idiots Make It to the Finals?It’s the final three, and those of us hoping to see the cream rise to the top…were quickly reminded who we’re actually dealing with as part of the Race. Actually, some of the quotes were pretty damn funny, but the rest of this episode was a comedy of errors.
Speaking of errors, you’re going to notice the scores rise drastically during this leg of the Race. After all, as a pair of clowns proved last week, it only takes one mistake to take you out of contention for a million dollars. Every mistake at this point could prove to be fatal. Looks like the “winners” will be the team that doesn’t make the last mistake. Teams Doofus, Goofus, and Dumbass…sounds like a law firm.
1. Dave & Jeff – When they said that their decision-making was purely analytical, while the others are emotional, I resisted the urge to laugh. Hard. Then, as I watched the episode, I realized that the other teams were making these two look like Albert Einstein’s surfer cousins. They did little things like setting the trip indicator in their car to help them realize when they were getting close to a destination, not pointing out other team’s mistakes, and taking the longer route at the start of the Detour since they didn’t expect the search to be easy. As a result, they stayed in first in the Race…and TSI.
I did get confused, though, during the Roadblock. First, the one not driving said, “Dude, don’t roll it.” Then a little later, he said, “Let’s go Bro.” OK, which one of them was doing the Roadblock, Dude or Bro?
Their only Ryan-worthy episode? Going from first to worst because they were too busy throwing chunks of wool around to actually find a clue inside them. And when they were surprised to be the third team to make it to the airport, even though they knew the other two teams had found the clue before them, I was yelling at the TV.
Quotable Quotes:
“We just kept our heads and we end up going number one.” (Their moms and pediatricians will be so proud.)
“It was badass.”
“Take your thing off.”
“Well, the pressure’s constantly on.”
This week: 125 Ryans
Overall: 266 Ryans, 1 Dicque
2. Reichen & Chip – I swear, these guys tried their best to stay in last place in the TSI, but it just wasn’t pathetic enough. Reichen looked promisingly bad when the got confused by his equipment (during the picture developing, you perverts), and then attributed the other teams’ getting ahead to being “lucky”. Yeah, they were lucky that there was a stupid person on one of the other teams. And one thing that’s consistent about this team is that they will never, ever learn to pronounce anything properly in other countries. Did Reichen really think the town was called Gelatin?
And Chip, on behalf of the women of the world, thank you so much for disproving the theory that women are worse drivers. First you run over your partner’s foot, and act surprised that he was upset by it. Hmm, why would that bother him…maybe because it hurt? Then you treat the dune buggy track like a demolition derby. The Chipster broke the dune buggy. Why would he have a problem with something that had “Get In, Go Hard” written on the side?
Quotable Quotes:
“I think there’s going to be some bumping and grinding, and I think there’s going to be some bitterness.” (Um, who wants to go there? Go ahead, it’s OK…)
(at the crocs): “Go slow, Reichen.”
(at the Detour): “I’ll dismount.”
(at the Roadblock): “OK, I won’t run over your foot, I’m so sorry.”
Best of all, though, was at the pit stop…
Chip: “Am I really that bad of a driver?”
Reichen: “I’m not going to answer that.”
About the other teams…
“Kelly’s mouth is definitely the biggest crocodile mouth in Australia.”
“Kelly & Jon followed us like flies on cow manure.”
“David just looked like he was getting his bones jostled.”
This week: 275 Ryans
Overall: 732 Ryans, 3 Dicques
3. Kelly & Jon – Oh.my.heck. Where to begin. Between the colossal stupidity shown by this team, and the ridiculous lapses in attitude, my jaw was hanging open most of the episode. How many times did they get lost? Let’s see…
- They got lost on the way to the wool clue hunt.
- They got lost on the way to the Detour and had to backtrack.
- Probably the only reason they didn’t get lost during the Roadblock was that they just followed Reichen & Chip around like sheep (oh sorry, the wool jokes should have ended at that challenge).
Then let’s look at the attitude adjustments for their score:
- Kelly was standing around fussing to Jon that she had to have gloves for the wool challenge.
- As they got out of the car at the airport, Kelly said, “Let’s move our little butts” as she stood beside the car while she tied her jacket around her not-so-little butt.
- At the airport equalizer, Kelly talked about how Dude & Bro, saying “We’ve been beating them consistently.” Um, maybe I’ve been watching a different race, but my recollection is that they’ve won a lot more legs than your silly pair has. She must be talking about punching matches during the mandatory rest stops.
- At the croc picture challenge, Kelly snatches the clue from Jon before he reads the part about the camera. She fails to read about the camera, so they get there first…without the camera. They are sent to the back of the line, each blaming the other for the major screw-up. Luckily, Jon was able to finish this challenge quickly, since he is so well-trained at dealing with crocodiles, thanks to Kelly.
- They are the last team to arrive at the Roadblock, and they stand there debating about who is going to do the Roadblock. Kelly insists it’s his turn, but widdle Jonny wants to dwive the buggy. Since Kelly-Welly wants to dwive the buggy too, they wait each other out until she finally gives in. Um, tell you what…why not offer to spend part of your winnings on a trip to a buggy track after the freakin’ Race is over and just let one of you get in the damn thing now? Jon ended up having a starting problem and tipping over, given his excitement level at this point.
- While Jon is driving on the winding track, Kelly is waving at him. Kelly, didn’t we learn any lessons about distractions at the shark tank? Obviously not.
Quotable Quotes:
“It’s warm and sticky and it smells like…” “…ass.”
“You get to a point where you’re that stupid and that’s when you’ll be eliminated.”
“Jon, let’s just get it done.”
“Are you getting excited, Jon?”
“Please be careful, I need you to win the million bucks.”
“I think that this has helped Jon grow up.”
And the best quote of the entire episode (in the category of The Truth Hurts)…
“We came to a sad conclusion today. We cannot have children because they cannot inherit our stupidity.”
This week: 600 Ryans
Overall: 1,035 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Next week: Jon is naked. My eyes, my eyes!
Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ
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