Damn, where’s my spreadsheet? I can’t find my spreadsheet with all of the scores. I’ll blame Mr. Bebo, since he’s out of town. He must have erased it from the computer.

OK, enough ranting. I’ll again start this week’s column by reaching into the mailbag.

Q: I think you should give _______ a Dicque for _______. Will you reconsider?
A: No.

Q: I don’t think _____ deserved Ryans for ______. Will you reconsider?
A: No.

Q: How about…
A: No.

Q: But…
A: No.

OK, enough questions today. I get way too many of these in my mailbag. Normally, I’d say keep those cards and letters coming, but I think I’ve gotten the point by now, peeps.

On to the scores…

1. Jon & Al (#1 last week)
Our clowns are winning the race, and our TSI meter says it’s because of good decision-making and their willingness to stop balancing things on their noses. Their only misstep this week was having trouble with the trunk of their taxi and falling behind Millie & Chuck at the ceremony, but they quickly recovered.

This week – 5 Ryans
Overall – 17 Ryans, 4 Dicques

2. Dave & Jeff (#3 last week)
I mocked them during a prior episode when they said they were going to start thinking, but it turns out that for once, those were not just mere words from a reality show contestant. Speaking of words, our token bland white straight friends team had a couple of interesting lines during the Roadblock. Feel free to take them out of context.

”You gotta pierce the target, dude.”
“ I can’t get enough downward motion.”

This week, the dudes didn’t get lost, but they did forget the definition of the word “fish”, choosing instead to catch bait and try to pass it off as the fish required for the Detour.

This week – 10 Ryans
Overall – 76 Ryans, 1 Dicque

3. Reichen & Chip (#4 last week)
I’m not going to award or deduct anything for their different flight option, because I don’t feel like it. Gimme a break, folks, I filled in for Magic this week on the Move and Not So threads and wrote a summary of last week’s Big Brother episodes, so let me cut one corner, K? And I’m doing the Hawkeye 10 this week, so I am definitely pulling my weight around here. Lighten up, already. I will ding them for missing the turn and having to travel farther down a one-way road before turning back. They also lost points for going to the wrong detour at first. And then they lost themselves an all-expense paid trip to Mexico, courtesy of American Airlines, because they couldn’t find a flag at the end of a beach.

Chip even joined into our little Out Of Context theater with this comment about the virgins: They might have halos on their heads, but sometimes they get bent. Or maybe that’s just some wishful thinking on Chip’s part.

This week: 20 Ryans
Overall: 97 Ryans, 3 Dicques

4. Millie & Chuck (#2 last week)
They sank like a stone this week, earning Ryans right and left. Millie starts off by saying, “I’m so tired of watching what everyone is doing” and then proceeds to do NOTHING ELSE while the other teams researched flights. Here’s a clue, chick – if you’re tired of it, then STOP DOING IT. Quit trolling and get your own damn info. Oops, sorry. Get your own darn info.

They did earn the one and only Dicque given out this week, though, because Millie finally put up and shut up. No, she’s still a virgin, but this virgin moved her team into the lead pack by spending part of an 8-hour layover finding an earlier flight out.

But then, oh, they were so cringeworthy for the rest of the episode! First, there was Millie’s reaction to the ceremony. I’m a Christian, and I am ashamed at her disrespectful attitude toward something from another culture. Like the producers would really have them participate in a voodoo curse. Thank you for yet again showing the closed-minded ignorance of some in my faith.

Then they get taken to the wrong spot, and Millie decides that fishing means swimming with nets. She’s so preoccupied that she lets two fish jump out of the bucket. And then there was Chuck with the bow and arrow. He can’t even commit to aiming.at the freaking target. Now I know he’s still a virgin. As Chuck pointed out, “If you don’t do it right, it drives you freakin’ crazy.” Am I the only one who pities the future Mrs. Chuck? And watching Millie harp on him while he wasn’t aiming, am I the only one who pities the future Mr. Mole?

This week: 50 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Overall: 99 Ryans, 3 Dicques

5. Kelly & Jon (#5 last week)
They’re lucky to still be in the race. Unfortunately for the viewers, this was a non-elimination leg, so we didn’t get to see Jon be the poor loser we all know he will be (and hope to see soon). Let’s look at the evidence of their ineptitude. First, they decide to sleep on an airport floor for 8 hours instead of at least checking to see if there’s a better flight option. Second, Jon decides to sleep on an airport floor wearing a butt-ugly eye mask. Then Jon gives us our Ugly American moment of the episode by checking his watch during the ceremony. Nice move. Then Kelly treated the Detour like a Roadblock, expecting Jon to do all of the heavy lifting by himself. Guess she figured out how to get him back for that woman’s orgasm comment a few weeks ago. They waste time trying to have Jon do all the work by himself, then go to the fish and have the same experience.

Jon: Farting on the fish is not helping us much.
Kelly: They jumped out! That’s not fair.

Say it with me, people. Life’s not fair, and the race sure as hell isn’t. You actually have to try, Kel. Speaking of trying, anyone else start wishing that Kelly would turn around at the Roadblock and really give Jon a chance to “be the arrow”? She showed good form despite having an asshole buzzing in her ear. And again, they gave us great quotes to take out of context.

Jon: Get that thing in your mouth and just start blowing.
Kelly: It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Next week: Hopefully, one of these teams will be sleeping with the fishes, instead of just swimming with them.

Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ