LAST EDITED ON 11-10-05 AT 09:48 PM (EST)

Official RTVW Summary:
The Amazing Race Family Edition, Episode 8
“It’s a Family Show!”
or, “The High-Fivin’ White DAWs”

Thank you so much for that warm introduction, Nutzie. Let's hear it for ARNutz! Tip your waiters and waitresses. Oh, and hi, campers! Let’s get right into it.

With this Episode 8 being Hour 2 of the show, we don’t start with a recrap from Phil (you can get a perfectly fine one from Nutzie, anyway). Instead, we launch right into the start from the Fort McDowell HaveSomePie (only if you have a) Reservation. It’s 60,000 acres of pristine Western and Native American beauty. But, since this is TAR Family Edition, we’ll be damned if we’re gonna see any of it! On to the more commercial crap!

We see a brief flashback to the Bransens’ arrival at the mat, looking like they’re dressed more for March of the Penguins than an Arizona summer. Since it was a non-elim, they’ll start last and get no money, plus they were stripped of all their money and non-worn possessions. Stripping is no surprise to Lauren, anyway, after her mooning of the Linzes in Leg 4. At least the Bransens had the sense not to put all their undergarments on their exterior. My brain needs enough scrubbing from those images!

First up are last leg’s winners, Sharon and the Banshees. They will funnel their strengths and weaknesses into a solid unit. Are they planning to stop up a sewage line somewhere?

Linda Faye Weaver and Her Congregation of Self-Righteous Post-Mortem Indignation are next. They recite all together, “Drive yourselves to Jose Mesa, Arizona.” I wait for the “In Jesus’ name, Amen,” but it doesn’t come. The camera gives a gratuitous oobie shot (GOS) of Rebecca as she climbs in the SUV. She says in confessional that the other teams “don’t like us because we’re different from them, and I’m glad we’re different from them.” For starters, they’re human.

The Linzes, Team Rush Week, prepare to depart. They point out that “little mistakes happen and tides turn.” Please file that away for future reference.

Next to go are the Paolos, Team Abondanza. Or is that Tony Danza? (Apropos of nothing, my first girlfriend, who was Italian, told me there is no such word in Italian as “abondanza.”) Mama CelesteMarion says the main thing is to stay in the game. Hmmm. This means something.

And last, and for the moment least, are Prostate Exam and His Band of Estrogen. They hope to make some quick money, maybe at the nearby casino. Of course, there are three young and fairly attractive girls, so if they each managed to get into Nevada . . . Ahem. This is a Family Show, which means we must Dull Down.

The Teams discover they have to set out for Fighter Combat International, and strangely enough, it’s not at the Paolos’ house. It’s at Williams Gateway Airport in Jose Mesa. Methinks we’re heading to a bunch point as big as the naners that Tony Paolo was lugging around in Central America.

In what has become a recurring theme, the Banshees take only a couple miles to start arguing about which way to go. They appear to be on Highway 60 east of Phoenix (that or Loop 202). 60 is called the Superstition Freeway, so named for Stevie Wonder’s numerous commutes on it. Then again, he probably would have a better sense of direction than the Schroeders!

Lost, Rush Week winds up with one of Arizona’s finest behind them after they tried to stop and ask someone else for directions. Fortunately, they watched the TAR 6 episode when Jonathan talked himself out of a ticket in Hungary. Either the Linzes likewise used Jedi mind tricks to get the officer to give them directions to the airport, or he noticed that none of them had used deodorant in a couple weeks and wanted to get them the hell out of there. Surprisingly, he doesn’t notice their statement that “we’re racing other cars to get there.” He lets them go because in his last collective bargaining agreement, he was stripped of his power to detain an SUV full of DAWs.

The Linzes’ gaffe gives Linda Faye and Her Flock the chance to arrive first at Williams Gateway Airport, which was founded by a way-cool pinball and video game manufacturer and a slowly bankrupting computer company. They find a number board and grab number one. Rachel probably last wore that black top when she and a boy were reading the Song of Songs together. It wasn’t cut in the middle before then!

As the Linzes arrive, the Weavers decide to be encouraging:

We will work with the Linzes, we will work hand in hand
We will work with the Linzes, we will work hand in hand
And when they ask “Where’s the number board?” we’ll say “Talk to the hand”
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

Which they do. And when the Linzes ask how the Weavers knew where the board was, they reply, “We’re smart.” What, no attribution to the big G-Meister?

As the Banshees pull up, one of the Linzes becomes an honorary Weaver for a moment and says that one of the Godlewskis looks like a dog with her head out the window. (BTW, if you want your dog to have ear problems, by all means let it ride with its head outside the window.) As usual, Linda Faye dubs the Banshees the “Desperate Housewives” and wishes there was a Yield. The Weavers would spend so much time arguing about whom to Yield, they’d be passed and Yielded by another team!

The Bransens find the Fort McDowell Casino, and with the girls batting their eyes and telling their sob story, they raise the money they need fairly quickly. Prostate Exam says the key was his staying out of it. “Older men are not a turn-on for people to open their pocketbooks.” (Wally has apparently never been on these boards!) But he’s just close enough in the scenes to make them look really weird, even if he doesn’t have a restraining order. Perhaps the girls could have extorted more money by threatening to bring Wally nearer if the contributors didn’t cough up. They make it to the airport behind the Abondanzas.

Williams Gateway will open at 4:30 AM, although when it does, it looks pretty darn bright for 4:30 AM, unless Arizona sunrises are earlier than I think! Or they had time to kill before they took off, and that’s the editing. Naaah, Arizona has crazy time zone rules anyway, so I’ll blame it on that.

The Royal Guardsmen come out of retirement (or out of the county fair circuit) to describe what the teams will do in the prop airplanes for this Roadblock, to the tune of “Snoopy vs. The Red Baron”:

One, two, three, four, five DAWs in all
Were up in the air trying to loop and not fall
Ratings died, that’s so plain to see
On the Amazing Race version for Family.

Turns out the numbers are pretty meaningless as far as the first three families go; they take off (eh?) as one group with Rolly Weaver, Megan Linz, and Sharon Godlewski all going at the same time. Sadly, none of them have to face Baron Manfred von Richtofen, nor does anyone hit the ejection seat button by mistake.

KamikazePilots take each of them up in the air and show them a bunch of stunts. We see Megan, dubbed “Air Biscuit” by her brothers, turned upside down and various straps hanging weightless in midair, but that’s all. She channels Gretchen by screaming “Oh, my God!” repeatedly. That, or she was trying to make up for the Weavers’ earlier omissions. Rolly, Megan, and Sharon all get the loop on the first try, but not before Linda Faye prays that Rolly be kept safe, and that the others die as desert fireballs. Sharon was told she’d hit 3 G’s, but since it wasn’t 3 G.I.’s, she wasn’t interested. But her scream as she finishes the loop shatters the cockpit glass. She’s wearing one of those old-time pilot hats. All she needs now is to make goggles by putting her hands upside down on her face, and start singing, ”Take to the air, junior birdmen . . . .”

Proving how even more useless the number board was, the Linzes get their clue first. (I feel for whoever dates Megan. Not that she isn’t gorgeous (she is), but this guy will have to endure these protective bros who could gang up on him in a heartbeat if he winks at her the wrong way. Or they’d just noogie him to death.) But they wind up second out of the lot, behind the Weavers, so maybe it’s all good anyway. What do I know?

Meanwhile (get used to that word; you’re going to see it a lot in this summary), Brian Paolo and Lauren Bransen await their turns. DJ tells Brian “it’s just you and that joystick between your legs.” Goooooodnight, everybody! In an unrelated development, Brian and Lauren embrace before going airborne. DJ mutters, “He better not screw up; I want that clue.” In case you were wondering who really runs that family…

The Weavers, Rush Week, and the Banshees head for the Grand Canyon, Limpin’ Point (so named for those who leaned too close to the edge) in particular. When the Linzes take a different route from the Weavers, Team Humility says, “Well, they’re stupid.” The Godlewskis start chanting “Road trip!” and cause thousands of viewers to flip the channels.

Eight miles high (all right, eight feet high), Brian Paolo has an intense look. DJ looks like he’s the one in the cockpit. Brian pulls back too hard on the joystick and fails to hit the parameters. DJ, ever the aeronautics expert, asks what he was thinking. Maybe about Lauren.

During the first commercial break, Harry Smith of CBS’ Early Show spoils that this WILL be an elimination episode by saying that the castoffs will tell what went wrong the next morning. Granted, this wasn’t much of a reach since the last leg was a non-elim, but still, we could dream that Bruck and Van Munster might cross us up with two NELs in a row. Someone in CBS’ traffic department got reamed, I trust!

When we return, Lauren has to bail out of the loop as well. She doesn’t moon anyone. Brian gets the loop on his second try and thanks God. Maybe the Weavers are having an effect! Yeah, well, I mean that sort of an effect. Lauren nails it on the second try, and instead of her moon, we’re treated to another GOS as she leaves the cockpit.

The Bransens and Abondanzas head off together, but neither really knows where Limpin’ Point is, so they vie for the title of Team Mapquest. If you’re lost in the wilds of northern Arizona, do you:

A. Keep driving pointlessly
B. Stop and ask for directions
C. Curse GMC Trucks and the producers for not giving you OnStar
D. Follow Wile E. Coyote, Sooper Genius
E. Pray to Linda Faye Weaver for inspiration

The Paolos opt for A. The Bransens choose option B. Anyone thinking of E will be dragged before the TAR Inquisition.

What’s the Paolos’ reasoning? DJ says “We have to beat them.” Marion, the Cassandra of this TAR, replies, “We don’t know where we’re going!” So DJ figures they can just drive around until they bump into the “world’s largest pothole,” and see what happens.

The Banshees gawk at hot-air balloons over the desert. I guess they’re reminded of their heads. They catch up to and pass the Weavers, but as they do, they’re greeted in a unique manner:

We will drive with Desperate Housewives, we will drive side by side
We will drive with Desperate Housewives, we will drive side by side
And we’ll roll down the windows and throw garbage at their hides
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

Linda Faye arrives first at Limpin’ Point, and she tells the guard to tell Rush Week (who are now right behind them) a complete history lesson about the Grand Canyon. “They want the history, but they’ll act like they don’t,” she tells the guard. Actually, it was Rachel’s idea. But the guard simply tells the Linzes, “The folks in the truck ahead were talking smack about you.” The Linzes’ reply: “Now we have a reason to Yield them.”

The three teams trudge a narrow trail to the clue box, and find they must go to BlakeandPage, Arizona and find the Glen Canyon Darn (told you, this is a Family Show!). They’ll have to choose a victimguide and get to the top of the darn. In the parking lot, the sparring between the Linzes and Weavers continues. The Linzes think they should have parked the Weavers in, at which point the producers would have awakened and started enforcing rules on this Race. The Weavers: “They play dirty.” “Well, DUH!”

When the Bransens arrive, Prostate Exam tells his hormone-crazed offspring, “Enjoy the 10 seconds you’re gonna get to see the Grand Canyon.” One of the Bransen girls (does it REALLY matter which one?) has her fingers crossed near her head as if she’s auditioning for “My Favorite Martian.” Meanwhile, jammed up on Route 64, the Paolos say they feel like they’re back in Jersey again. Maybe they’ve resigned themselves to actually being from NJ and not NY? Everyone else has thought so until now!

The Weavers, in their GMC-Acme Fortress of Victimization Special, speed away from Rush Week toward the darn. The Linzes exude confidence that they can “beat their asses” at the Detour, perhaps having a flashback to Jonathan and Victoria in Ethiopia. After which they will sing, “Ding dong, the witch is dead.” (In fact, earlier, one of the Linzes wondered if there would be a donkey-related challenge near the Grand Canyon.)

Arriving first at the darn’s visitor center, we see that the hot sun has shrunk Rachel Weaver’s shorts even more, if that’s possible. Has she been GAINING weight on this Race? They accostselect a tour guide, but first Linda Faye has to go to the bathroom. Rolly throws up. His hands, I mean.

While walking through a long white corridor, Rush Week smack each other to see how the echo sounds. Once atop the darn, the Banshees and Linzes power-walk toward the clue box, as they’re not allowed to run. They arrive pretty much simultaneously, and the Linzes say, “Ladies first.” But they deftly pull out a clue at the same time!

It is, in fact, a Detour, which Phil explains is a choice between two tasks, each solely intended for the private, non-commercial (ha!) use of the audience, and may not be rebroadcast or retransmitted without the express written consent of the Cincinnati Bengals and the National Football League. Use only as directed.

This Detour is called Bailing or Bearing. Since Bearing (following a compass to several locations) requires too much thought, the Banshees and Rush Week opt for Bailing, which means they have to find the S.S. Minnow sunk somewhere in Horse’s Patoot of the Colorado River. They then have to bail it out, figure out why the passengers brought so much stuff for a three-hour tour, and drag it onshore.

Linda Faye has finished her deposit, and she and her congregation head out onto the darn past Rush Week. She extends her hand for high-fives, but is shocked – SHOCKED! – when she doesn’t get one in return. “They’re so rude to us,” she grumbles. The Weavers don’t fare much better with the Banshees, who say they want to stay ahead of the “nasty team.” Linda Faye: “They’re such idiots.” So Rolly and the Priestesses of Good Will Toward DAWs decide on Bearing. “I’m an excellent navigator,” says Rain ManRachel.

The Banshees and Rush Week start puffing themselves up as inflatable rafts take them to their sunken boats. Having lifted five men, the Banshees are convinced they can raise a boat. You may take that however you like, folks. The Linzes proclaim that they chose the “more challenging” Detour. Maybe they decided the Weavers need competition for the Jonathan Baker Humility Award?

Meanwhile, somewhere near Smithers, British Columbia, the Paolos are speeding toward the darn. (Don’t ask how they got the clue at the Grand Canyon and wound up there.) They angrily decide they went the most direct, but wrong, way.

Commercial break number two, and has CBS done a little more spoiling for us? Stay tuned.

We rejoin Team Abondanza somewhere near Brainerd, Minnesota. They’re speeding toward the darn.

Nick Linz stands up and proclaims he’s King of the Canyon, through gritted teeth. We? Are so over Titanic references, ok? They and the Banshees arrive at the sunken boats and start bailing. The Weavers have found their first of three compass point boxes.

Meanwhile, somewhere near North Sioux City, South Dakota, the Paolos are speeding toward the darn. Mama Celeste begins whistling in the dark that they might not be as bad off as they think.

Back at the Swiss Navy Review of the Fleet, Rush Week and the Banshees get into a splashing contest for a bit. But because they’re still wearing their lifejackets, it’s not very interesting. Family Show, remember? The Linzes get their boat overturned and muscle it up onto dry land. The Banshees try to do the same, but one of them standing on the opposite side says, “I don’t weigh enough!” You will never hear that line uttered by another Godlewski sister again. Or any other female reality show contestant, for that matter.

Rush Week learns that the Pit Stop is on Emerson, Lake, and Powell, where they have to find Phil on a houseboat. As they leave, they flex for the Weavers, who find their second marker and ask, “What are they doing?!” One of the Linzes then says they’re in first place, without a doubt. Caution – Doubt Ahead!

The Bransens arrive at the darn and collect their clue. They’ll bail (hey, that rhymes!) because Prostate Exam doesn’t know how to use a compass.

The Weavers strain to run 20 steps from the boat to their final box, sounding like the guy in the X-wing fighter in Star Wars I (IV): “al-most there . . . al-most theeere . . . unnnngggghhhhhaaaaaa!” If they were climbing the cliffs, maybe I could see that. They finish their task and head for Emerson, Lake, and Powell.

The Banshees rock the boat, tip the boat over, and get it on shore. They’re off to the Pit Stop. All three teams pass the Bransens heading out to bail. No one is mooned.

Meanwhile, somewhere near Portales, New Mexico, the Paolos are speeding toward the darn.

There’s a mad dash for the SUVs near the darn. Rush Week, Linda Faye and company, and the Banshees leave about the same time. Finally, the Paolos pass all three of them as they finally reach the darn. But the Weavers peel off the three-car chase and decide to ask for directions. Someone in a pickup truck whom they haven’t had a chance to resent yet agrees to lead them there.

The Paolos are bailing. They have to; their ship is sinking quicker than Harriet Miers, Terrell Owens, or The Apprentice. Up ahead, the Bransens drag their boat across the line and are called “safe” by whoever’s standing there. Out of nowhere, the Weavers jump out and berate the guy for harassing the Bransens. The Abondanzas are coming out as they head in to the darn; seeing this, the girls prove their terminal whiteness by high-fiving each other . . . and missing.

Line.Of.The.Show, perhaps the season, as Abondanza bails the boat:
Marion Paolo: “Don’t be yelling at me, I’ll take your frickin’ head off!”
DJ: “Ma, this is a big river. I can drown you here and no one would find your body.”
Marion: “Just try, buddy.” (splashes him)

Okay, kids, now YOU try DJ’s line with YOUR mom next time you’re near a river! It’s a Family Show!

And the fun continues, as the Paolos disagree on how to get the thing out of the water, whether to drag it or turn it upside down. Sounds like arguments my sister and I would have about whether it was best to rinse dishes with hot or cold water, and each of us thought we’d proven the other wrong. In the midst of all this, the Bransens leave the darn.

Last segment! Four hours (or so it seems) later, the Abondanzas drag the boat. They sense they’re going to be Philiminated.

First to Emerson, Lake, and Powell is Rush Week. But in a fit of overconfidence, they rush . . . to the WRONG DOCK! They totally missed the marked path. This gaffe allows the Banshees to catch up, although the Linzes still get to the boats with outboard motors they need first. They get the motor running, then steer their boat uphill before turning it around and heading out into the lake. They must have figured it was one of those Acme motors that Wile E. uses. Still not getting it, the Linzes boast that the Banshees won’t figure out how to use the motor or steer the boats, except for Megan, who says they might.

The Banshees’ launch gets higher marks for technical merit, but not for artistic impression. Christine nearly dumps the whole lot of them in the water by standing up and moving around. That would have been a sight, but (all together now) it’s a Family Show! They shove off as the Weavers and their escort (the first one Linda Faye has had anytime in the recent past, I reckon) arrive at ELP, and both the Bransens and Abondanzas head there.

As Rush Week steams toward the still-hidden houseboat, they realize they have another guest on board: Archimedes. They’re moving slower because of their added weight displacing more water. Instead of tossing Megan and Archimedes overboard, they watch helplessly as the Banshees fly past them with much screaming (big surprise). They find the houseboat and arrive first, greeted by Phil and either his son, the son of the folks who own the boat, or Billy Gaghan in an encore appearance after a few of Mama Paolo’s lasagna dinners. After Phil declares them first, the Banshees let out such a loud shriek that huge rocks begin calving from the cliffs and falling into the lake. They win a camping trailer, in which I guess they can stick the one who’s loudest until she calms down.

As a humbled Rush Week arrives in second, Phil shakes his head. This is the only team left that hasn’t yet won a leg, and they didn’t do so here. Nick says maybe the Godlewskis will let them play with some of their thingsprizes.

The Weavers finish third and go into a sob story about how they’re all alone, “those people” are clueless, they’re trying so hard to be Christians, nobody likes them, everybody hates them, and they guess they’ll eat some worms. Conveniently, they don’t bother mentioning the garbage they threw at the Bransens.

We will whine at the Pit Stop, we will whine all the time
We will whine at the Pit Stop, we will whine all the time
An-nd keeping to ourselves and playing martyr suits us fine!
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
Yes, they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

And now, let’s check the grand Fruit-O-Linda Faye toteboard of souls saved by the Weavers’ appearance on TARFE, and compare it to the number of hearts forever hardened toward Christianity by the Weavers:

Souls Saved: 14 (all of whom are posting on our boards).
Hearts Forever Hardened: 11,000,006 and counting.
(A nod to the Swirling Eddies for the above)

Then, the most thrilling rivercraft scenes since TAR 7 in Argentina, or Waterworld, or Baywatch, or McHale’s Navy, or Marine Boy, or Flipper, or whatever, end with the usual TAR feeble attempt to edit it as if the Abondanzas and Bransens are breathlessly racing each other to the houseboat. But it’s obvious that the two boats are never in the same picture, sorta like a Roger Corman movie. The Paolos can’t resist one last argument, as Admiral of the Ocean Sea DJ is furious that Dad doesn’t know how to turn left.

The Bransens arrive, then we’re treated to a scene from Houseboat with Sophia Loren. Oh, no, I’m looking at it cross-eyed and upside down; it’s the Abondanzas. Surprise, they’re last to arrive, and are Philiminated. So the team that Yielded the Weavers finds itself out, while the Weavers keep going. No justice in the world, is there? Or, to Weaver fans, it’s sweet irony served on a lasagna platter.

As the Paolos console each other, DJ says he was impressed by Mom not giving up. He adds that maybe next time he won’t be so down on her. If you believe that, I’ve got some Baltimore Ravens playoff tickets you can have.

Oh, back to that second commercial break: the ad for the CBS.com website featured the Paolos. Another self-spoiler by the Eye, no?

In two weeks: Christine Banshee uses her butt to get down a cliff. And Nick Rush Week does a lovely face plant on skis into a swimming pool. CBS is showing the Country Music Awards and not THIS?

Thanks for reading. As always, I watched so you didn’t have to.

"Give me liberty . . . or a bran muffin!" --Colin Mochrie, "Whose Line"