LAST EDITED ON 01-22-03 AT 05:14 PM (EST)

Oh, To Be In Paris...

Last week we learned that Evan’s idea of a dream date includes dirt, drudgery and shovels. Seven girls were eliminated. Poor Heidi Ho was just put out the backdoor like a stray cat, and left to fend for herself. She would not leave. She just sat there mewling on the stoop. Paul the Butler tried to bribe her into going by bringing out suitcase after suitcase, each larger than the next. Heidi refused them all, perhaps holding out for the BIG suitcase—the one containing the full set of stolen, monogrammed towels and stolen monogrammed sheets.

Remaining women: Allison, Melissa Jo (Mojo), Melissa, Sarah, Zora

Butler Paul Hogan is at fireside, swirling a glass of Cognac. This time I’m ready with a glass of Cognac too. (This show is definitely easier to watch when you’re already half looped. Trust me.)

Paul, “Evan and his posse of debutantes will spend four days in Paris, as the girls display all their charms. But is he winning their hearts? Or is it his millions they find appealing?” (Paul is way over the top with his saucy Aussie butler shtick, but on this show he seems almost understated.)

Arriving in Paris.

Evan and the girls arrive by limo and register in the swank lobby of an unnamed hotel.

Melissa M., “We have the Eiffel Tower Suite! Whoohooo!” They all pack onto a tiny balcony, with the Eiffel Tower hovering in view a few blocks away. Evan pops the cork on a bottle of champagne and sends it flying into the street below. Fortified with liquor, they sit around together sipping their drinks and chatting.

Evan, “So, what kind of man are you girls really interested in? Like, do you care what a guy’s occupation or income is?”

Girls (with dollar signs in their eyes), “Oh no!!! Not us! Money doesn’t matter to us at all!”

Sarah, “I won’t date someone who isn’t honest. There are no excuses for that. I just won’t date him.” Evan nods solemnly. I snicker and refill my cognac glass. Now that everyone is being open and honest, let the fun begin…

Or not. Evan says goodnight to the girls and leaves. My fantasy of Evan making out with five girls in a hotel suite takes a dive. The girls get into an Evan-less bed. Alone in his room, Evan gets into an empty bed. He reaches out with his left foot and flips off the light. (!!!) What a classy guy.

The Melissa Jo (Mojo) Date.

The next thing we know, it’s the evening of the following day, and Evan is getting ready for a date with Mojo. Paul selects his clothes and helps Evan dress. Camera shows a nice close-up of Evan zipping his pants.

Paul to Evan, “I told Mojo to dress chic and with high heels. It will be interesting to see what outfit she comes up with.”

The scene shifts to Mojo trying on various strange outfits while the other girls make catty comments behind her back. “Mojo is different.” “She has no fashion sense whatsoever.” “I was shocked when he picked her!” Etc., etc. Mojo settles on a cheap black dress with a plunging neckline and a silver necklace that dangles down into her cleavage. This is bad enough, but then she puts on the most hideous hat! A black felt hat with a wide crumpled brim and an oversized silver chain hatband.

Mojo, “I am, like, the Accessory Queen, and this is my Hot Mama hat. I love it!” She models for the other four girls. “How do I look?”

Girls to Mojo, “You look beautiful. You look great in the hat. Trust us!” And in catty side remarks, “This girl has no style at all!” “The hat is hideous!”

Evan arrives to pick her up, and opens yet another bottle of champagne. So they can have one for the road, I guess. Once again he pops the cork off the balcony into the street below. This time a yell and faint cursing in French can be heard. Evan peers over the rail of the balcony. “Oops,” he says.

Evan, talking about Mojo, “She is a tall blonde bombshell of a girl.”

Mojo, on Evan, “He looks so…mmmmm”. She smacks her lips. “He can teach me a few things.” Looking at Mojo’s—how do you say?—slutty appearance, I doubt that very much.

Before they leave, Evan takes her into a nearby salon where he presents her with his ‘gift’. She has several complete, new outfits to try on and may select one to wear on her date. I guess Paul decided her fashion sense was so poor that he would have to dress her too. Also, Evan and the camera get to watch her try on the clothes. At least I think Evan did—the show was kind of ambiguous on when he was there and when he wasn’t.

Evan, “Mojo is great. She just has a ‘suck you in’ aura about her.” Don’t worry Evan, for a million bucks this girl is very willing to suck you in.

“The dress she picked was one that she was just falling out of, which was great with me.” A shot of Mojo’s boobs falling out of her dress.

Mojo, “A person in a hat shows confidence. I love my hat.” Oh no! She puts the fugly hat on right over the classy duds she was just given. This girl has no fashion sense whatsoever! And off they go in a lovely vintage Rolls Royce—headed for a romantic dinner date, and a show.

Evan thinks their dinner conversation went nowhere. Mojo keeps her eyes totally glued on Evan the whole time. “That kind of freaked me out a bit,” Evan says. (Perhaps Mojo has so much glittery eye shadow on that she is physically unable to actually move her eyeballs from side to side. Whatever—it is quite creepy.)

Mojo, “I thought the dinner conversation went very smooth, and we really connected. It was a great date.”

Evan, “The conversation went nowhere; dinner was a total disaster, and she kept staring at me.”

Painful as it may be, as the designated summary-writer I must report some of this dinner conversation. Brace yourself…

Mojo, “A tomato bit just squirted out the side of my mouth.”

Evan, “How’s your steak?”

Mojo, “It didn’t hit me or anything, just squirted out the side and away.” End of report.

After dinner, it’s on to the Moulin Rouge for a show. The lovely vintage Rolls drops them at the door, where they are able to walk past a long line of tourists and peasants hoping for admission, right up to the grand entrance. Mojo in her crumpled hat looks rather silly, but with a camera crew in tow everyone thinks they must Be Somebody. So the peasants all stare and paparazzi take their photo. Probably the photos are for a tabloid Fashion Disaster spread, but Mojo is thrilled. Evan actually looks quite cool and suave as they walk in. Proof, I guess, that clothes do make the man.

Evan and Mojo have perfect front row seats for the show and are able to cuddle a little. The only problem is The Hat. It keeps boinking Evan in the face, which is not the kind of boinking action Evan has planned for the evening. Mojo is oblivious to it. Boink! Whap! Boink, whap! And on and on…

Mojo, “It was a wonderful evening! We really connected.”

Evan, “I just wanted to take that hat and fling it!”

The Melissa M. Date.

Melissa, looking very cute, speaks to the camera, “My job in this date is to win Evan over. And his job is to win me over, because I’m a good woman!” Go Melissa!

After a quick shot of Evan putting his pants on, Evan and Melissa get into the classic Rolls.

What’s with all these teasers of Evan zipping his pants? He’s a former underwear model, for Pete’s sake! Just show him in his underwear and get it over with. We all know it is going to happen sooner or later. Just do it, ‘mkay?

In the car, Evan is being very coy. “Where are we going?” Melissa asks.

“It’s a surprise”

“You won’t tell?”

“Nope.”

“You’re a good secret keeper, aren’t you?” If you only knew, Melissa!

Melissa, speaking to the camera, “He won’t tell me anything! And I love that in a guy. I love surprises!” Irony actually drips off my TV screen after she makes that last statement. Just you wait, Sweetie. A big surprise is coming your way one of these days.

It’s a cold, rainy day in Paris. Evan and Melissa walk arm-in-arm along the Champs Elysee. “So,” Evan says, “do you see anyplace you would like to go?” Melissa points to the Eiffel Tower and off they go.

Melissa, “I felt like a little Princess. It was awesome and breathtaking and we had the whole Eiffel Tower for ourselves. There is romance, and I felt it!” Little does she know that Evan is still having Princess Leia fantasies from their first group date when she wore her hair in two buns like the Star Wars heroine. In fact, on this date he has brought a simple can opener, just in case Melissa has a metal bikini on under her clothes.

Evan, “I didn’t rent the Eiffel Tower just for my date. It was so cold and rainy that we were the only two fools out there.” He shrugs. How Gallic of him!

They leave the Tower and stop off somewhere for a glass of champagne. (Man there is a lot of drinking on this show. I mean, I know it’s France and everything—but still, sooner or later somebody is going to get drunk.)

Evan, “Melissa is an honest, genuine person and I think she really likes me.”

Melissa, “He’s a doll! Chemistry is an amazing thing. You just can’t control it!”

Evan finishes off his glass of champagne. “Let’s leave here and go back to my place for a cocktail. I have something I want to show you.” They kinda leer at each other for a moment. I guess it must be chemistry.

Melissa, “Great.”

Finally! Now this is more like a real date. Go out, get a little drunk, then go back to your place, drink some more, strip, and let nature take its course! Or chemistry, whatever…

Back at Evan’s they have a drinkie, then Evan unveils his ‘gift’. Holy crap, It’s a painting of an ugly girl. No, wait a minute—it’s an ugly painting of Melissa!

Melissa, “@#$%” “Holy shit! Wow!”

Evan goes into a long explanation of how he had a street artist do the painting, and the guy had to get the eyes right but he captured her smile too—isn’t it great? Okay. Add art connoisseur to the list of things Evan is not.

Evan, “So, do you like it?”

Melissa, “I love it! Thank you!”

Evan wraps up the painting and delivers it and Melissa back to her hotel room. After Evan leaves Melissa show the painting to the others.

Melissa, “So, this is it.”

Sarah, “Do you like it?”

Melissa, “I hate it! It has big, buck teeth. I don’t have buck teeth like that, do I?”

All, “No.” But thinking to themselves, “Yes, you do.”

Allison, “Holy gift on the first date, Batman!” Gotta love that Allison.

The Sarah Date.

The scene opens with Evan is his white boxer briefs, dressing near a steamy bathroom. We get a couple of nice butt shots as he leans over the sink. He has cute rear dimples. He continues dressing in front of the open balcony door treating all Paris to his butt dimples.

Paul sorts through a stack of undershirts. “You’re a difficult man to fit, Sir.”

Evan, “Yeah, well, everything is big in the South.” As he says this, the camera pulls back and treats us to our first good full frontal boxer brief shot. Uh… Folks? I don’t see anything in there as Big as the South.

Evan again, “Sarah will be fun. She always has something to say.”

Paul, “Sarah. Well, Sarah seems a bit self absorbed.”

Sarah, Melissa and Allison are lounging on a bed giggling. Sarah is blabbing away, listing all the questions she will ask Evan if the conversation lags. The best one she can come up with is to ask him if he cheats! WTF kind of question is that?

Allison, “Sarah’s mind is going at a ridiculous rate, and so is her mouth.

Evan arrives and he and Sarah set off for… Tango lessons! Sheesh—the other girls got wined and dined all over Paris, and she just gets Tango lessons?

When they arrive at the dance studio, Evan has a little gift for Sarah. You guessed it, new clothes. A long black skirt, strappy shoes, a fringed shawl and a sexy red bustier to complete the look. The TV execs really do not like the clothes these women brought with them.

Evan, “Sarah has a great little rocket body, and she looked really hot in that bustier!”

The dance teacher is a woman who does not speak English and whose face looks remarkably horsy. Unfortunately for Evan, she prefers dancing with Sarah herself. Evan watches from the side as Horse Face pushes Sarah around the dance floor, running her hands all over Sarah’s butt. Round and round, up and down. She dips Sarah, twirls Sarah, has Sarah wrap one leg around her.

Evan keeps drinking. “Nothing like watching two women Tango to get you hot.” That’s when I realize that FOX has scored a TV Reality Show first—girl on girl action!

Eventually, Joe and Sarah get to dance. Sarah says, “He’s attractive. He’s big, and there I am in his arms. I’ve got my leg hiked up and I’m throwing my weight on him.”

Back at the hotel, the camera goes into slow motion mode as Evan zooms in for a goodbye kiss. And later, in their room, Sarah smirks at Melissa. “Did you kiss him goodnight?”

Melissa, “A little peck.”

Sarah, “Ours was more like…” (pucker, pucker, suck) Sarah smacks her lips together and gives Melissa a superior smirk. Melissa looks pissed and jealous.

The Zora Date.

Evan, “I’m intrigued by Zora. I just need to get her to open up.”

Evan takes Zora to a quiet little bistro. They are the only customers in the room. While Zora looks around nervously at the walls and ceiling Evan puts his ‘Relax Zora’ plan into action.

“Zora! I want to know all about you, in detail. So spill. I have a lot of questions, and I need answers for them all. Right now. So talk.” Way to go, Evan! Nothing like a nice relaxing third degree inquisition to get her feeling relaxed and open. Zora, of course, freezes.

Zora, in confessional, “I grew up poor and I am intimidated by the rich lifestyle.”

When Evan keeps pressing her to relax, she answers “I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not! That’s so hard, and why do it?

Evan nods wisely “I know the feeling. Trust me, I know.” Once again, irony drips from my TV screen. The camera focuses on Evan nodding wisely and Zora trying to figure out what the heck he is talking about.

She is too nervous to eat so Evan takes her for a nice walk by the River Seine. There just happens to be a small orchestra playing at waterside, with two chairs just for them. While they listen to the music, he gives Zora her gift—a music box.

Evan, “Nothing is working. I’m starting to second guess my decision to have her stay.

As they are walking back to the hotel, Evan slips up big time. BIG TIME. Fox puts subtitles on the screen, just in case the viewing audience is not paying attention and misses the momentous flub.

Joe says, “Three weeks ago I was driving a bulldozer and now I’m… uh… duh…..” He shuts up. Oops. The cat is out of the bag. The goose is loose. The secret has slipped out. Will Zora notice? Nah—she’s too busy being a Nervous Nellie, and hoping that their miserable date will end soon. Evan corrects himself. “I mean, silly me. It was two years ago—not three weeks! Two years, yeah, that sounds right. Two years.”

Clueless Zora buys it. Either that or Fox has paid her off big time to pretend she is buying it. Or else this whole show is fakery and all the girls have already figured it out. In fully scripted Reality TV anything is possible, I guess.

Back at the hotel the other girls have been wondering how Zora’s date went. Well, Melissa, Sarah, and Allison have been wondering. Since her big date at Moulin Rouge Mojo has not been seen. Where can she be? My theory is that she is in the Servant’s Quarters doing Paul the Butler. See, she has figured out that he is the one actually picking the women for Evan. So if Paul wants to keep her around, he’ll tell Evan to give her a necklace. That gives Mojo 50 million reasons to keep Paul really, really happy. I thought Paul has seemed awfully content lately…

The Allison Date.

Allison, “Dates make me nervous. Knowing my track record, and the fact that I’m the one who usually freaks out and demolishes a relationship… Well, I’m just about ready to take myself out of the running.” Looks like another dating disaster is coming up.

Evan, “Allison is smart, spunky and sophisticated. She has the personality that I really like.”

Paul walks Evan to Allison’s door. What’s that all about? Can’t Evan even find his way around a hotel without help? Cripes the guy must be a total moron! Anyway, Allison looks very classy in a red skirt, with black boots and sweater. She is one gorgeous woman.

She and Evan wind up on a yacht in the Seine where a haute cuisine chef is waiting to create some great French food for them. First they have to drink champagne, since Fox bought 10 cases of it and by God Fox does not waste money. Evan pops the cork in the very swank ship’s galley. The cork careens off the ceiling & walls before disappearing. “Well, I guess that’s that” Evan says.

The chef shows off the ingredients he will use to create his gourmet dinner.

“What’s that?” Evan points at a small dish.

“Liver” is the answer. Evan turns white and crosses himself as if in preparation for death.

Allison, “The chef prepared Foie Gras and Evan almost threw up from the smell.” (Scenes of Evan retching and wincing while he pretends to eat.) “There was nothing on his plate he wanted to eat.”

“I appreciate a certain level of sophistication, and I’m not getting the impression that’s something he has.” (Scenes of Evan smelling his empty fork after it merely touched a mushroom.)

Evan, “I like cheeseburgers.”

Allison, “I’m not looking for rico suave or anything, but a little bit of smooth would be nice.” She laughs.

Evan eats almost nothing, while Allison eats daintily and with appreciation. After dinner they go up on deck to chat.

Evan, “I could tell the Allison and I weren’t connecting. She had that look on her face—you know—like when you’ve eaten something really bad. Or something smells bad. That look.” As the boat passes under a low bridge he asks her “Do you think it’s worth going on? Do we have any chemistry?”

Allison, “I don’t think so.”

Once she blows him off Allison immediately relaxes and starts to laugh and have fun. Yes, this woman has relationship issues. They go to Notre Dame Cathedral, walk around and have fun.

Allison, “In the end, I had a good time. Now I’m scared. I want to stay but I don’t know what he’s going to do.”

The Judgment.

Paul the butler knocks on the girls’ door and invites them to go down on him—I mean with him. Melissa says “Doomsday!” Someone mutters “Guillotine time.” He smirks at the exhausted Mojo, slumped in a corner. Oh yeah, Paul has been doing the nasty with Mojo. But will it be enough to save her?

Paul intones, “All right my lovelies, let us rumble.”

Sarah tells the others “Not all fairy tales end with happiness.”

And Allison finishes “Some end with the knife!”

The girls all exit the hotel’s revolving door and climb into a white stretch limo for the short drive back to the yacht. They board and arrange themselves in the boat’s salon.

They have barely settled when in walks the Ghost of the Show, Alex McLeod! “Hello,” she says, “I’m Alex McLeod, ghost of this show.” Or maybe she said “host”—I was too busy staring at her fugly outfit to notice. Alex is wearing a fashion disaster mauve suit, with a big dark fur collar and black leather gloves. The jacket is fastened with one button, which is too tight. The camera can’t bear to show her face, so we switch almost immediately to a rear view which reveals a rumpled, crumpled, ill-fitting split skirt.

Alex, “Bonsoir. In a minute Evan will give four of you exquisite emerald necklaces as a keepsake and an invitation to continue with him on this romantic journey. I’ll just get Evan.” Alex exits back into oblivion. Man the producers must really hate her!

Evan walks in with Paul, who has four emerald necklaces on a silver tray. They waste no time, but make the picks at once. While Evan fastens a necklace around each of the chosen girls we hear him in voice-over giving the reasons for his choice.

1. Sarah. “I get along with her and she looked really hot in that red bustier.”
2. Melissa M. “We had a good date and down the road I may still be interested in her.”
3. Mojo. “Mojo is gorgeous—a tall blonde bombshell. She’s really a good girl and she’ll go far in life.” Paul smirks.

Two are left. Who will he choose?

4. Zora. (Zora goes “hmmm?” and seems very surprised.) “Even though the date didn’t go very well there’s something intriguing about Zora and I really want to keep her around.”

Evan looks at Allison with a smile. “We’re smiling, you and I” he tells her.

Allison nods. “I was happy to be here.” But then she turns away in tears.

Evan, “I knew she was looking for a more sophisticated guy, and I knew I would never be able to live up to her expectations. But now I wonder if I made a mistake.”

Evan leaves. Paul escorts Allison from the boat and French kisses her goodbye. You know, that way they do in France—a quick kiss on each cheek. Very sweet.

Paul, “Evan really likes Allison and is intrigued by her. He would like to chase after her but I don’t think he really knows how to.”

Allison, “From here I’m going into romantic detox.”

Paul, “And then there were four.”

---------

Finally, this show is over! Or not. I forgot about the Butler’s fireside chat. Cripes, that’s my favorite part of this whole show. I pour the last drops of cognac into my empty glass.

Paul, “What a pity! I liked Allison. Hopefully our boy doesn’t look back and think—mmmm—is she the one I let get away! I did warn him that ‘A faint heart never won a fair maiden’.”

“Next week we join our dashing ditch digger as he moves on to the chateau for some late night rendezvous. Did I mention there’s a hot tub?” Paul sips his cognac and we go straight into previews for next week.

Next Week.

Mojo, “When we got back, Evan was half naked.”
Scenes of headless boobs, lots of kissing.
Some one says, “She’s drunk again!”
Evan, “I think she’s an opportunist.”

Voiceover, “All is fair in love and money. Who will be the next to go?”

There is a Thursday encore for this episode, if you missed the Monday showing and want to see it. Check your local Fox listings.

Swami