1. Vonzell Soloman

It was yet another grand-slam for this critics darling, Baby 'V.' I know my readers enjoy it when I slam the contestants, but there was frankly nothing to find fault with here. Our Diva of the Week chose a monochromatic ensemble which really allowed her lovely skin-tone to 'pop:' a sexy taupe top and cream skirt. The ensemble alone could have been dull... but again, her accessories were the key here. (Pay attention, ladies at home... less is more.) She chose a metallic sash belt, a pearl bracelet, and sexy strappy gold spike heels. Soft flowing curls in her hair and subtle metallic tones in her makeup rounded out the look.

2 (tie). Constantine Maroulis

Constantine looked freakin' sexy in his tight black rocker jeans, low-slung leather and silver belt, black fitted shirt, and big black pointy boots. (Maybe I'm just in an especially horny mood, but did anyone else notice how flattering the jeans were in the... crotch area?) My quibble continues to be with his hair, which despite the recent addition of caramel highlights, is still much to unkempt, greasy, and wild for my taste. (On an even more shallow note, Connie's ever-prominent double chin is disconcerting as well.) Note to Constantine: obviously the rocker thing was a bust for you. Time to cut your hair, hit the gym and lose a few pounds of extra fat, buy some tight fitting suits, and croon an album of Michael Buble/Harry Connick Jr.-ish standards. You'll make a mint, I guarantee you.

2 (tie). Carrie Underwood

In general, Carrie's look this week was a success. Sure, I'm not a huge fan of the cowgirl chic look in general... but part of being a diva is knowing who you are and who your audience is... and Carrie had both those things down this week. The black western shirt with white detail was well fitted, and the big rhinestone belt was a nice addition. The tight western jeans were appropriate as well, as were the big black boots. Here's my criticism: Since darker colors are more slimming, perhaps it may have been a better choice to have the shirt be a lighter color than the pants... considering her body type. To be clear, I want America to know that I don't think Carrie is fat by any means. Still, some people are more blessed genetically than others, and Carrie, like Kelly Clarkson before her, will photograph 'hippy' no matter how thin she is. She should fool the camera by wearing dark colors below the waist and lighter or brighter colors above the waist. An electric blue western shirt and black jeans would have been a better, more slimming combination. (She also had a Fashion Faux-pas moment after the song, when her sleek hair became poufed at her neckline. I so wanted Ryan to just reach over and fix it for her, but as always, he was clueless.)

2 (tie). Anthony Federov

Despite my heretofore admitted crush on the tight-bodied Ukranian blonde, I still must criticize him as harshly as all the other less-deserving-of-my-lust candidates. This week, he had all the elements right... and yet failed in execution. His navy pinstripe suit was an appropriately classy and current choice. Too bad it was so poorly fitted. Any decent tailor could have brought the jacket in for a leaner line (leaner lines are de rigeur this year) and the pants should have been at least a size smaller. The light blue dress shirt was a nice safe choice, though I would have buttoned one more button to avoid the 'flouncing' effect of the too-open collar. And I loved his black pointy shoes, but I've seen him wear on the show twice previously. Time for my second favorite pastime... shoe shopping. (As for my first favorite pastime... I must admit to getting a little tingly down there when I realized how unexpectedly large his feet are... we all know what that means!) If you need a companion for either of my favorite pastimes, A-Fed, I'd be happy to volunteer.

5. Bo Bice

This may be an unpopular stance for me to take, but I hated Bo's ensemble this week. I found the psychedelic Rasta-inspired red green and black caftan to be cartoony and unflattering. Not even to mention the bug-eyed Lenny Kravitz sunglasses which Simon quite rightly referred to as 15-years-outdated. On the plus side, I liked what little I could see of the bootlegged jeans and boots, and his hair, while still too unkempt for my taste, did look clean and shiny.

6. Scott Savol

I'm getting predictable, I admit. This was, without question, Scott's best week yet, sartorially. (Especially considering how difficult it must be to find things that fit him.) The grey pinstripe 4-button blazer was actually quite stylish, and, in theory, the lavender dress shirt was a nice touch. Even so, the ensemble was a bust, I'm afraid, and I'm forced to give Scott yet another Fashion Citation. His un-tucked lavender shirt was much too long, and it hung sloppily over huge formless jeans. The huge jeans, in turn, were draped over boxy white tennis shoes. And, after weeks of trying, isn't it time to shave that silly spotty chin-strap 'beard?' Just like your career, Scott, that facial hair will never amount to anything.

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Idol Finalists. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned a$$.

Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary from a gay point of view. Please DON’T go to his former website, which shall remain nameless, because it has been usurped by a (gasp!) Straight Porn site.