Welcome to my summary of The Bachelorette – the show that seeks to answer the questions:

“Can a good looking backup quarterback for a mediocre NFL football team find true love on a TV game show without being stalked and murdered by one of the scorned women he left behind??” and

“Will Jesse Palmer spend more time on TV as The Bachelor than he ever will as a quarterback?

The answers to these questions and more will follow – and you don’t have to wait through any long commercial breaks, recaps of previous weeks, or precaps of what’s to come.

As a service to those of you who have seen the show and are reading this for the insight and snarky comments, all such comments will be in bold text. Snarky comments in red; insightful comments or important points in blue. This way, you can skip through the boring descriptions of the actual dates and hit just the good parts.

Also, to add a little fun factor, I’m including my copyrighted dating show checklist, which first appeared in my summary for the Average Joe. We can use it to keep track of the cliché story lines in tonight’s episode. Here’s the list. I’ve added two new cliches at the suggestion of former summary readers:

 1) Chemistry / connection claim
 2) Hot tub scene
 3) Make out scene
 4) Girl proclaims she’s not there to make friends
 5) Can’t trust anybody speech
 6) Romantic boat ride
 7) The show will be referred to as a “process”
 8) Bachelor points out the quirks of dating n women at once
 9) One contestant tries to sabotage (another through speech or actions)
 10) Eliminated contestant will tearfully state that the “star” sent home the wrong woman (only applicable when a man is the star because no eliminated male would EVER do this.

Feel free to make and distribute copies if this checklist to your friends and use it for future installments of the Bachelor or any other dating show. Tonight’s show is a finale, so right away, items 4, 5, and 9 can be eliminated because they no longer apply. Now that the business end has been taken care of, let’s get on to the summary!

Hometown Dates

The show starts in Jesse’s hometown of Indianapolis, IN, where Jesse will take each girl to meet his family. Jesse tells us he is confused and nervous. He never thought it would get to this point. Now what the heck does that mean? Has he NEVER seen the show before? Is he unaware that the guy ALWAYS falls in love and ALWAYS must ultimately pick between two girls, one of who’s heart he must crush like a bug before he can claim his prize? Or did he think the show would be so boring they would cancel it midseason?

Anyway, he says he has such strong feelings for both of them that he may not propose to either. Yeah, that’ll teach them to steal his heart!

Now it’s time to meet Jessica, and they walk into what appears to be a local winery for some wine and food. It’s a quaint looking place, and you can almost smell the musty scent of the wine aging in oak barrels. Jessica tells him it was hard to hear he was falling in love with both her and Tara, but assures Jesse he can tell her anything. Jesse said he was just trying to be honest with her. Off camera, Jessica tells us she’s having a hard time putting her heart on the line with Tara still around.

Jesse has a surprise for her – it’s Jenny with her husband, Nick, who is Jesse’s best friend. Jesse takes Nick aside and confides that he’s crazy about both girls, and, basically, asks Nick to pick one or the other. Then the conversation gets good, and leads us to the unspoken dirt we’ve been waiting to hear:

Nick: “How close have you gotten to these girls – if you know what I mean (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)?”
Jesse: “Pretty close” (biting his lip to suppress a smile)

Now, I’ve been out of the dating scene for quite a while, but this code was WAY too obvious for even ME to miss. I’m sure both girls’ parents will be thrilled when they see THIS scene!

Meanwhile, on the female front, Jessica tells Jenny she’s head over heels in love with Jesse, and Jenny is thrilled! She has hoped all along that Jessica and Tara would be the final two, but is upset knowing that someone’s heart will be broken. Time for another partner switch, and I’m wondering if this is something the future Mrs. Palmer will have to get used to.

Jessica goes off with Nick, who asks here if she’s “here to win”. WARNING, WARNING! Danger ahead, Jessica! Be careful how you answer that question!. She says she’s definitely here to win, and the way it sounds, she’s more into the game than the guy. Hopefully for Jessica, Nick will be too dense to report this turn of events to Jesse.

Jesse confesses to Jenny that he’s confused and doesn’t know how the girls feel about him. MAN, Is this guy needy, or what? Anyway, Jenny passes this information along to Jessica with some good advice – “if you want him, tell him”. It’s good advice that’s well delivered. I like Jenny and in my opinion, the Best Friend spy idea was definitely a good twist.

Now they’re off to meet Mom and Dad, and the only interesting event is the discussion of Jessica’s age. Dad asks Jessica how old she is. Jessica holds up both hands and says “this many”. (not really, but I wish it would have happened). Jessica says she’s 21 but will be 22 in a month. I guess every day counts. Maybe she should have said she’ll be 22 when this show airs. Bottom line – Mom loves her, Dad thinks she’s too young and immature. I am getting irritated by Jessica because of her pseudo “Valley Girl” voice she adopts when answering the parent’s questions. Like, fer sure, totally freak me out!

As they kiss goodnight, Jessica follows Jenny’s advice and tells Jesse that she is falling in love with him and sees a future together. Awwww!

Tara Meets the Parents

Jesse meets Tara at the Indianapolis Zoo for a get-together. This doesn’t seem very fair to me compared to the winery date. You can almost smell the musky scent of gorilla and elephant feces! Jesse bluntly tells Tara she needs to tell him how she feels. Inexplicably, instead of complying she ARGUES that she already has! Now Tara, I know Jesse is unbelievably needy, but just TELL HIM and shut him up! Guess what, Nick and Jenny are at the zoo too, – what are the odds? Jesse looks surprised. Tara tells Jenny she wants to marry Jesse, while Jesse once again tries to get Nick to select his bride, based on the 15 minutes he’s known both girls. Nick is having none of it, however.

The plot is starting to become clearer to me now. Tara is the wildcard and underdog – unknown, mysterious, uncomfortable in the situation. Jessica is expressive, comfortable, and the front-runner. Past Bachelor experience tells me that Tara is almost certain to be the surprising winner in a SHOCKING. ROSE. CEREMONY. Even more shocking? We’re almost through the first hour, and I haven’t crossed a single item off my checklist. Sigh.

At 23 years old, Tara is a LOT older and wiser than Jessica, so she’s sure to be a big hit with Dad. She is, especially since she’s a contractor, which is practically the Palmer family business, apparently. Dad is glowing in Tara’s presence (maybe he’s just more of a breast man), but Mom has a look of horror in her eyes. Jesse talks privately with Mom, who thinks Tara may not be interested in boys, and there doesn’t seem to be a CONNECTION between the two of them. Yahoo! That’s item number one on our list and finally, there’s something to cross off. Oh, and actually, Mom says she doesn’t seem interested in boys right now. I guess that’s an important distinction!

Dad tells Jesse he loves Tara – thinks she’s more giving, more genuine, and has a nicer RACK! (okay, I made that part up – but I’ll bet he was thinking it). As Tara leaves, she tells Jesse she has fallen in love with him.

Ring Shopping

Back in L.A. and it’s time to pick out rings. This time, they’ll pick out rings as a couple – no, not Tara and Jessica!. First, Jesse and Tara go to select a ring. They are both nervous and you can tell Jesse is wondering how many games he’ll need to sit on the bench to pay for this thing. The experience is eye-opening for him and he leaves wondering will he propose to Tara, not propose - but take it a step further, or never see her again. Guess no one told him about the After the Rose special where he’ll have to face whichever woman he scars for life.
Jessica is next. She walks into the store - Jesse’s already inside. Am I mistaken or is Jesse finishing a transaction with the sales clerk for Tara’s ring??? Maybe not. Ironically, Jessica picks out the same ring Tara did – the one with the most diamonds. In a rare display of good judgement, Jesse keeps this piece of information to himself, but I’m wondering how the women will feel about picking the same ring when the episode airs. At least Jesse doesn’t have to worry about buying the wrong one. Next, Jesse starts to fret, as he explains the pressures involved with dating 2 girls at once. WooHoo! That’s item number 6 on our checklist. Cross it off if you’re keeping score at home! Now all we need is a good hot tub/makeup session aboard a boat!

Last Dates

Jesse will have one more night with each girl, starting with Tara. Jesse is quiet, which makes Tara nervous. Tara really lays it on the line now – she’s holding nothing back. She loves him and will marry him if he asks – now a year from now, 10 years from now. Jesse’s happy that Tara’s walls are finally down. A make out session follows, but no hot tub. So we get to cross off #3, but we knew THAT would happen. Looks like only one more chance for a hot tub. Get that bikini ready, Jessica.

Jessica comes over for her date – and she is looking HOT! They have dinner and they talk, but once again Jesse is offering TOO MUCH INFORMATION, telling Jessica how he tried the same rings on with Tara. He also states he doesn’t know who he’s picking tomorrow, which really bothers Jessica who thinks he should have SOME idea by now. Oh well, nothing like a little HOT TUB action to take their minds off of Jesse’s decision. Yes, that’s item #2. I knew Jessica would come through for me.

The Big Day

Tara or Jessica; Jessica or Tara – he still doesn’t know. We get the required flashback picas of all their dates together (where I notice Jessica has a tattoo of a cross right above her nice little ###.) I’m trying to remember if we’ve even seen Tara in a bathing suit yet. Anyway, Jesse is FINALLY starting to lean a particular direction and he’s chosen a ring. Wow, that had to be tough since they picked the same one. I’d be really worried if that was a tough decision. No wonder he’s the BACKUP quarterback. How does he decide which receiver to throw the ball to?

Tara is getting ready and starts to break down in her hotel room. She has the best quote of the night: “I care so much for him that I want him to be happy, BUT I want him to choose me because I want to be happy, too.” I love this quote and so I’m officially rooting for Tara now.

Now we’re back to Jessica. She says if Jesse asked her to marry him tonight she’d say yes because the process – PROCESS – she said process! Cross item #5 off the list. It was looking hopeless for a while there, but now the cliches are flying by!. Anyway, Jessica, blah, blah, blah, leap of faith, etc…...

Things are moving quickly now. Tara is freaking out in the limo and Jesse is telling us that all of a sudden he’s sure who he’s picking and it’s so obvious to him now. He uses the same “leap of faith” line that Jessica did and talks about how he finally got her to open up. This could be foreshadowing, but which way? Jessica or Tara?

For me, the hard part is next. I’m a kind soul, and hate to watch a young woman’s heart get broken. Jesse tells us he hates having to do it. The first limo opens up, and the air is thick with anticipation. Jessica steps out, and this is bad news for her because the first one out is normally the dumpee. Will tonight be different? I hope not because I think she’ll be able to bounce back better than Tara.

Cut to the other limo again. It has pulled over. Tara is so nervous, she feels nauseous and is worried about hurling on the limo floor. We are treated to a nice close-up of her vomiting (thanks for that ABC), and I’m kinda sad that she has to hold her own hair out of the way. Shouldn’t Jesse be there to hold her hair back? I also wonder if she has a toothbrush handy so she can kiss Jesse when he delivers the good news.

Back to Jessica – I hope he lets her down gently! Anyway, he knows she’s something special, she’s given him everything he’s asked for without asking for anything in return , BUT (here it comes, and Jessica’s smile leaves her face as she braces for the pain) – BUT, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow if I can’t wake up with you!!! <shock> He’s chosen Jessica </shock> He won’t be proposing tonight, but she doesn’t care, he just wants him. Aww, it’s sweet. I’m getting to be too much of a softie in my old age.

We cut back to Tara, who’s just now getting back in the limo. Poor Tara! I feel so bad for her – but not too bad to replay the part where she bares her legs and most of her butt getting back into the limo! A half-dozen times! With slow-motion. Sadly, The Bachelor isn’t filmed in hi-def.

Jesse invites Jessica to go upstairs and witness the carnage as he rips Tara’s heart from her body. She can see it all from the upstairs balcony. Tara is near hysterics, but finally gets out of the car. She pauses several times on her way to a waiting Jesse, and off-camera tells us that she’s really afraid of being hurt. She finally gets to Jesse, but needs a couple of minutes. As Jessica watches from upstairs, Tara is turning the tables on Jesse, doing ALL the talking. She’s feeling really bad because either she or one of her best friends is getting dumped today and either way it’s bad. Then she goes on to describe that she’d be the happiest woman in the world if he chose her, and thinking these thoughts, she’s no longer crying. WOW. That’s going to make what Jesse has to say a LOT more difficult.

He starts his speech, tellingly dropping her hands as he speaks. Eventually, TARA supplies the “BUT”, and he tells her he’s fallen in love with someone else. She’s stunned, but surprisingly composed. She wishes he hadn’t led her on, and that some of the things he said and did on their last date were completely inappropriate if he wasn’t planning to end up with her. My mind quickly heads towards the gutter. How about yours? Maybe it’s good Jesse isn’t proposing tonight – he may want to wait for Tara’s EPT results!

Has Tara used up all her tears? She’s holding up surprisingly well. As she takes her final limo ride, I’m selfishly hoping she’ll tell us he sent home the wrong woman, but, alas, it’s not to be. She’s angry at him, but has little else to say. We won’t be checking #7 off our checklist tonight.

The Bachelor ends on a happy note as Jessica cheerfully accepts the final rose.

As for our checklist, we did pretty well checking off 5 out of the 7 applicable items. No boat ride and no “you’ll regret this” speech. I’ll have to say that for once, we did see the MOST.DRAMATIC.FINAL.ROSE.CEREMONY.EVER!

Thanks for reading. Tune in next week for The Bachelor: After the Final Rose

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