Official Bachelor Episode 5 Summary: Nobody Loves Lee-Ann

Previously on the Bachelor…

Brak brak brak Bob brak brak brak women brak brak brak rose for you, not for you brak brak brak.

Quick preview of tonight show’s Bob’s friends, tears, melodrama, more tears, and the following comments that arouse any dirty mind:

It’s…getting…real. It’s…getting…hard.

I quickly realize that if I were playing a drinking game that required taking a shot after every double entendre, I’d be drunk before the opening credits.

But in the end – 6 women, 4 roses, 2 broken hearts, and 1 gagging summary writer.

Let’s meet the bitches…I mean, desperate Bridezilla wanna-bes…I mean, the future Mrs. Bob, four of her bridesmaids, and the uninvited guest crashing the wedding screaming, “It should have been meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!”

Lee-Ann
Estella
Meredith
Brooke
Kelly Jo
Mary

A Little Help From My Friends

Now we’re introduced to Bob’s friends: business partner Greg, Greg’s wife Katina, and Jaime from “The Bachelorette”. Obviously, most of Bob’s older friends did not wish to meet the stalking psycho hose beasts competing for Bob’s affection.

Cardboard Host explains that, based on their performances in the Interview Competition, 3 of the girls will win 1-on-1’s (that’s dates, you dirty minded readers). For the math challenged, that means that 3 girls will share a group date.

As Lee-Ann heads out for the interview, Katina explains that, as a friend who saw Bob go through his divorce, she thinks he needs a strong woman in his life.

INSTAPOLL: Why does the next Mrs. Bob need to be a strong woman?
a. Because Bob has no backbone.
b. Because the first Mrs. Bob may need to have a stake driven through her heart.
c. Because his wife will be expected to operate a forklift and do heavy lifting.

Let’s take a look at some of the interview questions:
- How do you feel about the fact that Bob was married before?
- Who should wear the pants in the family?
- When is it OK to have sex – after marriage, the third date, or when it feels right?
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if Lee-Ann threatened to marry it?
- Are you a kitten or a tiger in the bedroom?
- Have you ever had a one-night stand?

The highlights (or lowlights, take your pick) of the answers included:
- Estella saying she’d have sex on the first date. (Oops, did you ask third date? No, they didn’t buy the “cover”, dear.)
- Brooke saying she’d never had sex, because she’s waiting for the right person. She also thinks the man should wear the pants in the family. And should she win the title of Mrs. Bob, she’ll promote world peace as her platform during her reign.
- Jaime and Greg offered to prove whether the girls told the truth on the kitten/tiger answers.
- Mary confessed she’s falling in love with Bob.

About the one-night stand question…this was the Stupidity Question on the test. Would any of the girls be stupid enough to admit to a one-night stand so that they could eliminated quickly? Unfortunately, the girls showed enough sense to answer “no”. Frankly, I would have loved to see the interviewers’ reaction if one of the girls had said, “Hell, yeah! Anyone interested in one right now?”

As soon as the interview is over, Lee-Ann wants to know if she got 10’s. They said sure. What they didn’t say was that it was on a 100-point scale.

1st Solo Date – There’s Something About Mary

Greg explains that they picked Mary for a solo date because she expressed such strong feelings, and they need to see where that could go. Better to send them on a supervised date with cameras to record evidence than to have a future bunny-boiling moment.

Bob picks up Mary, and they jet off to a private party at an amusement park. “Let’s be 12,” she giggles. Then they play-argue about who’s 12, 13, 14, brak brak. We then see why age is a big deal – because Mary’s older, but doesn’t think age is a big deal. Uh huh, yeah. No, we’re not threatened to be the only remaining contestant over 30, are we?

Lee-Ann’s Contractually Obligated Meltdown

Miss Least Congeniality is sitting outside, feeling sorry for herself because it’s been at least an hour since she’s been the Center of Attention.

Oh my, she’s from North Carolina. I hope America doesn’t think all of our single women are total wackos. So what that we sent two contestants to the Miss America pageant because they both insisted the tiara was theirs. And then there’s the pageant contestant who lost her crown by beating up a pregnant girl. Single female Tarheels don’t handle competition well.

Back to our diva. She is not comfortable in the house because nobody likes her. She’s miserable. Waah waah wahh. Yawn.

Little Miss Hissy Fit goes into the house, where the other girls are having fun because, well, because she wasn’t there. She breaks it up to hold court in the other room. There, she sobs how she’s sorry she pulled away from the other girls and how she feels so alone. “I hate being the one who doesn’t fit in,” she sobs, “because I don’t have any friends and wanted to make y’all wear the obnoxious pink taffeta bridesmaid dresses when I marry Bob.” Then she asks what to do to stay the Center of Attention but not get her eyes gouged out.

Kelly Jo tells her to be herself. In a confessional, she calls Lee-Ann “Sybil”. Oh, Sybil would be so much more fun.

Roller Coaster…Of Love

Bob and Mary arrive at the amusement park. They ride the riders, play the games, and cover each other in cotton candy. Mary loved the flying bungee ride since “when we were kissing, it felt like we were floating”. Note to Webby: Please supply barf bags to future “Bachelor” summary writers. Then they enjoy a candlelight dinner of corn dogs and snow cones. Bob jokes that they have no chemistry as they discuss living arrangements, and Mary uses the ‘L’ word. No, not Lee-Ann, the other one.

2nd Solo Date – Viva Las Vegas

Estella was the lucky winner of the second solo date. Bob compliments his friends for picking 2 of the 6 women he wanted to get to know better. Estella’s psyched they’re going to Vegas, and hopes they’ll get drunk, get married, and not come back to the show. Um, like that’s going to happen now that you’ve tipped off the producers.

At dinner at Caesar’s Palace, Estella tells Bob that she’s more open with her feelings since her father died two years ago. Bob finds her amazing since she “feels with her heart”. Apparently, the first Mrs. Bob must have been one of those women who feels with her pancreas.

Back At Casa Catfight

Kelly Jo opens the date box and reads that Lee-Ann, Meredith, and Brooke will be going on a group date with Bob. After a few moments, she realizes that means she got the last group date. Brooke realizes that playing the Virgin Card didn’t impress the friends. Meredith realizes she’ll be stuck hanging around Lee-Ann and will have to play nice, since she’s trying to impress Bob. Lee-Ann is stunned that her phenomenal interview didn’t convince the Superfriends that she was the only one worthy of a solo date. Mary is in tears because it’s hard to see the other girls going on these dates. Kelly Jo thinks Mary is crying because she’s threatened by the connection KJ shares with Bob.

Not-So Honeymoon In Vegas

Bob asks Estella if she would have rather been in a group date setting. Overwhelmed, she pulls a familiar female trick and excuses herself to the bathroom. Clueless, Bob wants to escort her and keeps the door open so he can talk to her. Estella’s crying in the bathroom because she’s falling for Bob, while he’s concerned about hitting a bump in the road. I’m wondering how many freakin’ euphemisms I’ll have to think of for “falling for”, since it appears to be the Phrase O’ The Day.

It Is Balloon!

Bob complains that the lack of sleep is getting to him. I want to throw things at the TV every time Bob complains about his situation, since he knew all too well what he was getting into, since he’s been on the other end. Shut up, you’ve got beautiful women begging to spend time with you, and you don’t have to pay one dime for all of these dates.

The four balloon over to the Botanical Gardens to play croquet. Bob sucks at croquet, so he steals Meredith away for some quiet time. She gets irritated when he says he likes them all the same, because she can’t understand how he could say that about different women. Brooke says that not getting a one-on-one doesn’t mean that they have less of a connection. Lee-Ann says it pierced her heart when he said that he had feelings for all of the girls...or, at least, it pierced the stone cold piece of rock that sits where most women have a heart.

It’s a rough morning for Bob, since he doesn’t like being in this position. Um, Bob doesn’t like being with three women who are throwing themselves at him, knowing that he has three more waiting to do the same whenever they can get the chance? Gee, when he was on “The Bachelorette”, the editors somehow managed to make him look like he had a brain, among other organs. Silly us for buying into that.

After the date is over, the girls are jumping into the pool in their bikinis, just in case Bob might walk by and be so stunned by their natural beauty and ability that he takes them then and there. No such luck – they just see the Superfriends waiting to say good-bye. So sad. Come back, Jaime.

3rd Solo Date – My Dinner With Bob

Kelly Jo walks in with her claws bared, ready to go. Oops, sorry, those are live lobsters in her hands. Once they’re in the kitchen, she puts on the apron and orders Bob to “tie me up”. Bob enjoys the offer, until he realizes she’s just talking about the apron. We’re then shown more cooking and clowning that normally seen on an entire season of “Iron Chef”, except we don’t have any narrative from Ohta on what the challengers are up to.

After dinner, Kelly Jo pulls out her photo album. She opens up about her dad dying and talks about her family. Wait a minute, did I hit rewind? Haven’t we already had the “my dead father makes me realize I need to be more open and honest with my feelings” spiel once during this episode? Are these dates or therapy sessions? Fast-forward to smooching in the hot tub, while Kelly Jo says, surprisingly, that she too is falling for him.

Speaking of dead horses, I am now obligated to remind you that there are 6 women, 4 roses, and 2 broken hearts in this episode.

To Quote Clay Aiken, This Is The Night

Women walk up, brak brak brak, Bob greets each one, brak brak brak, each steals him away brak brak brak, gimme rose, brak brak brak. The fun happens when everyone’s least favorite Center of Attention heads out for her steal-away time and the others eavesdrop. Lee-Ann, of course, loved the Superfriends and is sure that they had nice things to say about her. The others are gagging (like me) and laughing profusely (again, like me) at her comments to Bob.

Lee-Ann then points out that she gave Bob an ultimatum last time, so she knows that “I am getting a rose.”

Bob is summoned to chat with Cardboard Host and watch the video messages.

Lee-Ann – I can’t wait for you to give me my rose. My dad will whoop your ass at basketball, Pansy Boy.

Meredith – Our one-on-one time meant a lot to me, since it meant Lee-Ann wasn’t there. Please give me a rose and kick her to the curb.

Estella – I had an amazing time in Vegas, even though I cried in the bathroom most of the time.

Mary – “It doesn’t take a roller coaster to make my heart beat faster.” Does she work for a greeting card company? No? Oh, no wonder. She promises him a big wet one after he gives her a rose.

Brooke has a hard time reading her script, but I think she wanted him to give her a rose.

Kelly Jo – Our date validated my feelings for you. Of course, if you don’t give me a rose, I won’t even validate parking for you.

Coming up...THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER. Mr. Bebo and I yawn, unimpressed. We’re just hoping we get to laugh Lee-Ann all the way back to our home state.

THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER

They made me write that.

Cardboard Host walks out, brak brak brak, Bob’s going to visit your hometowns and families, brak brak brak, except of course for the two losers.

Bob says that “I know none of you would ever have to wait for a flower from a guy.” This, of course, explains why they are standing there, waiting for a flower from a guy. Bob then says it “ultimately comes down to your relationship with me”. I’m so relieved. I was afraid he was going to make them all play Yahtzee for roses.

First rose goes to…Kelly Jo. At this point, Mr. Bebo smiles, since he liked her the most. I think it’s because she showed the most cleavage.

Second rose goes to…Mary. She cried a little. Bob realizes that a relationship with her will mean a significant bill for Kleenex.

Since we’re shown Estella crossing her fingers, it’s not surprise that the third rose goes to…Estella.

At this point, Cardboard Host tells us that this is the final rose. I don’t know what we’d do without him around to state the obvious. And the final rose goes to…

Meredith.

Mr. Bebo high-fives me, because the two he wanted to go are gone. I heave a sigh of relief that I got to do a summary while Lee-Ann was still on the show, because the others are so much alike that future summaries are going to be way too difficult.

Brooke cries during her good-byes. She is broken-hearted (which we already know from the 53 previews that told us 2 women would be) and regrets not letting Bob know how interested she was.

Lee-Ann doesn’t understand what happened. Here’s a clue – HE DIDN’T CHOOSE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A BITCH. She’s sure that one of the other girls must have said something about her that influenced him. He obviously was swayed by one of them, so (and I swear this is a quote, I can’t make up stuff this good), “Yuck, grow up, grow a freakin’ backbone and make your own decisions…I’m a great catch.” Obviously, Bob thinks you belong in a catch and release program, so BUH.BYE.

Next week, Bob is screwed because he yet again does not know what to do. Hate it for ya, dude.

We really do have guidelines here. Believe it or not, the Guidelines make things more fun. Really.