LAST EDITED ON 05-05-05 AT 00:27 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 05-05-05 AT 00:25 AM (EST)

Okay, well they didn't really go wild on camera. I titled this summary thusly in hopes of having one or two, maybe even three, people visit this thread and read my hours and hours of labour, the worst hour of which involved me sitting in front of my television, barf-bag in paw, enduring yet another hour of this tired, wretched has-been yakfest of a dating-show turned DAWbutante festival.

If you're just joining in and you're actually interested in learning more, then I feel sorry for you please read the summaries-gone-by of my comrades-in-distress who are not only watching this minor fender-bender that wants to be a trainwreck, but who have also laboured into the night trying to make this show funny and the characters interesting enough for both of you to want to read about them.

Last time on the Bachelwhore, Charlie dumped the girl with the big kahunas, Uber-oobies. This pleased me, what with Uber-oobies being Canadian and me being Canadian, I didn't want the public to think that all Canadian woman with big yaya's are ho's. It was ruining my cover, y'see.

So, this time, it looks like the Bachelwhore and his prospective bachelwhorettes are going to Aruba. Of course, this is just another excuse for the producers to put the ho's in bikinis again, and much to their dismay, Charlie is all fresh out of bikini models! What's a slimey network to do? Put the focus on the slimey title character? Ha!

See, I have something of a problem with the choice of bachelor this time. Aren't these bachelors supposed to be unbelievably good-looking with loads of old money? At best, much to the relief of Julia Roberts and Darryl Hannah, this bachelor has proven to the world that horsey is not just for women anymore. That's right, ladies, if horsey is your thing, then Charlie is just dripping with neighing, snorting, bucking equine goodness. The first time I saw Charlie, I was sure I heard the quick *scritch* of pencil on paper as Alannis Morrisette (no stranger to horsey herself) crossed the name "Charlie" off of her Men Who Must Die List, a rare show of gratitude on her part for his sacrificial representin' of their kind.

So, where were we? Oh, yes. The Aruba Triangle. The girls are pulling up in limos, each of them pretending to think that they have the bestest date of all in Aruba, while the other girls are stuck in bone-chilling, heavily-clothed, unsexy destinations like Canada. Then they get out of their limos and pretend to realize what's going down. They put on their fake smiles that they have reserved just special for each other, and pretend to be underwhelmed. Again, I hear the quick *scritch* of pencil on paper as Pamela Anderson, long-suffering star of her own various short-lived TV serieseseses, happily crosses the names Sarah, Sarah and Pissily off her Potential Emmy Competition List.

Now that the ho's have disembarked from their too-good-for-their-cheap-heinies limosines, let me channel the snark and wit of our beloved Larry, who has, much to the dismay of the whole world, never put snark and wit together with his keyboard in what would surely be an ugly onslaught of rightly-earned insults flinged mercilessly like so many airborne cheeseballs toward the various bachelwhores and bachelwhorettes who willingly fall in love on the first date and unabashedly lose their hearts, virginity and DIVA-points in front millions a couple of hundred television viewers week-in and week-out.

Let's start with Prissily. She's the one who went from Bitchily to Prissily in a matter of a few weeks. We started out hating her, but now we are merely confused by her. Who is this villain-#####-on-wheels turned vulnerable-smalltowngirl-crybaby? Will the real Pissily please stand up? Actually, lay down. Yes, that's better. You prefer laying down, don't you? *nudge* *wink*

Krisileech has never left Bob's Corner, or whatever little hick town she lives in. She's wearing a tiny denim hooker skirt and a tiny maroon top that leaves little to the imagination. You won't need your imagination, though, because the clothing will all be removed later. *nudge* *wink*

Sarah B, who prefers the patronizing "Little Sarah" moniker, but who I will refer to here as Sarah Boring, because she hasn't yet put out for poor Charley-horse, is her perky self and so happy to be there! Everything else about Poor Sarah is just too boring to mention.

I saved the best for last. That's right, Sarah W., or "Big Sarah" or, as her boyfriend Charlie likes to say, "Dub" or "DubDub", but who for the purposes of this summary will heretofore be known as Skank-Skanky-Dubya-Ho, gets out of her limo, just as her driver jumps out of the car and throws himself into the backseat with a spray-bottle of peroxide and a shop rag and madly wipes down the very spot where Skank-Skanky-Dubya-Ho was just sitting. She eyes up the other two ho's with mock contempt, immediately knocking herself out of the running for the Emmy.

The-guy-who-would-be-a-host,whatsisdude, is waiting and tells them to straighten up and look annoyed at each other and look surprised to see him, too, dammit! At which point the three ho's put on fake pouts and throw themselves kicking and screaming to the pavement.

Okay, ABC, I'm convinced now that you named yourselves ABC because it's easy to remember, or because it stands for All-But-Cancelled or some such, because you actually think that you can use non-actors - untrained Desperate Attention Dubya's - to trick your audience into believing this stupid nobody-knew-all-the-ho's-were-in-Aruba storyline. Well, we weren't tricked, Another-Bad-Channel. All four of us knew all along that the girls were faking it.

Faking it? Hmmm. Could this be, perhaps, a flash-forward of sorts, a Mulholland Drive-esque foreshadowing of...naw, none of these bachelwhorettes would be that easy, would they? *spanks self for even suggesting it*

So, Charlie gets to date each girl for a day and possibly the whole night if they want to, which they would never do, of course, because this is national television and that would be such a desperate and skanky thing to do, and none of these ladies would be that easy.

Charlie's first date is with Skank-Skanky-Dubya-Ho. In separate confessionals, both Charlie and Skankah express their wish to get the spark back in their marria...relationship. See, the flames that ignited on their first date have flickered down to a mere Hot Amber, and if they just blow ever so gently, that Hot Amber might just leap up and burn both of them beyond recognition.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, the date. Dubya-ho, ever the classy chick, shows up for her date in a bikini. She reminds us once again of how beautiful she is and what a "catch" she is. Um, DubDub? I consider a mangled, bloody, wrecked up dead bird a "catch." You? Not so much. And is that the way you sit in a jeep? Spread-eagled?? Let's hope you took a detour through Brazil on your way to Aruba.

Charlie says that he and Dub like the same things -"relaxation, sunshine, laziness, getting drunk, and just generally being slobs." Psycho-skank says she knew from day 1 that she knew her and Charlie were meant to be together. Charlie figures they are both fun and shallow so they are a good match.

This leads to one of the scariest moments on reality TV. The Kookakanuka Bus. Amongst annoying music and ridiculous dancing, we get to see Charlie's disgusting, dirty feet as he waves them about in the air. When they're eating dinner, Stalkily decides to go for a walk on the beach and spy on Charlie and Skankah.

When Charlie suggests they go swimming, Skanky said she "wishes she had worn more underwear." WTF?? MORE underwear? You mean you only wore one pair of underwear on your date? W-H-O-R-E!!

Well, we'll never know if Charlie did her, because after the commercials, it's suddenly morning and Chuckup is getting ready to go out with Sarah Boring.

They're going to go sailing. Charlie figures they should kiss because they're in Aruba and people kiss in Aruba. And they do much more in Aruba, as we will discover later.

As Boring and Chuck are sitting on the back on the sailboat, I realize who Charlie reminds me of -- Puddy. The guy from Seinfeld. You know, Elaine's boyfriend with the "stare." Charlie blathers on about how he repects Sarah for taking it slow, then he blatantly tries to jump her in the hammock. Um, you call that a kiss? They're having quick little pecks...*smack* *smack* *smack*.

Suddenly, we are back on the beach, at night, with Skanky and Prissily having a nice little dinner party where they smile at each other and make snippy remarks and agree to hate each other for life before parting ways.

Skank: Enjoy your salad! Call me!
Krisileech: Thanks! Bye! Let's do lunch!

So now Chuckup and Boring are having dinner and talking about the future and boring boring boring. Then they do more *peck* *peck* *pecking* and Charlie the leche invites her back to his love shack, where he just happens to have champagne chilling because he knew she'd be easy after all. Charlie, who just confessed to the camera when he was with Skank that he's only here to have fun, seems to have given Poor Sarah the impression that he is here to find the person he'll spend the rest of his life with. That said, she's still not puttin out, much to his disappointment. "She's challenging me," he laments.

So, next day, Chuckie rings up Pissily, cause you know, three times is the charm so they say. There is this weird moment on the phone when they both do this Goofy laugh before hanging up. This is only the beginning of one weird date, where we see the manic side of Depressily. She is flyin, folks. Charlie's eyes glazed over and he got the Puddy look as she nattered on and on and on and wouldn't shut the fcuk up! Somewhere from inside Charlie's head, we hear the hollowy, echoey sound of a light *scritch* of pencil on paper as Charlie mentally crosses Krustily off his list, unless, of course, she puts out later. Then he might reconsider.

Prissily and Charlie go on a terrifying snorkeling adventure and the intensely claustrophic Pissily dons a mask and dives underwater and screams and panics and...thoroughly gets right into it an enjoys herself. Then they go on a catamaran, where Manickily confesses to never having seen a sunset. A lot of things in Aruba seem to be "firsts" for Prissily. Except for maybe...one thing.

Now we are treated to one of my favourite commercials. It's that Wendy's one, with the piggy little racoons who steal the minivan and go through the drive-through! So cute!

(That's as deep as I go with commercials. I shall leave that to the master.)

(Yes, that was a shoutout.)

After commercials, Charlie acknowledges in confessional that Krisileech is really into him and has decided that he is right for her. Right on cue, he decides to take advantage of this and invites her back to his room for what he calls a "cocktail."

Then we are treated to a staged meeting between the other two wenches. Boring tells Skankah how exciting her date was, but Skankah doubts that Boring is as fun as she is. Coincidentally, they talk about the possibility of Krustily snorkeling, and insist that she would never be able to do that.

Back in the suite, as Charlie gets closer and closer to getting laid, he says that it's possible that he could love Krustily. When Chuckup hits on her, she draws out this long verbal contract about how being intimate with each other would mean that she would go all apeshit if he dumped her at the rose ceremony, and he pulls the crayon out of his brain and signs the contract. Then the door closes behind them and they do it like rabbits. Back in the control room, we hear the sound of wallets flapping open and the sounds of money crumpling as the bets are paid up.

Next day, Krustily is still grinning maniacally and Charlie seems to have a "glow" about him. Everyone gets to speak their mind. Boring says she can't wait to meet his family and bore them to death. Skanky says we hit it off from day one and if you don't pick a catch like me you are insane. Krustily says she is looking forward to more sex sunsets with him.

Charlie now gets to make his picks. He picks Sarah. Now comes the second best part of the show. Dub-ho smiles and steps forward and Charlie says "Sarah B." Bwwaaahahahahahahaha!!! Then, in the first best part of the show, he picks Krustily as per their contract. He walks the loser out and tosses her into a limo.

Now comes the most pathetic.goodbye.speech.ever. "People hate me because I'm beautiful! It's a curse as much of a blessing to be pretty!!" Good riddance!

Back at the beach, the happy threesome clink champagne glasses and celebrate her departure.

Next time, Charlie will take the girls home with them because there's just something special about having your girlfriend in your old bedroom at mom and dad's, according to DH.

This summary was brought to you by Wendy's and the letter Dubya.

The world is my litterbox.