Official Mole 5 Episode 3 Summary: Stripped Down And Hung Out To DryPreviously on Big Brother…
Bebo’s Mole Journal
What the hell is this? It’s not The Mole. At least, it’s not MY Mole. My Mole had interesting people trying to make money…and Andy Coop. On the bright side, at least this show doesn’t include Ahmad Rashad.
I hate Big Brother. If these people are going to act like they’re on BB, I’m going to pretend I’m watching other shows. Imagine if The Mole was put together by the folks from How I Met Your Mother…It would take place in a bar. Marshall couldn’t be the Mole, he wouldn’t keep it a secret and would text Lily about it from the Men’s Room. And Barney as the Mole would be legend…wait for it…ary. Plus, Britney Spears would make a guest cameo appearance in a not-very-veiled attempt to boost ratings.
Paul whined. Bobby whined. The audience whine. Victoria picked a fight. The team lost their senior discount when Liz was eliminated. Nicole threatened to kill Paul.
No, you won’t earn money for the pot, just because those of us watching think you have a good idea.
Paul plays into the team fears by playing mind games after Nicole threatened him.
If the Mole were Saturday Night Live, Eddie Murphy would be reciting poetry. C-I-L-L my teammate.
Mark, Bobby, and Clay are a coalition. Between the three of them, there’s about half a brain.
Nicole said what she said to play mind games of their own.
Let’s play Merv Griffin’s Crosswords! Can you guess the seven-letter word that I’m thinking of right now? No, not that word. Try P-I-E-H-O-L-E. I would like for Paul to shut his PIEHOLE.
Note to players – you have to actually have a mind to play mind games. Just sayin’.
Host Not-Andy eats an apple while he gets the team to break up into two groups – those who don’t trust anyone, and those who trust blindly. Meanwhile, the audience breaks up into two groups – those who don’t like the contestants and…well, that includes all of us, doesn’t it. It’s time for Fruit of the Luge, where the truster will be blindfolded and handling the braking duties, while the other person reads off each of the fruits on the signs that they pass. Meanwhile, the audience will be cheering that the truster and the trustee will crash multiple times on the way down. And there’s NO TALKING once you’re across the finish line.
Time to repeat comment about shutting the seven-letter word. Shut.your.piehole. No chewing gum in class. I’m talking to you! Show of hands, anyone think the teams will remember that part? Anyone?
Clay and Bobby go first and get 5 of the fruits correct, as do Paul and Ali. Victoria and Craig do even better, with a perfect 7 for 7. Then Mark and Kristen also go perfectly. Alex and Nicole are next, with Nicole giving him misinformation as they go down so that they only get one. The rest of the team is not buying that. Hmmm, maybe these people aren’t as stupid as I thought.
Not-Andy tells the team they placed 25 fruits right, which SHOULD be worth $50,000, but Houston, we have a problem. The host then informs Clay, Bobby, Victoria, and Craig that they broke the rules and talked, so the team only earned $26,000.
The Mole as done by Wide World of Sports. We have the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat.
After the challenge, Clay and Mark are suspicious of Bobby and wondering if they’re in a coalition with the Mole. Mark says the only person he trusts is Clay. Clay says the only person he trusts is Clay. Could Bobby really be cunning enough to put one over on his coalition mates? Not without three inhalers, knee replacement surgery, and his mommy to hold his hand as he plays.
Not-Andy told the team to dress in their Sunday best. They were booked a spa day! Woohoo! Alex was enjoying the eye candy. Note that none of the women were commented on the view of the men in fewer clothes. Anyone surprised? Really? Call your optometrist tomorrow. Craig surprised the team by not getting stuck in the waterslide.
Time for pampering. Hot stones, grape massage, chocolate, hanging out in the sauna, Mole discussion…
Mark: Bobby has flown to another planet.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Bobby is from that place where some of your socks go when you put them in the dryer and they disappear.
Not-Andy stole their clothes. Perv. The players were told that their clothes had been sent to the cleaners, but now they had an opportunity to earn more money for the pot. *snort* He invited them out to dinner and told them they would earn money for the pot by begging for the clothes off of people’s back that met the dress code. He told them to drop their robes. Perv. Mark immediately complied, while the women freaked, since they were in their birthday suits. For those going commando, Not-Andy offered special Mole undies, available from K-Mart for $6.99 each, $14.99 for a set of three.
Clay opted out, claiming his dignity was more important than the money. Then why, oh why, are you on this show? Mark joined him on the sidelines which surprised his teammates after he had so quickly dropped his robe. He likes to watch.
Paul and Alex quickly got shirts thanks to Alex’s Spanish…which meant they smelled like cabbies. If The Mole were like Survivor, they would smell like ass. Paul ends up meeting a fellow New Yorker who gives them some pants, and the two of them are the first ones to the restaurant.
Kristen and Victoria were in their hooker boots, and with Ali, they got whistles and a group of schoolboys…and not surprisingly, no one was covering them up. Ali pulled a Bobby and wanted to give up, but then a group of men gives them the shirts off their backs. Then a woman gives them three pairs of black pants, so they completed their wardrobes.
If The Mole were America’s Next Top Model, those undies would have been made of meat.
Bobby, Craig and Nicole were a team. Craig thought that he and Bobby were a walking number 10. The audience knew the truth – they were both zeroes. Bobby would ask for clothes, but a woman thought he needed food. First Nicole, then Bobby got clothes. The challenge was finding something for Craig to wear, even after they went to a costume company. Apparently, the entire city of Santiago had gone on Weight Watchers right before filming. Craig ends up finding the Laundromat where their clothes are, and brings everyone’s clothes back to the restaurant. Craig and Bobby were so pleased that they finally contributed. Clay and Mark show up in their robes only to be turned away at the door. Not-Andy cheers for the team and points out that there was a code on the cards he had given them – the address of the Laundromat was in the bottom corner.
If The Mole were like Hell’s Kitchen, the host would be yelling at the stupid donkey contestants right about now. Ah, how a reality show should be run.
After dinner, it’s quiz time!
If The Mole were like MMA, it would be a much more interesting way to eliminate contestants. Unless Kimbo Slice were fighting, in which case we all know how it would end.
Mark says he’s hypercompetitive – he obsesses over his journal. He calls it taking pride in what he’s doing. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, dude. Paul immediately challenges him. The others call Paul on his lack of respect, and he’s in everyone’s face.
Can you guess the seven-letter word going through my mind right now? Yes, it IS that word that rhymes with Mole.
Paul demanded an apology from Nicole after she told him she loved him. When she apologized, he told her he didn’t want it. He then tried to tell her that down was up and that the world was flat. Paul was firing everyone up to throw them off before the quiz, and to make sure the audience knew he meant it, he added his Riddler laugh.
If The Mole were Batman, the players would have worn capes when they went looking for clothes and would have walked up the sides of buildings with celebrity guest stars making humorous comments along the way.
Quiz time!
Is the Mole male or female?
_ Yes
_ No
Nicole: Bobby has five letters in it. We had five things on our plate at dinner. He could be the Mole.
Bebo: Paul has four letters in it. Paul has four letters in his name. He could be the Mole. Nicole rhymes with Mole.
Which group was the Mole in during the Fruit of the Luge?
_ Fruit
_ Luge
Who was paired with the Mole during Fruit of the Luge?
_ Larry
_ Moe
_ Curly
_ Shemp
Did the Mole put two apples in a row during Fruit of the Luge?
_ Yes
_ No
_ I can’t count that high.
Bobby: Could someone please push the mouse button for me? This hurts too much, I need to take a break.
How much money did the Mole’s team earn?
_ $3.99
_ Not a dime
_ I wouldn’t call it earn…just because we were street walking in our hooker boots…
What kind of specialty massage did the Mole receive?
_ Rock
_ Paper
_ Scissors
Did the Mole participate in the Dress Code mission?
_ Yes, and was quite useful (yeah, right, stop laughing)
_ Yes, and was his/her usual idiot self
_ No, because he was too dignified to march around town in his boxers, so he just stood outside in his boxers all day
Mark: Where’s my journal? Are you looking at my answers?
What was the composition of the Mole’s team during Dress Code?
_ Two morons
_ Three morons
_ Two morons standing by the side of the road in their undies
In what order did the Mole’s group enter the restaurant?
_ Forwards
_ Bassackwards
Paul: Can I piss off someone during the quiz? I can’t make it through more than a minute and a half of the show without being obnoxious.
Who is the Mole?
_ The Stupid One
_ The Whiny One
_ The Annoying One (I know, that one could apply to everyone. Actually, they all could.)
If The Mole were like The Tudors, there would be REAL executions.
Before revealing the results of the quiz, Not-Andy offers a $20,000 bribe for someone to leave the game.
What do you think we are? He knows what you are, now he’s just negotiating the price.
Kristen…green.
Mark…green.
Victoria…asks if it’s too late to take the money…green.
Not-Andy asks if anyone wants to reconsider and raises the bribe to $30,000. Please, oh please, let someone annoying take the money…Ali steps up and takes the money. Damn. On the annoying scale, there are a bunch I’d put ahead of her. She says she’s nervous and thought she didn’t do well on the quiz. As she left, the others expressed their surprise. Bobby said that if there had only been two of them left and Not-Andy offered the money, he wouldn’t have taken it.
INSTAPOLL! Bobby’s comment was…
a. Stupid
b. Foreshadowing
c. Both a and b
Not-Andy tells them that Ali would have been safe, so there’s still going to be an elimination.
If The Mole were like Heroes, the contestants would get zinged by heat-ray vision or something cool like that instead of getting put in a van.
Alex…green.
Bobby…RED.
Victoria has tears in her eyes as she talks about missing Bobby. She is the only one.
Next on The Mole…Craig ends up on a stretcher…Mark storms off…the audience sleeps…
If The Mole were AC360, we’d still have Andy Coop. *sniff*
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