It was time for God to write a sequel to The Bible. Thousands of years had gone by and the almighty had a serious case of writer's block. Sure, he could do more of the same "fire and brimestone" sorta stuff, but God knew that it was time for a change. People knew how important the first Bible was, so they ended up overanalyzing it until they were blue in the face. Something less heavy-handed might do the job.But what to write about? Maybe he could explain all the wonders of the world. The Great Pyramids! Stonehenge! Crop Circles! No, that wouldn't do. He was writing The Holy Bible II, not the front page for Weekly World News.
Maybe he should write about why he allowed all the bad things that happened in the last 2,000 years. Hitler! Now that was a good thing to write about. How could he defend himself on what happened with the Nazi's? The explanation was an easy one. Explaining it would be something different. It's called Free Will, people! How many times does he have to say it? The idea of explaining why he wasn't stopping all the things that human beings were responsible for was starting to irritate the Lord.
After pinching off a gigantic loaf in his golden toilet, God sat down at his jewel-encrusted keyboard and started to go over ideas again. Why did he have to be boxed into the genre of nonfiction/soul-saving/heaven and hell style writing? Why couldn't he branch out a bit and write some fictional stories? He had already written the greatest nonfiction book of all-time. So why the hell couldn't he conquer the other category as well? It seemed downright silly not to try.
But what kind of fiction could he write? Horror? No. There was something very disturbing about the creator of all things writing about creatures eating human flesh. Romance? Not a good idea either. The only thing the ladies liked reading about these days were super erotic stories where the guys all have 10-inchers. Obviously, God wasn't ok with that. Comedy? No, this was God's only weak spot. Let's face it, even nonfiction books have a little humor scattered around them, and in no way was The Bible a laugh-riot, not even one little verse.
After sitting around his keyboard for a whole minute(after all, God is a very fast thinker) he finally figured it out! The world wouldn't see this coming at all. Not only did he have the greatest mind the Universe will ever know, but he would also have the elimate of surprise on his side with his choice. The critics would eat it up with a spoon, and the public would make it a best seller for sure!
God grabbed his morning coffee and began to pick threw all of the major newspapers. He had the Washington Post, The New York Times, The Pittsburgh Gazette..etc..etc. He immediately flipped to the book reviews. What he saw next made him spit out his coffee further than anyone had ever spit out their coffee before(God does things to the extreme, always!). From the New York Post: "The Bible II is a tragedy. Not only has God sold out, but he's made, quite possibly, the worst book ever written". Well, can't please everyone, he thought. The Washington Post wasn't happy either. God had never heard of the word "Craptacular" before, but he knew it couldn't be good. After all, the word "Crap" generally wasn't associated with works of art.
Not only did the book receive scathing reviews, but the public hated it as well. It initially sold well in it's first week, due to high expectations. But it quickly sunk and was considered the biggest literary dissapointment of all time. He looked at the complete best-seller list and cringed when he noticed that Bill Clinton, Ann Coulter, and Danielle Steele were all selling 6 times the amount he was.
What was wrong with people? Where did he go wrong? He thought about it for a while and threw up his hands, coming to only one conclusion; Maybe the world just wasn't ready for a new set of Encyclopedia Brown stories. Not to worry. One day, they would be.
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