Predictions of more audience retching from tonight's show.Lianne George: Oh, the humanity! First they make us sit through those stomach-churning, tear-soaked family reunions; then they have the gall to boot off Christy of all people. Poor ill-used, potty-mouthed Christy. At least she managed to get in an eloquent and venomous parting threat: "I am so pissed off! I am going to make sure those freaking evil stepsisters of mine are not going to win a million dollars!" Although when you consider who Christy and the rest of the jury have to choose from as alternatives, "Sticks and Twigs" actually don't look half bad. Rob is clearly a megalomaniac; Matt is liable to kill someone with that kind of money; and Butch, well, he's proven himself too boring to even appear in most episodes.
Scott Feschuk: Yes, I loved the bit where Butch got all liquored up, prompting Rob to remark of the school principal: "He just got crazy!" Alas, "crazy" was in this case defined as a) over enunciating a few words, and b) passing out. Butch, you zany bastard! I have to tell you, though, Lianne: Christy deserved to get popped. She proved to be an appalling strategist, fancying herself the Queen of the Amazon ("I have the power!") and then strolling off to tribal council without an alliance in place ("I'm still thinking about it"). Sheesh. What's sign language for "inexplicably arrogant" anyway? That said, I'm glad she's pissed. It's been too long since the final tribal council included a genuinely cheesed-off participant. We can only hope that Christy got to work on her Amazonian metaphors so her spiel could rival Susan's rat-snake diatribe from the first Survivor.
Lianne: I know, I know. You're right about Christy. Maybe I'm being overly generous with her because I was really gunning for Jenna's torch to be snuffed. Mostly because I'm afraid we won't see the end of her if she wins the million dollars. It'll be Jenna on Entertainment Tonight; Jenna in infomercials with Daisy Fuentes; Jenna hosting season two of Monica Lewinsky's dating show. On a somewhat related note, here's something that's been bothering me all season: What exactly is a bathing suit model? I didn't realize there are models who are expert at wearing particular garments. Have models become specialists like doctors? Are there pant models and sweater-vest models, too? Getting down to it, Scott, what are your big predictions for tonight?
Scott: Well, I've got a strong feeling that I'm going to retch if I have to see Rob in that Speedo again. And I'd can only assume that, given the thrilling game of shuffleboard that decided immunity last week, Survivor's producers will continue with the retirement-villa theme and set the contestants against each other in a vicious game of canasta. Apart from that, I feel I can safely prognosticate that if Rob doesn't make it to the final four, Sunday's finale will be the most boring two hours of television not to feature Rex Murphy. Rob is an idiot, but he's our idiot, dammit. Question: When he told his Mom last week that "I've been really bad," didn't you get the sense he was really hoping for a spanking?
Lianne: And why not? He's obviously not going to get one from Heidi or Jenna. I have to admit, at this point, I'm really hoping the bikini twins make it to the final four. It'll be great fun to see who will sell out whom first (or, as Heidi would say, who will "cuss out" whom). Someone's got to tell her to give the martyr routine a rest. "Rob, you don't care about personal relationships," she says, with one hand plunging a machete into Christy's back. And you're right, if Rob gets kicked off tonight, it would be a tragedy. Sure, he's been called a snake, a slimeball and a slimy snakeball, but he's the reason this season was so entertaining. His corny sexual innuendo, his tortured karaoke, his very own bathing suit modeling stint: all of that has got to be worth a million bucks.
Scott: Not to mention his erudite commentary, such as the time he said that being forced to live with Jenna and Heidi was like hanging out with two ex-girlfriends. Or, you know, so he heard. From a friend. Who's actually dated, like, girls and stuff. Still, like you Lianne, I hope the cute little girls with the cute little bodies make the finale: First, it will give us all the opportunity to witness first-hand the moment at which Heidi's boobs officially weigh more than the rest of her. Plus, I look forward to more of Heidi's singular brand of insight. Last week, you may recall, she adopted the countenance of Albert Einstein at the precise moment of Eureka! and breathlessly informed everyone: "This is not real life. This is a game." It took her 32 days, but I knew she'd finally spot those cameras.
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