LAST EDITED ON 09-22-11 AT 07:42 PM (EST)

** OFFICIAL REALITYTVWORLD EPISODE SUMMARY **

Episode 1 - Survivor: South Pacific

We open in Les Moonves’ office. It’s time for the annual budget-slashing review process and each of the CBS network’s executive producers are there. It’s now Mark Burnett's turn to be called upon the carpet.

LES: Mark. Your show is too expensive. We gotta go to a cheap location, and make other cutbacks. Any ideas?

MARK: Well, we still have some stuff stashed away in Samoa, stuff that we abandoned because of the earthquake that hit the last time we were there. I guess we could go back there.

LES: Okay. Contestants?

MARK: I’ll bring in some big names. Maybe we can pull in some viewers because of name recognition, like we did with Jimmy Johnson and Gary Hawkins.

LES: We’re not paying anyone to appear on the show this time around. And? Please. No Russhole this time.

MARK: Got it. I do have an idea…

... aaaaand we fast forward to September 14th, 2011.

We see the two tribes, Savant and uLOLu, paddling in canoes toward the Samoan island – with all the budget cutbacks, it wouldn't surprise me at all if they have been paddling across the ocean all the way from Los Angeles. There’s plenty of star power here to go along with two returning ‘Survivor’ stars. Let’s meet some of these famous people:

Jim Rice, baseball legend . . . . . . . . . . John Cochran, famed lawyer

Rock-n-roller Ricky Nelson. . . . . . . . . . A retired NYPD cop named Caruso

Jiffy’s excitement is palpable at the prospect of all these big name stars appearing on ‘Survivor’ and he gets to host them!

JIFFY: Welcome! You’re now all on ‘Survivor’!

Tribes cheer.

JIFFY: So. Before we start, I’m wondering if I could get some autographs? I’m a big baseball fan. Where’s Jim?

JIM: What? I don’t have any pot on me.

JIFFY: No, no, no. I just want an autograph.

JIM: Um, okay.

JIFFY: Thanks! But I thought you’d be African American. You didn’t have the same skin-bleaching procedure as Michael Jackson did?

JIM: I’m not that Jim Rice. I’m just some dude with the same name.

RICK: Me too. I’m Rick Nelson and I don’t sing.

JOHN: I’m just a law student. Call me Cochran so I’ll know that I’m your favourite.

JIFFY: A legend in your own mind, already. Burnett, what’s going on?

MARK BURNETT comes out of the bushes and whispers to Jiffy, “Oh, by the way, we didn’t have any money to bring in anyone famous, so we just picked out some namesakes for this season. My bad, should have mentioned it earlier.”

JIFFY: Well. I’ve been had.

RICK: Would you like me to hum the words to “Poor Little Fool”?

JIFFY: Shut up.

JIFFY: Anyway. Let’s get on with the game. See that helicopter? It’s bringing in two more losers who have no life whatsoever, so they’re looking for redemption by trying to win for the umpteenth appearance. For the love of god, let them win or I’m going to be stuck with them yet again in a future season!

EDNA: Whew. It can’t be Russhole then, because he’s got no chance of ever winning this game.

HITLER’S NEPHEW: If you say so. I don’t know who this Russhole guy is.
(in confessional) I’m Hitler’s nephew, so as a consequence I will never, ever tell them my real last name, maybe I’ll go as Brandon Stuart-Houston.

You can bet that Hitler’s nephew will be spilling the details on his real name very soon – it’s ‘Survivor’ law, book it. And he's a Hantz, his ego will get in the way eventually.

The helicopter lands and here comes two alleged “fan favourites”, Coachebag and Ozzy. Golf claps for Coachebag and wild cheers with girls frantically pulling at their clothes for Ozzy. Christine comments that it’s Ozzy and the “Dragon Warrior” which, of course, sends Coachebag into an apoplectic fit, screaming in confessional that it’s DRAGON SLAYER, dammit, and he’s here to win with honour and integrity and all that brak brak. Christine adds that they’re “temporary players” and wins the newly-christened Francheesa Memorial Foot-in-the-Mouth™ Award. You could see other tribemates literally taking an extra step away from her after she said that.

After a world-class tongue-bathing from Cochran over how super and pant-worthy the returnees are, Jiffy hands over a couple of eggs (I said 'eggs', not 'egos') to Coachebag and Ozzy to find out which tribe they’ll be joining. Ozzy gets right to the point and smashes his egg onto his chest to find out that he’ll be joining the Savant tribe, while Coachebag gingerly squeezes his and holds his hand out, fingers blue to indicate he’s going to Ulolu. What the hell, Coachebag gotta keep his jacket pristine for when he goes to Tribal Council to get booted and also for when he needs to slay a dragon or two. Survivor schmvivor, image is everything, you know.

Jiffy announces that there will be a reward challenge on the spot, pitting Coachebag against Ozzy mano-a-mano. They’ve got to climb a 12-foot pole (in honour of Ozzy’s manhood – it’s out there on the Internet if you know where to look) and retrieve a turtle from the top (in honour of Coach’s over-the-top turtling on the ground after stepping off that between-the-walls IC in Tocantins), then crawl under a log (which, naturally, favours the smaller, lizard-like Ozzy), then transfer a Tower of Hanoi pyramid puzzle from one table to another while moving only one piece at a time and NO! BIG! PIECES! ON! TOP! OF! A! SMALLER! ONE! (Nice to see Jiffy’s really gung-ho about the rules for a change.) Prize is a basket of taro to munch on and some flint to make a fire with. Of course, Ozzy flew through this course and both he and Coachebag needed help from their tribes to figure out the Tower of Hanoi puzzle – not exactly a surprise there, considering the mental acumen of these gentlemen. Ozzy wins it in the end for the Savants. Coachebag’s tribe gives him the cold shoulder on the way back to their camp, all except Edna who takes pity and walks to camp with him.

The Savants arrive at their camp and introduce each other. Semhar-har gives a virtuoso spoken-word performance. Ozzy is mesmerized by her, um, assets and declares the Savants to be the best tribe ever, and they celebrate by going for a swim instead of doing something sane, like, you know, setting up accommodations. Ozzy, naturally, is the first to jump right into the ocean. Papa Bear follows right behind, remembering at the last minute to cover up the boner he’s sporting after seeing Ozzy all wet and wild in the water. Cochran goes into meltdown mode over having to strip down to his skivvies, commenting that he looks more like a pathetic twerp with translucent skin than he already does with his clothes on. So, naturally he turns himself into a desperate attention whore by taking so long to get ready and then ending up being the center of attention with his sashaying into the water! It’s Survivor, he’s (allegedly) a super-fan and what did he think people usually did upon arriving at a beach?

Over at Ulolu, Coachebag begs for mercy for his epic fail in the challenge from his cold, unfeeling tribemates. The tribe discusses what they do for a living. Sophie reveals she just graduated three days ago with a degree in Russian. Coachebag’s ears perk up and he sees an opportunity to make a new (and only?) friend.

COACH: Вы говорите Россия? Я убил дракона. Вы похожи на дракона, так могу ли я убить тебя? (You speak Russian? I slay dragons. Your face is scary and you look like a dragon, so may I slay you?)

SOPHIE: Я вас понимаю прекрасно. Идиот. (I understand you perfectly. Idiot.)

COACH: Ах, все в порядке. Гм, я вижу, тебя зовут Софи, чтобы вы не случилось, чтобы принести банан как предмет роскоши? Зеленая фея? Кармен? (Ahh, okay. Umm, I see your name is Sophie so you didn't happen to bring a banana as a luxury item? Green fairy? Carmen?)
{don’t mind my tangent here, that’s a little inside joke over on OT}

SOPHIE: Что? Какая разница. Вы хотели бы умереть? (What? Whatever. Would you like to die?)

COACH: Извините. Давайте просто работать на жилье. (Sorry. Let’s just work on the shelter.)

The Ulolu tribe starts to build their shelter and Coachebag does his thing – coaching everyone on how to get things done. Christine abruptly takes off to do some idol searching as she says she’s a fan of ‘Survivor’ and knows there’s likely an idol hidden around camp. Albert makes sure everyone knows what she’s up to. If she really has watched ‘Survivor’ as she says she has, she’d know that she just put a massive target on her back.

While the tribe is working on the shelter, Coachebag asks Hitler’s Nephew about his ‘loco’ tattoo on the neck. Nephew says he’s ashamed of the tattoo now because he no longer bullies people like certain relatives did. Umm, he does know that it’s possible to have tattoos touched up, right?

Coachebag then points out Mikayla to Nephew and comments she’s pretty. Nephew says that she is the evil temptress, Delilah, and he won’t tap that, how dare she flaunt herself like that? As Mikayla climbs onto a tree to start covering the shelter with palm fronds, Nephew goes into full-on stalker mode. Yes, complete with the creepy peeping through the bush and hiding behind tree branches, gawking up at Mikayla all bent over and actually… working. Nephew remarks that he doesn’t feel comfortable around Mikayla without her burqua on – I can see how a girl who’s dressed appropriately in a girl-next-door sort of way and is working really hard around camp needs to be struck down by lightning. That harlot, does she not know that it’s Survivor tradition to behave like a tramp and be a prima donna by sitting around camp all day, a la Natalie and Ashley from last season?

Yet, at the same time it is okay for a 19-year-old to have multiple tattoos and have a child out of wedlock. No temptation there, sirree. Newsflash, ladies and gentlemen, Russhole is starting to look rather respectable by now – he’s not the black sheep of the family, after all. Hands up if you now feel more comfortable being around Russhole than around Nephew.

(Credit goes to django over on Sucks)

Meanwhile, Coachebag has done the near-impossible. He’s managed to somehow get four people to buy into his B.S. and join together as an alliance – Coach-Lite (Albert), Nephew, Not-that-Rick, and Sophie. Interesting to note that the one person who comforted Coachebag after his massive fail in the challenge earlier, Edna, isn’t a part of this alliance. Coachebag makes a point of it to note, "First day alliances are the most solid. You've seen it time and time again." Let me remind you, Coach, that alliances revealed don't succeed, either. Good luck.

The next morning, after Bob Marley (Ozzy, as christened by Dawn) decided that the shelter wasn't a priority the previous day, Dawn wakes up super-grumpy without her morning cup of coffee and goes into major meltdown mode. Instead of being the doting mom of 6 who takes care of her kids' needs in the morning, she's now throwing a tantrum like one of her kids. She accidentally spills a pot of boiling water over the fire and then had to hear Semhar-har's spoken-word performance du jour after a tree vine gave out while she was swinging on it:

Dawn, Dawn
Dawn of the Jungle,
Strong as she can be.
(Ahhhhhhhh)
Watch out for that tree.

Thud. Full meltdown mode officially in effect. Bob Marley and Papa Bear take turns babysitting Dawn. After a while, the Savant tribemates start to grate on each other, so Bob Marley decides it's time to get the shelter put together. Mr. Cochran spends his time learning how to chop coconuts while most of the others build the shelter, which didn't go unnoticed by Bob Marley.

Over in the Ulolu camp, Hitler's Nephew notes that his uncle Russhole had a crappy social game, so he didn't want to be like him and decided he'd go get some fish for the tribe. He vows to never take his shirt off because he has two "Hantz" tattoos on him -- that's going to be a significant problem as he'll have trouble remembering his name if he keeps his shirt on. Breathlessly, he brings his first fish back to the tribe, a 2-incher, and the whole tribe hopped up and down while fanning themselves in excitement. Sophie comments that she's feeling pretty good about her new alliance but is convinced that Hitler's Nephew is hiding something.

It's time for the immunity challenge!

Each tribe are to run through a zig-zag pathway, go through a net of coconuts, get all their tribe members over a wall, dig up a machete, chop some ropes to release a big bin of coconuts and then shoot the coconuts into a basket in order to release the tribe's flag in order to win. Semhar-har gets confused over the directions, thinks she has to toss her coconuts in order to win so she immediately volunteers to shoot. Except it's the wrong kind of coconuts that has to be tossed into the basket... The tribe sees that she's African American and her coconuts bounce, therefore she must be able to shoot a basketball, so they let her.

Next time you see anyone volunteering to step up because they claim to have a special skill, run. Drop everything (even your keyboard) and run. It's 'Survivor 101'.

As a result of Semhar-har's misunderstanding, Ulolu wins after Mikayla aces almost all of her shots while Semhar-har gets tired of handling her coconuts. Ulolu wins immunity, a flint and is told a clue to the HII's location is back in their camp. Semhar-har feels "sort of bad" for the loss and apologizes for not realizing her coconuts are heavier than she thought. This "sort of bad" comment gets her in hot water with her tribe, particularly with Jim.

Back in the Ulolu camp, it's a free-for-all as each of the tribemates immediately scatter to search for the HII clue. True to her earlier words, Stacey completely whiffs on seeing the clue as she searched inside a hollow tree with the clue right there on a branch sticking out of the hole. Nobody ends up finding the clue right away.

Meanwhile, the fur's flying in the Savant camp. Semhar-har, Cochran, Jim, Dawn, Mark, Ozzy and Keith are all seen pointing the finger at each other. Cochran's paranoia starts to build.

At Tribal Council, Cochran implores Jiffy to not say the words "It's time to vote" and proceeds to spend two hours trying to convince the tribe to boot him. During the filibuster, Jiffy finally steps in and saves him by saying it's time to vote.

The vote:
Cochran
Semhar
Semhar
Semhar
Semhar
Semhar

Surprisingly, Cochran gets only one vote after endlessly annoying his tribemates, but our first person voted off is Semhar-har who goes ahead to Redemption Island as the designated first-boot patsy culled from the same Central Casting loony bin as other first boots such as Debb Eaton and Peter Harkey.

Thank you for your patience with this summary. Discovered that a wire had been cut on the street when the city dug up and repaved our street, and the TV connection has been spotty ever since. When I sat down to watch the premiere the next day, the closed captions only worked intermittently. I wasn't able to watch it online as I'm outside of CBS's viewing range and Youtube doesn't have it captioned, so ended up waiting for a co-worker to convert his PVR recording onto a dvd for me to watch. Just watched it this morning in full, and here we go with the summary.