Official Survivor Palau Episode 11 Summary: Ulong, Pagong, So What? So LongThis is strange…They’ve finally changed the formula. But I don’t know if I like these changes. That final TC set looks pretty weird. They normally try to keep them in the spirit of the locale, but this podium and microphone motif is boring, boring, boring. Poor Tom, this game really aged him. And why is he telling us about his gas? No wonder they put him in that stupid suit instead of parading him around shirtless. He used to look so good, but now. Oh please, stop telling us about your gas…
*phone rings*
Hello? ICB, what are you doing? I know we’re in different time zones, but hon, you KNOW not to call me when Survivor is on…What do you mean, it’s not on yet? I’m watching it right now!...Presidential news conference? Yeah, it does say that at the bottom of my screen. Geez, I knew that Tom was a strong leader, but I can’t believe CBS got him elected President…Bush is still president? Well, I knew he was desperate to get his approval rating up, but having Tom deliver speeches for him?...Oh. Thanks.
*hangs up phone, switches to cartoons for the rest of the hour*
Previously on Survivor…that’s more like it
It’s a Tribal Council of diva moments. As Stephanie sobs that she would do anything, even kill, to stay in the game, Janu has a scary realization that she might be the latest featured guest on CSI: Palau and decides to quit in a diva moment of her own.
What the Hell Was That?
Thank you, Ian, for summarizing the thoughts of many about last night’s Tribal Council. The major impact of Janu’s “I’m going to take my ball and go home” strategy is that the remaining players revert to kindergarten behavior. And, since we’re back to school, it’s time to take a quiz. For each question, choose all that apply.
1. Stephanie tells everyone that they knew she was going to get voted out. How do they respond?
a. They admit she’s right, since after all, she’s not stupid. Why not just be up front about it? She can’t do anything to stop it anyway.
b. Deny, deny, deny.
c. Give her a present. Make it something that looks valuable, but didn’t cost anything and really doesn’t have that much value.
2. What were Gregg’s thoughts on the previous Tribal Council?
a. We should have voted off Stephanie. That was The Plan.
b. We should have voted off Stephanie. That was The Plan.
c. We should have voted off Stephanie. That was The Plan.
3. Who’s going to be voted out at the next TC?
a. Stephenie.
b. Stephenie. Duh.
c. Tom. Naw, I’m just kidding, it’s Steph.
4. What should Stephanie’s strategy be at this point in the game?
a. Talk to Katie. She’ll tell her what’s going on, since she can’t keep her mouth shut.
b. Talk to Tom. He’ll respect her strength and look out for her.
c. Practice her final words and start thinking about her jury question.
5. Tom says that he’s two votes away from going home himself. What should he do to improve his own standing in the game?
a. Win every damn immunity challenge there is.
b. Promise everyone, including Jeff Probst, that he’ll take them to the final 2.
c. Remind these folks that if it weren’t for his strength, Koror may have actually lost an immunity challenge, and they shouldn’t penalize him for putting himself out there for their sakes.
d. Remind his teammates that the strongest player has never won Survivor, because he’s always been voted out at some point.
6. After Tom makes his speech to his teammates, Gregg and his harem (Jenn, Katie, and Ian) think about Tom’s words. What is the group consensus?
a. Tom’s right. We owe him for doing so much for the tribe.
b. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
c. Remind Tom there’s a reason the strongest has never won Survivor – because he’s been voted out, dumbass!
d. Let’s consult The Plan and figure out whether or not Tom’s future in this game is foretold.
7. Katie is thinking about switching her alliance right now. What should she do?
a. She should get in an alliance with the women – after all, there are four women and three men.
b. See if someone’s caught any fish lately…or gotten a clam…or opened a coconut.
c. Just stay the sweet, charming, darling asset to the tribe that she’s shown herself to be, and she’ll get into the final two and charm the jury into giving her a million dollars.
We Interrupt Survivor To Bring You Some Emotion
Katie reads the treemail and is excited when it makes her think about food. Everything makes her think about food.
When the tribe arrives for the reward challenge, Jiffy has been replaced by Monty Hall, who informs they that they each have $500 in their wallets to spend on fabulous prizes. But (ooh, a twist, hold me back), they can’t see what they’d bidding on, so they have to be willing to take a chance.
*cue Barry Manilow song* No. Wait. Not even I am that cruel.
Jenn is the first to win, and she’s rewarded with a hot fudge sundae. During the second auction, we see small alliances forming, as Gregg and Ian pool money. Caryn and Steph decide to join forces to bid against them. Once the women win, they are given a choice – they have 5 seconds to decide whether they want what’s under pot #1 or whether they would like to trade. Caryn, not surprisingly, just looks lost and flustered as well more than 5 seconds ticks by. Steph takes charge and shoves Caryn’s face in the cover, “Smell it! Smell it!” Since Caryn has not had an original thought since coming to Palau, she obeys, but still looks lost and flustered as well more than 5 seconds ticks by. Finally, Steph makes a decision and chooses the trade. Monty Hall tells them that they bought cheese and crackers but traded for a cheeseburger with fries. Steph tells Caryn that this is a good trade, and the two enjoy their food.
Katie and Jenn try the pairing up against strategy, but hearing two women beg has no effect on Ian, who is more enticed by Gregg’s interest in a bite. Once Ian’s outbid the ladies, Monty offers him a box if he’s interested in a trade. Ian refuses and sees that he didn’t get the live crabs (the joke is too easy, folks). When he realizes he’s won spaghetti, meatballs, and garlic bread, he hugs Monty, yelling, “Smell it! Smell it!” Since everyone on Palau has been able to smell Ian for the past week, Monty passes out. Once he comes to, he tells Ian that he absolutely reeks. Ian responds to this by buying a cold beer and giving everyone an extra whiff of his armpits as he holds that bottle up and chugs it on down.
And now for something completely…the same, as we watch the Survivors bid on letters from home. Tom wins, and as he opens his packet for a quick peek, shows his tribemates the handprint drawn by his son. BTW, his son is 23. Monty then offers the others the chance to buy their letters for the same low, low price that Tom just paid, and a number of them jump at the chance.
This sets up our Very Special Moment. Since the families and friends of the other contestants are illiterate cretins with poor art skills, the only contestants’ letters we get to hear about are Stephenie’s.
8. Why are we seeing only Stephenie enjoying her letters?
a. Because the families and friends of the other contestants are illiterate cretins with poor art skills. Geez, people, how many times do I have to say it?
b. It is all about Stephenie. Stephenie, Stephenie, Stephenie
c. Stephenie’s contract stipulates that she gets to tell her story and cry in every episode.
d. See question 3.
e. Because bidding on letters was not part of The Plan, so the other contestants must be punished.
Bath Time
Ian decides that in honor of Jeff, he’ll take a bath. The rest of the tribe plots for the next thing that Jeff can request to be done in his honor. While bathing, Ian asks Gregg to wash his back.
bow bow chicka chicka bow bow
While the women may be hurt, suspicious, hungry (well, just Katie) while the guys bathe, Ian smiles and says, “I’m comfortable with my sexuality”. Then he asks Tom to check his neck for brown spots. Tom assures him that he would have no trouble washing his neck…if there were any spots, which there weren’t. Gee Tom, that might have been a more credible excuse if you hadn’t been staring in the other direction at the time.
Back on dry land, Caryn and Tom are talking. Tom wants to make sure the give are tight, and he’s bringing in Caryn to protect himself. The Caryn-bot wants to go as far as Tom think she can. Meanwhile, Tom’s expecting votes if he doesn’t win the IC.
9. How many votes will Tom receive at Tribal Council?
a. Enough to get voted out, since this group has to be smart enough to vote him out the first time he loses immunity.
b. The person who gets voted out will pitch a vote his way.
c. None. He’ll win immunity again.
d. None. Why start using logic now?
I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts
It’s Immunity Challenge time, so Tom lets Jiffy borrow the necklace for a few minutes. Meanwhile, Jiffy explains that the players should throw their coconuts at the tile board and try to break their designated color tiles to win the game. The contestants then all grab a coconut and get into a circle. Jiffy breaks it up and explains that they throw their coconuts at a board, not each other. Then he chastises Katie not to pick up any broken coconuts to eat.
Ian starts out the challenge by shaking his clean butt at Jiffy before breaking his tile. I could give you a complete play-by-play, but that would require a level of commitment I’m not prepared to make right now, so I’ll become a POW to avoid it. Anyway, the most interesting things that come out of the challenge are that some people broke other people’s tiles, and Jiffy nicknamed Steph “Jersey”. This also led to the most interesting post-Palau news, involving Jiffy and a groveling apology to his Survivor gal waiting at home. Oh, and Ian won the challenge when Tom knocked out Ian’s final tile.
Rainy Days and Scheming Always Bring Me Down
It’s raining, so the tribe stays under shelter. It would be so nice if it stopped raining so they could go get into the ocean, but they can’t do it now because they’d get wet. Apparently, the big speculation is how quickly peeps will break into small groups for scheming once they can get far enough away to plot without being overheard. Like NASCAR drivers waiting for the green flag, they’re just waiting for some sign that the rain is over and the plotting can begin. As if on cue, here’s a rainbow. And…they’re off!
10. Katie and Caryn go “looking for snails”. What are they really doing?
a. Discussing the possibility of a women’s alliance.
b. Having a competition to determine who is the most feeble member of Koror.
c. Um, looking for snails, hello?
d. Something even more heinous than looking for brown spots on Ian’s neck.
11. Caryn runs straight to Tom to tell him about the women’s alliance, and he’s wary about why she would tell him. Why did Caryn tell Tom?
a. So she could plot against Katie.
b. Because she knows that she and Tom are tight. I almost got through that one with a straight face.
c. Because he’s her only friend.
d. Because the Caryn-bot has been programmed to remain devoted to her master.
Tom tells Ian about the plot against the guys. And he tells two friends, and so on, and so on. For those of you scoring at home, Ian now talks to Katie.
12. Which of the following expresses Katie’s feelings about Ian’s information that he received from Tom who received it from Caryn who received it from Katie?
a. Caryn sucks.
b. She wants to convince Ian to vote out Tom. Oh, and Caryn sucks.
c. She’d go into more detail, but Caryn just wandered into the shower area. Did I mention Caryn sucks?
13. Caryn thinks she’s in trouble. Why would Caryn be in trouble?
a. Because she’s such a challenge threat. I was nowhere near getting through that one with a straight face.
b. Because nobody likes her, everybody hates her, guess she’ll go eat worms.
c. Something about a plan…
d. Because she was a tattletale. And we all know what happens to tattletales.
14. Why does Gregg want to vote out Stephenie?
a. Because it’s already too much of The Stephenie Show, when it’s supposed to be The Gregg Show.
b. Because she won’t put out.
c. Because it’s in The Plan.
d. Don’t mess with The Plan.
e. Gregg will be so pissed off if anyone messes with The Plan.
Our crack spoilers (no, not that kind of crack you perverts) have uncovered a draft of The Plan. Here is a copy of The Plan According To Gregg:
1. Vote out Stephenie.
2. Get some from Jenn.
3. Add another G to my name.
15. Stephenie says that if they’re smart, they’ll keep her instead of Tom. Is she right?
a. Let’s see…keep the girl whose one and only immunity challenge win was against another Ulong, or keep the guy who can beat anyone and everybody. Yeah, she’s right.
b. Who cares if she’s right? Behold The Plan. Worship The Plan. Kiss the feet of The Plan.
c. Nope, she’s too strong. Just because she doesn’t have a single original tribemate on the jury doesn’t mean she should be underestimated.
Yet Another Tribal Council For Stephenie
Time for the jury to arrive, and yes, that quitter is still on the jury. Frankly, I would have loved for her to be kept off the jury and watched Mark Burnett scramble to figure out how to resolve the 3-3 tie in the final jury vote. That would have been funny.
Jiffy: So Jersey, I have a tendency for hitting on attractive women from the show. Since I’m probably already in the doghouse back home, can I just ogle you for a little while longer while we prolong your stay in the game?
Steph: Sure. And I’ll say all of the happy perky stuff about how what a wonderful tribe this is so that you have some filler for use in editing, in an effort to create some suspense.
Jiffy: Caryn-bot, when did the intensity build up? And can you actually answer this question without consulting with Tom first?
Caryn: After the last tribal council, it picked up. Tom told me it did. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it’s me tonight, since Tom told me that would be an interesting comment to get me some face time.
Jiffy: Tom, you let everyone know that you could break them like twigs. Did you really mean to let this group of wusses know you could make them look like even bigger idiots than they already look like?
Tom: I had to show my hand so that these morons wouldn’t lose challenges. C’mon guys, stop laughing, Ulong might have lucked their way into a victory or two if I hadn’t made an effort. Really. But I made my choice, and I’ll live with those consequences.
Jiffy: Ian, do you want to give up the immunity necklace?
Ian: Well, I’ll have to check with Tom, but I think he’ll let me wear it for now.
Time for the vote. Anyone want to change their answer on who’s getting the boot? Didn’t think so.
Jiffy: First vote, Caryn. Now that the shabby attempt at suspense is over, Jersey, bring me your torch, and I’ll give you my hut key. And for the rest of you, the happy family is getting a divorce, so be prepared to fight over the china.
"If there was ever a time you wanted permission to run over a clown . . . ."
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