Official SurvivorBlows Summary Warning! The following summary WILL most likely offend you. Heck, it even offends me. All I ask is that you keep the argument off the board. Look up at the top of this post. See that little e-mail icon beside my name? Click that and send me a note that says, "Go to Hell, Superman." I can take it. Better yet, just read it and take it with a grain of salt. Thanks.
Without further ado, I give you the Finale Summary.
The Fifth Member of The Final Four or The Post that got Superman Banned.
Survivor on a Sunday? Coincidence? I think not.
Superman is sitting around thinking to himself that he probably should have watched some of the previous Survivor episodes since he agreed to write the finale, when..
*ring, ring*
"Hello?"
"Hello. Could I speak to Superman?"
"Speaking."
"Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to come up and watch the Survivor Finale with Me."
"Who is this?"
"The Fifth Member of The Final Four."
"Sean?"
"No."
"This isn't...oh, Jesus."
"Exactly."
Previously on Survivor..
Brother Sean wins a car and praises the Lord that it wasn't a God-awful Pontiac Aztec. Chatty Kathy wins immunity in deja vu Famie fashion. And Brother Sean gets La boot. See ya on the Jury, Bra.
"Well, sure. How do I get there?" "I'd assume you'd fly. Take the second star to the right, then straight on 'til 7:45 p.m. EST"
"Funny, that. I thought that was how you get to Neverland."
"Copyright infringement. I thought about suing, but you know Dad. It would have Eisner in a frenzy. There's that whole "chosen people" thing."
"Ok, be there in a few."
Heaven's Gate
*Superman knocks*
Superman(singing to himself): Knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door..
Jesus: It's open!
The place is breathtaking. Gold laden streets, mansions on every corner, nice pink flamingos. Odd thing, though, you could hear a pin drop. The place is utterly empty.
Superman: You're a lot younger looking that I though you'd be, sir.
Jesus.: Thanks, I moisturize.
*Jesus squirts a bit of Oil of Olay into the palm of his hand. A small amount of it drips through the hole in his palm and falls on to his sandle. Superman suppresses a giggle*
Jesus:And call me J.C.
Superman: Thanks, that'll make typing this summary a bit easier. Say, why's the place so empty?
J.C.(sliding a Bible across the coffee table): You ever read this thing? It's impossible to get in here.
Superman: You mean...I'm not getting into Heaven?
*J.C. and Superman laugh heartily at the absurdity of the notion.*
Jesus(wiping tear): Stop! You're killing me!
Superman: It wouldn't be your first time!
*J.C. and Superman roll around the floor laughing*
Superman: So, seriously, why the interest in Survivor?
J.C.: Two words, my boy: Public Relations. I haven't gotten this much recognition since September 11th. Those two black kids on the show shout my name every other word! It's great!
Superman: Ah..and I'm here because...
J.C.: You're writing the finale summary, right?
Superman: Ah..so you read the board, eh?
J.C.: Nah, Dad's still got a dial-up. Can you imagine? I just thought that you could, y'know..give me a shout out or something.
Superman: Consider it done. Say, the show's starting, got any snacks?
J.C. Let's see here...we've got loaves...fishes...manna & honey ...oh, wait, wait..here's some water. Give me a minute and I'll whip you up a nice Chardonney. Shhhh...the show's starting...
Recrap..
Recrap?! But why?! Don't insult me by saying that I haven't been paying attention, MB. I mean...wait, there's Sarah...ummmm...what, was I saying..Oh, yeah. Recraps suck!
Rosie??
Rosie's on the stage with Susan Hawk. All we need now is Penny Marshall and we could have together the three most annoying women in the world.
Back in the now.
Pappy's feeling ugly and skanky. Newsflash Pappy: You are ugly and skanky. You're old too. And you probably smell like pee.
Kathy and Neleh sing and scream on the beach. Trouble is you can't really tell which is the screaming and which is the singing. Kathy puts a rock on her head and begins praying to false prophets.
J.C.: *Gasp!*
All of America wishes that the rock on her head was a boulder.
Vee claims that she is the only one who is going to have to work these last few days. Well, Vee, you should be pretty rested up, because you haven't done a damn thing up to this point.
Tree Mail!
Sixteen have come,
four are left. (Side note: Math is power, kids.)
We hope you've paid attention
to their hopes, dreams, date of birth, social security numbers, home phone, bitches, moans, whines, complaints, shoe sizes, mother's maiden name, and the radius of their nipples,
*deep inhale*
it's immunity for retention.
The tribe compares notes, except for Vee, who is wisely stingy with her info. She's got a whole book of stuff on the other folks and she studies it as religously as she does everything else.
Pappy says he feels great about his chances at the immunity challenge, which is a tell-tale sign that Pappy isn't going to win immunity.
*Snickers commercial*
J.C.: Oh! Oh! I love these commercials!Superman: So, J.C., who are you pulling for here?
J.C.: Well, originally I was a big John fan...
Superman: Wait..John? You know he's...
J.C.: What? Gay? So?! Oh! I get it, that whole Soddom & Gommorah thing. Look, it never happened. Dad did the copy-edits on that story and he threw that in. He's such a 'phobe.
Superman: Wow..
J.C.: I mean, really, a pillar of salt? Gimme a break, I can be more creative than that! I woulda changed her into a duck-billed platypus or somethin'.
Immunity Challenge/T.C.
Two words, my friends, two words: Sean's Afro. Was anyone else looking for the pick sticking out of it? Ok, step away from that mental image...now.
Jeff explains that this is the same boring, overdone, IC challenge that they do every freakin' year. Ten points to win, blah, blah, ho hum..
I'm not going to tell you all the questions, just focus on the amusing ones.
Question: What is Sean's girlfriend's name?
Funny: Ingrid.
Even Funnier: Sean apparently, willingly tells people that.
Question: Who was Watermelon Queen?
Funny: Gina isn't ashamed to admit that.
Even Funnier: Big Tom runs in and answers "Sean."
Question: What's Tammy's fiance's name?
Funny: Someone is crazy enough to marry Tammy.
Even Funnier: It's shakes!
Ok, Vee wins. An argument ensues over how the vote will go. Kathy and Vee discuss aloud how they will vote after J.P. (not to be confused with J.C. who's half asleep on the couch right now) flat out denies Kathy private time with Vee. Kathy says they should vote for Pap 'cause he's old, weak, and smells like pee.
Pappy: Don't decide for me, Sean...I mean, Kathy.
Anyone else notice how bitchy and cranky Pappy has been at T.C. lately. I think it's time we start looking into nursing homes.
Anyway, there is an inevitable tie vote between Neleh and Kathy. Everyone gets to argue their points and attempt to reach a unanimous decision.
Neleh: Love, love, love.
Kathy: Work, work, work.
Pappy: Integrity, morals, character.
Vee: Screw it. I'm going with Christ...oh, and Kathy.
..and instead of going to normal previous vote procedures, MB once again flaunts his hatred for the FCC by using a new method to break the tie.
*Dramatic Fanfare!*
Rocks in a sack..
That's right folks..rocks in a sack. John drools over the sexual innuendo as Kathy, Neleh, and Pappy massage the sack and get the rocks off.
Pappy gets the purple rock. He falls down, again. His torch is snuffed. D'oh!
Pappy's final words: I'm a judge, now I'm on a jury. How ironic! (And then he breaks off a few verses of that Alannis Morrisette song)
Superman: Know who I miss? Sarah. Mmmmm...J.C.: The body is a temple, my son, not a playground. She thinks she's dad's gift to mankind. Pure ho'.
Superman: Yeah....Mmmmm..
Jeff wakes the tribe. They all have coffee and danish and read the morning paper. Then Jeff tells them that they have to build a canoe, paddle to the beach, tattoo themselves, take a bath and then meet me for a big orgy over by an idol. He gives them a map, tells them to build a fire, tells them to leave in an hour, and kisses each of them on the forehead.
Kathy: I can't find the words to express how I feel about that place.
Funny, that. You had the words last episode. As I recall, you said it sucked, you hated it, you wish it would burn to the ground and sink into the ocean. I guess one loses words when they get up so early in the morning.
Vee leads the group in prayer.
J.C.: Oh! Here's a funny story: That prayer..I totally missed that one. I was out playing golf and she left it on my machine! I never check that thing..
Everybody except Vee gives themselves tattoos. No wait, Vee is giving herself some, you just can't see 'em. Somebody get that girl some white-out.
Vee: I'm here to enjoy this oddessy.
Thanks Vee. Personally, I'm here for the idiocy.
Kathy and Vee discuss how they're gonna trounce Marie Osmond over there and that they are so happy to be the final two.
Neleh: You haven't won yet you big meanies.
Neleh confessional: That was just bad sportsmanship. It's not at all bad sportmanship to go into in depth detail about how good you smell as opposed to everyone else, how full your belly is, or the whole mint thing.
On the walk to the idol, the tribe is greeted with everyone's torch. They pause in rememberance of each former tribemate. Vee kisses Sean's torch. Neleh kisses Pappy's torch. Kathy cries because nobody's torch wants to make out with her.
Superman: So, with all this good publicity Sean & Vee are giving you, are they gonna get into heaven?J.C.: Nah. I doubt it anyway. Maybe, I'll name one of those gold streets after them, though. How does, "The Ghetto" sound?
Superman: Dandy.
Rosie's on stage with Richard Hatch now. Looks as if he ran up and ate Susan whole. He's definitely gained some weight, because if you can stand next to Rosie and look heavy, then dude, you're fat.
The tribe enters a cleansing ritual. MB treats us with three chicks, wait, sorry Kathy, three ladies rubbing each other down with oil. Thanks, MB.
Vee: Prayer, Baptism, Last Rites.
*Jesus nudges Superman with his elbow* "Seee...that's my girl."
The girls put flowers in their hair, proving once and for all that Vee is not wearing extensions. They walk over and see Jeff.
Jeff: Mmmm..you ladies smell goooood. Now, come grab my pole.
Immunity Challenge
Vee hesitates to grab the pole in fear that this could be considered worshipping false idols, but she does anyway and will surely pray for forgiveness later. Everybody else hangs on too.
Four hours later, Neleh plays the old favorite, "Kathy your boobs are hanging out" card. And it works! Why? Kathy has had zero concern up to this point whether or not we could see her saggy tangerines in tube socks! Why does she care now?
Kathy does her best Pappy impression by limping and falling over to the side. Neleh and Vee cut a holy alliance and Neleh claims the necklace.
Tribal Council
J.P. tells the girls that Pappy's not here because he passed out. Plus, it's taking longer than expected to scrub the old man smell off of him.
John tells the tribe that Pappy is fine, just dehydrated and that they said a prayer *Jesus winks at Superman* and he'd be fine.
J.P. asks the girls how they handled the idol deal.
Kathy: I was praying *Jesus winks at Superman* and...and...I got to talk to my dead dad...I haven't done that in so long...
*Jesus giggles*Superman: What's so funny?
J.C. I totally faked her out by pretending to be her dad. Ha! I told her that she drove me crazy while I was alive and to shut up because I've finally found peace!
*Superman and Jesus share a hearty laugh*
Neleh votes for Kathy. Kathy's gone.
Kathy's final words: (Ok, to be honest, I didn't pay attention. Just go ahead and assume that they were filled with more boring, irritating pop-psychobabble)
Neleh and Vee sit around the fire sharing happiness and Oh My Hecks. Vee says she'll have to ask the Lord for forgiveness. J.C.: Psstt...I turned her down. And the girls say a prayer for Pappy.
The next morning Vee and Neleh are joined by the entire cast of Charlotte's Web, yet they make no attempt to catch and/or eat any of them. Mike Skupin groans aloud from the safety of his fireproof couch.
Neleh discovers her love of pyromania by burning everything in the camp. She starts a fire in Pappy's pants in a brand new way.
Vee: As Christ said on the cross, "It is finished."
J.C.: That's the only thing about those two...they always misquote me.Superman: Really? What did you say?
J.C.: Something to the effect of, "Damn, this hurts!
Neleh and Vee make their way to TC and we're treated to interviews with each of the jury.
Pappy: I think it's great that two Christian women are in the final two.
J.C.: Meee tooo..
Kathy: Man, I don't know what you're saying right now...jeez, I can't...somebody left, like, a whole bag of shrooms in my room last night...pretty, pretty colors.
Zoe: Girls kick ass! Yeah! I can't wait to get my hands on that Rosie! Woo!
Robert: Don't talk to me. I'm still pissed.
Sean: Race, Race, Race. Rant, Rant, Rant. Lie, Lie, Lie.
Tammy: I've actually fooled myself into believing that I have all the power again! Woo!
John: I can't stand that I have to pick between these two Bible thumpers! My abs look great.
Superman: You were there, right?J.C.: Yes, but I am everywhere, my son.
Superman: Oh! Kind of like The Streak in that Ray Stevens song.
J.C.: He's everywhere! He's everywhere!
Superman: Hee!
Rosie's back with Ethan and Tina. She asks 'em who is gonna win. They scream a rehearsed, "Neleh!" Thusly, ridding any doubt in anyones mind that Vee has it wrapped up.
Tribal Council
J.P.: How was your day?
Neleh: Good, I burned everything.
J.P.: Neat. How 'bout some opening statements?
Neleh: OMH! Blah, blah....Love....blah, blah...honestly...blah...blah...love...blah..sincerely...blah...love. Blah...honestly.
J.P.: Vee?
Vee: I live by the scripture, I play by the scripture. I eat the scripture. I shit the scripture. I came up in this piece with a strategy. My strategy was to make realtionships with everyone, not ride coattails, and speak with more made up words than Jesse Jackson and Don King could shake a stick at. I think I've played a righteously game. God bless you all (whisper: except the mormon girl.)
J.P.: Ok, Tammy.
Tammy: I was upfront about being a backstabbing, lying, bitch. You guys hid it, which makes me better than you. You made me feel bad in my special place. I hate you. Please die.
Sean: (Too much ghetto slang to interpret) Is there a moral message?
Neleh: Follow your heart.
Vee: Yeah, what she said.
Pappy: I'm not prepared really to ask questions, 'cause I was flat on my ass yesterday. You both deserve it and I wish you could both win. You'll be in my life forever, all of you will. Ok, maybe not all of you...heck, just Neleh.
General: I'm still pissed. Tell me a specific decision that you think will hurt you, no details.
Vee: Well, I think that when I did this...
General: I SAID NO DETAILS. I'm not what they call a "smart man". I can't comprehend your "big words"!
Vee: Ok, ok...what I did to Kathy yesterday.
Neleh: I'd take you and Zoe instead of Vee and Sean...ummm, sir.
(BTW, kudos to Neleh on that move. It didn't work, but hey, good thinking for once.)
Zoe: I like to work hard, and play hard! I do everything hard! That's what happens when you're born a hermaphrodite! Yeah! Somebody bring me Rosie!
Kathy asks some boring question I won't go into. The good part was at the end.
Vee: Did I answer your question?
Kathy: No, but after 39 days listening to your gibberish, I really don't care.
John: Straight up sistahs. I'm gonna play my honesty card here. Why should I vote for you?
Neleh says that the question sucks, shocking Mormon leadership worldwide. Then, both Neleh and Vee answer the question with the following bullshit, in no particualr order: "Love, honesty, truly, strategy, scripture, Jesus, Oh my heck."
The girls both make their final statements. For transcripts of those, please see their previous quote answering John's question.
The Vote
John vote's first. He attempts to extend his 15 minutes by refusing to leave the vote booth. He votes for Vee, just before being drug out of the booth by Probst. John yells out, "You go girl!" cementing his homosexuality in the mind of the world.
Pappy in what could possibly be the biggest shock of the show, votes for Neleh! Let's have a show of hands as to how many of us saw that coming.
Robert is voting. The camera pans to a big flame symbolizing the General's vote for John.
Sean proceeds to "represent" by begging for handouts from Vee if she does happen to win. He further "represents" by mentioning fried chicken and waffles. Then he mentions Dr. Evil and Christ, but not together. He votes Vee, which will henceforth be known as "Big shock #2".
Kathy's vote is not shown.
Tammy's vote is not shown.
Zoe votes for Neleh, writing, "Neleh is the Survivor." and she says, "Vee is not for victory, it's for vagina. Woo!"
J.P.: Screw you guys, I'm going home.
J.P. hops in a helicopter and flies toward N.Y. The helicopter is greeted by Zoe standing in the harbor holding a big torch...no..wait..that's the statue of liberty. Then they fly past the empire state building. And land on WTC rubble.
Jeff catches a cab. The driver is Dave Attell from Comedy Central's Insomnia. He asks for a receipt when he gets out. I guess Pappy DID max out his Visa.
J.P. makes his way to the stage. The part of Neleh will now be played by Brittany Spears. The crowd gives J.P. a standing ovation. Webby and Ayak jump up and down like elated schoolgirls.
The votes are read:
Vee
Vee
Neleh
Neleh
Neleh
Vee
....and the winner is...
Christ! No! It's Vee!
Vee does another stirring Pappy impersonation or perhaps she's just "filled with the spirit."
Neleh's torch is snuffed.
J.C.: Woohoo!
Rosie rides in on a motorcycle giving all new meaning to the term "fatboy."
*Jesus turns off the TV.*Superman: You don't want to watch the reunion show?
J.C.: Nah. Rosie makes me wanna puke.
Superman: Me too. Hey thanks for the invite, I guess I'll be going now. And sorry about your couch. I spilled some wine on it.
J.C.: What? Now how am I supposed to clean that up?
Superman: You can't clean that out? You're Jesus for God's sake!
Jesus: Oh..go to hell, Superman.
Criminals From the Neck Up
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(Courtesy of Strider 
|
- Dark Lotus
Swami
Thx for a great year.
....salutes her hero.....
Singin' in the bathtub...
ARRRRRRR!!!!