LAST EDITED ON 05-11-02 AT 01:19 PM (EST)Last time, on SURVIVOR - MARQUESAS...
Pappy demonstrated that he's the only one left in this game with fortitude and a brain as he figured out the smartest way to move a rock underwater and won the immunity challenge. Using Jiffy's credit card, he took Neleh to a secluded hotel on the edge of town and bought snails to eat from room service.
Neleh set a new benchmark in annoyance, as she shrieked, and broke the needle on the newly modified OMH counter. And that doesn't even count the half-dissolved mint she offered to her tribemates, and her newly-cleaned streaky hair.
In the IC, Robert proved that if nuclear winter set in, he could still survive by making fire and popping popcorn. After several MB red herrings, the obvious became clear - Tammy was voted out nearly unanimously at TC.
On to this week...
MB goes with the funky black and white... is he trying to be artsy? It's way too late for that - the corporate sponsors have seen to that. Anyway, we're treated to a storm coming in over this tropical paradise that this gang has defiled.
A torrential downpour makes Soliantu miserable as hell. Kathy tries to restart the fire, but there's a strange sound in the background... Wait! It's snoring? Someone should tell Neleh to get some of those nose strips! She's keeping everyone awake!
After the sun comes up, we get to hear everyone b!tch about missing friends and family. Oh, god, no! Not the dumb, predictable Internet cafe thing... Soliantu tries to put the heavy rubber raft on top of their fragile palm frond lean-to. Hmm... let's see... I can see their feeble attempts at waterproofing crushing everything they have, and I will laugh...
And, oh yeah, Sean almost falls off of a tree limb. He makes a hell of a nice save to keep from pulling a Skupkin. Rob is chopping wood diligenly, looking forward to making his rivals burn by sabotaging the taro root with acid!
Oh no, it's treemail! Pappy grabs the turtle, and makes a comment about being slow. No kidding!! This group has been moving like molasses in January! And, there's some lame doggerel about strategy. Strategy? They're screwed.
So, we cut to some trippy colors and hexagons on the beach. What are Jiffy and MB pulling this time? A totally different challenge? Probably not, but here's to hoping. We get an intro, and of course, there's going to be some tie-in to families, because of the confessionals. I'm getting ready to take a nap, because I don't want to see the stupid Internet cafe again. But, no! They brought the family members to them! And, they're going to do the challenge? For the "honor" of hanging out with the tribe in the middle of nowhere? Ha! I'd rather throw the challenge and get another night in the lodge!
So... here are the "loved ones" of our remaining media whores. As a side note, the Survivors were the product of meticulous screening and pidgeonholing by Evil Mark. In our brief glimpses of the "loved ones", they seem like better, smarter, and more interesting competitors than many of those already voted out! Hey, MB - just go to a subway station and grab 16 random people next time! It'll save our sanity and you a hell of a lot of money!
Neleh's mom - With gray hair (showing the strain of raising someone as annoying as Neleh), and flowers in her hair, she looks the perfect, smiling picture of a middle-aged lady spending her children's inheritance. Neleh disintegrates into a tearful wreck. Unfortunately, the water isn't enough to dissolve all of the sugar, so we still have to deal with her.
Kathy's son - With a build that can only have come from being a PlayStation veteran, he is already wondering what he got himself into. The first look of horror crossing his face is when he realizes that his mom isn't wearing a bra, and that she's lost about 20 pounds. More horrified realizations to follow.
The General's sister - Bespectacled and with a similar build, she and her brother are two peas in a pod. Maybe she's hiding both the tattoos and the voodoo doll, but the two of them could be a force for evil to be reckoned with.
Sean's buddy - We don't know whether or not he's from NY or LA, but Sean's friend seems very relaxed and pleasant, unlike Seannie Cochran himself.
Vee's husband - Of course, Vee totally breaks down when her husband rounds the corner, even after 5 minutes to prepare herself. A big dude with a ready smile shows Sean what he would be up against if he tries to "get his freak on" during the closing episodes.
Pappy's wife - A gracefully aging Southern Belle is all smiles and support. Our observant, articulate judge is bawling his eyes out. Guilt, maybe? He sure is keeping his distance from the Utah homewrecker, that's for sure...
So, the challenge begins. It consists of moving around the hex board. Once you step on a hex, you turn over the one you came from, transforming it from yellowish to green. You can't step on the green ones again. Once you can't move, you're out. There's a wild card hidden somewhere, allowing that person to vote another loved one out of the game.
The game progresses quickly, thanks to the magic of editing. Did anybody else wonder if MB brought in doubles of the "loved ones", too? Anyway, Pappy's wife is eliminated first - with a tearful hug and kiss. Soliantu's women are immediately there to console him. Hmmmm.... Mack Pappy?
Sean's bud is nearing elimination, but uncovers the wild card! In a commendable display of chivalry, he throws his hat in the air and lets fate decide. Maybe it wasn't fate, because Vee's husband is eliminated, followed by Sean's friend. I found it incredibly funny that Sean will roll through the crashing surf in the arms of a white, Southern judge, but will play it all cool with his best friend, and try not to hug him TOO hard, or cry at all. Hmmm.....
It's a close game, showing that the Survivor's families are more capable of strategic and rational thought than our attention-craving media-whores. By a single turn, the voodoo fails, and Kathy's son, Pat wins. In a potential repeat of Colby and his mom, Kathy jumps into her son's arms, wrapping her legs around him, yelling and screaming. Pat gets his first introduction into his mother's recent insanity.
Jiffy hides his laughing as he congratulates them, and sends Soliantu on its way.
Kathy says something about renewed energy. It seems to have only energized her mouth. It's going more non-stop than during Episode 1! Pat tries to assure his mom that he hasn't been using the house to party, but his beer gut (and Sean's persistence) betrays him.
Pappy has a great soliloquy. He's the articulate one in the crowd, and it's apparent that MB is using him as the high-minded narrator. Great. We don't like high-minded here at SB. So, moving on...
In the end, everybody enjoys this reward, because they force Pat to do almost all the work around the camp! Pat prefers his TV & couch, which is obvious - he's not doing too well with taro, coconuts or wood. The look in his eyes says "Those other 5 b@$tards are back at the lodge chowing on the buffet! I'm digging up roots and working my @$$ off in the rain!"
Kathy drags her son off to "get water", but really she wants to talk strategy. Her game plan is sound, and her realization of being screwed is also right on. Unlike other contestants (ahem, Amber), Kathy realizes that she's done for unless she can break up the two two-person alliances. Pat, who's mental processes seem more oriented towards getting the sophomore girls over to the house to rain mom's beer stash looks terrified, and then looks straight at the ground, refusing to make eye contact with Kathy.
You can see that he's horrified at the realization that his chatterbox real-estate selling mother has become PURE EVIL, and that he's going to be talked about on websites all over the world!
Cut to a scene of the next morning. Kathy is taking her conjugal visit seriously by spooning with Pat on the raft. Folks, you aren't Sarah and the Robfather. Sorry. Somewhere, Colby is very happy that you unseated him for "most uncomfortable moment made in Survivor". We get MB's mournful piano music and a tearful goodbye. Kathy's "You look good!" is probably the lamest goodbye in TV/film history. It sure isn't "Here's looking at you, kid." or even "The Force will be with you, always."
We get back to the game. Plotting ensues in a big way, but is it MB's red herring? Kathy and Rob look like they're hatching a plot to break up the father/daughter alliance, while Sean and Vee gripe about America's Sweetheart. Kathy's plan would be right up there with Richard Hatch's initial allliance strategy if she can pull it off, but the chances on that are about the same as War Emblem winning the Kentucky Derby.
With everyone complaining about Neleh, it looks like a sure sign that she's going to get immunity.
On to the IC - it's the slingshot one, but this time, you break tiles and cover your opponents' idols with sand. Quickly, the Survivors figure out that if you break the lowest tile, it will eliminate your competition.
Fast forward - Paschal is eliminated by the General, Sean is out by Kathy, General is eliminated by Vee.
Energized by her "conjugal visit", Kathy does the most incredibly stupid dance I've ever seen since my junior formal at the Academy - and Kathy couldn't even blame it on liquor or a dress with too many sequins. Yeeowch!
After emptying my stomach of its contents, I returned to find out what happened. There was a strange screeching from the TV, and I thought that Neleh had (predictably) won. But, no! Vee is screaming "Praise Jesus!" at the top of her lungs. Hmmmm, will Kathy's scheme work?
Upon the return to camp, we see a dessicated skull with yellow teeth. Does it mean that those with poor hygiene lose? Or, just that the cannibalism is about to begin? Who knows? I'm awful with symbolism.
So, on to Tribal Council. Jiffy tells them to talk about gamesmanship. Kathy talks about keeping masks on until the end. Vee says that there are still trump cards out there (is this a euchre game or what?). The General is conciliatory and nice towards Vee. Both Sean and Paschal talk about Neleh - with Paschal being much nicer than Sean.
Neleh scared me - when asked about her plans, her voice and body language totally changed from "America's Sweetheart" to "Backstabbing B!tch", and she talked about falling through the cracks to make it this far.
So, they vote - it's all a secret. Nobody's votes are revealed. Jiffy reads them off, and surprise, the General is gone. His final words are a warning about the jury.
Next week, Kathy realizes she's screwed, unless she can get an immunity run together or use the Jedi Mind Trick on Sean and Vee. There are a couple of red herrings about alliances thrown in for good measure.
That's all - now on to CSI where David Caruso ressurects his TV career as a guest star....
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Swami
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! Crap! that means that neleHDuh with her sweet-smelling hair and perfectly filed fibreglass fingernails will win! The jury will vote for the most hygenic Survivor; good--I mean bad--she didn't give up her mint too soon. LOL.
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