How Can You Not Philiminate Us Looking Like This?
Hello there, all you good folks in realityTVworld. Once again, I have to apologize for a late summary. It’s just that this has been the first halfway decent weekend in Cleveland since I can’t remember when, so that has made it really difficult to stay inside and write. Okay, with my standard apology & excuse out of the way, let’s get on with the summary.
Last week, seven teams traveled from Buenos Aires to Johannesburg, whining and sniping at each other the whole time. Jonathan, Jr. and little Victoria took a terrifying fast forward & beat Romber to the punch (Damn – sorry I missed that one!). On the underground detour, Gretchen got the facelift she has always wanted (I really don’t think you’re supposed to see that much blood). Uchenna & Joyce got emotional at an orphanage with the most adorable kids the casting director could find, which reminded them of their inability to have one of their own. (Hey if you do win, as the oddmakers are saying, maybe you can adopt six or seven of these guys and make them your very own). The Oldsters finished last. They didn’t get philiminated, but had to start the next leg with nothing but their passports and the clothes on their backs (Hmm… sending two old people out to die in a strange country with no food, water, or anything else …sounds like a great way to get yourself sued). While doing wheelies in the desert with their jeep, the Bros flipped the jeep over. The Happy Boys stopped to see if they could help, but Romber just went on by, smiling and waving and signing autographs for their fans. Jonathan Jr. & little Victoria bitched & whined at each other even more at the detour, while the Bros slipped in from behind, narrowly beating Jon & Vicki to the finish, so guess who got philiminated. At least the brothers have one accomplishment to be proud of.
This week, the six remaining teams start in Botswana, Africa. Will Ron & Kelly be able to get through the race without killing each other and several innocent bystanders in the process? Will Brian & Greg continue to be the goofy California brothers in last place or will they miraculously figure out how to stay in the race? Stay tuned if you care.
RK is the first team to depart at 5:29 a.m. The teams must go to Sankuyo Village, about 250 miles away, for their next clue which is at a water tower. Kelly is reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the love chapter, in the Bible. She wants to be loving to Ron, who has been too busy racing to think about the relationship.
Romber departs next. They’re having fun, gloves are off, playing for themselves. They have no friends and will do what they have to do to stay in (like the whole world didn’t already know that).
UJ leaves next. They have $85 (which is a hell of a lot of money when you’re both unemployed) for this leg. They are amazed to be in Africa. Uchenna’s dad is a native of Nigeria. He’s awestruck to be walking the same ground as his ancestors.
The Happy Boys depart next, heading for the water tower. They describe themselves as honest players (even though Alex was still in the closet with his family at this point) but sneaky. The question is - are they sneaky enough to stay in the game with the likes of Romber?
Now time for the Oldsters to leave. Incredibly, they have managed to beat some really tough competitors so far, and I am personally pulling for them because I’m not getting any younger myself. It’s a beautiful morning, they are glad to be alive and ready to go. Where are the markers? Thank the Lord, they’re all right.
The Bros are last, but still in. Come on big bucks, no whammys! They are sure they can take out the Oldsters. I just love the smell of fresh overconfidence in the morning! Aha, says Brian (or Greg, whichever) to his brother, I smell fresh tracks! Hey bro, check out the sunrise – we should be dating!
RK still looking for their clue. Kelly asks Ron if she has gotten on his nerves (in the same tone of voice a woman uses to ask her husband if she’s fat). Ron rolls his eyes and says no, not at all.
Romber laugh at the ostriches. Amber wants to go on safari, and say they are the two luckiest people in world. (Okay, one thing I don’t understand here – was Bruckheimer so desperate for DAWs that he had to start recruiting from other shows – and why, pray tell, did he recruit THE MOST ANNOYING DAWs IN HISTORY?)
UJ think they’re really going strong, then the Happy Boys zoom past them. After some really bad cow jokes from the Happy Boys, we see a TAR producer in a cow costume blocking the way for UJ. It never occurs to them to go around the thing. The Oldsters get to the water tower, but don’t see a clue. Duh!! They have to drive through the city first. But then they see a marker – go straight, no - go left. The Bros have apparently never seen a water tower before and remark how big it is (I guess they don’t have them in California, at least not in their town). RK go thru the mud (reminds me of my dad on his four wheeler) and they still lead.
This week’s detour is a choice between “carry it” & “milk it.” In “carry it,” you balance three items on your head for seventy yards each. You cannot use your hands. When you get all the stuff to the cooking place, you get your next clue. The balancing act can be tough and you can thoroughly embarrass yourself, but if you can do it, you can finish fast. In “milk it,” you catch a goat and milk it until you can fill up a ten-ounce cup, then you get your clue. The task appears simple, but the goats don’t really have any incentive to cooperate and once again, you can make a colossal fool of yourself.
RK want to milk, but then change their minds & decide to carry. Kelly whines, “I can’t do this” and Ron replies “Okay, let’s go milk a goat.” (Frankly, I’m surprised that Kelly couldn’t handle this one. As a former pageant contestant myself, I vividly recall spending numerous hours walking around balancing some rather heavy books on my head. I guess the pageant world just isn’t what it used to be).
Romber’s up next. They decide to milk it. The Bros find the water tower. Gee we’ve never seen anything this big – of course we will climb it just for fun, even though the clue is under the water tower. Sorry guys, wrong tower – you have to go through the city first. (Let me guess – they didn’t teach reading in your school either – right?) In the biggest understatement of the show, Brian says, “We are idiots, Greg.”
RK try to milk. Romber try to carry, drop their stuff. The villagers are rolling on the ground wetting their pants because Rahb just can’t seem to get it (why doesn’t this surprise me). He remarks “This is so hahd, stop showing off now you native people, don’t you know who we ahh?” They decide to milk, even though it’s gonna take forever. RK still trying to milk, while Ron is still bitching about Kelly being unable to balance a bucket of water on her head.
The Happy Boys are still on the road, just ahead of UJ. They love their car (would like to have one in LA). UJ see the amazing animals and Uchenna brilliantly concludes that they are definitely in Africa. The Oldsters are worried about animals jumping out in front of them. Despite lacking any intelligence at all between them, the Bros are not giving up. “We’re gonna kick some butt today.” (Careful guys, the butts you kick just might be your own). RK & Romber still trying to get the milking thing down. The villagers are totally enjoying all the activity, this is the most entertainment they have seen in a long time!
The Happy Boys find the water tower, along with UJ and the Oldsters. The Happy Boys decide to carry, the Oldsters go for milking. UJ opt to carry, Uchenna is a natural at this particular task – he and Joyce are both actually doing it. No problem!
RK & Romber still trying to milk, along with the Oldsters. The Happy Boys can’t carry, so they hilariously chase the goats around. RK are almost there, along with Romber. RK get their clue and continue their bickering. Drive through the bush to Khwai River bank for the next clue. Romber’s done. UJ still balancing, very impressive! Off with their clue. Piece of cake for Uchenna, his African roots are kicking in! The Oldsters are done and get their clue. Happy Boys are still working on it. How many annoying DAWs does it take to milk a goat? They’re done. “Where are the brothers – I have no idea.”
Meanwhile, the Bros are still looking for the water tower. When they finally locate it, they decide to milk. They appear to have no problems, but those were probably edited out.
RK drive though a beautiful place with lots of wildlife. UJ are checking out the beautiful gazelles – how graceful! Rahb is bragging about Ambuh getting the job done when Kelly didn’t want to get her pretty little hands dirty. The Oldsters are arguing about which way the woman was pointing to the river. The Happy Boys then proceed to tear up their gazillionth vehicle this season. That sucks, but here comes the replacement car – they are back in the race.
The Bros are still milking. They discover three-quarters of the way into the task that you can’t get cappuccino out of a goat. Oh well, they’re almost done. RK see a HUGE elephant - cool! They find the clue box. It is this week’s road block. One person has to navigate the truck through the croc infested water. Then move two logs, which have been knocked over by elephants, to get their next clue. RK still in lead, Romber next. Both teams make it.
UJ see the zebras and get to the road block. Uchenna is behind the wheel, with Joyce handling the back-seat driving. They’re stuck – ouch! Now they’re out. Whoa Nelly! The Oldsters are also admiring the animals. They get to the road block. Meredith will do it. They get through the water. The Happy Boys are next to the road block. Lynn or Alex (whichever – who cares) volunteers to do it.
Rahb gets the logs out. Now Ron gets the logs out. Back & forth. They are neck in neck: Kelly tells Ron to hurry. Ron tells Kelly to shut up, he’s going as fast as he can. Each team removes its respective posts, determined to beat the other. UJ comes up behind Romber, who has passed RK. UJ get their first log. Joyce’s direction to Uchenna to remove the post apparently goes in one ear and out the other.
The Oldsters see lots of giraffes, while the Happy Boys are going through the water. Here come the Bros, bringing up the rear. Romber complete the task and get their clue. Go nine miles to next pit stop at Khwai river lodge. Last team to check in will be philiminated.
RK are now very frustrated that Romber has gotten their clue. Kelly: “Hurry up.” Ron: “Chill for a minute.” Kelly: “I’ve nothing to say to you now…you need a new attitude, you said shut the F up.” Ron: “No, I didn’t.” Kelly: “You’re a piece of trash redneck.” (Girlfriend needs to go back and reread the love chapter!)
The Oldsters persevere and get the logs moved and UJ get their clue, while the Happy Boys run over a big stick. Surprise – they’ve torn up yet another vehicle! The Bros want a real “manly” job, none of that sissy carrying or milking stuff (how about losing, would that be manly enough for you). Romber go down a rough and scary road, but are delighted to see a giraffe with a monkey literally on his back. Kelly is still whining about Ron, who is driving on & trying to ignore her. UJ are overjoyed to see the elephant and report back to the folks in Houston. The Oldsters get their clue. The Happy Boys get their third (and hopefully last – is there a limit?) vehicle of the day – can they destroy this one also?
Romber gets to the pit stop first – they have won a trip to the French Riviera (compliments of Travelocity) to enjoy after the race. They are closely followed by RK, who separate as soon as physically possible. UJ arrives third, but didn’t complete the road block and have to go all the way back to finish it. Uchenna ignored Joyce’s direction and forgot to take the post out of the path, so they’ve gotta go back & do it. They are still ahead of the Happy Boys, the Oldsters and the Bros.
After taking the new truck out for a little spin, the Happy Boys are finally getting their first log. The Bros are just now getting to the road block. UJ now just has to grab that damned post. Got everything - now hurry back if you can remember how to get there. The Oldsters don’t see any more logs, but they do see their clue hanging from a nearby tree.
UJ make it back – they are still third. “OK Phil, please tell us some good news.” “You Chenner and Joyce, you’re team number three.” Hooray for Africa! The Oldsters are the fourth to arrive at the pit stop, but how did they know to go there? They followed the markers. Not wanting to be upstaged by UJ, they forgot their clue and now must go back. Gretchen chides Meredith for not reading the clue, he tells her to calm down and they are not out of it yet.
The Happy Boys are on their last log. Miraculously, they manage to complete the task without destroying their vehicle, and get their clue. They head to the pit stop. Lynn is very proud of his sweetie for doing something so difficult. Meanwhile, Sweetie is whining about how awful it would be to get there last, because they would have only the clothes on their backs. They are pleasantly surprised to learn that they aren’t last, and their only worry at the moment is getting arrested by the African fashion police.
The Bros are still moving logs – hopefully this is manly enough for them. So the philimination is between them and the oldsters. The Bros are hoping for another non-elimination round. Instead of running like hell to get to the pit stop, they decide to change into their dorkiest looking clothes and dare the producers not to philiminate them.
The Oldsters are still looking for their clue and eventually find it. They are on their way back, are they lost? No, the road has been traveled. Meredith & Gretchen, also known as the Energizer bunnies, are team number five.
The ridiculously dressed brothers are the last team to arrive and, fortunately for all who have to look at them, get philiminated. Phil says sorry, he doesn’t have any fashion awards, just go home and start dating.
Tomorrow night: recrap
Next week: RK continue fighting like an old married couple, while the real old married couple gets a well-deserved standing ovation.
Have a great week everyone – Alicia out!