SB as always likes to fill the gaps for the archive! Here's my recap, originally published at RTVT

Previously Byron was innerduced to Jay, the other bachelor wannabe. The pair of them met 25 bubble-heads, a majority of whom selected Byron. Well, we weren’t shown all the votes, so it might have been 13 to 12 for all we know. But anyway, who’s quibbling? Other than me, I mean. All we need to know is at least 13 of the 25 voted for Byron, which was deemed a majority, which, okay, it was, but then Chris innerduced Byron to a couple of retread bubbleheads to make up for the women who voted for Jay who were still in it.

And lo! One of those latecomers is still here, as well as Tania, who voted for Jay!!! Heartbreak Mary and Tania, what can we say? It would be an understatement to say Mary is still somewhat raw from her rejection by the Blob. She's whined about being hurt so much it's become white noise. She is bravely soldiering on, still in the running to have her heart squished by Iron-on.

I mean Byron. The guy who might still be hung up on his ex-wife Irene. Lucky Girl! She got away. Which just goes to show that being chosen as Byron’s No. 1 Squeeze is not a guarantee of Happily Ever After, but Tania and Mary will take a moment of fleeting happiness on TV in lieu of meeting prospective soulmates the old-fashioned way, in bars and nightclubs and AA meetings.

In other news, I blew off Snog’N’Sip as trite, done and so last season. This time, I'm sipping to celebrate Byron reflecting back what is said to him. I’m hoping it pays off tonight, when he travels to the hometowns to double-date with the friends of the three unlucky finalist-chicks. Yes, it’s true. Last week Iron-on went on “fantasy overnight dates” with four bimbettes, and all but Cheresse invited him to the Overnight Suite de Fantaisie. Guess who was eliminated? Is there a connection? Between lack of invite and lack of continuation on the "journey?"

Last week, I decided it was Cheresse’s unwillingness to hit the hay by "Real Life" Date 5 that caused her ouster. That, and the fact her wonky face made Byron sea-sick. I also precrapped a new game for this week: The D Name Game. See, I’ve been watching this show since Andrew’s season. (Aaron and Alex don’t count in my world.) I’ve witnessed Andrewkins, Blob and Canadian Clodhopper. As I see it, now we’re up to the Ds. I’m ready to reflect Byron’s personality with a few D-word nicknames. There are so many great words beginning with D, it’s impossible to choose just one. Maybe I'll identify the one that really suits him, the name to hang his fishing pole on. Maybe I'll just have fun at his expense. Fix your drinks, friends, let's get ready to Dub the Dimbot!

Leaving the Poolhouse. Dimbot hauls himself and his roller-suitcase out of the mansion. Chris meets them on the steps. “What, trying to get away without giving me a kiss goodbye?”

Heh, but no, not really. Desperate leans in, but Chris stops him with a surprise. “Here’s your very own Marquis Jet card. You can go anywhere you like, as long as it’s to Plano, TX, Tampa, FL and Hermosa Beach CA. Now git, scampi!”

And off he goes. An unseen driver toils at the wheel, leaving Dumbass free to re-explain what he’s doing and where he’s going. Blah-dee-blah, oops look out for that jet! They motored onto the tarmac stopping under the product-placed Marquis Jet. Ooooh year of living dangerously or what!

Plano, Texas. Debt-ridden claims he’s invested so much. Yeah, he’s totally maxed his emotional bank account. “We have so much in common, but she’s been holding back emotionally.” Give me your interest! Show me the "money!!"

Tania sits vibrantly with a breakfast barful of friends, giggling and laughing in a totally fake spontaneous way. (On a side note, the other day on Selling Houses someone got a bar just like installed in her kitchen to help sell her house. And it was called a "breakfast bar," hence the nomenclature. I know I'm reaching for a story here.) One of them espies the approach of Our Hero, “Who is this handsome guy?” Why, it’s a poor man’s Mel Gibson as seen in “What Women Don't Want But He's All There Is.” Hey, Tania did vote for Jay.

Doppelganger rattles off the names of the four friends for our benefit: Mandy Becky Alison & Kathleen, and the Interrogation begins. “What do you do? “I’m a professional touring fisherman.” “Where do you live?” “I live 30 miles outside of Las Vegas?” "Do they really shoot CSI there?" Oh, that's just me.

But that explains why he’s a touring fisherman. How many lakes full of bass are there in Nevada? I mean, other than in the make-believe world of CSI, full of greenery and luscious deciduousness as it is?

Becky is deemed worthy of confessionals, although she strikes me as the ugliest of the friends. She DRs she’s surprised and happy to see contentment & sparkle in her friend Tania. Meanwhile, Tania and Drool smack and smooch and snoggle at every opportunity.

The group has been assigned an “activity.” It’s Texas, what else is there to do but ride the Mechanical Bull Operator. Oh, I mean, the Mechanical Bull. John Kenney is nowhere in evidence, but I did think of him. (And that’s my Survivor shout-out for this week.)

Each friend takes her turn getting on, getting tossed around, getting dumped. It's all the fun of being a contestant on the Bachelor without the messy heartbreak. Then Daredevil takes a turn. And gets dumped. Tania declares herself the champion, “I reign!” I didn’t even see her take a turn. How is she champion? But she diaries she loved seeing him get dumped. They kiss some more in front of the friends. “Look at us, so much in love!”

So far, lots of kissing. Reflective comments? Not a one. I’m taking a sip to check if my drink needs freshening. I think the alcohol in it may be evaporating.

The friends take him aside one by one for intimate one-on-ones. Becky reminds me of Krusta. So THAT's why they let her do the confessionals. I miss the question but DoneIn’s answer is it’s a relief to be with Tania.

Becky wouldn’t be surprised if Tania ends up engaged at the end of all this. That would be one of us. I picked Cyndi and spoilers reckon it's Mary. Becky informs Tania that she had concerns, but “his heart and true-ness make me feel he’s good for you.” His true-ness? True-to-lifeness? His occasional resemblance to Mel Gibson? What does true-ness mean? Is it like genuinity? (Oops, another Survivor shout-out.)

It’s alone-time time. Tania is vibrant as they head off to spend some time alone together, for that is what alone-time is. A bee pollinates a large flower while we transition. Oooh what could THAT mean? She takes Dullfin home to show him how her heart is opening up. People need to be more leery of whom they bring into their homes. You could give a TV repairman totally the wrong idea. Who knew it's the equivalent of opening your heart?

Tania and Durian make a meal and he chops an onion. They kiss. Again. I eye my drink longingly. “Do you want more?” she asks. Hell yeah I want more. More damn reflecting, like I was led to believe I could expect.

Later, Tania explains that, if selected to bring her family to the mansion (wha? what's this? new twist?), she might bring her mom and possibly a sister. But her mom is very private. He’s a bit sozzled and slurs something I can't make out. Oh, Drunkard thinks her feelings are the same as his. Finally!! A sipping opportunity for the Reflection Tipplers.

Tania DRs she is a little worried about the other women. Dyed-in-the-Wool Dipstick voices over it was nice to see her comfortable. Juxtaposition, it is our entertainment. Alas, it is not a legitimate reflection and the air around me absorbs another few millilitres of my gin & tonic. I inhale deeply.

He asks if she could see him living out here, and she says yes. Thank god! Sip! They sit on the sofa noisily kissing. It’s stomach churning: smooch, smack, slobber, smooch, on the sofa, in the kitchen, by the door. The producers want us to resume Snog-N-Sipping but I won’t be swayed.

Duped can see a future with her for sure. They've opened the door but he won't leave! More smooching in the doorway. Doorstopper seems really interested and she looks upbeat and positive. It’s hard to pull away. It’s an illusion. This show is such a joke. My drinking game is such a joke.

Precrap, courtesy of everyone. Donut tells us there are two more dates with two more Amazing Women, like we didn't know. What's his problem? Has he got a hole in his head? Mary white-noises. Cyndi reissues her half-assed ultimatum.

Tampa, FL. It’s a double-date with Mary’s friends. Three different Drowsy voices-over are cobbled together to explain why he's here in Tampa and that he knows about Mary's pain & hurt from "before." Yet he's looking forward to meeting her friends. Drifter wants to move forward and see if things can develop. Yawn. They meet on a baseball diamond, Mary over-excited, Dopey somewhat less so. She runs and throws herself on him and wraps a leg around him, practically humping Dumbfounded right there.

She says to him “we’re in Tampa.” We know where they are, he knows where they are. Why did she say that? Has she no faith he would have gleaned that information from the airport and road signs? Tell us something we don’t know. Okay: the people he’ll be meeting aren’t just her friends. The guy is someone she once dated. D’oh? (That's not just him, that's all of us.) Background music Twilight Zones. Dizzy says it’s weird. But what about Mary isn’t? She warns him there'll be kids, cuz "you love kids, right?" "I do love kids," acknowledges Delirious, with "I'm 40, do I look like I don't love kids?" plastered on his mug.

They drive to St. Pete, and meet Marc and Lisa and the kids. Mary DRs she's no longer thinking with her head, now she's "thinking" with her heart. Good luck with that plan. The house has piles of kidshit in every corner. Didn’t they know that Mary, Dork and a camera crew would be coming over? Or is this designed as a portent of things to come, should Dundundunnn select her for his soul-mate?

Mary explains that her friends will be playing the interrogators. Lisa, who looks like she plays for Mary’s favorite football team, asks, “What do you do?” Dwarf Fisherman responds, “Professional touring bass fisherman.” Marc the Ex (who is now married to Lisa Linebacker and has somehow fathered their children) asks Mary for an explanation. “What made you go back after the first go round?” Hey, he said that without moving his lips! What a talent! What does HE do? Mary’s answer is the usual “all things happen for a reason.” Yeah, this time you’ll be the runner-up instead of booted at the F3.

Lisa Linebacker tells us Mary tends to be a bit of a free spirit and it’s her job as her friend to keep her realistic. At least with friends like that you save on counseling and therapy fees. LL tells Mary to be careful so she doesn’t get hurt again. Ding! Thanks for playing. There is more rehashing of Blob again, encore. Haven’t I puked enough? Why can’t we have a sipping opportunity? Mary tells LL if Dreamboat ever cheated on her she’d take great pleasure in wringing his neck. Shouldn't someone warn Doofus to ease up on kissing Tania?

Marc explains that he and Mary dated “years ago.” She’s a fantastic girl and a great friend. Marc wants to know what makes Disturbed “right for Mary.” “A love of the outdoors.” And all that jazz. Marc voices over about Mary getting hurt because he wants a turn uttering the line of the night. Rats. I’ve missed out on the Drinking Game to end all drinking games.

Then Double-up repeats in voice-over what we just heard about Mary not getting hurt. Damn! Is it too late to change drinking games? I refreshen my glass. I know there's got to be a reflective comment soon, there just has to be.

Mary brings Donk into the house – her house! It’s a huge step for her. “It’s one step closer to my heart.” She's just like Tania! She sits him down and informs him she’s not sure about having him meet her parents. She cannot allow them to be hurt again. Variation on the white noise! Nevertheless, a Mary DR is inserted here. “I’m really falling for (checks sheet) Byron.” I swear I thought she was about to say "Bob" and corrected herself just in time.

But he is sad and unhappy. “Do I have to pay for Bob?” Yeah, Down-n-out, you do. What's the matter. Out of emotional cash or something? He sees her pulling back. He tells us about it. They share a kiss but it’s not a slurp-a-thon like we heard and saw with Tania.

Hermosa Beach CA. Look! There’s a guy surfing on two-foot waves. And there! A bird is carrying a small morsel in its beak. The scene, it is set.

Duke of Bass meets Cyndi on the beach, where she has chairs and a blanket set up on the sand. Also booze. Squeals! They meet and slurp. She’s in a green top and cute shorts. She thinks their love is everlasting, but then she reminds herself he’s been on 2 other dates.

They natter about nothing. Suddenly, she spots a dolphin. Thank goodness! They run down to the water’s edge to get a closer look. What is it with her and dolphins? But see how the cameraman is looking at the tide going out? Heavy-handed it may be, but it's foreshadowing nevertheless.

She asks him if he would ever leave Las Vegas. “Do I have to?” “No.” Would she leave Hermosa Beach. If she had to. Sounds real promising doesn’t it? Not. But I think we hit a jackpot of sorts. It's a sipping opportunity. Call it two!!

Her friends Tamara and Bill show up and the squeal of relief is ear piercing.

It is established that this is Cyndi and Dimmy's 5th date. They must be counting random hook-ups in the backyard and the hallways of the mansion. I thought this was their 3rd. The foursome banter awkwardly about how likeable Cyndi is. The fact that Divorced was married before is raised, bandied, and left to drift off to meet an untimely death at the bill of a passing seagull.

Bill is protective of Cyndi. He thinks she’s ready for someone to get serious with. Bill diaries that if Dirtbag ever did anything to hurt Cyndi, he’d go after him. Mr. AMAI figures Bill is really hot for Cyndi and wants her badly. I have to agree; I didn't really have the impression that Bill and Tamara are a couple as such, did you?

Bill takes Dillweed over to the water to “chat.” “Could you get serious with Cyndi?” “We learn stuff about each other every day.” That’s not an answer, Dummy. And what "every day?" You hardly spoke for the first 5 weeks of the show.

Bill says, "She’s got the best heart and I’m looking out for her to make sure she gets a good guy." He means himself, if she'd only wake up and notice he exists. Somebody get Cyndi a rose to give to Bill.

The two women talk. “Why are you stressed?” "Other women are left." “But if he picks you?” “He did pick me." Oh, but "there are 2 others.” Gosh, she’s really dumb enough for Dimwit, isn’t she? There’s something else said about feelings but isn’t there always? Cyndi tells what-was-her-name Tamara that she is “probably” love-bitten. Mr AMAI goes, “Probably? She just wants to be on TV. He’s gonna pick the first one (i.e., Tania.)” Yeah, like wow! Mr. AMAI stayed in the room and I didn’t have to tie him down.

After ads, Cyndi & Donor go for dinner. It’s her turn to spring a surprise. The restaurant they’re at is not just any two-bit dive. It’s her two-bit dive. “Yours?” “Well, me and 10 other people.” He goes, “Congratulations, irregardless. I had no idea you were capable of understanding anything remotely businesslike.”

Yeah, he really said that! I thought it was well-established that "irregardless" isn't a word. And maybe he said it at some other point in the episode, but I didn't note when exactly that was, so I'm just tossing it in here, for "color."

The Beach Grill is a soon to be two-bit dive. At the moment it's a giant basement with a functioning kitchen and a marquee proclaiming "Beach Grill." He is the first patron. He says he’s very proud of her. Ducking & Covering is also seeing a rationale for dumping her. Why would she want to leave her investment?

Cyndi wants to ask a very personal question. Not again? Didn’t she learn last time? “Would you ask someone to marry you?” DodgingTheQuestion says if it’s the right moment and blahdeeblah.

She tells him when she first saw him she was OMG Wow. And now she’s OMG Wow. So, essentially nothing has changed, right? Oh but there's more: “Feelings like I had with my first love “kinda” have come out with you." What is 'kinda'? How strong is that?

She gives him an out: "If you do not see a future with me do not give me a rose. If you’re being intimate and having the same feeling with the other 2 girls…” Distraught kind of pouts and says it’s different with the others. Sure it is. Actually, his date with Cyndi is like an amalgam of the other two dates - there's the awkwardness of a date with Mary combined with the endless kissing in lieu of talking of a date with Tania. But unlike with Tania, Doode isn't the one cupping her face. It's Cyndi who's cupping his.

She’s basically asking for assurance that she’s going to the end. “If you do pick me, don’t pick me to be the runner up.” Uh oh. He DRs she’s very much aware that there are other women involved. Yeah, that’s one point to her. She understands the concept of the show, at least.

She DRs he needs to know she is serious. They go back to the beach for kisses and more pointless chatter. “Do you like being at home?” “I like being with you.” I’m calling that a sipping opportunity.

She gets tearful in the DR talking about her true feelings while making herself face the fact that there really are two other women. Yeah, we know. Is this over yet? "It’s scary but it’s also the best feeling." I'm lost. She tells DoneHere “I’m really happy with you.” She is very touchy feely. Drone voices over in a monotone that it is hard to feel so much for 3 women at the same time. And that, my friends, is major foreshadowing indeed.

Ads again. Precrap centers around the upcoming Last Chance Chat Ups.

Back to the Mansion. The three women show up in unison once more. Mary's dressed in red, Tania's in black, and Cyndi's black dress has a shredded white hem. Dunn dunn dunnnnnn. Meh, I don't know. It looks like foreshadowing, doesn't it?

Once more, Mary takes the other two by the hand to enter the mansion. Why does she do that? It's so phony. She's forcing fellow-feeling here. Stop it, already. Mr. AMAI looks up from his game of solitaire in time to see Tania’s job description onscreen. “She's a special ed teacher?" He opines, "She’s perfect for him."

Mary reminds us she got to the F3 before and doesn’t want to be hurt again. Sigh. I shall definitely switch drinking games for the finale in time to watch the number of 'reflective comments' soar. But with any of Mary's family on hand, the sipping opportunities should abound for "Mary's been hurt before." I think it will be a win-win situation, for us, anyway.

Cyndi is nervous and wants Deafy to hear her pleas. She’s trying to be optimistic.

If Tania had anything to say, I missed it.

But look! Chris is here!! He has important news to impart. They are to each attend a Last Chance Chat-Up. Yay. LCCU for everyone. Mary is first. While she walks over, Dour talks of her being hurt before. It would be a sip if I weren’t so stubborn about changing the drinking game mid-episode. He tells her he’s noticed her holding back. He wasn’t sure how she was feeling. She reiterates her reluctance to have him meet her parents. He says he feels he’s paying the price for something he didn’t do. He's reflecting himself from earlier, so sip. She says she isn’t saying yes and isn’t saying no. She does want a rose. She wants to be with (checks sheet) Byron.

Next! Cyndi has something to say. Doesn’t she always? She regrets being so forthright, now that she realizes the chances are she’s about to be eliminated. She didn’t mean to come down so hard. She’s having so much fun and doesn’t usually think about the other women. And sometimes it hits her like a ton of bricks. Doofus uses the word “immersed” and she agrees it’s a good word. Whee, another sipping opportunity! He tells her this experience isn’t going smoothly. She says she was looking for answers because she doesn’t have any. All she knows is he still makes her feel like a schoolgirl. Oh grow up.

She’s in it 100% but it’s too late. The Fisherman has packed up his rod and gone home. After the LCCU she has mixed feelings. Her intuition tells her she doesn’t know if she fixed it. Poor thing has lousy intuition too.

While Tania clip-clops over for her LCCU, Doozy voices over about the Tania glimpses he’s had, the fleeting moments of her vibrancy. Now he wants some emotion. Isn't vibrancy reflective of emotion? Guess not. He asks her if she’s holding back. She says she’s sure she is. Not that she’s doing it consciously, because she feels in her head and heart that she is happy. Oh right, with him.

Dingdong doesn’t know if she’s caught up in “us.” She tells him “I’m absolutely crazy about you.” He smiles. She feels shaken. She DRs she thought she was putting herself out there but his questioning concerns her. I think he needed some direct confirmation from her. The smile he gave when she replied spoke volumes, far as I'm concerned. She’s the one he seems to really want.

Mr. AMAI suggests it’s time for a little AC/DC, tweaked for the Fisherman:
He’s in a Rowboat To Hell, Rowboat to Hell. He’s in a Rowboat to Hell. And he’s going down. All the way. Thank you, hon. :smooch

And I know. That's pathetic. One smilie in the whole piece, and not even about the contestants. I still haven't gotten around to visiting Smiley Central, where Hopie and Neko find all the awesome little illustrations. Maybe next week.

Okay, with a whoosh of sound, we’re back from ads. Mary looks tense, Cyndi is smiling because she's deluded and Tania is more tense than Cyndi but not as much as Mary. Chris explains how this works. One goes home, two move that much closer to true love and possibly marriage. Way to hedge the bets, there, Chris.

Deer-in-Headlights steps up, looking doomed, “Hi. This is so difficult, so difficult. I have in all of you that rare combination of great beauty, compassion, kindness, great heart. I’ve got to be true to everything in my heart and all I’m looking for – my soulmate. I thank you for making my life better by sharing your lives with me.” Mr. AMAI says that was a good speech. I sip because I’m shocked my hubby is still in the room.

Rose 1 goes to Mary (Oh no. Why!?? Because he promised Cyndi not to take her to F2 just to be the runner-up, is what I figure.) Mar noticed how she hobbled over like a 90 year old to collect her rose.

Rose 2 goes to Chris? No, it's just Chris stepping up to say it’s the final rose. Now he’s just grasping for pennies.

Rose 2 goes to Tania.

As Mr. AMAI points out, Cyndi did say, “If I’m gonna be #2 then don’t pick me.” So he respected her wishes and booted her a$$ outta the Rowboat to Hell.

Chris apologizes. She says it’s okay. The women hug awkwardly.

Distancing-himself confessionals, “Cyndi & I have a great chemistry but I couldn’t see us developing a relationship to last a lifetime.” He has no imagination. She tells him she’s upset that her intuition was so wrong. He looks gobsmacked. Camera guy wasn’t quite ready for their encounter to be over – did you see the camera shake as she stood up abruptly, ready to leave. Dumdum gives her a tight hug. They walk over to her car. He looks almost like he wants to climb in with her for one last back-seat bonanza. As the car pulls away, Our Hero is Drained. He looks like he’s been put through the wringer.

In the car, Cyndi says he needs a person who is the opposite, someone grounded. Obviously that would not be her. “Something was missing between the two of us (what, a leash & a whip?*) I’m going home. Will I ever find this again? I thought we had a stronger connection but I guess not.”

(*Once Mr. AMAI starts up with the remarks, it's hard to get him to shut up. :rotfl2)

She shrugs, not THAT upset. She’s not crying. Yet. However, precrap for next week reveals that Cyndi was gutted and had a breakdown. But that’s next week’s fun.

We leave Drool and his two women toasting to friends & family.

Next time on… it's our favorite show, the "Bimbettes Have Nothing to Say for Themselves… Again." The week after that is the finale, and to judge by the precrap, it could be either Mary or Tania who wins this jackpot of scurvy. Haha. For there is still a chance that Gwen or Irene could show up to claim the "prize." But probably not, for we're promised the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history. Has there even been a proposal before? So far, all the romance has occurred on the Bachelorette. Can DippedInBatter really give the viewers what they want?

While I think he’s currently most enamored of Tania, the test will be in how the in-laws inter-act. Yes, the in-laws, who will be meeting up for the first time ever at the mansion. There look to be fireworks a-plenty.

Credits rolling. Once again, the loser is featured. Back at the beach, Cyndi is telling her friend that she & Deep Throat “make out” all the time. Cyndi tells her friend not to like him. I guess she’s had that problem before with this friend. “Oh I won’t! He’s got your scent all over him,” says the friend. Cyndi throws herself on her friend. “What are you doing? “Falling in love.” “With me? But where is my rose?” Cyndi lays a big smooch on her friend to shut her up.

Okay, maybe I extrapolated just a tad. Thanks for reading.