LAST EDITED ON 03-12-05 AT 00:22 AM (EST)

OFFICIAL TARsucks.com SUMMARY: TAR 7 EPISODE 2 - LITTLE MARKET OF HORRORS
(a.k.a. No Longer Just a Race)

Preamble: A fair warning to everyone reading, you will be offended by something in this summary. Don't worry, it means you have a heart, which would make one of us. It is my plan to personally ridicule every, and I do mean every, contestant on this program for reasons including but not limited to lack of physical strength, lack of intelligence, and lack of judgement in choosing a fiance.

Enjoy.

Last Week on The Amazing Race...Jims and Vols wrote a summary.

Cue the credits!

We begin with Phil's obligatory speech about the pit stop and commentary. Will the biggest DAWs ever continue to lord their popularity over everyone else to win some prize that they don't need *hint hint*? Will GI Joe and Armpiece not suck so much this week? We'll see.

The sketchbians are off first and kindly read the clue for us, informing us that they need to hop a bus to Arequipa, which is named The White City because all the citizens think they can rap but actually can't. Okay, it's really something about the buildings, but I like mine better. Once there, they have to find a shoe shine place and get their next clue. However, since it's 10pm and they have to take a bus, I think we all know this'll be a bunch point.

Tangent: And only 3 minutes in too! Way to go, Bruckheimer!

Mompom leaves next, followed by Lamber and Asshat.

Amber: Rob's the leader of our team. Granted, he's actually pretty lazy, but last time I checked, idle trumps invisible. I occasionally have to talk some sense into him, since his speech impediment accent prevents him from talking sense at all, but yeah.

Way to go, Lamber. You've just said more in the last 30 seconds than you have in the past 5 years.

At the station, the sketchbians and mompom line up for the first bus to leave. Lasshat decide to dig up more info and find a bus that leaves later but arrives earlier. That must be pretty embarassing, being outsmarted by Rob and all.

Next, the Assomatic Brothers (see below, wayyy below) and the Gaydariffics head to the station and, guess what, join the line for the slow bus, followed by Meredith and Gretchen. RayDa arrives next and powwows with Lasshat...apparently they're part of Lasshat's secret society along with the Tokens. When the latter arrives, Ray discreetly tells them "You're on a secret list...I got you covered." Now you're taking credit for Rob's work. How sad. He ends by telling them to "play dumb," which brings us to...

The Spearmint Sisters, who are wearing the weirdest green shirts I have ever seen. As they ride to the station, Heidi notes that "my hair is blowing in my mouth," which is such an easy joke I don't even feel the need to dignify it. Megan tells her to put it behind her ears. You know, like she does with her ankles. GI Ho leaves last and they all get to the station.

Are you ready? Because it's Blowout time! One of the gaydariffics finally decides to talk to a security guard and discovers Rob's deception, leading them to tell Susan, "Don't trust Rob and Amber." It took you to the 2nd episode to figure that out? God you really are dumb. The sketchbians decide to confront Rob, and some minor arguing ensues, with Rob playing the blame game to keep him off the defensive.

Tangent: Maybe Rob really isn't all that...no, that just can't be. Everyone else has to just be really really really stupid.

The end result is that everyone gets on the same bus, and the spearmints tell us how they've bonded with the assomatics. They deserve each other says this summary writer.

But wait! The drama's not over yet. Asshat tells us that he used other teams' money to bribe the bus driver to only open the front door. I'd ridicule him now but he didn't actually spend something. As much as I hate to admit it...touche, Robert.

As a result, RayDa is first to the clue, which is a Roadblock. Get ready for another Amazing Rationary moment, where we are told that a Roadblock is something that only one team member can perform, and that they will have to shine 5 pairs of shoes. Ray takes this one for his team and gets to work. Amber, Ron and Joyce are the next lucky players, along with Lynn, Megan, Brian, Susan, Debbie and Gretchen.

Tangent: You don't know how hard it was to figure out the name of the racer who was actually doing the thing for some of these teams.

Ron, having been many a shoe slave in the military, races through this task. And Joyce, in the greatest irony ever, can't get anyone to let her shine their shoes (Oh, you were thinking it too. Don't be so sensitive). Megan finishes her first shine and asks her supervisor, "Tell him how much." "5 bucks plus a taxi in the morning" "No, for a shoe shine." "Oh, 1 sol." Debbie kisses her first customer, who immediately runs off to tell all his buddies. Apparently they didn't watch last week. Brian tells the camera, "These people don't want a shoe shine, they want to be treated well." Okay Brian, I'm not gonna lie to ya...at you, not with you.

When the dust settles, the teams are given plane tickets on one of two flights to Santiago, Chile, where they have to find a feniculee fenicular station and ride to the top of a mountain to find a statue of the Virgin Mary. Leaving on the earlier flight are Joe and Armpiece, RayDa, Lasshat, Mompom, and the Gretchen and Meredith. The Spearmints, Tokens, Sketchbians, Assomatics and Gaydariffic pick up the 2nd flight. And once again, in the "so easy I'm not gonna even touch it" category...

Lynn: "We're used to pulling up the rear."

Tangent: Don't you love it when the summary writes itself?

Anywho, the first flight lands and the teams are off to the funicular! Lamber, who's wearing a shirt with a huge a on it (you know, in case she forgets) and Rob get there first and are soon joined by GI Ho in a ride up the mountain. We get some footage of RayDa, the oldies and Mompom (where Patrick lets out the most.effeninate.OMG.Ever) before we cut to the top of the mountain, where the teams find a...

DETOUR!

Amazing Rationary: A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Just like it's been for the last 6 seasons. Anyways, shop for food or schlep 180 books to the library.

GI Ho and Lasshat do schlep.

Rob: We're gonna schlep. We're already running low on cash, so we're gonna lug the books.

Gee, maybe if you tried not bribing someone, this might not have happened, hmmmm?

Meanwhile, the second flight comes in and the teams race for the cabs. Debbie speaks to her cabbie in perfect spanish...God why does that turn me on? Anyways, the rest of the teams head to the funiculee funicular...but wait! Mompom runs out of pesos! Fortunately, you can always count on the kindness of American tourists who don't know the value of foreign currency to trade you the money for tickets. Or something like that...I can never remember these things.

Tangent: That's what you get for gunning after my girl last week.

Rob and Amber get to the bookstore and start stacking their books.

Rob: Okay, start grabbing books. Get them in stacks of 10.
Amber: That's the one after 7 right?
Rob: I was hoping you would know.

In what I will begrudgingly admit is a fine act of brilliance, Rob uses his construction skills to get all 180 books in one trip. See? James from Survivor: Pulau? That's how you put your construction skills to good use, not by utterly losing to the other tribe.

The editors then proceed to rub Rob's prowess in our faces by showing GI Ho's piss poor attempt to stack their books. "Big hands help," says Ron. And you know what they say about guys with big hands, right? They don't know how to stack books.

Tangent: This was originally a much more offensive joke, but I decided to cut it at the end. Flaggie me if you want to know what it was.

Anyways, Lasshat takes all their books in one trip, while GI Ho decide to take two. We then cut back to the mountain, where the oldies decide to be our first lucky shoppers, followed by the sketchbians (who schlep) and mompom (who shop). Gaydariffic and the Tokens then both also decide to shop and we're off!

We get our first glimpse of the market as the oldies get their shopping list.

Gretchen: We need to get the fish first.
Meredith: 3 kilograms. Oh my God.

Buddy, 3kg is not that mostrous. It's a fish, not a penis.

Lasshat and GI Ho then get to the Library and deliver their schlepped books. The former, who got all 180 books in one trip, then get a clue to go to the pitstop, which is good since it means that this show is almost over and I can soon go and drink away the pain of having to endure it.

GI Ho, who have gotten 112 books, go back to the bookstore for their second trip. In a dazzling representation for the math skills of Pageant constestants...

Kelly: Okay, we need 78.
Ron: How about 68?

Way to go.

Rob and Amber then check in, where Phil tells them they have won a trip to Atlantis. Good job Phil! Drown these two so we never have to watch them again! Oh, it's in the Bahamas. Now that's not nearly as cool.

Phil: How are you enjoying the race?
Amber: I think it's really bringing us closer together. And I could never do this without him.

Tangent: Well damn! I guess that ends that dream. Oh well, I guess there's still Debbie the spanish speaking sketchbian.

Back to the market where the oldies purchase their fish, despite almost not having enough money. They accept what the two have, and Gretchen promptly orders them to "wrap it up." They gave you a discount, wrap your own damn fish.

Finally, the assomatics and the spearmints pull up to the funiculee funicular and find the clue.

Megan: We're last?
Heidi: Well, let's see. There's no clues left. That means that...ummm...ummm...zero teams are behind us.
Megan: Hmmm...carry the 1...omg we're last!
Heidi: I was in shock.
Megan: Me too. I thought I got a sign wrong!

The assomatics schlep and the spearmints shop. Ahhhh, strength versus speed. Too bad stupidity trumps both.

The sketchbians and GI Ho continue their task, while gaydariffic enters the market. Upon reading the ingredient list, they note that they don't wanna touch the fish. Just give it to the spearmints, I hear they touch anything once.

While the later teams continue with their detours, GI Ho and RayDa finish schelpping and check in 2nd and 3rd, respectively. Mompom again runs out of money and resorts to begging. One smartass hands them a flower, but the joke's on him as they then turn around and sell it for 1,000 pesos. We also see a bit more begging from gaydariffic, who start getting groceries for free. This has got to be the best market ever!

Mompom, Gaydariffic, the Tokens, and the oldies all finish buying their ingredients, then we cut to the real race. The assomatics arrive at the bookstore followed by the spearmints arriving at the market. As the former start stacking their books, one starts singing, "Stackomatic...stackomatic brothers." Yeah, I've got a better nickname for you (see way way above). As they leave, they see the sketchbians coming back for their second trip.

Brian: Hey...did those girls just...
Greg: Get way ahead of us?
Brian: What?
Greg: Nevermind.
Brian: Hey, remember that time I got totally cheesed out on Fear Factor?

Back at the market, the four earlier teams check in with their groceries. But oh no! The oldies and gaydariffic get screwed over by the scale! I bet they now know how a lot of women often feel. That means that the Tokens rush ahead of them.

The oldies rebuy their fish and complete the task, while gaydariffic decide to fight with the vendor and promptly get kicked out of the market. So guess who's gonna finish first out of these two? CBS is a very twisted organization.

The Tokens check in 4th and the oldies get lost. Cut to the sketchbians handing in books and the assomatics are charging down the street. They arrive just as the sketchbians finish their task.

Bianca: The boys are here.
Debbie: You wanna make out again?
Bianca: No thanks, I think I saw one of them wet himself last time

Mompom finishes their task next and proceeds to the pitstop, while we see more footage of the oldies wandering around, when out of nowhere Meredith refers to himself in the third person, saying "Meredith is trying his best." Ohhhhhhhhh! So that's your name! I just kinda figured, you're not Gretchen, you're not Meredith, you must be "&."

Gaydariffic, the sketchbians, and the oldies check in 5th through 7th, and mompom comes in quite soon after at 8th.
So it's a race to the finish between the spearmints and the assomatics. As the former get their last ingredient...

Megan: I like him.
Heidi: Me too. Wanna do him?
Megan: That's not on the list.
Heidi: I know, I meant like just for fun.
Megan: Maybe later.

And they rush to check in.

Meanwhile, the assomatics grab their last 86 books and are soon racing towards the pit stop. They get to the park where the pitstop is at literally the same time and it's a footrace to the finish.

And the win...no wait...non-loser is...

The assomatics, who must watch their friends the spearmints take the Philimination. As Greg bends down and lets out a sniffle...

Brian: Are you crying?
Greg: Yeah, I'm so emotional right now. Like I stepped on the mat and then I started crying.
Brian: Hey, you wanna go spy on the sketchbians?
Greg: Sure.

Final Words:

"I'm so proud of Heidi and I not giving up. I can't never came out of our mouths."

I'm betting "No" doesn't make much of an appearance either.

Next Week on The Amazing Race:

- Lasshat starts the taxi stealing shtick (week 3? About damn time).
- The assomatics blow their load. Again.

edited to fix a joke

New year, new look, new Erist!
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