Brawn.

Brains

Beauty.

*rips open envelope*

Name three things which will ultimately have nothing to do with this season.

Shall we break it down? Doing so is the best way to extract all hope, because hope is the greatest of all treasures and therefore you have to throw it away right now because we're heading through the gates and them's the rules. Says so right overhead.

Brawn: put it this way: MB is now attempting to make his money the Mel Gibson way. In fact, no one's sure he has anything to do with this show any more. There isn't a heavyweight in this division because anyone with any degree of brawn whatsoever would have walked in here and knocked this forlorn has-been to the mat, not to mention cold-cocking the manager before reaching for the nearest steel chair. Or high explosive. Really, it's amazing what you can smuggle into a ring.

The show isn't the ratings force it used to be, but that can be partially forgiven because let's face it: nothing is. But it is begging to be taken out. The only question is 'Who's going to have the guts to try it?' And for network broadcast, that leaves out everyone.

But until someone tries, the corpse will continue to stagger while air pumps fake a few breaths. In the meantime, MB will get his cash the old-fashioned way: religion. Pay him or burn forever.

That's in the show contract now. Thought you should know.

Brains: the organ not being used by Jeff, who is really the one running this thing -- into the bedrock. Jeff thought we all forgot about the original idol, so he's giving all the credit to Tyler Perry. So we have the deliberate liar claiming to get his ideas from the lowest common non-entertainment denominator. Gosh, their kids are going to be special. The not-brains behind this outfit have given us a single season featuring the more recent hand grenade and the return of the old landmine. Anyone still want to vote? Oh, and Redemption Island. Because it changes the game. For the worse. But saying that is like being a non-conservative trying to get a word in on Faux. Any word at all. 'Hi, my name is --' and you're wrong. You are so wrong. You could not be more wrong. The simple fact that you're trying to introduce yourself means you have to die now. Only a total traitor to Survivorland would think about speaking at all. A real viewer shuts up and watches. So shut up and watch. You will be watching Redemption Island. For roughly 30% of the total season screen time. Now arrange these tiles in order from 1 to 100. It's a puzzle, and Jeff's ideal viewership wouldn't be able to solve it. We're no longer sure about Jeff.

Three tribes. Fine. Eighteen players, all new mostly because the entire prior player pool went into hiding except for Russhell (who is in Jeff's basement, plotting revenge), no more than 100% recruits because anyone who's ever heard of this game is wrong, wrong, wrong, hold still and let our host reload so he can blindside you again. All votes are blindsides, because Jeff says so. Jeff's blind spot starts directly in front of his face and sadly, that's where the show happens to take place. The show which he has given a concept of dividing by three attributes. Why? Two reasons. One is that Jeff walked by a gaming table once and now he's suing because he invented dragons. Second is that the original concept for this season was also three tribes with certain divisions. Christians, Jews, and Islamics. And they filmed the whole thing. However, the Islamics took F3 and that's when MB noticed what Jeff was doing, so that season no longer exists. Pity, because they took Redemption Island really seriously. That 'nailed to your symbol' endurance challenge? One for the books.

(After that, they tried Democrats, Republicans, and Tea Partiers, but the TPs shut down the production on Day One and refused to play until the other two tribes voted themselves out.)

So we're stuck with this. Multi-style idols, combined challenges, about ten seconds of screen time for most of the players, 'run back -- and down' (hey, just like the path through the gates!), choose a leader plus a weakest because no one can try to get along for more than five seconds by show order and Anti-Darwin Syndrome has the host as a carrier, plus there's an RI challenge coming up where the players will have to tell Jeff whether it's day or night. It's a puzzle. Casting made sure to get three people who couldn't solve it. Someone will signal Jeff on command.

Beauty: is in the eye of the beholder. But we're not allowed to say whether we think this is worth watching any more, at least not to anyone who runs the thing because See Above. Thinking things are anything other than perfect is disloyal. Those who do not go with everything Jeff lies about (and does he even know he's doing it any more?) cannot be tolerated. After all, it's not like we count in any way. Certainly our viewership doesn't matter. Or our opinions. So here's a truth instead.

This? Is not Survivor. Hasn't been for a while now. Never will be again.

And I could live with that. I really could, even with the sheer number of times I've been hurt before. Except for two things.

Tyler Perry likes it.

And Jeff thinks it's a good season.

...right.

Weakness.

Stupidity.

Raw Ugly.

Let what used to be the game begin.

Tonight: Snotlout and Hookfang get sent to Exile Island, search for the hidden idol, and find the Screaming Death instead. Yay! I've been trying to get him out for two seasons!