The show starts out with Chris announcing that this Women Tell All Special “will.be.like.no.other”. This was important information, because I thought it was going to be JUST like the one with Bachelor Aaron and all of his ladies, but whatever. Maybe he meant that instead of it being “Women Tell All” it should really be called “Trish Tells Off All Women”

The camera then pans to all the ladies, one by one, with Chris announcing their names as they pop up on screen with their “stats”. Now, this is the part where I think they are trying to pull one over on me. Who ARE some of these girls? Were they even on the first episode?? Like “Debbi” and “Celeste”?

At this point I realize that even though almost half the girls got it, the other half missed the memo about wearing a bright pink silk top on the show.

After all the ladies have been introduced (drum roll please) Trish is presented. Chris announces her as “the.most.despised.woman.in.bachelor.history”. I think Omarosa would like to challenge that prestigious honor, even though she never appeared on the Bachelor, or did she? As she walks onstage, she is greeted with an onslaught of BOOS and Hisses. Not surprisingly, ironically, she has that ever-present look of surprise (high eyebrows, big eyes) as she sits down. I was hoping ABC would have put some thumbtacks on her seat, but no.

She is working her perfectly plastered cheerleader smile at this point as Chris jumps right in. They show a clip of her in the limo after she got the boot. Seeing this for the second time, I realized how quickly she went from “ouch, that hurt” to “I’m gonna get him back psycho mode” in about 7 seconds flat. This is the stuff blockbuster thrillers are based on.

After the clip, she figures now would be a good time to start Damage Control, so she went on to say stuff about her multi faceted personality and how she “takes pleasure in the small (minor) stuff that most people miss”. WHAT THE HELL is she talking about here? Since when are other women’s husbands considered “small stuff”?

She started that same old bit about being thrown in with a bunch of “weak” girls who were jealous and competitive with her. Her theory was that “all the girls just wanted to beat her down to make themselves look better”. Um, Trish, Sweetie, you beat yourself down. Even equipped with superpowers, those girls could not have done as good a job destroying your chances as you did. She finished by saying that she took the “high road” throughout all of this and “did not stoop to the level of the other girls by trash talking them”. Woops, Trish, Too bad ABC had an arsenal of footage to shoot that claim to pieces- which they promptly began rolling. Ouch.

*Commercial Break*

We return with Chris and Trish in the “hot seat” again, now Chris gives her the opportunity to “clarify a few things”. “Oh Goody”, Trish thinks, “I get to do Damage Control again and I’m so good at it since I’ve had to do it my whole life because EVERYONE in this world is just insanely jealous of me”. So, Trish starts with the kids bit. “I don’t hate kids” she says. “As long as they are clean”. Nice “clarification”.

She goes on to say that she “has a good heart” and “values her relationships with the people that support her, including her family”. O.K. I’m a little confused here. If you really valued your relationship with your family, WHY would you ever put them through the embarrassment of telling the whole world that you are a gold-digging, man stealing WHORE???

Chris asks her why she did not get along with any of the girls on the show and she snaps at Chris “did you even WATCH the show???” Ouch. Then she continues to insult the entire female race with “All girls are mean”. Well, the audience loved that one. Ohhh and BOOs abound.

Thinking she has now successfully insulted every one she possibly could, Trish remembers she left out all the people of her hometown. Then she reminds everyone that she lives in Florida the “land of rich old Men” and she has “not hooked up with any of them” YET. Then she points out that she could not POSSIBLY be a real gold digger if she had not yet latched onto one of them- now could she?” No, Trish, we don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to know that you want a YOUNG and GOOD looking rich guy and Apparently they don’t make those in Florida.

She continues to emphatically deny the charge that she is, in fact, a gold-digger and continues to say that “just because she happens to enjoy activities that require a lot of money”- it’s just a coincidence. Yes, we know she would never marry poor, and she longs for Summers in Paris and Winters in St. Barths, a medley of servants, yachting, champagne and caviar….BUT, She is NOT a gold-digger. She will just only marry men that can provide these expensive things. It’s totally different. At this point I’m beginning to wonder if the description of WHORE is more palatable to her, seeing as how she has never objected to THAT term being used to describe her. “You can call me a whore, but don’t you DARE call me a gold-digger”! They should make a t-shirt with that saying on it.

Then, just to make sure she has offended all of the Bachelor ladies, she brings up the “young girl” issue again- yickity-yacking about all the girls being 21 and she is a wise and well-seasoned 28. Last time I checked, there was only ONE 21 year old in the mix. The rest are in their mid 20’s, only a couple years shy of Trish. She then eludes that once these girls reach her “Mature” age they will “have had all the same experiences that she has”. Um, you can probably guess the ladies response to this one.

Then Jean Marie pipes up. She points out that even though you might do all these trashy things, it is completely classless to publicize it on national TV. Trish, again, sports the “Surprised” look. Her face says “Did that trailer trash chick just call me CLASSLESS?”

Susan jumps in here, competing with Trish’s bug-eyed look and slams one to her. She tells her that “there is no one to blame but herself for her getting the boot, AND she can’t believe it did not happen sooner”. She finishes with “We did not throw you under the bus, You stepped right in front of it”. BAWAMMY! The crowd cheers!

Then Chris asks Trish who she thought her friends were during the taping. After a pause, she says “Mandy and Karen”. BUZZ,.. Boing.. WRONG! And we have clips to prove it!
Now the clips start rolling with seemingly benevolent Karen talking about how she would like to “hurt Trish”. She makes fun of her along with the other girls and mocks Trish whorishly sticking her tongue in Jesse’s ear. They show a clip of Trish “calling” the front seat in the limo. Karen, FYI also 28, quips “What are we 10?” This made me laugh, but seriously, No, Karen, maybe Trish was not clear. Trish is 28. You must have misinterpreted her “front seat” comment because no one this side of Tel Aviv does not know Trish’s age. She brings it up every 10 seconds. *Trish’s thought as she watches this* “If everyone in this house was not so fricking immature, they would have gotten my perfectly sophisticated “front seat” comment”. An aside, they pan to “rough around the edges” Tara who is picking and eating something off the rug??? Suzie then talks about Trish’s “Jeckle and Hyde” persona. I’m not sure I agree with her here- Trish is a SKANK all the time.

Now back to Trish in the hot seat. They start with Karen, and she says there was no love lost between her and Trish. She says she told Trish during the taping that “she thought that she was only 10% real, and the rest was just crap”. Trish nods in agreement. After all, friends always tell friends these sorts of things, RIGHT?

Karen then explains to Trish that she had over stepped the boundary of everyone’s comfort level. Trish fires back with “well, you should not have asked”. HMMM, When asked a compromising question, the rest of us were born with filters and know when to shut our mouths. Apparently Trish does not understand this concept, even at her womanly mature age of 28!

Then, she says that Suzie is the one with the J&H personality and that Suzie will do anything to get attention be it negative or positive. Sounds like Trish is analyzing herself here. ABC played her like the $3 whore that she is and she went right along with it just to get her face on TV. Who needs self- respect when you can get National TV exposure?

*Commercial Break*

This is where the show gets really good. They start out with Trish down talking to Suzie about them being on different “levels”. Yes, “Hooker” and “Girl next door” are definitely 2 completely different levels. Ahem. Then Trish tells all the girls that “Jesse is looking for a perfect fit. And she’s the perfect fit”. At this moment all I can think is that Trish must be talking about Jesse fitting perfectly in her crotch with her legs wrapped around him,…. but anyway-

Then they show (my favorite) clip of Trish saying that she is “elegant, professional and sophisticated, not a blabbering idiot like Suzi”. WOAH, Them’s fightin’ words. Now the camera jumps to Suzi who is FUMING! Trish tries to mellow the blow by doing some serious back peddling and Damage Control (since she is SO good at that.) “What I meant to say, Suzi, was you were clearly star-struck, ahem, taken with Jesse and THAT’S why I called you a blabbering idiot”- “See, I meant it in the nicest way”. Suzi is not impressed.

Then Trish opens her cake hole once more to tell Suzi that she was acting so immature and ridiculous doing those keg stands and getting all drunk. She points out that THIS type of behavior would not be appropriate at “black tie Giants events”. I had a serious laugh over this one. Does she really know the definition of “appropriate”? Trish is such a blabbering idiot-I can only guess that she would discuss her vibrator/dildo use with all the men at those “black tie events”- now THAT would be appropriate, wouldn’t it? Ah, darn. And just when Trish was really starting to make some ground. Snicker.

*Commercial Break*

Next they bring out Jenny, but suspiciously, the camera cannot seem to keep itself off of Trish. Every question they pose to Jenny, the camera goes straight to Trish. And, every time, Trish has the same “surprised” look on her face. Despite the distraction, I can’t help but notice that Jenny is wearing a rosary of green Necco ™ wafers around her neck.

There is so much drama in this segment, I don’t want to bore you with the dialogue- So here’s a brief summary: Jean Marie goes into “Oscar moment” and tells Jenny that she is a “rat” and maybe “one day she could forgive her”. Kinda makes you wonder why Jean Marie is so bitter towards Jenny, considering she wasn’t even in the house very long. Could it be that Jean Marie feels that Jenny told Jesse to cut her because of some secret she had shared? Possibly Jean Marie revealed to Jenny that she was really a man?

The rest of the girls are also torn up over the “deceit” and betrayal of a “best friend” Yeah, I always consider girls I have known for 1 week “a best friend”. The girls wail, “But I, sniffle, trusted you with my deepest secrets, sniffle, and you lied to me!!” Please ladies, it’s not like Jenny slept with your husband or anything- (Trish will take care of that). Get over it. Drama, Drama, tears shed, Drama.

*Commercial Break*

They open with Jenny still in the hot seat, Julie the cheerleader is blabbering something about when life give you lemons, etc. Go TEAM!!! Hurkie, Sparkles, Back-flip. Like, Omigod! This girl’s enthusiasm is so annoying.

Next they bring in the big cheese himself, Jesse. He’s looking dashing and confident ready to take on the scorned women, but, wait, …WHAT is he wearing on his feet? Pimp boots? They looked orange on my TV, and he was wearing a grey suit. As if a grey suit is the only thing that would not pair well with orange boots, but anyway. BARF!

They don’t waste any time and break out the footage. They show a clip of Jesse kissing Trish, Karen, and Suzie all in the same date. SHOCK! You mean this guy would do such a thing? Hard to believe especially when we are reminded by Mandy about the fact that Jesse said he “was tired of waking up next to strangers every morning”. YUCK! What was he thinking saying this? And he does not even respond with embarrassment- I know Trish is in the corner telepathically telling him to “Damage Control” this one, but clearly the signals got crossed and he says “that did not come out how I wanted it to”. Oh, ok Jesse, I guess you wanted to put a positive spin on it like, “I should have said, It’s tiring waking up every morning next to all these lovely different girls, too bad I can’t remember their names”??!?!?!

Cheerleader Julie brings up the “fit” issue again- still dazed that a football player did not pick her. After all she IS a cheerleader and her mommy always told her that if she was a cheerleader, someday a handsome football player would swoop her off her feet and their life would be perfect. Julie cannot understand WHY she is not the perfect fit for Jesse. She is so upset and confused, I think she wrote a cheer about it:

Oh Jesse You’re so Fine,
You’re so fine you blow my mind,
Oh Jesse (stomp, stomp) Oh Jesse.

Before I even joined the show,
I planned our life as it would go,
Oh Jesse (stomp, stomp) Oh Jesse.

I knew that we would have 2 kids,
We’d buy a house that was Splendid!
Oh Jesse (stomp stomp) Oh Jesse.

You think I’m not your perfect “fit”
You must be blind, I CHEER, numb wit!
Oh Jesse (stomp stomp) Oh Jesse.

Come to think of it, Trish MAY be his perfect fit. They both make a habit of sleeping with people they barely know.

Since this seemed like such a nice note to end the show on, they did. Chris throws in one last “Good luck with your day job” snide remark to Jesse and I’m left wondering “Does Chris also know that Jesse is 30 seconds short of being fired from the Giants?”