LAST EDITED ON 10-29-01 AT 01:05 AM (EST)Episode #3: "Is There Something I Can Take to Relieve This Bellyache?"
Jiffy: Previously on Survivor ...
The Boron tribe immediately implemented the "Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight" strategy by disadvantaging themselves in every way possible and losing every competition. Having voted out Diane from "Deliverance" and Messie Jessie, the six who remain are Clarence the Back, Action Figure Ethan, Rich Kid Kelly, Mama Kim, Punk Daddy Lex (or Dyslexia for those who can read that word) and Boss Tom.
Meanwhile, the Sanburro tribe, lulled into a sense of superiority by having done everything right and retained their full compliment, have taken to playing head games on each other. The Mall Rats made up of Longhorn Brandi, Powerpuff Kim and That Incredible Linzi Trip (TILT for short) believe they have a fourth in their alliance. But the Boomer Brigade of Don Carlo, Sgt. Franz, Linda Rafiki and Saint T-Bird believe they have a fifth it their alliance. Which way will 00Silas turn? Who cares, it's not like either is a good choice. Yeah, I deviated from Jiffy's script, live with it.
Night 6
The lions come growling up to the Boron camp, captured in glorious spooky nightcam, while the Kid and the Back are pulling sentry duty. Will these folks think of something interesting to do, like maybe sing some Enigma or Sons of the Pioneers, see how that really works on savage beasts? No, Kid Kelly yells "Go 'Way!" while C the B rises up, I guess to seem more menacing or something. Pretty soon the whole tribe is involved in this strategy of entertaining the critters away.
Punk Daddy: None of us thought it would be so real!
Like, I really don't get what his concept of reality might even remotely have to do with anything.
Boss Tom: My mind said stand still but I wanted to run but there was nowhere to run.
Action Figure: What do you do?
Well, did you consider staying by the fire and getting ready to use it maybe? Did any of these Borons read their "Survivor Manual" or would that make too much sense? More Growls, more "Go 'Way!s" -- and after a bit the entertainment strategy actually pays off!
Hakuna: Okay, let's go to the other camp now.
Matada: Told you this would be fun, they were really scared.
Hakuna: Yeah, now let's go see if that crazy lady will sing us "Circle of Life" again.
Matada: I liked "Color of the Wind" better.
Day 7: Reward
At the Sanburro camp it's rise and shine time for the Boomer Brigade, we see Don Carlo getting into his walking boots. But the Mall Rats want to sleep in with 00Silas.
Powerpuff Kim: It's so early! (yawn)
Longhorn Brandi: Uh-huh. (yawn)
Linda Rafiki: Spirits of the morning say it's time for work!
Don Carlo: There is work to be done, capisce.
Longhorn Brandi: I'll rustle up some breakfast.
And after the Boomers march off to the water hole for their morning watering, the Mall Rats actually do get down to business. TILT thinks the Boomers are sucking up to them, I can't imagine why or how things work in TILTworld.
Longhorn Brandi: Don't forget what they've put us through. They're probably talking about us!
Seems fair to me, you're talking about them.
Saint T-Bird: I feel like we're being played.
Linda Rafiki: There are spirits everywhere.
I give up, figuring out which side of this tribe is more demented is someone else's job.
Longhorn Brandi: I like cooking, that way me and my pards all get more.
So the Mall Rats and 00Silas pig out on cornmushcakes, leaving the clean-up detail to the Boomers while Powerpuff boils some water. Then the Boomer Brigade finally returns to camp. Sgt. Franz notes that breakfast is burnt, Powerpuff is at the fire, does the math and comments. Didn't she look pleased with that one! Yes, girl, give us that I-just-got-nailed-by-the gay-beautician? look. Good, she got it in one take.
Well, it's what she should have thought if she'd been paying attention.
While over at the Boron camp they're busy looking at them lion tracks and being mighty impressed.
Punk Daddy: Don't run from lions, that tells them you're prey.
Looks like someone caught up on some of his reading during sentry duty. Then they decided to fix their boma, boy wasn't Boss Tom pleased to have some more bossing duty come his way! Borons mend their fence, how cute. Will MB ever give me some decent material to work with?
Back at Sanburro camp it's time to repair TILT's necklace while Don Carlo frets over the crack in the water pot. Thanks, MB, but the crackpot thing is just too easy.
Don Carlo: You just cannot not work, capisce.
TILT: Hey, we're fixing my necklace!
Sgt. Franz: Necklaces are a waste of time! Food! Water! Shelter!
Then TILT had the wonderful idea of making necklaces for all her good Sanburro chums under forty and somehow wound up branding Brandi.
Longhorn Brandi: MOO!!
Don Carlo: They're getting under out skin.
Bellyaching seems to be a contagion among the Sanburro, someone better call the CDC before it starts breaking out all over.
00Silas: Carl, can I borrow 20 grand?
Don Carlo: One day I will expect a favor from you, capisce.
Then the Sanburro young spend some time getting on his case for being a rich workaholic dentist, but Don Carlo knows lazy when he sees it and somehow manages not to tell them off. Finally, blessedly, tree mail arrives
Gather no moss as you roll the stone
Work as a team, you can't do it alone
This one's a tough one, do all you can do
Victory is refreshing with clean water and shampoo.
The tribes arrive at the challenge area, Jiffy is there to get in his camera time, and what can I say but MB has some mighty big balls. We all knew that, though. Jiffy explains that the challenge is to roll the balls in a race, the tribe which gets their ball to the finish first gets the reward of 100 gallons of fresh, clean water. And shampoo. Yeah, a shower after balling, that sounds right to me.
And Sanburro get to sit out two to make it fair, so they pick Longhorn Brandi and Powerpuff Kim to be their cheerleaders this time. What? I do not understand why the Boomers let two strength-conserving over-fed Mall Rats sit out in the same game! What use are these guys except in challenges, anyway! Oh well, not my problem.
And they're off! Jiffy runs ahead as the tribes push ball push ball; man, those things look way too fake to call them boulders. Action Figure gets crushed between the balls, but wait he's okay he's okay! They push push push. Mama Kim falls and Sanburro run right over her, I mean right over her like she's nothing. But Mama Kim's sacrifice means she's finally done something right, Boron takes the lead as Mama Kim gets up and races to be with her kind!
Sanburro loses control of their ball and race to get it back! Boss Tom begins to fag out, no no! Sanburro get their ball back, miss a flag, Jiffy gives them grief! But Boss Tom is sucking wind. Wait, he doesn't just keel over dead, he keeps going. Sanburro struggle and lose control and miss another flag and Jiffy griefs them again! Boron fumbles to the finish for the win! And as Boron celebrate their first victory Sanburro stumble their ball to the finish line instead of just chucking it in and heading home. The Boron drink the drink of sweet victory!
Day 8: Immunity
New water at Camp Boron, everyone drinks, yum yum! Isn't this where we left off on day 7?
Boss Tom: Now we have the key to survival!
Cut to Camp Samburro, ugly monkey immunity idol surrounded by Sanburro spears, a dust devil kicks into camp and knocks them all down. I sure hope Linda saw that since she's so into the omens and stuff. Cut to tree mail.
Now you're lost in the wild and there's no one around
You might find yourself thinking you'll never be found
Muster all your resources and don't stop to gloat
Fail to get our attention, you'll be facing the vote
Build us a message to be seen from the sky
If your signal's the best immunity will drop by.
Powerpuff Kim states the obvious and Sgt. Franz takes charge of things.
TILT: Old people suck.
And the Sanburros commence ridding trees of their excess branches in order to make two S'es to go with the O of their boma.
While at the Boron camp Mama Kim begins painting their mosquito netting, having decided color might be the key to winning this time. Hey, whatever.
Meanwhile, at Sanburro TILT has collapsed with tummy pains, thanks to dehydration and MB being a sadist. Powerpuff Kim comes to her aid.
TILT: Oh, I could take getting my hair braided better than this! Oh Oh!
Then Linda wandered by as TILT writhed in pain. How embarrassing of the spirits to allow such a thing.
Powerpuff Kim: Go 'Way, Rafiki!
Yeah, that entertainment strategy pops up at the oddest times, how quaint.
Linda Rafiki: TILT likes to say how strong she is. I guess she's not so strong.
Now I'm getting a bellyache!
Back at Boron they've somehow stumbled into the sex sells strategy.
Boss Tom: We got colored boy in bulging white, we got fat naked guy (no comment), we got skinny Action Figure and Punk Daddy, we got fat-bottomed Mama Kim a-makin' the rockin' world go 'round, we got sweet young thang a-shakin' her bacon!
And hopefully they got MB pounding his head repeatedly into the wall for not having had this challenge three or four days earlier when Jessie could have played. At the airstrip somewhere Jiffy introduces us to the expert pilot who will expertly pilot the plane, and to the expert distress signal competition judge who will impartially determine the winner of this fiasco of a game; well, if your reputation as an impartial expert distress signal competition judge is on the line, what do you care who wins as long as you keep your rep intact, I suppose.
As the plane flies over Sanburro everyone does what they can to attract attention from the ground, except TILT who wishes Franz were dead because he hasn't been so kind as yet as to just put her out of her misery. From the air we see that Sanburro has made a powerful big SOS, though they somehow didn't get around to following the order to drape it with all their man-made products in order to make it more colorful. Flying by Camp Boron we see they've made a much smaller SOS, but with all of them doing their sexy best to be attractive, and with the colorfulness of it, and with Boss Tom having picked a barren area for them to make the thing in, it turns out size doesn't matter!
The expert gives the win to Boron because the Sanburro signal just blended so well with the terrain that it would probably never even be noticed from the air, which fortunately for MB that actually makes a great deal of sense. Unfortunately, we have to endure the vision of fat naked guy a little while longer as Boron celebrate finally receiving the ugly monkey totem.
Back at Sanburro they eventually realized that the plane wouldn't be coming back and they had lost to Boron again. Poor Linda couldn't handle it and became very freaky Rafiki over it, going on and on about the spirits not blessing a house in conflict and abandoning them to find some peace; generally making a pitiful spectacle of herself. I have to wonder what she actually would do if the lions showed up one night, this is the damnedest entertainment strategy I've ever seen. Well, Dick, I really dig the groovy far out spiritual stuff but I'm picking up such bad vibes from the attitude she's copping to that I have to give it a 35.
Day 9: Tribal Council
Boron gets a day off to enjoy their new swimming pool or mess up their water supply in some other way which MB doesn't want us to know about until next week. At Camp Sanburro the bellyaching just goes on and on and on.
TILT: Yesterday I was dehydrated, it could happen to anyone.
00Silas: It was a thumb-up, I hated for them to get that sweet taste.
Sgt. Franz: Barbie went down in Africa.
Don Carlo: Two days of sunbathing, when there was work to do she fell apart, capisce.
Sgt. Franz: I have no flexibility, I'm not going to deal with excess baggage.
Powerpuff Kim: We're not a tribe so what's the harm if we go to tribal council, let's get to it!
And, of course, Jiffy was waiting for them when they finally got there. He commenced probing them for the traditional blatant lies and stupid aversions.
Jiffy: Is this a big deal?
Saint T-Bird: Yeah, we care.
Powerpuff Kim: This is big!
Jiffy: What's it been like?
Longhorn Brandi: It hasn't been unpleasant.
TILT: We all get along really well!
Don Carlo: We have a water problem, we have a pot problem, we're not always on the same page, capisce.
The pot problem, that explains everything. And so it went. Sgt. Franz attempted a bit of soul searching at one point, that was cute. I'm starting to look forward to Jack Nicholson playing that character in the big screen version. And finally they went to vote, Linda voting as Mother Africa wanted her to vote of course, and when the votes were tallied TILT and Don Carlo were tied 4-4. Seems 00Silas decided it was better to have three dependants than be a fifth wheel, sad when the smartest one in the tribe is the bartender wannabe thespian. Before the revote the two were given the chance to beg to stay.
Don Carlo: I am a man who gets things done, capisce.
TILT: Give a girl a break, huh, I need the money.
And then the revote tied, of course. Not being allowed to just kick out whoever he wanted, Jiffy brought out the Trivial Pursuit challenge. They would answer questions from the "Survivor Manual," coincidentally now available in book stores everywhere, until one of them got an answer wrong. Predictably, neither of them knew what to take for a bellyache. But then it turned out TILT knew what to do for a tick, of all things, so it's so long rich dentist man.
Don Carlo sauntered away mumbling something about being lucky not to be wearing their shoes (capisce), and we all learned a valuable Survivor lesson. You should laze around and catch up on your reading or someday you too may lose a game of smarts to someone as lame as TILT!
"If all machines were to be annihilated at one moment, so that not a knife nor lever nor rag of clothing nor anything whatsoever were left to man but his bare body alone that he was born with, and if all knowledge of mechanical laws were taken from him so that he could make no more machines, and all machine-made food destroyed so that the race of man should be left as it were naked upon a desert island, we should become extinct in six weeks. A few miserable individuals might linger, but even these in a year or two would become worse than monkeys." (Samuel Butler, "Erewhon")
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I am WAY impressed! BRAVO!!!!!!!!
SMILES ARE FREE.