LAST EDITED ON 01-19-03 AT 01:05 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 01-19-03 AT 01:04 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 01-19-03 AT 00:21 AM (EST)

Know When to Hold Em', Know When to Fold Em'

We open with a quick 5 minute recap of what happened last week, and the guy’s are told that they can now move into…well, the guy’s house. Or as I call it: the Animal House.
The remaining 15 are:
Brian S., Russell, Josh, Brook, Rob,Bob, Jamie, Jack, Ryan, Brian C. Jeff, Brian H., Charlie, Michael & Greg T.
Our host (who isn’t too bad looking himself) Chris, tells us that they guys will get to go on dates of five with Trista, and they’ll be told via videocassette. The guys are psyched and find out that the first group gets to go to Las Vegas, yes you heard right: Las Vegas, Sin City….and for some reason I can’t get the song Vive Las Vegas and The Gambler (you know when to hold them, know when to fold them.) out of my head…but I digress….

Date one: The Gamblers
Las Vegas, Nevada Casino Night
Starring: Trista, Brian S., Russell, Josh, Brook & Rob

As the group arrives at the airport in a limo, they discover that they get to take a Lear jet to Vegas, which leads to sayings like: I’ve never gotten to do anything like this before… and Brook wins the Gag me with a spoon line award by saying: ”Going to Vegas is fantastic, but going with Trista is amazing!”
Vive Las Vegas!
Vive Las Vegas!

While the posse, I mean bachelors are at the casino, Russ wins the first round of musical chairs and gets to sit next to Princess Trista. And so sets the tone for the evening…The pack then heads up to the sky bar, and they attempt something that looks like dancing, but like me, Trista and Russ, say these guys suck, and get the heck out dodge…when in confessional, Trista says that she always feels sparks when she’s around Rus....(and, here folks, is the winner of Trista’s Cheesiest line of the show..and that’s saying quite a lot!)After that confessional,we go to a balcony where Russ and Trista are having a tête-à-tête....Russ explains how surprised he is that they connect. Trista tries to explain that there are 14 other guys that she needs to talk to, but he doesn't let her finish her thought…and they kiss, and Oh My Heck!! I do believe I saw some tongue action in that kiss-French kissing on the Disney owned abc? I’m in temporary shock...When the shock wears off I see that Brian, Josh, Brook and Rob finally realize that they’ve been ditched…or maybe a cameraman finally took pity on them, and in the need for some action shots, says: ”hey, morons, Russ and Trista are alone in the room…” and Rob wins the catfight award for this date by saying: “…what Russ is doing is called "chiseling," trying to get a lot of face time. What I do is the exact opposite, and that if she wants face time with me, Trista will come and get him.” Chiseling-WTF?Is that some strange shrimp terminology that the rest of us don't know about?
Rob and Trista then spend some time together alone in the room. He tells her that: he's looking for a woman who will not fall for a "slick" guy, because he's not that type of guy, and yadda, yadda, yadda… Now if I were Trista and were alone in the room and on the bed with Rob, I’d be doing more then just talkin;, but maybe that’s just the shrimp millions dancing around in my head....
Vive Las Vegas!
Vive Las Vegas!
And we interrupt this program to remind everyone that there are other men in this show we go to our very own:

Animal House
Starring: Bob, Jamie, Jack, Ryan, Brian C. Jeff, Brian H., Charlie, Michael & Greg T.

Since the remaining 10 guys decide to have a little soiree of their own, and vie for the title of: who can pass out the fastest?? And the winner is (drum roll please….): Jack. Passed out by 8:00pm? How pathetic!! This just shouts out for me to mention the Superman shirt he was wearing earlier in the episode. Evidently his superpowers don’t include being able to stop a moving bed……because before you can count to three, Jack and his bed are moved out into the lawn for all the nation to see this Ohioan passed out……It almost makes you feel sorry for him…(not!)

Rock, Paper, Scissors:
Date Two: The Spa/Pool Party Date
Starring: Trista, Bob, Jamie, Jack, Ryan and Brian C.

We find that the next fantasy date is to: A spa.hat’s it? A freakin’ spa? I would demand a refund from ABC if I were the guys on this date.Even if it is in Palm Springs, what guy dreams about going to a spa? Who cares if it is more a "manly man pool party" A spa by any other name is still a spa…Not only do they have to go to a SPA, they have to go in a bus! A bus? Did ABC only have one free “use of a limo” coupon? Ahh…but as Trista says: “it’s like a rock star bus…” and you know, I can’t disagree. It has all the comforts of home: Leather couches, a fridge, a table…wait, the bus is larger & nicer then my home! I’ll take a bus ride in a bus like this any day of the week!!
Before they leave we see Bob in confessional saying: I don’t think Trista needs to know what on last night with Jack. I’m not going to bring it up unless Jack brings it up. It’s his story to tell. Before I can even say to myself: what a nice guy that Bob is…we see the posse on the bus and Bob saying to Trista? Did you hear what happened to Jack last night?(And the gossip Queen award goes to: BOB!)Trista of course says no….Bob and the others delight in telling her how when he passed out, they pushed his bed into the lawn…and it was the funniest thing in the world to watch. Trista just shakes her head and has the most disgusted look on her face..she was definitely not impressed by the frat boys pranks!! We hear this wise confessional from Jamie: Unless she is supremely cool and thinks it’s funny, there’s just not much you can say about that.”
Bob then jokes about how everyone asked him if he was nervous about going out on this date because everyone else had such good physiques…to which he replied: Is that a fat guy joke? In confessional Trista says: Bob has an amazing sense of humor, and I’d rather be with someone who can make me laugh, then who’s just good at lifting weights.”
Ouch!
The posse finally arrives at the spa and pool. Trista grabs Ryan for some quality “get to know you better time” and tells everyone else to: “eat, drink, and be merry!” Some one really needs to write better lines for her....
She and Ryan talk about what they want out of out life, and she tells him that she’s ready to be married, wants a family and to maintain her friendships, etc., etc., etc….
The two go outside and see not one, not two, but three weddings in progress!! If they show one more wedding, I think I might just throw up...
Trista says that has to be a sign of some kind, and maybe, just maybe her feelings with Russ were superficial…
We move on to every one in the hot tub-and Trista tells the guys that they get to decide who’s going to have a massage with her. After a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors (I swear, I’m not making this up!!) Jamie wins, and Bob says Jamie somehow cheated…uh,Ok Bob.
Jamie tells her he gave up the change to play basketball, then we have a quick shower scene and then we go to a confessional in which Trista says: These guys have really raised the bar, and a lightbulb goes off in her head and she thinks that maybe, just maybe she doesn’t have much of a connection of Russ as she thought

Are you ready for some football????
Date Three: San Diego Chargers Game
Starring: Trista, Jeff, Brian H., Charlie, Michael & Greg T.

This posse of guys gets to go in a camper, yes you read right, a camper, (ABC must have used up all the extra transportation costs with the Rock Star Bus.) to see a San Diego Chargers game. Now, I can’t help but mention here that when the guys watched the video there was a shot of Trista in nothing but a chargers shirt, and inviting them to go with her…before the date even started the guys were like: “This is a fantasy date!!” The shot of Trista in the shirt wins: The cheap thrillof the night Award!
(With all those shots of Trista’s cleavage, that’s saying a lot!)
On the way to the game they have a tire blow-out…and one of the guys said: “ She was waiting to see who’s the chivalrous one and who was going to save the day. Which leads us to: “ The Chivalrous Knight award…The winner is: JEFF. This bachelor also wins for having the first Drool Alert of the show… and you know this isn’t a good sign for our professional football player when Trista says: “You have you’re shirt off, I didn’t even realize it….” Double Ouch! Jeff also wins the stupidest saying of the night award for saying: “Chop, Chop, people we have to get to the game.” Chop, Chop…??? WTF???? I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Jeff really must play for the Bengals, because what other team would allow someone to take time off during the middle of a season??

Once at the game Greg and Trista spend the time talking, and none of the other guys must’ve said anything interesting enough, because before you know it, the Chargers have won, people are celebrating and Trista and the boys are on the field and we have our second Drool Alert for the show. LaDanian Tomlinson (the running back for the Chargers) and Drew Brees (the quarterback & my new crush) appear. Drew admits that he watched The Bachelor. (Yeah, Right, whatever you say Drew...) Drew said that he saw her on the Jumbo Tron, and all I could think of was: Maybe the reason you only won by one point was because you should’ve been going over the game plan instead of staring at Trista, but I digress…..
On the way back to the Animal House, Trista lays down and decides to spend this time with Charlie. She told him how on the first night out of all of the 24 bachelors, he was the one who blew her away..and not to worry, he was getting a rose, which leads us to the final segament of our show:

Happy Trails Also know as the:
The Rose Ceremony
Starring: Everybody!!

We open with Trista saying how the guys who are on the fence, are still on the fence, and how this is time to get to know them better…

Jack: All we see is Trista laughing with him.
Jeff:He asks her if being 25 is a problem, and she says no: You’re practically the perfect guy.-you have intelligence, you’re funny and have a beautiful look about you. I have to consider everything about you, not just your age.
Brian H: Trista asks him why he should get a rose. He asks her if she felt any chemistry with him. If she does, then they should move forward, if not don’t give me a rose. Trista again asks him: Why? (You can feel the tension between them. That can’t be a good thing.) He replies that he’s a straightforward guy, and what you see is what you get.
Ryan: Trista says to him: I feel like you have so many more layers, and I think there are so many more layers that I want to know about…Ryan: You’re making me blush Trista: (laughing) I made a firefighter blush…
Russ: Trista to Russ: Please don’t try so hard & put pressure on there to be a moment. Russ interrupts with: I know, I know…Trista says: Please don’t interrupt: There was a lot of alcohol involved, yadda, yadda, yadda. Bottom line: I don’t like guys who are aggressive.
Bob, Brook, Rob, and I think a Brian: Bob to everyone: What do you think will happen tonight?
Brook: My favorite song: Happy Trails To You…. (this wins him the best line of the night award!)
Brook In confessional: Trista’s allergic to almost all animals. I have more strikes against me then a baseball game. (Ok, that wins the worst analogy award of the evening.)
Brook:(To Trista) You & I-our first time together. What’s the deal? Trista: I know-my biggest concern about you is horses. Brook: I don’t understand your consideration about horses..to me that’s shallow. You haven’t gave the chance one bit to see the real Brook, all you saw was the horses… (This wins the Ouch! and Catfight award!)

We have a little mingling, then Trista and the men are together making small talk, and Chris calls Trista to the deliberating room. She goes on how some of the conversations hurt her, but believes that the man for her is still there. She watches the videos, where Brook tells her he’ll give up all his animals, Jeff shows a tire, and we have another Drool Alert: Ryan reads her a poem: “…it doesn’t compare to the moment I stepped down into the night and saw you there…”
Trista then goes to the actual ceremony. She tells the guys she’s going on her “gut” decision..and all I can think of is: Didn’t this girl watch Survivor 3? Doesn’t she know what happened to Lex when he went his gut decision? Why do I feel a Kelly Fiasco coming on??? Chris explains the whole Rose Ceremony process… and Trista comes down.
Before she begins to hand out roses, we have a defecator in the group. Brian says if he stayed it would be an injustice to the group and he hightails it faster then can you say: "Trista."

Roses go to:
1.)Charlie
2.)Bob
3.)Greg T.
4.)Ryan
5.)Mike
6.)Rob
7.)Jamie
8.)Russ

Edited to fix some typos and html mistakes
Edited twice because I really am computer illiterate sometimes.
Edited three times, because three times a charm, right?