LAST EDITED ON 11-20-04 AT 06:15 PM (EST)Welcome to a brand new season of the Emy award winning Amazing Race! (Before you get on me for spelling, that was a purposeful play on words- as a shoutout to EmyDi who so kindly gave up her summary writing slot so that I could move up and write this summary.) At first when I found out I was writing the summary for episode 1, I thought "Great, first episode all the racers will be on their best behavior and I won't have anything good to bash." Little did I know that I would have a lively pair of Jews, a half fast black team, Mormon sisters, a gay man who is still in the closet and his dumbass girlfriend that can't read, a few pretty pairs of models that are all worthy of bashing, a Geriatric duo that pop a few good one liners, a steroid induced muscle headed pair of rednecks, and a guy who has got to be considered the cream of the crop, top of the heap, A-number one, king of the hill, yellow shirted mental magician super idiotic biggest loudest jerk alive. This guy makes Colin look like a saint! All that being said, nothing is sacred and noone is spared in this non-pc yet pg-13 summary. Something Just Isn't Kosher We see Phil and behind him is the city of Chicago, gateway to the midwest. Speedboats are racing the teams across Lake Michigan to the starting line. Lets meet the teams: 
Can they stand up to the stress of 40,000 miles? We will find out as we begin The Amazing Race. (Cue music)
Phil:
At the start of each leg you will get cash to cover all but airline tickets. You will reach 8 elimination pitstops. First clue is ontop of the luggage you brought. When I signal you run to your bag, get your first clue, then go to the city and catch a train to the airport.The world is waiting for you, travel safe, go!
The race is on as players run toward their bags. A montage of voices read the first clue:
"Fly to Iceland"
"3 available flights"
"United Airlines flight 1189"
"American Airlines flight 1898"
"American Airlines flight 6363"
Rocky Bal-Bolo- "bla bla bla bla bla bla bla blah blaaaah"
"All 3 fly from O'hare"
"$175.28 for this leg"
"Take the blue line to the airport" Teams take off in search of the blue line trains. Lena and Kristy the Mormon sisters from Utah ask a cabbie for directions to "O'Hara" airport. Ah yes, the world famous Scarlett O'Hara airport where if you don't make your connection, frankly my dear they don't give a damn. Freddy and Kendra the cute dating couple are jogging down the sidewalk and within a 10 second clip the conversation goes something like this: "Come on baby"
"OK baby"
"nice job baby, I'll take that baby"
"OK baby"
"we're almost there baby"
"yeah baby" I think somebody is so obsessed with reproduction that he is trying to subliminaly sublimanaly get Kendra to think about it by calling her baby every other word. The teams that found the blue line and got on train 1 are:
Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo
Freddy and Kendra
Jonathan and Victoria
Adam and Rebecca
Hayden and Aaron
Gus and Hera
Avi and Joe
Kris and Jon Train 2-
Lena and Kristy
Meredith and Maria
Don and Mary Jean On the first train they relax and introduce themselves. Jonathan and Victoria are curious about the hair stumps on Adam's head. As Victoria twirls one with her fingers she says "I'm going to call you Hellboy because of your horns" and Jonathan asks what their significance is. Adam smiles and states "I'm weird", Rebecca nods "Yeah, and he is gay" In the back of the train Avi and Joe the Kosher Deli boys from Brooklyn, Gus and Hera the father daughter team, and Hayden and Aaron the dating actors, all talk about forming an alliance. Gus announces "Here's how I figure it, if we can stick together we can bump the other teams out one by one. Starting with yellow shirted jerk back there" He points backwards with a fat thumb and motions to Jonathan who is making noise. Teams start borrowing cell phones to call the airport and get information about the flights. Instead of borrowing a cell phone, Jonathan asks one of the passengers to call, but he is speaking slowly and enunciating each word like he is talking to someone who doesn't speak english. Hey John, you are still in America, chill out dude! To the camera Jonathan announces "I consider myself a mental magician. When I speak it makes my brain disappear. My foresight is so powerful, I have a way of going into a situation and seeing what needs to be done." Train number 1 arrives at O'hara airport, train 2 arrives a little while after. Everyone scrambles to get tickets for the earliest flight. Jonathan stands next to Rocky Bal-Bolo at the ticket counter and flashes a stupid grin "You know between your blue and my yellow we are a super hero, OK?" Bolo plays along like yeah, whatever dude. The flights the teams booked are: United to Minneapolis-
1- Kris and Jon
2- Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo
3- Jonathan and Victoria
4- Hellboy and Rebecca American to Boston- delayed 3 hours no affect on connection
1- Gus and Hera
2- Avi and Joe
3- Hayden and Aaron American to Baltimore-
1- Don and Mary Jean
2- Meredith and Maria
3- Lena and Kristy
4- Freddy and Kendra That brings us to our first commercial break brought to you by EmyDi: Segment 2
The teams with the delay are sad and dismayed. "We went from first to last like that" said Aaron as he snaps his fingers for emphasis. Once teams land they will need to find a marked car with the red yellow flag and read the next clue. They will have to drive themselves to the next destination.
First to arrive in Iceland-
At 5:54am American flight from Baltimore
Freddy and Kendra the barbie dolls are currently in 1st place.
Teams must now drive themselves 130 miles along this rural highway while searching for this waterfall- Seljalandsfoss waterfall. They will have to follow a path behind a torrent of water to receive their next clue. Lena and Kristy in 2nd place realize they want to take the 1 highway but not sure if they are going in the right direction. Kristy: "Are you sure this is the right way?"
Lena: "No I’m not sure it is but I am assuming…"
Kristy: "OK, well then I will just drive faster because that will help" The next two flights arrive in Iceland within 1 minute of each other at 6:03 and 6:04am. Hera to Gus "Daddy come on we need to go fast"
Gus: "You know I only do things half fast"
It is then that it hits me what Gus must have done in his days as a CIA covert operative, yes I have it figured out! He was deep undercover at Southpark Elementary in the cafeteria as Chef. In order to protect the children he was the food tester. Many a day you could hear him in the kitchen singing about his salty chocolate balls. 
Don't you see the resemblance? I thought so. Avi and Joe are currently in last place. Avi is the only one that can pronounce the waterfall name. He tells the camera "Joe and he have such complimentary skills. I am logical in a linear fashion, Joe is incredibly creative. We can handle whatever challenges we come up against." Then he breaks out into song with the ever popular Gershwin tune "New York Jews in Iceland". Don and Mary Jean nearly get molested by rip roaring drunken locals when they stop to ask directions. Meredith and Maria are still going in circles. Rocky Bal-Bolo and his bitch are exchanging pleasantries as they drive along. They even stop at one point to ask for directions because they never stopped to buy a map. Bolo: "Ask that guy, he's a fisherman"
Lori: "I know!"
Bolo: "Or he's a farmer" Hey knot-head, the guy is wearing hip boots, carrying a fishing pole, and standing beside a stream, I think you nailed it with your first guess. The fisherman asks to see their map.
Bolo: "We have no map"
Lori: "Yeah no map, we need to buy one next door. We have $175.28 for this leg of the race and haven’t used a penny of it but didn’t want to spend a few bucks on a map that could save us time. And we aren’t even the Jewish team." Fred points and asks: "Is that a waterfall right there?"
Kendra: "Where?"
Fred: "Right there" He points out the window at water cascading off the side of a cliff. Yep, sure looks like a waterfall to me. Kendra in a hippie drugged out kind of laid back way says "Oh, yeah" Kristy and Lena see the same thing.
Kristy: "Oh my God is that a waterfall up there to the left?
Lena: "Yeah that’s a waterfall"
Again hesitating, haven’t these people ever seen a freaking waterfall before? Fred turns everyone around, "Let's go, this isn't it" When he gets in the car he continues "I don’t know what that waterfall was, but its not the waterfall we need." The camera pans to the cluebox behind the water curtain, and we go to commercial break, brought to you by EmyDi. Segment 3
After the break our heroes find their way to the correct waterfalls one by one starting with Hayden and Aaron who are currently in first place and Avi and Joe who are in 2nd. Wow, Avi and Joe made up alot of ground and went from last place in the last segment, to 2nd place in this segment. I bet they finish strong, they couldn't possibly screw this lead up.
Teams must now drive themselves more than 260 miles to the base of the largest glacier in Europe- Vatnajokull. Once there teams must sign up for a glacier shuttle which will take them nearly 10 miles to the glaciers edge and their next clue. Gus and Hera currently in 2nd, Gus says "OK, it’s a big glacier, can't miss it". Hell I hope you can't! If a CIA operative can't identify running water, I don’t know how he expects to identify a huge heap of frozen water. Maybe the race should have involved searching for eclairs and cruellers? Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo are in 3rd place, Avi and Joe have slipped to 4th in just a matter of minutes. They are all on the road to the glacier. The next pack of teams are just getting to the waterfalls:
Adam and Rebecca in 5th
Jon and Kris are 6th
Freddy and Kendra fianlly make it back to the falls and are in 7th
Lena and Kristy in 8th
Jonathan and Victoria are 9th
Further behind are Don and Mary Jean
Off on a tour of the beaches of Iceland are Meredith and Maria who have no clue. The ones from the back have now caught up to Gus and Hera, the camera pans to show us a lineup of 6 vehicles. Gus looks out back window.
Gus: "All packed up in a race across Iceland"
Hera: "Man here they come, she keeps on tailgating me"
Gus: "We can't go any faster we must keep going half fast if they're going to pass you let them pass"
Lori and Bolo passes them
Jon and Kris passes them
Lena and Kristy passes them
A snail pases them Meredith and Maria spot Adam and Rebecca and pull up next to them. Realizing they haven't reached the waterfall yet, they think something is foul. It is confirmed that they have driven 1 1/2 hours past the waterfalls. Time for our next commercial break, brought to you once again by EmyDi: Segment 4
Hayden and Aaron have been having a rather smooth trip and are in 1st place as they arrive and sign up for the first shuttle at the glacier. Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo are still moving along pretty well despite the stumble at the waterfalls, they are team #2 to sign up for the first shuttle. Even though Jon and Kris sped past Lena and Kristy to get to the glacier, the Mormon sisters sign up for the shuttle and are the last team to fit on shuttle 1. Jon and Kris realize they should have been on the first, but sign in on the 2nd shuttle. Avi and Joe are pleased to get on the list for the 2nd shuttle, Adam and Rebecca are not happy about it at all. Shuttle #3 will include Gus and Hera, Jonathan and Victoria (who are having more and more outbursts at each other), and Freddy and Kendra. Shuttle #1 arrives at the site of the next clue.
Teams must now ride a snowmobile 2 1/2 miles across the glacier to a camp where they will spend the night. Once the teams arrive they must search the tents for shuttle times leaving the glacier tomorrow morning. There are 4 departure times available. 10am, 10:30am, 11am and 11:30am. The tent where they rip their ticket off will be their tent for the night. Status of racers:
Lori and Bolo in 1st 10am departure
Lena and Kristy in 2nd 10:30am departure
Meredith and Maria in last place get to the waterfalls
Hayden and Aaron in 3rd 10am departure Shuttle 2 arrives at the snowmobiles. Avi and Joe get gear ready to ride.
Avi: "40 years our people spent wandering the desert so we could wander around on a glacier"
Joe: "If there is a god, he has a sense of humor." John and Kris 4th 10:30am departure
Avi and Joe 5th 10:30am departure
Adam and Rebecca 6th 11am departure
Freddy and Kendra 7th 11am departure
Jonathan and Victoria 8th 11am departure
The snail 9th 11:30am departure Phil steps in and takes the snail aside.
Phil: "Listen bud, you are messing up my race here, I appreciate that you want to try to beat those other teams, and I am quite sure you would. But you have to give me that ticket back, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave the camp site" Slowly and dejectedly the snail slinks away just as Gus and Hera arrive on their snowmobile. The snail turns and watches in disbelief as the idiot Gus tips the snowmobile over and it falls on he and his daughter. The snail shakes his head and wanders off to find an application for Survivor. Gus and Hera 9th 11:30 departure
Don and Mary Jean 10th 11:30 departure Lori and Bolo entertain the teams by wrestling each other. The teams sit around and snuggle and chat and some hours later, they see the lone headlight of a snowmobile drawing near. The teams gather around and cheer for Meredith and Maria as the scramble to get the last available tent and an 11:30 departure time. Now it is time for a bathroom break while we see some more commercials, can you grab me a beer while you are up? Segment 5
The night of sleep has served the teams well as they awaken with fresh vigor and all kissy kissy. Here is just a bit of the dialogue that can be heard as they all prepare to leave at their given times. Don: "You look like a Russian peasant in that hat, I'm going to start calling you Olga"
Mary Jean: "Well you look like a Stanford dummy in your hat" Lena: "Ugh, I can't move, I hate camping"
Kristy: "This is just like what the angel Moroni said to Joseph Smith one time"
Lena: "What was that?"
Kristy: "Many are cold but few are frozen" Gus takes a snow bath, yuck ugh eeeew. I am blind! Lori: "Hell I'm so cold my implants are frozen" First shuttle is ready to leave.
Teams must now drive themselves more than 20 miles to glacier ice beach to find their next clue. Hayden and Aaron are the first to reach the clue box and find that it is a detour.
A detour is a choice between two tasks each with its own pros and cons. In this detour teams have to choose between ice climb and ice search. In ice climb teams travel over 35 miles put on special gear, and trek across this glacier. Then using ice axes they will have to climb up the face of this steep ice wall. Climbing up the slippery wall could be scary but the teams with GUTS and DETERMINATION could finish the task quickly. In ice search teams travel a short distance to this glacial lagoon, choose a boat and driver and search among thousands of icebergs for a buoy with their next clue. There is nothing scary about the task, but searching this 7 square mile lagoon could take a long time. Order of arrival and chosen task:
Hayden and Aaron 1st- Ice Climb
Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo 2nd- Ice Climb
Lena and Kristy 3rd- Ice Climb Currently in 4th place, a position that there is no way that they could finish in last place from, they rip open the detour. Joe: "Which one do you want to do?"
Avi: points to the ice search "This one is closer and 7 square miles is really not all that big."
Joe: "That’s not bad yeah."
Avi: "It's like the size of the bathtub in Donald Trumps house." To camera Avi reveals "I am a science teacher so I am fairly logical and scared to take big risks because I have no guts or determination, I am analytical and when I see something that isn’t scary but may take longer, boom- I am right there I’m rushing in." Sorry guys, I have to interject here. 7 square miles is actually pretty big when you think about it. It is basically 5 times the size of Central Park in New York. There will be thousands of icebergs in the water to obstruct your view. The buoy you are searching for is no larger than 2' in diameter and may stick out of the water by 12". Not to mention that there is no beacon like a hot pastrami on rye from Katz' deli sitting on top of it that you can use to track the thing. You sure you want to do this? Joe: "We're doing the ice search" Alrighty then. Avi and Joe 4th- Ice Search
Kris and John 5th- Ice Climb
Jonathan and Victoria 6th- Ice Search Victoria: "7 square miles you know how big that is?"
Jonathan: "Yep but I am a mental magician so I plan on using mental telepathy and Jedi mind tricks to track the buoy, lets go." Freddy and Kendra 7th- Ice Climb
Adam and Rebecca 8th- Ice Climb
Meredith and Maria 9th- Ice Climb
Don and Mary Jean 10th- Ice Climb
Gus and Hera 11th- Ice Search Gus: "Which one you want to do the buoy?"
Hera: "Does this say climb it?"
Gus: "Yeah"
Hera: "Lets do the boats then
Gus: "Boats are a lot more fun and we can make sure they go half fast too." And off they go. Meanwhile teams have successfully scaled the ice wall, Joe and Avi are searching in circles and starting to regret their decision to take the less scary detour, and Adam/Rebecca, Lori/Bolo, and Jonathan/Victoria all continue to fight and rip each other up. Before commercial break we will end this segment with some prime dialogue- Avi: "Where the hell is that thing?"
Joe: "Avi"
Avi: "Yeah Joe?
Joe: "Avi, we are morons."
Avi: "Man this bites" Segment 6
Teams must now drive themselves more than 200 miles to this place the blue lagoon resting in the shadow of icelands majestic mountains. This picturesque lagoon is the pitstop for this leg of the race. the last team to check in here will be eliminated. Teams are finishing up with their detour tasks and get underway for the final push to get to the pitstop and the first elimination of TAR6. Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo finally get a map when they steal it from a helpful tour bus driver. The map only brings fresh conflict for the duo as Steroid Stud can't read the damn thing! Lori cusses and runs up one side and down the other. Bolo tells Lori "Stop acting like a dumbass redneck!" This causes Hayden and Aaron to laugh and mimic them as they drive on by in peace. Once his Leonardo DiCaprio from Titanic impression as "King of the World" is over Jonathan finds new ways to belittle his wife. "I told you we would be going to the pitstop next, I told you, I told you!" Avi and Joe finally find the buoy, no longer in 4th place but not in last place either, these two should be able to overcome their moronicity and get back in this race. Avi gets off boat and raises his hands and in his best hawaiin accent- "Aloha, welcome to the big island everyone!" Adam and Rebecca stop for fuel. Rebecca asks "Do we need diesel?" "I don’t know, I don’t think so." But he isn’t the one opening the gas door where written in big red letters is the word DIESEL or the small white letters on the gas cap itself in case you missed the first sign.
Needless to say it isn't a good thing to fill a car with gas when it should be diesel. At least they didn't start the car. The mechanics were great as they helped a fuming Adam and a helpless Rebecca. The only saving grace for Hellboy was that he got to watch the mechanic suck the gas out of the tank, the entire 90 liters. One more commercial break, brought to you as always by EmyDi: Final Segment
Teams start to arrive at the pitstop. Hayden and Aaron jog up to the mat and stand together as they await greeting from Phil. Aaron holds up 1 finger in anticipation as Phil says "Hayden and Aaron, you are team #1! I am pleased to announce that for your victory in this leg of the race you have won a trip to Hawaii from American Airlines" Hayden and Aaron give Phil a big hug. Team #2- Jon and Kris
Team #3- Lena and Kristy
Team #4- Freddy and Kendra
Team #5- Jonathan and Victoria Jon does a loud cowboy "Yeeeehaw" and jumps around which seems to make Phil uncomfortable. Team #6- Lori and Rocky Bal-Bolo After receiving the 6th place news Lori slaps Bolo in the stomach.
Lori: "We would have been here a lot earlier if someone hadn’t got us lost!"
Bolo: "I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I admitted it,"
Lori: "Blue hair, he beat us!"
Phil looks on in bewildered silence. Avi and Joe trying to get back on track decide to take the scenic route down by the ocean which is shorter in distance, rather than take the longer highway route. Meredith/Maria, Adam/Rebecca, and Don/Mary Jean are all racing in their vehicles one right after the other for the pitstop. They arrive and it becomes a flat out footrace to the finish mat. Team #7- Adam and Rebecca
Team #8- Meredith and Maria
Team #9- Don and Mary Jean Where are the last two teams? On the other side of the blue lagoon. Gus and Hera arrive at the wrong place first and search the building. They spot flags on the other side of the lagoon and decide that is where they need to be, so they go back to the parking lot to drive over there. Hera: "Come on Daddy"
Gus: "Why does she always have to run everywhere?" Um, Gus you ex CIA inoperative, THIS IS A RACE, HELLO!!!! Avi and Joe arrive as Gus and Hera are leaving. Gus tells the guys to follow him, Avi refuses. "That's OK, I'm going to take a look around here myself" The camera pans back to the mat where Phil is waiting for the last two teams. You can hear footsteps pounding and can't see who it is, but wait, what is that loud laughing? It is the snail! The snail has climbed up on the mat so that he can at least see which team is worse, the half fast team or the morons? Team #10- Gus and Hera Avi and Joe gradually make it over to the mat and are shocked by Phil's words "Avi and Joe you are the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to say, you have been eliminated." I'll be back after this final commercial break with Avi and Joe's final words. Final Words
Avi: "This was definitely one of my best experiences being on this race with my best friend Joe is a super trooper."
Joe: "We did things that were just inconceivable for me to do being, you know, a skinny jewish city kid. The Amazing Race made me realize you really can accomplish anything and you have to cherish every moment in life." 
2004 A S S Trivia Champ
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sigpic a GeorgiaBelle creation MMIV
! Seriously, you are a godess of clever graphics. I especially enjoyed the Chef pic - very appropriate.
great job. so much to bash, so little time.
Swami 
