Forgive the delay, my livestock needed repair. Yes, its

The Amazing Race,
Season Five, Episode 11 Summary:

My Ox is Broken!!

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Before we begin, I must thank the Good Lord for his blessing of not one, but two, of the most appalling examples of inhumanity in the history of reality television. And thank you Lord as well, for having the biggest a-hole in the history of the show named for the lower end of the digestive tract.

Truly, the Lord Our God watches over idiots, fashion models
. . . and summary writers.

Previously, five teams set out from Coldcuts, India and raced to RotoRooter, New Zealand. The Fembot twins cried in the airport, but thanks to the wonders of amphetamines, managed to get on the same plane with everybody else. The Diseased Colon and his little Polyp fought over driving directions, eventually The Colon managed to excrete the words "I'm sorry." Doesn't matter, she's still his little colostomy bag.

The Pinheads were afraid of everything, and still finished second because they are tougher than blond CurlyMen. Chip and some useless woman who follows him around (let's call that one Kim) joked about using the Yield, only because it's a concept worthy of ridicule and certainly nothing any respectable racer would ever stoop to employ. Ha Ha, joke's on them, they are in a race to the finish with the Fembots. Of course Kami And Karli went the wrong way for 2000 miles, and eventually finished the race sometime in late August. Funny, Phil doesn't mention Brandon and Nicole, or mud wrasslin for Jesus.

Now the twins are no more, which is good because they were completely vapid and disgustingly ugly and probably a good inspiration for Halloween. Plus they were the same height, so who could tell them apart?
And as usual, Phil asks the question "Who will be eliminated next?"

In past seasons, this was a sure tipoff for a non-Philimination leg. But now Phil says it every week, so you can never be sure. Still, we've been confident that, as in all previous seasons, this will be an elimination leg, and a doozy to boot. This is the TARditional "Tears of a Clown" elimination leg, where a likable team gets the ax and six fans rant on the Internet for three months. No red noses this time, but we might be putting bowling pins in our sigpics.
Yes, if editing history tells us anything, it is farewell to someone . . . someone beloved. And certainly not Recto-Colon and the cancerous little Polyp. Oh no, we need that team for the finale so that they can be humiliated at the finish line.

Cue the credits, which include a dancing dwarf (Twin Peaks II?) and a bunch of hideous miscreants who may or may not have actually appeared on the show. (Hmm, that Alison chick sure looks familiar...)

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Expedia.com, which wants to help your wife get laid by a real man in Hawaii; Aveeno lotion, to help clean up the rash she'll get from that syphilitic surferboy; Denzel Washington gets angry over some burning rash of his own; and some crappy Hyundai gets followed around by a band touting it's "Initial Quality" ranking among the world's entry-level midsize cars. Tangent: Really good "Initial Quality" means it's a really good car, until you actually use it. "Initial Quality" is not for choosing a car, it is for choosing toilet paper.
Next commercial has Ramona Gray taking a bath in all her clothes because she's afraid to put them in wash with new StinkyDowny. And is your dog really fat? Then buy him lots of really expensive Pedigree dog food, which scientifically simulates the balanced diet your dog would be on if your just fed him less crap.

BAGHHH! It's Rupert!

And Christine Lahti is doing a TV movie about how great it is to be a middle-aged woman. Yes, it's science fiction.

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We return to the show, and Phil blathers on about beautiful New Zealand, where Lord of the Rings was filmed. We see scenes of the mandatory rest period, wherein Linda eats, Brandon sleeps, Nicole flirts with Chip; and Recto-Colon visualizes dismembering all the other contestants.
Finally, we get started. Recto-Colon and Polyp depart at 4:56 a.m. She is wearing a tight white tanktop and an appalling lack of appropriate foundation garments. Apparently she intends to flap her expensive artificial boobery around the South Pacific all day. She is also wearing loose gym shorts that say “TexASS” on her prominent behind. I wonder how many illegal Mexicans have “crossed that border?”

Anyway, they must drive to the Westhaven Marina in Auckland, find a yacht and get the clue off one of the ropes. (Thank you, Mr. Exposition Hands.) Sadly, they are not squashed by a Zorb, although one is tethered there in the middle of the night to serve as a prop. As the leaders drive off, Colon exudes (excretes?) supreme confidence. He's convinced he's the smartest one left in the race. Polyp laughs at the other teams and says, "Everybody else suuucks!"

Linda and Karen depart at 6:23 and reveal they've been given $120. As they get in the car, Linda declines a look at the map. Naturally, 15 seconds later they are lost and screaming at each other over the map.

Brandon and Nicole leave at 6:46 and declare it is time to get serious. Of course, these are fashion models who fear haircuts, so how serious can they really get?

Doo-raggin Chip and Kim depart at 7:02 and vow they won't be diplomatic anymore. He promises, "Forget friends." (For those not paying attention, last week's promo clip promised a betrayal. This would be the obligatory foreshadowing.)

Recto-Colon and Polyp arrive at the yacht and collect the next clue, which reveals the Roadblock. Recto-Colon will do this since it does not involve the unmanly cooking and eating of eggs. In this Roadblock, one person must climb a 75-foot rope ladder to the underside of the Auckland Harbor Bridge, walk along the girders to meet the charming young lady holding the next clue, and then leap off the bridge to be lowered back into the boat.

The other teams are all en route to the marina as Colon begins to climb. Polyp tells him to take his time because they are way ahead. Colon says he has no fear of physical challenges, and bungies down to the boat. The next clue tells them to fly to Manila, capital of the Philippines, and find an auto shop called Malaguena Motors. They are off to the airport with a big lead.

Branicole arrives at the yacht and collect the clue. Nicole bullies Brandon into doing the Roadblock, and he whines about it before imploring, "God, help me." Good thing Brandon's got God on speed dial, or he'd have been out of this race four continents ago. Chip and Kim get the yacht clue, the Pinheads get lost again.

Recto-Colon and his Little Polyp arrive at the airport just in time to get a flight to Singapore, and tickets for a connecting flight to Manila that will arrive at 8:20 p.m. They run for the gate planning to claim they have an emergency and must get on the plane. (Doctor-o! I'm late for my Colon-oscopy!) Polyp tells the ticket agent they have an emergency, but it doesn't matter, since the flight is delayed and they have plenty of time to get aboard. The ticket agent assures them they "should be" there in time to make the connecting flight to Manila.
No, they "should be" tossed out of the plane somewhere over Vanuatu, but we're not that lucky.

Brandon begins to climb the ladder and confesses he's scared. As he ascends, a warm quiet peace envelops his being. He discovers that each rung brings him closer to his spot in heave alongside a benevolent and helpful God. OK, maybe not. But each rung IS a step further away from the hideous, browbeating shrew down in the boat. He moves up the ladder quickly.
He eventually retrieves the clue and jumps from the bridge. Sadly, there is a bungee cord. Nicole whimpers, and Brandon glides down, bragging about how brave he is and how this was so much tougher than a catwalk. (Not if you are Miss Universe!)

Chip gets the clue, and Kim tells him he has to do the roadblock. (As if anyone would suggest she might particpate in the race. If this guy wins, he's the greatest racer ever because he's carried a useless 180-pound weight on his back the whole way.) Linda and Karen finally arrive at the clue, last again.

Chip and his anchor arrive at the bridge just as Captain Catwalk steams away, basking in the adulation of the winsome lapdog Nikki. Chip begins to climb the ladder with a mantra about the pain and the blood of Jesus. He is stricken with fear, and pleads for guidance from the Risen Lord, the Son of God, the King of Kings.
Kim shouts up to him: "Take yer time."
Uh, gee. Thanks, oh all-powerful Supreme Being, for that divine guidance.

Chip completes the task, and as they leave, they pass the Pinheads, who are just arriving at the bridge. Chip offers what may be the key quote of the season: "If the Moms can do this, they're gonna win the race. I guarantee they're not going to be able to do this."

I don't know about anyone else, but at this moment I'm missing Charla. What could be funnier than America's Wackiest Dwarf climbing a dangling 75-foot ladder? If that little goofball could have climbed this damn thing, well SHE deserves to win. But, if she went only 50 feet and then fell off? Now that would be great TV.
Charla, please come back. We promise to turn off the electric fence.

Linda frets about climbing the ladder, Chip looks for a cab. Brandon and Nicole confess they know nothing about the Philippines except that they probably have a lot of those Starbucks-type church thingys.

Linda's climbing the ladder with a breathy mantra of her own: "Heel ... toe ... hell ... toe ... hell ... no... hell ... no." She arrives at the top gets the clue, and panics over the drop down to the boat. Oh the tension!!

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Commercials: British Airways knows about lawn pests like cricket; Levitra for "erectile quality" (You mean we're being judged on "quality" now? I'm gonna have to bone up on my technique.) Oh and this is in the margin of my notes: "In the rare case an erection lasts for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention." (Nurse VonHoogenstrass, you're needed in the ER! Stat!); And yes, the Swiffer is back. Swiff it good.; Many people go through life with their eyes closed because they haven't purchased the $65,000 liquid television Sharp wants to sell. (Who needs a $65,000 organic plasma HDTV to watch this crappy show, which is NOT in HDTV?); Come to Lowes, where Gene Hackman promises to wreck your kitchen for less; SeeBS house ads for Letterman and Dr. Phil, who promises a mom her son will be a serial killer someday.

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Back to the show, and Linda is clinging to the bottom of the Auckland bridge like it was Mario Andretti's "undercarriage." Eventually they convince her to let go and she drops like a rock. Karen says she looks like Peter Pan.
(Perhaps in a production staged by the Pittsburgh Steelers.)

Chip and Kim catch up with Branicole at the airport ticket counter, and the men boast of their bravery. The Pinheads arrive and Chip hugs Linda for her uh, bravery. Meanwhile, Brandon finds a flight to Hong Kong, with a connection to Manila that will arrive at 10 a.m. These three teams all climb aboard, fly to Hong Kong, and sleep in the airport to await the flight to Manila. Chip snores.

Refer to your notes. If Recto-Colon and Little Polyp make their connection, they will arrive in Manila at 8:20 p.m. All the other teams will arrive nearly 14 hours later. Cut to Singapore, and there are Colon and Polyp now, jogging through the airport to the connecting flight. But they are too late. "It's an absolute emergency," spews the irritated Colon. But they have missed the flight. (A random twist of fate? Or might the shows producers found a way to insure no team had a 14-hour lead entering the final episode? Forgive me for being the skeptic.)

Recto-Colon and Polyp instead book a flight to Hong Kong, where they can connect through to Manila. They are worried they are actually behind everyone else. Astute viewers realize immediately that once again they'll all be in the same plane. Sure enough, moments later Colon and Polyp walk up to the same gate and meet the others, everybody is relieved. When they all arrive in Manila, it's The Amazing Sprint for Taxicabs. For some unseen reason, Recto-Colon and Polyp are the last to ooze from the airport. All the taxis race to Malaguena Motors. Individually, each of the three leading teams realize the best strategy is to use the Yield to block Recto-Colon & that irritating Polyp.

When they arrive nearly simultaneously, they race each other to the Yield box. Chip arrives first and slaps Colin and Christie's picture up on the board. They proceed to the adjacent clue box. Teams must decorate nearby JeepNees by attaching accessories. JeepNees look like a cross between a small chrome bus decorated for the Mummers Parade and a lunch wagon for Newark crack dealers. All three teams begin to work, directly in view of the Yield sign, and the clue box.

Colon and Polyp arrive at Yield box and Colon bursts his spleen. They've been betrayed!! He stands at the yield sign, glaring at Chip, his little ferrety face ablaze with anger. Chip, meanwhile, begins sweating worse that Albert Brooks. He knows now he can never turn his back, or he's going to get a thorough Colon-ectomy.

Linda and Karen are the first to complete their Jeepnee, because "Moms can fix anything." The next clue says the JeepNee driver will take them to the town of Victoria, the capital of the duck industry in the Phillipines. Who knew there was a duck industry in the Philippines? I thought it was all underage hookers for sweaty American sailors. That, and shoe closets.

While he's pacing around, studying the other teams Pimping their Rides, Colon picks up the timer and slaps it back down. Is there a penalty for this? No, but there ought to be. "Don't mess with that," says his annoying little colostomy bag. "Just flattening it out," says Colon... "Like I'm gonna flatten out your damn nose if you dare speak to me that way again!"

Branicole finish and leave; Colon is still fuming; Chip and Kim finish and leave. After the other teams have departed, the sand in the hourglass runs out. TeamInsane begin to work on the JeepNee. Christie starts on a bumper skirt, Colon starts on a mudflap. He loses one small bolt, and tells her she has to find it for him. She tells him to go bolt himself. Eventually they finish, and climb aboard the JeepNee.

It's time for

Death Race 2004!

Christie is seated behind the driver, begging him to go faster. And begging. And badgering. And haranguing.
She moves up and sits in the seat next to him, and leans in close.
Is she about to lower her head in his lap and "entice" him to drive faster?
No. But she'd be less repulsive if she had.

Instead, she begins shouting at the driver to go faster. Her skull splits, and the evil demon finally escapes.
And when some pedestrians step out, she tells the driver, "It's OK, run them over.

"Just run them over..."

"Just run them over..."

"Just run them over..."

She leans over and pushes on the horn, and the driver swerves and pushes her hand away, forcing her back into the seat. Even Colon is frightened. He has to tell her to calm down before she starts spewing pea soup from her revolving head.
Well now, is anyone still feeling sympathy for street assassin Christie? Why hasn't the JeepNee driver flung these two mutants into oncoming traffic? One can only hope the State Department revokes their passports... before they return. But wait, they still haven't completely humiliated themselves!

The Pinheads and God's Beautiful Team arrive at the next clue together. It's a Detour. "Plow" or "Fowl."
In Plow, teams must choose a farm field and use an ox-drawn plow to till the soil. Eventually the plow will snag a rope that will bring a hidden clue to the surface. Phil says it is labor intensive, but they'll be working with an animal that is used to working with people, so they should be able to get the job done quickly.
In Fowl, teams must work to get 1,000 ducks from one pen to another 50 yards apart. It's completely stupid because it's damn near impossible. Of course, Nicole wants to do the ducks. Brandon talks her out of it, not because it's impossible, but because ducks are noisy.

The Moms don't think twice. They plow. As they walk into the mud, both teams devise a "You lead the ox, I'll guide the plow" strategy. And they begin methodically working through the field in straight simple rows. It's really a simple task, something the average moron can handle. Look, Brandon's doing it.

Meanwhile, back in the cabs, Beelzeboobs is explaining the arcane Yield rules to the Filpino cab driver, who lets her prattle on rather than risk her homicidal rage. Poor amiable Chip is worried C&C will be in "kill mode."
He has no idea how deep "Kill Mode" runs with these wackos.

Brandon is the first to find a clue in the field of mud. Surprisingly he does it without special help from above. This clue sends them off on a 120-mile ride to the pit stop, the Coconut Palace in Manila. As they leave the farm they pass Chip and Kim. The Bowling Moms finish, and Linda lands on her butt in the mud. Off they go to the pit stop, passing Chip and Kim who are still reading the clue.

Chip and Kim begin to plow, with Chip leading the ox and Kim guiding the plow. And they are working in neat little rows. It's a simple task, really.

Branicole and the Pinheads get to the street and find they must get a bus to Manila. Locals help them get on the correct bus. The Doo-rags find the clue, and read it as the leave for the Pitstop. And yes, Chip does read out loud: "The last team will be eliminated."

We can only hope this last team gets eliminated, before they "eliminate" a few locals. Finally, Recto-Colon and Beelezboobs arrive and decide to plow. Recto-Colin runs to the ox, and "suggests" his hideous wench look for the rope while strolling along, mudfree, from the bank of the mudfield.

Now the ox, after a lifetime of being led, finds himself free to lead the way. Naturally, he wanders freely. Can cows chuckle?

Beelezboobs questions recto-Colon on his technique.
He snaps, "I can't control where he goes, baby."
(Same thing happens in bed.)

The ox begins trotting in circles, smiling. Christie tells Colin to look in the mud. He barks that she's not helping him look, she's just standing around. She replies, "There's not much I can do babe, it's underneath deep in the plowed area. Do you understand?" (More sex talk.)

"I UNDERSTAND," he rages, and the laughing ox begins another meandering circle.

Eventually they begin crossing the bank into another field, and Recto-Colon begins shouting at the cow. (No, I mean the ox.)

"In this field!! ... Oh My God ... My ox is BROKEN!! This is bull****!

Yes, he standing in a field of "mud" used by generations of cows. But put aside the obvious irony of the bull**** remark.
Have you ever had your ox broken?
Is that painful?
Where do you go for emergency ox repair?
Or like a horse, can we just shoot him and put him down?
No, I mean the ox.

Days later, I still can't stop laughing at this scene. I watch the tape again and again . . .

My OX IS BROKEN!!!!

Damn fine television.

Beelzeboobs keeps nagging Recto-Colon about controlling the ox. He keeps screaming at her, and at the ox. It’s as funny as anything ever shown on television. Eventually he melts down, and cries out, “Oh my God, I hate you.”
It’s unclear if he meant the ox, the harridan heckling him, or Jerry Bruckheimer. Personally, I love Jerry Bruckeimer forever now.
(MY. OX. IS. BROKEN.)

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And away we go to commercials: Jimmy Fallon becomes the next SNL comedian to fail miserably in the movies, with the help of Queen Latifah, whose role is both a racist and sexual stereotype. Pretty impressive work for an Oscar nominee! … Ladies, Neutrogena wants to put something white and sticky on your face. Now the only other words I heard were "visibly firm" and serum. No, I said serum. … Yuppie Republican dogs eat gourmet biscuits, but their male owners are stupid enough to eat them, too … Asthma suffers should not own pug dogs who travel about the city mocking them at every turn. Good drugs like Advair can solve that asthma, or you can use them to euthanize the dog . . . How did Matthew Broderick ever manage to bed Sarah Jessica Parker? (Perhaps he's got a really big "ox"?) Find out the truth on 60 Minutes, where election coverage is forged but celebrity coverage is important. … A commercial for Survivor Vanuatu, then CSI:Miami; a promo for the local news and The Insider, where they promise to get inside Britney, and really, who hasn't? … Mothers should deceive their children to lure them to McDonalds … Sheraton has he best hotel beds in the universe … your money will eat your Cheez-its unless you send it off to some website bank account in the Cayman Islands.

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Back on the show, and Recto-Colon is still irritated. Beelzeboobs is still haranguing him about controlling the ox, which is now running in frantic loops in an attempt to get away from the raging lunatic behind the plow. The evil demoness doesn't want to get in the muddy field, but after enough screaming, she walks over to where Colon is standing... reaches down… and pulls the clue up from under his feet.
The ox laughs.

Off they go to catch a bus, and really, it gets anticlimactic. Everybody ride the bus. Everybody figure out taxis are faster, and switch. Only the technique is different. Recto-Colon tells his driver they have to go faaaassst, and he better haul aass. " Blowhard, you and your girlfriend just got in his cab. He is hauling the two biggest asses in television.

Chip's strategy is a little different, he promises the taxi driver $300 if he goes fast. He forgets to threaten the man. Branicole also get a taxi, and through the miracle of editing, it seems Linda and Karen are the last to get in a taxi. Were we supposed to forget they got on a bus two hours ahead of TeamChernobyl? Colin and Christie have stopped berating their driver, but are urging him to go faster. He says he would break the law. They praise him for his lawlessness.

Brandumb and Hicole are stuck in traffic with a uncommunicative taxi driver, and Nikki stresses out. Brandon reminds her they are in the Lord's hands, and sure enough, there's a picture of Jesus dangling from the mirror.
An Amazing Taxi Race to the finish, where we see cabs pull up, and the cameras sweep over the ground until the big reveal. Chip and Kim have finished first. They exalt and hug Phil, who tells them they've won a trip to Hawaii. Chip's rational for their first place finish: "God takes care of the idiots." Bowlng Moms finish second, but they don't hug Phil, or the Filipino woman with the odd cardboard sleeves.

Editing leads us to believe the other two teams are close, but we know the Models were on the bus to Manila long before the poor ox got Irritable Colon Syndrome. Brandumb and Nicorette run to the mat with a heartfelt, “Thank you, Lord.”

Now we see Recto-Colon and Beelzeboobs getting out of the cab. They trot to the mat while syrupy strings swell and a piano plinks in the background. Solemnly, Phil tells them they are the last to arrive. Christie looks upset, Colin is smirking. But are they Philiminated? Heck, no. CBS knows I’m writing this summary, and I never get Philimination legs. They hate me.

Phil tells them this is the last non-elimination leg, and they are still in the race. The mud-spattered Beelzeboobs begins jumping up and down, flapping her untethered nipplage, and crying. Recto-Colin hugs her, says, "I love you baby, give me a kiss," and they kiss. I don’t know whether to vomit, laugh or bust an ox.

Phil takes their money, and Beelezboobs tearfully confesses that all she ever wanted to do was run the race until the very end. Which is the same thing Jerry Bruckheimer wanted because these people are just good television.

As they walk away, Recto-Colon is fuming again over the Yield. They trusted Chip and Kim and now they've been burned...
"It's on. Like, It's Onnnn."
Like. Ya know. Like we mean it now.

Now each of the teams talks about the being in the final leg. Inexplicably Brandon thinks he can win. Nicole is convinced the outcome "is in God's hands, and the Lord has put everything in me to win." Unfortunately, God forgot to put some testicles on Brandon.

Next week on the two-hour season finale of The Amazing Race:
Nicole reaches her breaking point while mountain biking down a hill in Banff-fuh-fuhf and falls to the ground sobbing. Brandon implores her, "Babe, let's just finish." (Sex talk for the religiously repressed.) Oh poor Nicole... guess the Lord didn't put mountain bike skills in you, dearie. It's back to flaunting your flesh and selling your body as the good Lord intended all along.

During the rest period Beelzeboobs and Recto-Colon confront Chip and Kim over the Yield. "Revenge would be sweet," says Anus-boy. (Chip better not walk in front of any taxicabs.)

An exhausting rock climb becomes the ultimate battle for survival. Karen and Chip climb side by side up a cliff as Kim watches out for TeamRevenge.
"It's onnnn." Ooooh, scary.

And somehow, as inexplicable as it may seem today, one of these four teams collect one million dollars as winners of

The Amazing Race.

And that, my friends, is more than enough cash to repair your ox.

These reality show contestants need a reality check!