TSI Episode 10: Go to HellWhat a fun episode! We got to watch models and twins playing in hot mud. We got to watch Brandon fall down and go boom. We found out that New Zealanders have a freaky sense of fun. And we got to hear Phil say cool words like “zorb” and “sledge”. Plus watching the God Squad condemn themselves to Hell ('s Gate). Plus, we were finally put out of the twins’ misery, as Kami and Karli (which is which? who cares?) were finally eliminated.
“Bangkok is gonna be the witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness…” but unfortunately, not with this bunch of folks. It was fitting that they spent part of this leg in a city that sounds like a plumbing company (Roto-rua!), because most of their game strategy is a load of crap.
1. Colin & Christie (1st in Race, 1st last TSI) – OK, I’ll admit it, I’m tired of watching Phil gives these two trips. The only kind of trip I’d like to see them take is the one that would land them flat on their faces. As much as I would love to give them loads of penalty points, I can’t, because they’re in the lead for a reason. The only penalty I could give them – besides condemning them to each others’ company – is a small one for driving in the wrong direction. The penalty was small, though, because it didn’t make one bit of difference in the overall Race standings.
Quotable Quotes:
“I’m sorry…you’re right.” Quick, someone go check the temperature of that mud pit, because I could swear it’s time for hell to freeze solid.
“Christie is constantly doing things that I’m, like, amazed.” Oh wow, is that what makes this Race an Amazing Race?
This week: 10 measly Omarosas
Overall: 4 Trumps, 495 Omarosas
2. Linda & Karen (2nd in Race, 3rd last TSI) – Show of hands…who thought they’d be one of the first teams gone? Cmon, fess up. But they continue to surprise by keeping a positive attitude. Even though they’re scared by some of the tasks, they do them anyway, and don’t just take the easy way out (*cough*Brandon*cough*). So while younger, stronger, and fitter teams have gone home, these Moms enjoyed their best finish ever in 2nd place.
Quotable Quotes:
“Are we going to drown?...This is not good.” Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted to take the good drowning option on this leg.
“Your kids are going to be so proud of you!” Wanna know what would make them prouder? Quit wearing those stupid Bowling Moms matching shirts.
This week: No penalty.
Overall: 575 Omarosas
3. Chip & Kim (4th in Race, 2nd last TSI) – Chip, ya big oaf, what were you thinking? Is the point of running this Race to make friends? To have everyone say, “Gee, Chip was such a helpful guy”? No, lunkhead, the goal is to win the freakin’ money. Let’s take a quick quiz, people…how do we win the freakin’ money?
a) By telling the team in front of our team that they didn’t read the clue properly and need to head to a travel agency, instead of letting them waste valuable time by heading to the airport without tickets. Oh, and then when we get to the airport, we’ll let them meet with the travel agent, and we’ll just hang out at the counter while they buy the last seats on the plane.
b) By not using the Yield to make the younger, quicker team behind us wait before following, since there’s no way the Bowling Moms could have gotten ahead of us…oh wait, they did. Oh well, the girls like us again.
c) By remembering that we have to finish AHEAD of other teams to win the freakin’ money and not just letting them pass us!
Quotable Quotes:
“That might have been the biggest mistake of my life.” That’s funny, that’s what Kim said on their wedding day.
This week: 200 freakin’ Omarosas
Overall: 715 Omarosas
4. Brandon & Nicole (3rd in Race, 4th last TSI) – When the Governor of California talks about girly men, do you think he holds up a picture of Brandon? Just when it seemed like he couldn’t stoop lower than his fear of crevices, he channels an old man as he frets that sledging just doesn’t seem safe. I half-expected him to be standing at the top of the waterfall, watching Linda and Karen go down, and be shouting after them, “You blasted kids!” as he shook his cane. And was I the only one creeped out when Nicole told the men to give them money because of Brandon’s good looks? Ew.
But it wouldn’t be an episode of TAR without the God Squad doing what they do best. After slopping about in the mud for what seemed like an eternity (and knowing these whiners was probably closer to about 5 minutes), Brandon wanted to stop and pray. Nicole shot him a derisive look as she suggested he pray out loud while slopping in the mud. We all heard Brandon’s prayer, now let’s hear…both sides of the conversation.
Brandon: Are you there, God? It’s me, Brandon.
The Divine One: How did you get this number? I told the phone company that I was to have an unlisted one this time.
B: Lord, I need you to guide me.
TDO: Look, I told you the last time you called. I’m not a freakin’ tour guide. If you want to win this Race, you have to do it yourself.
B: Please show me the way. Put the clue in my hands.
TDO: You don’t have a clue. That’s why you’re lolling around in the mud instead of having fun in the water. I like water.
B: I didn’t want Nicole to hit her head.
TDO: Why not? Might knock some sense into her. And speaking of what I like, you know what else I like? I like crevices. Go back and read that story about parting the Red Sea again.
B: I know you’re in control.
TDO: If I were, you’d stop calling, you loser. You sound like that idiot Omarosa, who whined for a week after getting konked with a little piece of ceiling. Didn’t bouncing around in the Zorb unscramble anything up there?
Quotable Quotes:
“It’s hard to do, it takes me out of my comfort zone.” Brandon has a comfort zone? The man who’s scared of, well, just about everything has a comfort zone?
“No question is a stupid question.” OK, then here goes…Nicole, what do you see in him?
“Are you sure this is the mud?” Uh, Nic, care to rethink that no stupid question idea?
“We made a horrible mistake.” What do you mean, we? Oh yeah, her mistake was letting you make a decision. Or maybe her horrible mistake was saying yes the first time you asked her out. So many horrible decisions, so little time.
“Pump up a Zorb? I hate this stuff.” -“Yeah, but I want a million dollars.” And I want an Oompah Loompah, and I want it NOW!
This week: 200 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 810 Omarosas
5. Kami & Karli (Eliminated, 5th last TSI) – I never did figure out which was which. That’s probably because I didn’t care. Double the cluelessness, double the loser. They got lost…AGAIN. But what sealed their doom was choosing the slower detour option even though they knew they were in last place. They didn’t want to get wet. Boo hoo. What happened to that sense of adventure that they had when it was time to skydive, even though it put them behind in the standings? What happened to wanting to try new things? Oh, that attitude must have left…just like they’ve now left the Race.
Quote of the week:
“We are pathetic.” Duh.
This week: 125 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 815 Omarosas
Next week: Will someone finally use the damn Yield? Oh please, say it ain’t so…after all, it’s so thrilling to see team after team stand on that mat, smile at the camera, and say, “We choose not to Yield.” I can hardly contain my excitement.
Join my paramilitary org - call 1-800-FIGHT4BEBO.
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