LAST EDITED ON 01-12-03 AT 02:50 PM (EST)

***Official Bachelorette Episode 1 Summary: Bring On the Man-Hos!!!!***

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young bachelorette…searching for the man of her dreams…and 25 man-whores trying to prove they’re the one…and one summary writer, cringing at the grammatical construction of that sentence. Tonight, the tables have been turned! Turned!! The roles have been reversed! For the first time in television history, a woman will be calling the shots! (Apparently, ABC thinks television history started with the first edition of The Bachelor, but that’s neither here nor there.) Tonight, Trista Rehn, America’s first Bachelorette, will be introduced to 25 handsome bachelors, in the hopes that one of them will become her husband. There’s bound to be trouble. Egos will be shattered. (Promise?) Will she find true love? Will she propose? Will he say yes? Will any of the men step up to the plate to fill the crazy stalker role for our entertainment pleasure? Is Tiffany’s really all that? And will my internet connection ever come back up so I can post this summary? Find out on: The Bachelorette!

Host Chris Harrison shows up and introduces us, again, to the concept of this show - one woman, 25 guys, yadda yadda yadda, we get it already, okay? We haven’t been living in caves.

Chris: When Trista got dumped on the first Bachelor, we got thousands of calls, letters, emails, IMs, telegraphs, morse code, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and telepathic messages from men across the country who wanted a shot with Trista. Now granted, you usually don’t hear of men lining up to get married, but these guys are all here because of their romantic feelings for Trista, and each of them hoping they’ll be the last one standing, and Trista will become their wife. (Yikes, again with the grammar issues. ABC should maybe hire some copy editors or something. It’s not like this is a difficult concept.)

Okay, before we go any further, let’s get one thing straight. As much as ABC would like you to believe it, these men are not in fact “lining up to get married.” Check out some of their biographies if you don’t believe me. There is one reason, and one reason only why they are all here (well, aside from general media-whoreishness, which is always a given on these shows). For those of you who missed the first edition of The Bachelor, Trista told Alex, and the entire world, something she’d never told anyone before - that she’d never had an orgasm during sex. Every one of these 25 guys thinks, no, knows, that he is the one who can rock Trista’s world. She is a conquest, plain and simple.

Anyway, back to the show, where we are treated to a flashback of Trista getting dumped by Alex, and can someone please explain to me how on earth Alex managed to convince anyone that he was such an amazing catch? He is so unbelievably skeevy. Yeecsh. Go away, Alex, and don’t ever come back.

Then we see a montage of Trista doing various things to convince us of her supreme wonderfulness. There she is in a bikini! There she is walking around! There she is working with kids! She went to college and graduate school! Here’s a picture of her with brown hair and glasses! She’s so much more than a beautiful blonde with a great body!

Please. Do they really think any of these guys gives a flying f*uck about Trista’s mind? I would love to see the looks on their faces if Trista had gained 80 pounds since they saw her on TV.

Chris brings Trista into her new bachelorette pad, a mansion in what appears to be the Hollywood Hills. It’s filled with candles. Because candles are romantic! Except if that were my house, I’d be having conniptions right now because not only do I have a major fire phobia, but I’m also really clumsy, and it would be about five seconds before I knocked one of those things on the floor and burned the place down. Thankfully for ABC, and especially the viewing public, I am not The Bachelorette.

Now it’s time to meet our bachelors! Here they are, in order of appearance:

1. Jamie

Right off the bat, Jamie throws a wrench into my plans to mock every single one of these guys, because, yowza, this guy is gorgeous! Hey Trista, if you decide not to keep Jamie, feel free to send him my way. I can give him all the roses, not to mention other things, he wants.

2. Rob

Rob would actually be kind of cute if he had decided to get a haircut and comb his hair before showing up. According to his bio on the ABC website, Rob would make a great husband for Trista “because I had a great father and am heir to a legendary Mississippi shrimp company.” Whatever you say, Bubba Gump.

3. Chris

Chris thinks everyone is jealous of him. Why, I don’t know. Chris also says in his bio, “I don't think there is a day that goes by where all of us don't communicate at some point.” That’s so deep. I’m not sure what the hell it means, but still, it’s deep.

4. Jack

Jack is the token black guy. That’s about all you need to know.

5. Brian S.

Brian S. looks like he’s been hitting the bottle a little too hard. The peroxide bottle, that is.

6. Eric

A boring brown-haired white guy.

7. Greg T.

Greg T. is an importer from Manhattan. Just imports, no exports?

Instapoll (shamelessly ripped off from Bebo): What does Greg T. import?
a) Latex.
b) Chocolate.
c) Inflatable sex dolls.
d) Illegal aliens.
e) Heroin.
f) Nothing. It’s just a cover for the fact that he’s an “aspiring actor”.

In his bio, Greg T. says he would make a great husband for Trista because “interesting introductions lead to interesting relationships.” No, I don’t know what that means either.

8. Matt

Matt has large, weird-looking clefts in his cheeks.

9. Ryan

Ooh, another major cutie, kind of a younger Thomas Gibson, although he is treading a fine line between the sexy tousled look and the needs-a-haircut look.

10. Brook

Brook looks like the bastard love child of Don Johnson and Corey Feldman, right down to the bad ‘80s hairdo. According to Brook, “roping a girl is much more dangerous than roping a steer.” It’s so attractive when a man compares a woman to livestock.

11. Peter

Peter can be seen checking himself out as he exits the limo. He looks just like this guy I went to college with named Steve. Steve was a doofus. Just saying.

12. Brian H.

Brian H. looks like a boy-band refugee with his frosted, spiky hair. Here’s a little tip, Brian - lay off the gel just teensy bit and then maybe we’ll talk.

13. Russ

Russ looks like a massive tool, and he confirms this by giving Trista a little blue Tiffany’s box. What the f*ck?

Instapoll: Why did Russ give Trista the gift from Tiffany’s?
a) To show her how much he liked her.
b) To set himself apart from the other guys.
c) To let her know that he has a lot of money.
d) To compensate for his tiny penis.

14. Paul

Paul is another token. You might think he is the token Asian, but he is in fact the token woman.

15. Brian K.

Brian K. is the infamous breast implant salesman. He’s all about class. He compares Trista to a car. He calls himself a “real American badass”. I think “dumbass” or “jackass”, or just plain “ass”, might work better. In his bio, he says “I would never make my wife drive a mini-van.” Isn’t that a nice sentiment. Next!

16. Bob

Bob is the token fat guy. He has the voice of a 13 year-old. In his bio, Bob considers “tall, dark, and handsome — kind” to be an appropriate response to the question “List three adjectives that best describes you”. You’ll notice that Bob did not include “smart” as one of his three adjectives. Oh, and no, that’s not a typo - the website really says “describes”. Proofreading, people. Look into it. (And before you get your undies in a bunch over the fact that I may have copious typos in this here summary, I’ll just say this - hypocrisy never stopped anyone from ripping on reality shows before, and it’s certainly not going to stop me now.)

Bob: I see guys rolling up, kind of flash the bling-bling, and trying to throw down cash or whatever. I hate those guys. I’d rather see someone just roll up and be themselves.

Does “just being yourself” include using phrases like “bling-bling” when you are a goofy white guy? Just asking.

17. Billy

Another token minority. Probably Asian, maybe Hispanic. He won’t last long.

18. Duane

Duane has abnormally huge shoulders, and he’s kind of scary looking. I would not want to meet this guy in a dark alley. (Remember this - it becomes important later.)

19. Gregg H.

Greggggggggggg (two Gs!) is from Freehold, NJ, and I crack myself up over the idea that it would be positively hilarious if he were from Freehold Estate, NJ. I also realize that I really need to get out more (you lawyers will know what I’m talking about). In his bio, Greg says that he would make a great husband for Trista because “I’m old.” At this point, I start to wonder if some of these guys were just f*cking around with ABC when they answered these questions for the bios, because so many of them gave such weird, nonsensical answers. Or maybe the guys are all just that stupid. You make the call. Anyway, moving on…

20. Brian C.

In his bio, Brian C. says that he would make a great husband for Trista because, among other things, it’s a chance to be on national TV. Hey, at least he’s honest.

21. Jeff

Jeff stole his eyebrow look from Richard Gephardt. Jeff’s occupation is listed as “professional football player”, although we are never told what team he actually plays for. It certainly isn’t in the NFL, because then he’d be, you know, playing, instead of being on this show (because it was taped in the fall). And anyway, I don’t think any self-respecting NFL player would need to go on a reality show to get a date. Unless maybe he played for Cincinnati.

22. Josh

Another boring brown-haired white guy.

23. Mike

Mike is all about showing his emotions. Remember crazy Christi? She also had no problem showing her emotions, and I think we all know how that ended. Just saying.

24. Wayne

Wayne wants to French-kiss Trista. Wayne apparently doesn’t realize that in order to give Trista the Big O, he’s going to have to do a little more than kiss her.

25. Charlie


Charlie has a large, square head, and way too much gel in his hair. He does nothing for me.

So those are the 25 bachelors. After seeing all of them, I realize that the Raelians have apparently cloned the entire SAE frat house from my college days, because they are virtually identical - a group of large, moderately attractive, generic white guys, with a few tokens thrown in to keep the minorities off their backs. It’s almost impossible to remember any of their names because they all look so similar, although if you were to guess Brian, in most cases you’d be right.

After commercial, Host Chris (as opposed to bachelor Chris) brings Trista up to the house to meet the guys. Inside, the forest waits nervously for Trista’s arrival. Finally she shows up. Some guy gives her a rose, but uh, dude, someone else already gave her a Tiffany’s box. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that. Peter thinks she has “the total package”. But not “a package”.

Trista has insipid small talk with lots of guys and laughs heartily as if she’s really impressed.

Eric, a smarmy pilot, thinks he and Trista have a connection because they’re both from St. Louis. Which makes a lot of sense. I know I have a connection with every single guy who lives in Boston, just because we live in the same city.

Josh approaches Trista as she’s talking to Eric, and she looks up immediately and says hopefully, “Are you stealing me?” Because you know she totally wants someone to rescue her from Eric. Josh and Trista discuss her plans to “spit out” a bunch of kids. You know, your standard first date banter.

Ryan, who’s not so good with the “words and conversation”, wrote Trista a poem. I don’t think Ryan will ever be winning awards for his poetry, but it sure was a much sweeter gesture than flashing a credit card at Tiffany’s.

Trista talks to Brian K. and finds out he’s the breast implant salesman. Leave it to ABC to find a way to work breast implants into the show, no matter how ridiculous it seems. The thing is, though, that if they were trying to find the true male equivalent of all the past women who’ve puffed up their boobies, shouldn't they have gotten a man with a penile implant? Just saying.

Brian thinks they have a connection because of the fact that he sells breast implants. Why? Because she’s a woman? And all women want breast implants? Or something? I’m really not following. He jokes that she should see his scrapbook, and wow, there’s a line that would sweep any woman off her feet. Creep-o-rama.

Greg T., the Art Vandelay wannabe, tells Trista he sings, and she practically swoons, and I totally have to agree with her here. Jamie tells Trista he plays basketball.

As Trista talks with another group of guys, Charlie comes over to steal her away. Gregg H. looks up at Charlie, in slow motion, with this hilarious look of bewilderment combined with hurt and perhaps anger. Charlie asks Trista about her love of children, and he sits there listening intently the way guys do when they want you to think they’re interested in what you’re saying, but in reality all they’re thinking is how soon am I gonna get into her pants? Trista says she’s most sexually attracted to Charlie, and I just don’t get why, but hey, it ain’t my show, so whatever.

Lots more boring conversations ensue. I’m skipping over it all. Next up is Russ.

Russ: I watched the first Bachelor. I watched the whole show. I don’t know what Alex was thinking. I was sitting on the couch with a buddy of mine, and I said I’m gonna date that girl.

Okay, first? Hello, stalker. Second? You watched the first Bachelor? With a buddy? Do I even need to explain this?

A large group of the guys gather in the distance and wonder what’s going on. Is Russ proposing already? The whole thing is clearly rather emasculating to them, and I’m enjoying it, I must say.

Trista finally opens the Tiffany’s box and pulls out one of those ubiquitous silver charm bracelets. I don’t know, I just don’t think they’re very pretty, and they don’t seem very special when every chick on the subway has one. Well, they’re probably mostly imitations, but the idea’s still the same. And honestly, Tiffany’s is nice, I guess, but just kind of, I don’t know, boring. When it comes to expensive jewelry that I can’t afford, a guy would have a much better chance if he got me something from Mouawad. But I digress.

Russ: I have a feeling that Trista and I are gonna get to know each other, and it’s probably gonna be more than just tonight, and next week. I have a feeling that I’ll be around here for a while. I could love Trista. I think I do love Trista. And I’ve never boiled a bunny! I was Miss Idaho, dammit!

Brook asks why anyone has to show off something materialistic, and says the guys should just be themselves, because girls are not that dumb. I don’t know - has he seen Joe Millionare?

A bunch of the guys give Russ some ribbing about the gift, and you know they all just wish they had thought it of themselves. Bob calls the guys “Homes” multiple times.

Later, everyone gathers in the living room for some sort of junior high talent show, or something, but the only “talent” we see is Bob doing some sort of spastic dance that appears to be a combination of Irish step dancing and break dancing, as interpreted by a fat white guy.

Finally, it’s the end of the night, and it’s time for Trista to retire to the Deliberation Room to choose the first cut. By the way, Deliberation Room? Juries deliberate. Bachelorettes? Not so much. Host Chris presents Trista with the roses she’ll give to her chosen bachelors. Gone is the sushi mat full of long stems, replaced with a dinner plate of boutonnieres.

All the men gather ‘round waiting for Trista. Host Chris give the usual spiel about how they can reject the rose if they don’t want to stay, at which point they bust out laughing. Or maybe that was me. At no point does Chris mention anything about the men being “empowered”.

Trista arrives and gives a little pre-rose pep-talk about how great they all are, and how it was a really hard decision. Some things never change.

The first rose goes to Russ, the Tiffany’s guy. Every guy in the room secretly plots ways for Russ to have an unfortunate accident in the swimming pool.

Greg T. gets the second rose. Worried looks start to appear in the room.

Ryan the poet is next. Yay!

Brian C. gets the fourth rose. When he goes up to get it, he stops so close to Trista it makes me incomfortable. Mind the personal space, man!

Brook is fifth. Brook?! Several of the guys exchange knowing looks as if to say, this guy thinks he’s the man because he got a rose? We’ll see how he feels after we stuff him into a locker!

Mike is sixth.

Bleach-blonde Brian S. is seventh.

Jack gets the eight rose.

Charlie and his over-gelled hair get the ninth rose.

Josh is tenth.

Backstreet Boy castoff Brian H. is eleventh.

Jamie is twelfth. Yay!

Rob gets the thirteenth rose and looks thoroughly relieved and happy. He’s kind of growing on me, even with the hair.

Eyebrowless Jeff is fourteenth.

Last, but not least, or actually maybe least come to think of it, is Bob. Bob jokes that he’s glad Trista didn’t make him wait. Everyone laughs at the joviality of it all.

And that’s it. Most of the rejected guys look dumbfounded that Trista didn’t pick them. Duane looks like he’s going to kill someone. I told you he was scary-looking. Host Chris tells everyone to say their goodbyes, and suddenly Trista starts crying. I was wondering when we’d finally see some crying. No episode would be complete without it.

Instapoll: Why is Trista crying?
a) She doesn’t like hurting people’s feelings.
b) She’s worried that the guys she rejected might hunt her down and try to kill her.
c) She’s overwhelmed by the stress of trying to differentiate between all the Brians.
d) Chris just tried to feel her up.

As the guys shake hands and say goodbye, the chosen ones are all, I’m the man, and the rejected guys are all stunned.

Peter: I’m in shock. I guess I didn’t bring my A game.

Because dating is a sport just like any other to Peter. I feel sad for Peter. Sad that he’s such a tool, not that he got rejected.

Gregg H. is upset because he put his business on hold to be on this show, and he’s pissed because he didn’t get a rose. To which I say, you are a f*cking idiot, Gregg H.

Eric can’t believe she didn’t pick him. I can.

And that brings us to the end of the premiere episode of The Bachelorette. In future episodes, the shirts come off and the claws come out. Get ready for b*tchy guys! There are even tears! This is gonna be awesome.