The production starts out with an introduction to the 23 rejected men. Fully half of them I don’t recognize. Are these the same guys, I am left wondering? Or were these guys that were sitting around the Hollywood backlot? Who was Eliot, for example?And don’t forget, our host’s name is Chris Harrison. You know, his job is to alert the numerically challenged to the final rose of the evening. Don’t you be asking me about the bachelor Chris that got to interview all of the guys.
And Chris is different from Charlie, the winner 2nd runner up in the first Bachelorette with Trista. C’mon, you know you thought it too. After watching Trista’s wedding, you know you thought Charlie got a much more out of it than Ryan Sutter. Charlie gets to interview people for a living and didn’t have to endure a pink wedding. But, he doesn’t get to interview people tonight. It’s Chris’ job.
Chris: Who here was surprised that Chad did not get a rose? (Everyone raises their hands.)
Tig’s Commentary: This is a dumb question. Who isn’t going to raise their hand? What would you say? “Ummm…no, Chris, that bastard did not deserve a rose. Since I’m the best one for Meredith, Matthew and Ian do not deserve a rose either.” Everyone would have also raised their hands if it was Matthew or Ian who didn’t receive a rose on Wednesday. Nobody wants to appear unsurprised.
Chris: Damon, why were you surprised?
Damon: I’m even more surprised that you asked me, Chris. This is the first chance I’ve had to talk on camera since my audition tape.
Oh…you want me to talk about Chad. Well, he looks like a Ken doll, Chris. And you know how well things worked out for Ken and Barbie, so I figured it would work out well for Chad and Trista, I mean Meredith. He fit all of my dating requirements. He is genuine, sincere….what did you say his phone number is?
Chris: Why don’t you ask him yourself, Damon? Everyone welcome Chad.
The crowd goes wild. I’m pretty sure that every row in the audience won a free pizza.
Enter Chad. He is wearing a red shirt to match his very red face. We get to see footage of the rejection. They show a little bit more of the rejection. On tape, Chad rambles on about how he lost his wife, best friend, soulmate, etc, how crushed he is.
Chris: Without sounding shallow or any more pathetic, Chad, tell me what you think now as you watch Meredith with Ian and Matthew? Do you think they have a better connection?
Chad: Yes. It looks like she does have something more special with them.
Chris: But, you loved Meredith? At the time of the rose ceremony, of course?
Tig’s commentary: Because love is such a short term type of thing, of COURSE he’s over it now, Chris. Just like your wife is over being in love with you already and just living off the proceeds from Trista’s wedding syndication.
Chad: No, Chris. I mean, I said that I had just lost my wife in the limo right after the rose ceremony, but I never actually loved her. People don’t actually get married for love. What are you thinking? I just wanted to marry her because I was unemployed and living with mom. She was my ticket outta there.
Chris: Let’s talk about your mom.
Chad: I don’t know who that woman was.
Chris: You should have hired a better actor.
Chad: You know your production crew was in charge of the hiring.
Chris: That was your first mistake. You didn’t see our ratings go down, did ya? And, *I* didn’t look like an a$$ on national television. I mean, any more than ususual. Now, tell me, Chad, how come you didn’t tell Meredith about being unemployed?
Chad cobbles together some answer about not remembering whether he told Meredith or not about being employed. Frankly, I think this whole thing about being unemployed is overdone. Lots of people are temporarily out of work when they appear on shows like this. The question is not whether the guy is employed today, but whether he is employable in the future. Chad is. However, Meredith doesn’t seem to be impressed with Chad’s ambition and assertiveness.
Chad’s assertiveness is further called into question when they show the clip where Chad asks permission to kiss Meredith. We get to see more of the discussion surrounding this kiss. Meredith compares Chad’s sexuality to a 6th grade boyfriend that she had. It is an understatement to say that this sort of comparison is not a positive sign.
Commercial Break and then Rick is called to the hot seat.
Chris: So, Rick, you made a great first impression on Mer. You gave her the slippers and she gave you the first white rose. (edit out: the long description of what the first white rose meant.) And you impressed us all with your self proclaimed metrosexual taste. I mean, what woman wouldn’t swoon over a guy who drinks California Oak Chardonnay of the 2003 vintage? And your disdain for basil highlights just how suave and slick you truly are. Tell us a little more how this show has affected your dating life.
Rick: Well, Chris, no chicks want to go out with me, so I totally have to change my image.
Well, except for the fact I got a phone call from Amber in the third Bachelor, (with Andrew Firestone). We’re going out to eat at this swanky LA joint that she knows about. You may have heard about it—it’s called Olive Garden. She claims that California Oaks Chardonnay is on the menu.
But anyway, back to me…because that’s who it’s all about, I’m totally changing my image. Check me out, I cancelled my manicure this week. I’m moving in the opposite direction of metrosexuality. I even watched ESPN for 7 minutes yesterday. I even know that Alex Rodriguez got traded to Yankees.
Chris: Even girls and small children have heard about this. Who won the Super Bowl this year?
Rick: (proudly) Justin Timberlake. So, you see, I *am* moving in the right direction.
Chris: There was some tension with Sean. Sean, why don’t you tell us about it?
Sean: Well, Chris, you see, after Rick brought out his Thigh Masters—you may have seen the infomercials—we became aware of the product placement he has been doing. We thought maybe he was here for the wrong reasons. And, then he called this a game.
Chris: (*gasp*) Product placement! On a network TV show. Please, say it isn’t so! We would never do any product placement of our own, except when we do. Did you notice the Ford vehicles? The trips to Disneyland? Half of the crap from Trista’s nuptials? The Coke I’m drinking now? Purely coincidence, I assure you! So, Rick, what do you have to say for yourself? Were you here for the right reasons?
Rick: Yes
Tig’s commentary: This is another stupid question. What is he going to say? No? And quite frankly, I would like to know what the right reasons for being on this show might be. What would be the *right* reason to be here? And, while you are at it, what is the *right* reason to watch this show? Because, I am confident I am not watching this for the right reasons. I am watching this show to mock you, and everybody on this show.
There is some more footage of Rick’s little trivia game on the hockey date and Mer’s little confessionals where she indicates that she thinks Rick is annoying, pompous, an a$$, Rick thinks he’s hot stuff, and not here for her.
Chris: What do you think about what you just heard?
Rick: Chris, I was there for the right reasons. I was just thrown into this surreal environment. Maybe I appeared overconfident, but I was really just hiding my insecurities. There is a poor little boy within that is just begging to come out.
Cut to commercial break singing Kum Ba Ya.
And then, we see the funniest episode. Ryan M. is eavesdropping on a conversation that Robert (?) is having with Meredith. She asks him about the guys and he lists some guys that he thinks are there for the right reasons, including Ryan M. Ryan M. says, “Sometimes you have to do something bad to achieve something good.” This is hilarious. Does he not realize that Robert is trying to keep around the people that are least competition for him? Ryan M. is still thinks that Robert was complimenting him. This guy has the IQ of a fern.
After commercials, we get to see Ryan M. talking. A lot.
Chris: Did you realize you were being annoying?
Ryan M: We were all friends. Why didn’t you guys just tell me to shut up?
Guys: You were digging your own grave, my friend. We just gave you the shovel.
Chris: Do you think it was a vast, right winged conspiracy whereby KJ and TJ snatched Mer away from you?
Ryan M: Yes and no. Let me try to be as short and concise as a Tig_ger summary. I realize this is Take 17. The toga party was the night before (did you all laugh as hard as I did when you saw Harold?) and we had drunk all of the alcohol in the house already, so I was sober this day. So, Mer came over and TJ and KJ took her into a room for 15 minutes. When she came out, I ran over to the door like a puppy that had been neglected, impeding her process out of the room. She turned away from me, and went to hug some other guys.
But, on the other hand, KJ and TJ were right. We would be great friends, but not lovers. I need to say this because my ex-girlfriend is taking me back and I don’t want her to think I’m still caught up in Mer.
Chris: We had a lot of fun mocking you. You made this series enjoyable. Now, Ryan R., you seemed most expressive about your feelings. Why don’t you tell us about the.best.exit.ever? It was awesome.
Ryan R.: The script card I have here says that if I call it a “passionate departure” instead of a nuclear meltdown, you will go to commercial.
Chris: And that we will…
After commercial, Lanny is called in the hotseat. Judging from the squeals in the audience, I am pretty sure the audience received coupons for a free Clay Aiken single.
Chris: When did you realize the 7th rose was all about you?
Lanny: Thanks for bursting my ego, dude. I was way more confident than that. I thought it was all about Chad, actually.
Chris: No, dude, it was all about you. Anyway, you made a spectacular move from 7th to 4th place. We were totally impressed.
However, your mom basically ruined it for you. Will you tell us what you said to your mom after the.most.disasterous.hometown.date.ever?
Lanny: You saw the woman on televison. What could one possibly say to reason with a woman like that?
Chris: So you do think she came off a little strong?
Lanny: I make no apologies for her. She is the most amazing person I know. (Do I get to stay in the will now, my submissive mommy dearest?)
You see, the thing was she hadn’t seen me in three weeks and she didn’t know where my heart was. This was her only shot at interrogating my intended, so she had to find out as much as possible in a short period of time. Sort of like what I had been trying to do with Meredith. And actually, I think my mom was more successful than I was at finding stuff out.
Chris: Well, that’s for sure. You were pretty sure you were going to get a rose at the last rose ceremony, weren’t you?
Lanny: I knew for a fact I’d receive a rose. I was even looking at Chad feeling bad that he wouldn’t get a rose because he liked her a lot.
Chris: Well, it’s safe to say that you are a crowd favorite. Who would like to help out a overconfident, unassertive mama’s boy I mean, cowboy?
The crowd is misted with ice cold water and screams erupt.
Commercial Break, and then Meredith is called up.
Mer: I hate being in the hot seat. I rather be one of you 25 than just one.
Tig’s commentary: Can this woman count? Matthew and Ian are not here. There are only 23 guys putting you in the hot seat.
And on a fashion note, I seriously thought that Meredith, being a model for two of my favorite stores—Nordstroms and Land’s End—would dress similar to me. I want to assure everyone that I never dress or accessorize like Meredith. She is wearing a yellow jacket, pink shirt and black pants. If you think this matches, you really should move to Jamaica. You would think that their flag matches also.
Chris: Don’t worry, Mer, we don’t have that much time, so you won’t be here long. We’ve also carefully scripted all of the questions so they won’t be too embarrassing. Now, let’s see footage of all the guys you rejected saying how much they liked you. There’s Something About Mer…
Mer: I’d take Brett Favre over Ben Stiller anyday. Brett has a job.
Rick: Who’s this Brett guy? None of us are named Brett. And would he like a Thigh Master?
Mer: Why don’t you just concentrate on your slippers?
Chris: I’m the one doing the interviewing here. So, Mer, have you found happiness?
Mer: (consults ABC contract) Oh, yes, absolutely.
Chris: Don’t you have something to say to Chad?
Mer: (consults cue cards) I can’t exactly tell you how I felt. You made me feel comfortable and safe. Our passion, like my 6th grade boyfriend, was great. There just wasn’t any fire.
Chad: If I was more assertive or sexually assertive, would it have been good for you?
Mer: I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will not eat them in the rain, I will not eat them on a train. I will not eat them, Sam I am. Does Sam have a job? Oh, and Chad, it’s not you, it’s me. Can we be friends?
Then of course, there’s Brad’s moment where Mer says that he doesn’t kiss well. Brad claims it is from lack of practice…I imagine to convince Mer to “practice” with him. Her 6th grade boyfriend called this playing doctor.
Anyway, a frizzy haired girl has been called upon to show Brad how to kiss.
OK, let’s take a survey. Who has the most experience in the kissing department?
a) Brad (he was just faking his inexperience to play doctor with Mer)
b) Frizzy hair girl (she really showed him how it was done)
c) Chris (he kisses all of the bachelorettes as part of the screening process)
d) Bachelor Bob (no women are left unkissed)
Then, Mer gets to leave. We get to see footage of Ian and Matthew. Ian is the risky guy and Matthew is the safe guy. Who thinks that being considered “safe” and being considered “risky” are equally flattering? It tells me all I need to know about the ending of this show. But, if you want to watch, check out next Wednesday night, the 2 hour finale.
I was fooled by the title. I thought the men were going to tell all. Like who would win the World Series this year, the Airspeed Velocity of both an African and European Unladen Swallow, the winning lottery numbers, where the WMD in Iraq are located, etc. I hope you all weren’t as disappointed as I was.
A Kyngsladye Original
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SilverStar 
). The whole Rick, Thighmaster thing... hehehe Great job! You seem like a remarkably funny, yet humble person 
