The Apprentice 2 Episode 1 Summary – Boys and Their Toys

Tired of good-looking self-centered twenty-something losers who are on a reality show to get an acting gig? Well you are in luck as The Apprentice is back which means you get to watch good-looking self-centered twenty-something losers who are on a reality show to get a business gig. But before we meet the new batch of Trump wannabes, let’s reacquaint ourselves with those returning from last year.

Donald Trump
Nickname: The Donald
Age: 58
Hometown: New York, NY
Education: Economics Degree, Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania
Occupation: Businessman, real estate developer, author, television executive producer and host, womanizer
Personal Achievement: Pizza Hut commercial spokesman

Donald Trump’s hair
Nickname: The Dead Squirrel
Age: 57
Hometown: New York, NY
Education: N/A
Occupation: Keeping Donald Trump’s head from getting too big
Personal Achievement: Staying unaltered for 30 years

Carolyn Kepcher
Nickname: The Henchwoman
Age: 35
Hometown: New York, NY
Education: Classified
Occupation: Chief Operating Officer of the Trump National Golf Clubs
Personal Achievement: Miss USA Judge

George Ross
Nickname: The Henchman
Age: 274
Hometown: Newcastle, DE
Education: Classified
Occupation: Executive Vice President and General Counsel of the Trump Organization
Personal Achievement: Original signer of the Declaration of Independence (go ahead, look it up)

And now for the 18 candidates vying for their token position in the Trump Organization:

Andy
Age: 23
Hometown: Boca Raton, FL
Education: Harvard University graduate
Occupation: Manager at Burger King
Personal Achievement: National debate champion

Bradford
Age: 33
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, FL
Education: J.D. from Nova Southeastern Law School
Occupation: Attorney and real estate investor
Personal Achievement: Not a butler, despite the name Bradford

Chris
Age: 30
Hometown: Long Island, NY
Education: High school
Occupation: Owner of a stock broker firm
Personal Achievement: Stock trading branch ranked 8th out of 171 in the country

Elizabeth
Age: 31
Hometown: Marina Del Rey, CA
Education: Angell Scholar, University of Michigan School of Business
Occupation: Brand Manager for 40 multi-million dollar brands
Personal Achievement: Poet, basketball player, salsa dancer, motivational speaker, film director, occasional sleeper

Ivana
Age: 28
Hometown: Boston, MA
Education: BS from the McIntire School of Commerce at the University of Virginia
Occupation: Venture Capitalist
Personal Achievement: Made it on the Apprentice with the name Ivana

Jennifer C
Age: 31
Hometown: New York, NY
Education: BFA degree from Syracuse University
Occupation: Celebrity photo shoot producer, high-end residential real estate sales
Personal Achievement: Award winning equestrian

Jennifer M
Age: 30
Hometown: San Francisco, CA
Education: Harvard law degree, undergraduate in English at Princeton
Occupation: Securities Litigation Attorney
Personal Achievement: Nominated for the Pyne Prize at Princeton

John
Age: 24
Hometown: San Francisco, CA
Education: University of California at Berkeley graduate
Occupation: Marketing Director, real estate company co-founder
Personal Achievement: 3-time Division 1 national rugby champion at Berkley

Kelly
Age: 37
Hometown: Carlsbad, CA
Education: BS from the United States Military Academy at West Point, MBA and J.D. from UCLA
Occupation: Equity Financer, president of a software development company
Personal Achievement: Served two years as a Military Intelligence Officer without having to testify in front of Congress

Kevin
Age: 29
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Education: Wharton School of Business graduate, MBA from Emory, studying law at the University of Chicago
Occupation: Co-founder of a software company
Personal Achievement: Gave up his pursuit of a football career to help his brother diagnosed with leukemia

Maria
Age: 31
Hometown: Virginia Beach, VA
Education: BS in Business and MBA in Entrepreneurial Marketing
Occupation: VP of Marketing for a Real Estate Investment Trust
Personal Achievement: Youngest VP in the history of her firm

Pamela
Age: 32
Hometown: San Francisco, CA
Education: MBA from Harvard Business School, undergraduate in Economics from the University of Pennsylvania
Occupation: Founder of a private real estate investment firm
Personal Achievement: Walks normal despite the iceberg up her skirt

Raj
Age: 28
Hometown: Vail, CO / Philadelphia, PA
Education: Economics and History Degrees from Boston College
Occupation: Founder of a real estate acquisition and renovation company
Personal Achievement: Can tie a bow tie using one hand with his eyes closed

Rob
Age: 32
Hometown: Frisco, TX
Education: Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Texas
Occupation: VP of Sales for Dallas of a marketing automation company
Personal Achievement: Played 4 years as a linebacker at Missouri State University (but apparently didn’t graduate)

Sandy
Age: 28
Hometown: Rockville, MD
Education: High school
Occupation: Owner of a bridal shop and a wedding and event planning company
Personal Achievement: Youngest bridal store owner in America at 21

Stacie
Age: 35
Hometown: New York, NY
Education: BA from Emory University, MBA from Mercer University
Occupation: Professional model, Subway franchise owner
Personal Achievement: Winner of the reality TV show Next Action Star, former Spice Girl

Stacy
Age: 26
Hometown: New York, NY
Education: BA in Art History from Columbia University, J.D. from Brooklyn Law School
Occupation: Corporate lawyer
Personal Achievement: Studied in Paris and speaks French yet doesn’t hate America

Wes
Age: 28
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Education: Economics degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Occupation: VP of a global investment firm, instructor at Emory University
Personal Achievement: Was one of the nation’s youngest Certified Financial Planners

This portion of my episode summary has been brought to you by the good people at and by

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Before we start, keep in mind that I am summarizing from the two-hour episode airing on Saturday night so there may be scenes you don’t recognize if you watched the Thursday show. Or to put it another way, any scenes you don’t recognize that are not funny were inserted into the episode and I was required to include them in this summary while any funny scenes you don’t recognize were completely made up by me for your amusement.

Before we get on with the show we get DT talking about his favorite subject (himself) while flying around New York in his private jet. “I’m the biggest developer in New York. I own golf courses. I own the Miss Universe pageant. I own over 100 companies. I wipe my ass with $100 bills.” Yeah yeah – we get it. Everybody knows who you are. This also allows me to introduce my newest summary feature – the DT showoff count. Every time DT unnecessarily shows us some aspect of his incredible wealth unimaginable to the rest of us I will add one to the count. You and your family could do this as a drinking game in future episodes.

DT Showoff Count: 1 (private jet)

We also get a brief look at Bill, the winner from season one, “running” DT’s new construction project in Chicago. I think Bill spends more time writing second-rate books and doing publicity shoots then he does building a tower.

Next we get introduced to the new 18 candidates – and by introduced I mean we see them throughout New York in their business attire pulling their suitcase behind them. No introductory little blurbs or a chance for each of them to tell us about themselves. How are we supposed to know who these people are? Maybe for the Apprentice 3 they could put blue dots over each of their faces until the third episode to make it even more mysterious.

DT arrives at the airport in his private jet and gets picked up in his private limo and heads off to the boardroom for the initial meeting with the candidates.

DT Showoff Count: 2 (limo ride from the runway)

Meanwhile the candidates walk, ride in a taxi, or take the subway to Trump Tower - like NBC couldn't afford a limo ride for them. I guess it is more dramatic this way. DT ends the show introduction in front of the Statue of Liberty (he always has to be around women) by asking “Who will be The Apprentice?” Isn’t that place closed due to terrorism concerns? I guess some things are more important then terrorism.

After a commercial break the candidates begin arriving in the foyer outside the boardroom and each has to check in with Receptionist Robin. Jennifer M arrives first and the other 17 follow one-by-one (again, without any introduction to us viewers). Raj makes a quick first impression with his bow tie and bright red pants. Andy says he looks like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. He may as well have walked in with no pants on. I wouldn’t hire a janitor who walked into a job interview looking like that.

As the 18 wait to go into the boardroom they silently check each other out while we hear voiceovers taped afterwards. Maria comments that Bradford looks like he has his stuff together (she wants to sleep with him). Bradford comments that Pamela looks like Cruella Deville from 101 Dalmatians (he wants to sleep with her). Finally the call comes in from DT to let them enter the boardroom and when they go in they find only CK & GR waiting for them. DT makes his dramatic entrance through the private back entrance to the boardroom and comments on how they are a good looking group, which is true. There is no token fat guy or old woman in this show because we all know DT wouldn’t hire them anyway.

DT then introduces us to the rules of the game and they are as follows. It will be men against women to start off again this year and the Project Manager (PM) rules are the same except for one change. A winning PM can not be fired the following week. DT then dismisses the 18 to their suite which looks eerily similar (and equally gaudy) to the one used last season. The 18 all introduce themselves to each other and pop a bottle of champagne to celebrate making it on to television. Wes then decides to make a toast to the men dominating the women which of course raises a few finely plucked eyebrows.

After a commercial break consisting mostly of NBC promos, the 18 split up into their two team groups where they find letters with “From The Desk of Donald Trump” written on the top. Raise your hand anyone who actually thinks that he uses such stationary? Come on don’t be shy. Nobody? Yeah, I don’t think so either. The letter states that one person from each team must permanently join the other team and will be the PM for this week.

Bradford declares that the boys should either draw a name out of a hat or have a blind vote. While the others murmur about it he then states that he will volunteer to go and the others let him. Bradford seems very proud of himself and gives us all sorts of baseball analogies about stepping up to the plate and hitting a home run which I am sure will go over well with the women. Over on the other side, Cruella Pamela volunteers herself to go over as she thinks everyone will get along better this way and she wanted to lead the first challenge. The more likely scenario is that she has a difficult time working with women and wanted to get far away from them as soon as possible. The guys seem happy with this trade, the women less so.

First order of business is team names. The boys (and Pamela) start brainstorming with Raj stating that English battleships are great for company names. Why English battleships, I am unsure. John throws out Mosaic as it represents a bunch of pieces coming together. Pamela throws out Empire which Raj is enthusiastically behind and lobbies hard for it. A vote is taken and Mosaic wins. Raj calls it a fruity name. This from a guy wearing strawberry colored pants.

The women (and Bradford) have their own way of choosing a name. A list. A long list. A very long list. They must have spent hours brainstorming these names. Maria reads the possible names off (including Empire – wouldn’t that have been fun if they both had chosen it) while Bradford is looking for a window to jump out of. It is hard to “hit a home run” when your team can’t decide on a team name. Bradford eventually stands up and declares Elite the company name while the women tell him to sit down and shut up. As Bradford searches for his shattered manhood in the couch seat cushions, the women decide on Apex.

A couple of side notes – I like the names as they are short for summary writing. Also, in my local phone book there are 23 companies named Apex and 3 named Mosaic so I give zero marks for creativity.

The following morning (after more NBC promos) the 18 get a 6:30 call to meet at Toys ‘R’ Us at 8:00. They must all have their own bathroom as they are all standing inside the toy store promptly when DT arrives with CK and DR in tow. Donald asks for the team names. He tells Mosaic their team name is awful and asks if everyone is happy with it. Raj asks for a re-vote but Pamela emphatically states they are happy with the name. DT asks Raj why he has a cane and everyone laughs at him before he can respond. I’m sure Raj is used to it by now. DT commends Pamela and Bradford for volunteering to lead the first challenge and to change teams to do so.

The challenge this week is brought to you by and by .

DT wants his candidates to deal with children before adults so they have to come up with an idea for a toy for boys that will be designed by Mattel design teams and then evaluated by Mattel executives.

Off to the Mattel corporate offices. Why did they even bother going to Toys ‘R’ Us anyway? What blatant imbedded advertising! Shameful! I would never throw company logos and names around just to lend credibility to my work.

Upon arrival, Pamela tells the men to ditch their ties as no Mattel executives are wearing ties. She however can keep her 1980s scarf on despite the fact that nobody anywhere wears one. Mosaic begins throwing ideas out and the one that gains traction is from Andy – he calls it Crustacean Nation. It is a series of torsos that you can attach different removable appendages to. There are different torsos from different crustacean and they each come with trading cards. Sounds a lot like Pokeman (like I actually know what Pokeman is). As the team develops the idea, Rob has a hard time getting in edge wise and when he does the team brushes aside his ideas. Rob pushes for an eel-like character but the others felt it was silly as eels don’t have appendages.

Over at Apex, they brainstorm their way. A list. A long list. A very long list. The girls are having trouble coming up with ideas. One of them actually suggested an Easy-Bake Oven for boys – and I didn’t make that one up. Rob grows tired of the women’s ideas and suggests a remote controlled vehicle shaped like a big football helmet with a face and arms to pick stuff up. No idea what he is talking about? The women have the same reaction. They women decide on a remote controlled car with interchangeable parts. Bradford says no and he is making an executive decision and it is going to be the football guy. The women look mad. Maria, who is quickly becoming the alpha-female, says she wants to wring his neck. Oh the drama. Time for a commercial. Does anyone actually think Bradford is going to win this battle?

After the commericals, it is time for DT’s business tip of the week, brought to you by .
Be quick but be careful - Move fast but not so fast that a mistake is made. Thanks for stating the obvious DT.

Apex takes their ideas to the Mattel toy designers who quickly shoot down Bradford’s football guy as being unviable and similar to something already done. The remote controlled car (now called the Metamorpher) with interchangeable parts is seen as promising and the designers say they will do an all-nighter to design it. The designers for Mosaic must have done the same as the next morning they are playing with a cheetah-like creature with removable legs. I don't know cheetahs were crustaceans. Meanwhile while Apex is playing with a truck with removable tires. Am I the only one who sees how similar and unoriginal these toys are?

It is now time for the focus group to test the toys. In bounce a handful of boys ready to destroy the prototypes that were miraculously produced overnight. Under the watchful eyes of GR, CK and the Mattel executives, the kids play with the toys. First is the Metamorpher, which the kids promptly crash into the wall which causes all the interchangeable parts to fly off. Next comes Crustacean Nation, which the kids seem less interested in. They look quite confused actually. Pamela then remarks that one of the kid looks like a “mini Dumb and Dumber” referring to his haircut. This gets glares from both CK and one of the executives. Chris comments that it was not a wise thing to say in front of executives who love kids and love toys.

After even more NBC promos, the teams are waiting for the results of the competition. Stacie decides to use a magic 8-ball to predict the team’s success. They others ignore her which causes her to get paranoid. She begins asking everyone why they are ignoring her and wondering what is going on. She then starts shouting that she thinks they won so let’s go claim the prize. The other 8 are giving each other the “she is psycho” look and Sandy comments that she will be the first to go whenever they go to the boardroom next as she cracked under the pressure.

DT arrives at Mattel and to the surprise of nobody Apex wins. The girls jump up and down and screech as all respectable business executives do and the team is informed that they get to have dinner with DT and his girlfriend Milania at their residence that evening.

The reward for the winning team is brought to you this week by

That evening, Apex arrives at the residence of DT and are shown in through the solid gold doors.

DT Showoff Count: 3 (solid gold doors)

Milania is there to welcome them. She looks more stiff and plastic then Barbie (which coincidentally is produced by Mattel).

DT Showoff Count: 4 (trophy girlfriend)

Apex has a respectable evening with nobody making a fool of themself (unfortunately for us) and DT seems only interested in what is going on with that guy with the red pants and a cane.

Back at the suite, the Mosaic team is feeling sorry for themselves. John comments that getting to spend time with DT is the greatest reward and he is missing out on that. Well John, Nick thought the same thing last year and got to spend some alone time with DT which exposed him as a salesman with no additional business skills. It didn’t turn out too well for him. Be careful what you wish for.

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We start off the second hour with Mosaic preparing for the boardroom. Pamela feels isolated being the only female. Andy doesn’t see how any of the men are to blame as they were never told what to do by the PM. Rob predicts that Pamela will say that he didn’t do anything and he already has his response ready – “What did you tell me to do?” If I recall correctly, she (and the rest of the team) told you to shut up because your ideas were stupid and unproductive. Andy tells us that because he is a nationally ranked debater, the boardroom is where he feels comfortable and he will take Pamela out if she challenges him. You can insert your own “master debater” joke here. Mosaic enters the boardroom and it went something like this.

DT: Bradford volunteered to switch sides and his team won so he is ahead of all you losers. Did anyone else volunteeer?
Rob: Bradford opened the letter so he had the advantage of volunteering first.
Wes: I couldn't join their team after toasting their defeat five minutes earlier.
Andy: It was no advantage, because of our close quarters he is now an outsider.
DT: Did he sacrifice relationships?
All: Absolutely, 100%!

DT: What about you Pamela? Bet you wish you hadn’t made that same sacrifice for these guys.
Pamela: I’m a bitch and women hate me so I didn’t sacrifice anything.
DT: Raj, why didn’t you volunteer?
Raj: I have three sisters who scare me. I’m now scared of women. I am sitting way over on this side of the table because Carolyn scares me.
DT: What about you Kelly?
Kelly: I wanted to work with this team and....
CK: Why? How do you need this team was better?
Kelly: You are right – I didn’t. Since I knew nothing, doing nothing was my best strategic move. And since it is what I am best at, I was glad to do nothing.

GR: So you are all against Bradford now?
Rob: Yes! He went to the other team so we are against him now.
Kevin: Not really, we just didn’t get a chance to know him as well as the other guys that are on our team.
Chris: It is his personality that alienates him.
DT: Why?
Chris: He is so slimey you need a shower after passing him in the hallway.

DT: What about you Raj with the red pants and the cane you don’t need?
Pamela: He does need it.
DT: Why?
Pamela: It keeps him for sticking his hands down his pants.
Raj: I don’t need it is a prop, I need it to augment my offensive weaponry. My personality is not offensive enough.
DT: Yeah whatever, I’m not hiring a clown.

DT: What about Mattel, were you impressed with them?
All: Er, um, hem, haw
Pamela: They didn’t help us much. They were useless. They were obviously only here for a promo.
DT: So they were wrong? They are experts in this field?
Pamela: The dossier said that the product was supposed to be based on a unique and innovative product but I don’t think we were judged on that. I don’t think they understood the process.
CK: I think the problem was that you didn’t understand the children. You said one kid was dumb and had a bad haircut. My children are dumb and have bad haircuts and as a parent of those children I was offended.
Pamela: I don’t relate well to children, in fact I hate children. If I was still a child I would shoot myself right now.

Kevin: Our biggest problem was that we didn’t have a plan. Pamela never structured a plan for us.
Pamela: Well, none of us could really conceive a proper plan when we didn't know what the process would be.
DT: Does Pamela have good people skills as a leader?
All: Yes.
John: It wasn’t Pamela’s fault, the design team screwed us.
DT: Are you saying that so she doesn’t take you to the boardroom?
John: No, I lick her boots each morning so that she doesn’t take me to the boardroom.

DT: Shouldn’t the men win a competition to design a toy for boys?
Raj: Well, I didn’t have toys as a kid so I couldn’t really relate.
DT: Why not?
Raj: I was using my imagination – and I was too busy hiding from my sisters.
GR: You guys are all idiots. Boys like toys with movement like a truck.
Wes: Well, when you were a boy there only were toy trucks. When I was a boy I liked pulling the arms off my sister’s dolls and I wanted boys to be able to do that with toys designed for just that.
CK: Don’t you think your toy was too sophisticated for six year old children. My kid is so dumb he thinks Bert and Ernie are straight. How are kids supposed to know what a crustacean is? This is America, most adults don’t know what a crustacean is.
John: We were trying to do something new, not do something that had already been done.
Raj: It wasn’t the idea that made us lose it was the execution.
Kevin: I think they just outworked us and put in more man hours and their toy had a better polish on it.
DT: So do you think their toy was better?
All: No!
DT: I studied them in detail – I spent a whole ten seconds on each between calls in my limo. I thought the other toy was better.

DT: Pamela, who did a lousy job?
Pamlea: Nobody.
DT: Wes?
Wes: Rob.
Rob: I was underutilized!
Wes: He wasn’t utilized enough and didn’t assert himself to be utilized enough.
Rob: He is right, I wasn’t utilized enough. Here is the situation....
CK: Isn’t that your fault?
Rob: Excuse me!

Editorial comment: Snapping back at CK with that psycho intense look on your face is a really bad move Rob. Taxi anyone?

DT: Well then Rob, who do you think did a lousy job?
Rob: Pamela did a bad job leading, I was not delegated a task.
DT: Other then Pamela.
Rob: Kevin.
Kevin: Rob is useless and trying to point fingers.
DT: Kevin, who would you choose?
Kevin: Rob. Just what Wes said.
DT: Chris, who would you choose?
Chris. Rob. Same as what Wes and Kevin said.
DT: Anyone else?
Chris: Pamela.
DT: Thanks Mr. Obvious. Who do you think Raj?
Raj: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Pamela. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Andy.
DT: Oh yeah, Andy. Aren’t you some debate champion? Why haven’t you said anything? Who do you think did a lousy job?
Andy: Pamela, she was surprised too often and her penis is bigger then mine so it is her fault.
GR: I want to hear from Kelly, speak up Boy!
Kelly: We didn’t reach our potential so I would have to say Pamela.
GR: Other then Pamela?
Kelly: Rob did the least.

Editorial comment: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

DT: John, what do you think?
John: I think this underutilization excuse is crap. You are supposed to be a leader and stick up for yourself.
Rob: Stop picking on me! Why is everyone picking on me? Nobody listens to me! Where is my soother?
DT: John, why are you so against Rob?
John: I’m not, I thought two others didn’t get involved enough either.
DT: Who?
John: Andy and Chris.
DT: Of the three, who would you fire?
John: Andy.

DT: Well, Andy?
Andy: I disagree with that.
DT: I’m not surprised, what do you think of him Pamela?
Pamela: I have scarves older then Andy. He is too young and has no business experience.
Andy: I disagree 100%. My age is my biggest advantage. I think I worked the hardest on this team.

DT: Why didn’t anyone pick Raj? He is a clown after all.
Pamela: He is smart and enthusiastic and he is scared of me so I want to keep him around.

DT: Ok Pamela, time to pick who you are bringing to the boardroom. I will let you choose 2 or 3 team members to go with you.
Pamela: Why would I choose 3?
DT: Isn’t it obvious? A 3/4 survivial rate is better then 2/3.
Pamela: I will only take two - I figure one of them will go so why make more enemies then I need to. I pick Rob and Andy.

Mosaic leaves the boardroom and DT and his henchpeople discuss who to get rid of.

CK: Pamela did good under the circumstances. Andy did work hard. Rob is a waste of time and talked back to me – he has to go.
GR: I also thought Pamela did well, and Rob didn’t step up.
DT: Ok. I’m not hiring any of them anyway. Robin, send them in.

DT: Pamela, why are you better then Andy?
Pamela: I’m further along in my career, I have more experience.
DT: Why are you better then Rob?
Pamela: His skill set isn’t fully developed.
DT: Rob, why are you better then Andy?
Rob: I have more experience, and I know how to talk to people.
Andy: The only reason I am here is because of my youth. I’m a Harvard graduate, I’m a champion debater and I just recently stopped sucking on my mother’s teet.
DT: Pamela, who would you pick to fire if it were up to you?
Pamela: Rob, everyone else picked him. Why should I spoil the party?
DT: Andy, who would you pick to fire if it were up to you?
Andy: Pamela, because she said I am too young and I hate being told I am too young.
DT: Rob, who would you pick?
Rob: Does it matter?
DT: No.
Rob: Didn't think so.

This week's firing is brought to you by .

DT: Ok, time for my favorite part. Pamela, you are a bitch and I would never hire you - but I won’t fire you this week as I want to keep some estrogen on your team. Andy, you are too young and inexperienced but you are also a loudmouth and make for good television. I will fire you soon, but not this week. Rob, everyone said you didn’t contribute enough and that you didn’t get yourself involved enough, and you are the perfect forgettable first guy to get booted. So...

Rob. You’re fired!

Next Week: Stacie goes crazy, the teams make a new ice cream flavor, and somebody can’t shut up.

"I have just discovered that this object I found is capable of scratching my back...I call it BACK SCRATCHER!"