LAST EDITED ON 09-28-03 AT 02:34 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 09-28-03 AT 02:03 AM (EST)

The naked truth - the horrid, troubling, strangely hypnotic, awful naked truth

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previously on Joe Schmo.....

Ralph makes Ashleigh drool
Matt's wigger moves are cool
Hutch pees in the pool
Earl's exit is unbearably cruel

This week's episode opens with a RV huddle for the cast and crew. The actors and producers are gathered together to discuss how uneasy they feel with the show's premise and Matt's little meltdown at Earl's eviction ceremony. (For anyone who missed the promo all 9000 times it ran: Matt cried. A lot. Copious rivers of Schmo tears ran down his pudgy little face and onto his neatly pressed denim shirt.) It was a little emasculating. It was little embarrassing. It was highly entertaining.

And in a strange, synergetic twist: at this very moment, a lone summary writer sits forlornly in a dingy cubicle, surrounded by empty Cheeto bags and mangled paperclips - the air thick with futility. She sobs uncontrollably.

I never should have volunteered for this. The only good things in my summaries are when I can make something innocent seem dirty and wrong. There's nothing innocent about this show! They talked about masturbation. Hutch said labia. Brian said nut knuckle. WTF am I supposed to do with that? No one could possibly understand unless they were in this situation. I. Should. Have. Thought. This. Through.

While on a secret moderators' board, far, far away a tense meeting takes place.

Webby: Has Pooh posted her Schmo summary yet?
AyaK: You know it always takes her at least a week. As long as they take, you'd think they wouldn¹t suck.
Sherps: Yeah, you'd think so.
Webby: Sherps, are you still posting here?
Sherps: Not really, but pooh likes these things to be inclusive. Om mane padme pooh.
AyaK: Whatever. Bebo, we cast you to be the sympathetic friend to the estrogen set. Go be nice to her. Check and see if she's even started the effing thing yet.
Bebo: I thought you cast me to be the rude and snotty one. Why don't you make sleeeve go be nice to her.
sleeeve: no time. I'm busy blatantly cheating on the football thread
Bebo: Maybe Ice Cat could butter her up with a new sig pic or something?
Ice Cat: I've already given her a limo and a blimp. I'm not putting her in a tiara.
Webby: I bet she figured out she’s the only writer not being paid for her summaries.
AyaK: No way she’s smart enough to figure that out. She tried to tell flying squirrel to play nice or be banned.
Webby: What an idiot.
Bebo: Do you really think anyone cares if Pooh finishes her summary or not?
sleeeve: of course not.
Ice Cat: Pooh who?
Bebo: Then why are we having this conversation?
AyaK: After studying prior summaries and researching posting trends, it’s clear Pooh has started a bit and can’t figure out how to end it. Her pride simply won’t allow her to write it off as a failure, so it’ll just sit here pointlessly.

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Ok, back at Schmo-town - the cast and crew have decided to speed up everything to get the whole show over with. Can't say that I blame them for that.

We are treated to another confessional from Matt where he talks about how touching Earl's speech was. He says things like “essence of life", "makes the world great", "people changing and evolving". Of course, he says all this about Earl - the monosylabbic grizzled vet with toe fungus.

Matt also talks about how they are all real people with real emotions. For those of you keeping score at home: that's episode four and still no clue.

After the meeting, it’s time for breakfast at Casa de Schmo, and Hutch has some interesting news for Matt to chew on. Hutch and Dr. Pat did the nasty last night. He then demonstrates exactly how they did it through the use of Dr. Pat's therapy dolls. You know, after a long night of clubbing in the Corvette, my Barbie and Ken dolls would occasionally do some X and have a three-way with P.J., but this anatomically correct therapy doll orgy is just wrong. It’s like Raggedy Ann and Andy went all Flowers in the Attic on us.

Hutch, demonstrating the subtlety that no doubt helped him land a part as Loni Anderson’s son on a soon-to-be-cancelled UPN sitcom, describes his act d’amour with Dr. Pat in salacious detail.

Hutch: You can’t touch her dolls, but I touched something else. That's right. I made a breakthrough with Dr. Pat in therapy. I broke through her panties. She examined my head, on her knees in the shower. Oh yeah.

(Sadly enough – this is not an embellishment.)

This revelation has Matt looking like he smelled some bad eggs. Or at least some bad yeast. We hear his opinion in a confessional.

Matt: Dr. Pat is so cute and so smart. How could she do that with Hutch? He’s disgusting. He smells. He eats his boogers. WTF is wrong with these women? First Ralph and now Hutch! I don’t get it. I’m a law school dropout/pizza delivery professional. My parents let me have chicks in my room until midnight – I have a X-box and scrambled porn. Who wouldn’t want a piece of my pepperoni?

Hutch wonders what Matt is feeling about his relationship with Dr. Pat. What do y’all think?

Instapoll!*
Upon discovering that the Hutch and Dr. Pat had sex, Matt feels
(a) betrayed
(b) disappointed
(c) horny
(d) homicidal

The answer to this question will be come apparent rather quickly.

But, Matt tries to be diplomatic and fair. He is marginally successful in hiding his seething rage and merely suggests that perhaps Dr. Pat made a bad career choice and that she might not be suited for relationship counseling.

Next, in their infinite wisdom, the producers decide to diffuse the anger and tension in the house with a reward challenge. A full-contact reward challenge where Matt has a good 100 pounds on his prey/opponent. I’m sure the potential for violence was innocently overlooked.

It’s time for Sumo Slam!!!

In this game, all the contestants will don those terribly funny sumo suits. Well, almost all of the contestants. Molly, the virgin, gets all tense and uncomfortable when strapped into the suit. She cries and gets herself excused from the competition. Molly is a smart girl. And if my career was as dependent on boobies as her career is, I'd fake a panic attack to stay out of the fat suit too.

Everyone else seems to enjoy the suits. They all look like Weebles with glandular issues. Matt is pleased that his suit has a nice set of nipples, while Hutch gently tweaks the nips on his. The sophisticated humor works on soooo many levels.

This contest is supposedly for a week’s stay at a luxurious spa in St. George, Utah. I’ve been to St. George quite a few times. Luxurious is not an accurate adjective. The last time I was in St. George, I got food poisoning from a taco salad at Shoney’s. This is really not a prize you want to win.

It’s a round-robin-type tournament thingee. And there were rules and stuff discussed, but who cares? There are two groups of three. The winner in each group will face off in a Sumu Summit or something.

The first group is Dr. Pat, Matt and Brian.

Brian:I wanted to tell the producers to take Dr. Pat out of that group because Matt wanted to kill her.

Matt: I want to kill Dr. Pat.

He's nothing if not honest. After frothing at the mouth and growling for a bit, our Schmo came racing toward Dr. Pat and knocked her flat on her ass. Actually, it was more like on her head. He hit her really hard – she was wobbling around, smiling and laughing and he put one of those linebacker hits on her that basically knocked her straight into the air. Brian shows he’s the smartest guy on this show by immediately running out of bounds so he can be disqualified.

Pat seems to be really hurt. She’s certainly not a good enough actress to fake tears or a coma. They end up taking her to the hospital to make sure what little sense she possesses hasn’t been completely knocked out of her head.

Matt is contrite and grief stricken. He can probably express it best himself

Matt: Sh!t.

But the show must go on, so Group 2 (Hutch, Ashleigh and Kip) takes center stage

Ashleigh: This is probably the dumbest I’ve ever looked on TV

Oh hon – this isn’t even in the top ten of regrettable televised Ashleigh moments. By the way, I looked at the official website and the character of Ashleigh is supposed to be 24. Uh-huh. Of course she is.

Instapoll!!!*
Which of the following statements is true
(a) Ashleigh is 24.
(b) I'm in MENSA.
(c) Joe Schmo is a subversive attempt by producers to show the immoral nature of the War in Iraq.

As the brilliant 16th century satirist Sir Douglas Ault said in his seminal work The Douchebag of Verona, “Me thinketh none of the above."

Kip realizes that if Matt faces Hutch in the finals, Hutch might actually die. No actor wants to die in a fat suit. So, Kip eliminates Hutch. Ashleigh immediately assumes her favored postion - on her back with her legs in the air. After Kip rolls her over, she is eliminated as well.

The final clash of the titans will be Kip and Matt. Matt has what I suppose is his game face on. Either that or he is really constipated. The two of them engage in some homoerotic moaning and grunting before the match. I suppose it could be sexy if the crotch of their fat suits wasn’t at knee level. Like most of Matt’s life, this is rather anti-climatic. Matt wins easily and is awarded his fabulous stay at the southern Utah spa. Don’t order the taco salad dude.

This segment concludes with a sumo warrior pile-on, a lot of dubbed-in gong sounds and what looks like the most alarming threeway ever with Brian on Hutch on Ashleigh. I’ll carry that image with me for a long time. Dammit.

We head back to the lap of luxury house and there’s a special treat on tap. To console Matt after his failed attempt at decapitating Dr. Pat, the producers order the cast pizza for lunch. Apparently Matt is missing his powerful career in mobile food services.

When all of a sudden, apropos of nothing, Brian announces that he just rubbed one out before coming downstairs. But that’s not all. Brian then anoints himself the “Malcolm X of Masturbation.”

The Malcolm X of Masturbation? WTF does that mean? Is he planning on protecting the civil rights of nebbish white guys everywhere through serial masturbation? Does he plan to bring about social change through violent masturbation? Is he predicting that he will be shot while masturbating? I could almost see it if he was the Martin Luther King, Jr. of Masturbation. You know, “I had a dream....while masturbating." At least that makes some kind of sense.

Matt takes far too much pleasure in this conversation for my taste. Kip and Ashleigh pretend to be horrified while Molly pretends to be strangely intrigued (yup – they are still trying to push the whole burgeoning sexuality thing with her. It’s a hard sell if you ask me.

When Matt pressures Molly about whether or not she bops, Molly blushes, chokes and then issues a no-comment.

Instapoll!*
When Molly is confronted with an uncomfortable situation she
(a) fakes biting her tongue
(b) fakes a panic attack
(c) fakes an orgasm
Only Molly’s personal massager knows for sure.

All this talk sex talk means Matt has to excuse himself to “fulfill a need”. And fulfill some tissues too, right Tiger?

Finally, we have hit the home stretch, and it’s time for the Lord of the Manor Immunity Ceremony. Thank God.

Dr. Pat is back from the hospital, and Matt gives her his Utah trip to apologize for almost killing her. That’s a fair trade.

Tonight’s immunity challenge is called "Master Debater" (at least they didn’t call it Cunning Linguist). In this challenge, the goal is to verbally berate and attack your opponent until they completely break down. They call this an immunity challenge. I call it Thanksgiving dinner.

So they have all these head-to-head matchups where they debate innuendo-filled topics such as nice and easy vs. fast and furious, top vs. bottom, etc. etc. I’ll just hit the highlights cause honestly I’m as sick of writing this summary as you are of reading it.

Molly and Ashleigh have the confrontation that has been hyped in the preview about a zillion times. Is this whole Molly and Ashleigh thing a little too Betty and Veronica for y'all? I guess Ralph could be Reggie, but it's really hard to pin down just one Jughead in this debacle.

Matt may have won the competition, but the true star of this immunity challenge has got to Brian. Sure, Matt may have bitten a nipple or two, and Hutch may have exposed himself, but Brian…well, Brian went that extra few inches ifyouknowwhatImean. He started out calmly enough – letting his shirttail poke out of his fly. Then he displayed what he referred to as a nut knuckle. Maybe George Michael can clarify what exactly this involves.

Next, Brian strips down to his underpants and then he takes those off too. And then he jumps around. A lot. And then he humps Matt in his altogetherness.

OK, Brian knows he is supposed to lose this challenge, so I don’t understand the strategy involved in this. Seeing Brian naked would certainly render me speechless, and if Matt had suddenly gone into - oh I dunno - an epileptic seizure from the magnitude of nakedness, he would not have won the challenge as planned. What was up with that Brian? Perhaps it’s time for another…

Instapoll!*
Brian's naked humping of Matt indicates that he is:
(a) a masculine heartthrob secure in his sexual appeal
(b) a flaming homosexual
(c) a deeply committed character actor giving his all to the scene
(d) really really really proud of his penis

You know, I had made a solemn vow - to myself and others - to not mention Brian's man boobs again. Oh how I now long for the innocent days of Brian’s man boobs. Back to those bygone times where we were left to only dream of what Brian's nether regions might look like.

Seriously, are there any parts of Brian we haven't seen yet? Next week – the uvula!!! He does have nice legs though. I could see them below the pixilated Survivor ass cheeks.

And you know what else was weird? Like ten minutes after the competition was over, Brian was still sitting around with his pants around his ankles and a throw pillow over his manhood. Put your pants on Brian. For the love of all that is holy - put your pants on.

So, as scripted, Matt wins immunity and gets to don the robe o’glory for tonight’s eviction ceremony.

When they come back from commercial, we’re treated to an immediate shot of a phallic-shaped fountain erupting. This is the only symbolism I am willing to accept as intentional in the program.

The ceremony begins with the usual speil about working for the man and the display of the lovely collectors’ plates. Coming soon to a crap basket near you!

Ralph actually says something about the plates shattering along with your dreams. Nice melodrama there dude! I wonder if anyone has put theirs up on E-bay yet.

Ralph and the houseguests or whatever they are called indulge in some witty banter. None of which merits an appearance in the summary. And then the hamsters are off to vote. It’s important to note that while Matt cannot actually spell “Ashleigh,” he does strut quite confidently in the pimpin' immunity robe.

Ralph pretends to tally the votes, but the suspense is not quite over yet. In ANOTHER. SHOCKING. TWIST., we learn that the person who won the reward challenge will also be given the opportunity to leave the game in exchange for $25,000. Elavia anyone?

Since Matt was generous enough to give away the glamorous trip to southern Utah to Dr. Pat, she now has the power to take the money and run. Dr. Pat ponders this for like fifteen minutes in a long, rambling speech. Ultimately she decides to take the money and exit the game. What the poor thing failed to realize is that they only offered the character of Dr. Pat 25K. The actress will be receiving a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni and the collector plate bearing her likeness. If she was supposed to be paid based on the quality of her performance, then the Rice-A-Roni was gravy!

Ralph then reveals that if Dr. Pat hadn’t taken the money, her boyfriend Hutch would be taking the walk of shame. Well, actually Hutch takes that walk everyday. Let’s just say, Hutch would have been evicted.

In the previews for next week, we see that the houseguests are all in bee costumes. If that’s not enough to get you to tune in – what is?

*The concept of the Instapoll was created and perfected by the original Moleron, Bebo. This pirated version is in fact a homage, not a rip off. I repeat. Homage. Not rip-off. Homage. Poho *heart* Bebo.