Eggs, chairs and a bus from Hell

First and foremost, I would like to announce that this is in no way shape or form the Official summary for episode 7. Nevertheless, welcome to my very first “yet unofficial” episode summary. I reserve the right to loosely paraphrase whatever the DAWs are saying meaning I might just invent their lines. Italics are my own thoughts on their actions

The teams start-off where they left, in Luxor, (dramatic pause) Egypt. We are informed by our (I’m so happy I get to do more ad-libs as the seasons go by) host Phil that teams have had a 12-hour session to sleep, brak with other contestants, and probably sleep some more before the next leg.

Team Intensity (Colin & Christy) leave at 5:33 AM, where they must catch a flight to Nairobi, (dramatic pause) Kenya just to catch a charter flight that will take them to a “mystery location”. But first they must get out of Luxor and fly to Cairo, in order to make the flight to Nairobi in order to make the flight to the “mystery location”. Confused yet? You just wait!

The second team to depart is Team Token (Chip & Kim) at 6:01 AM. They basically rip the envelope and tell us the same thing Team Intensity told us. Team Wondertwins (They have names?) is the next to depart at 6:03 AM. They remind us that their game plan is to “Be in control of what they are doing” I wish them luck on that endeavour. Next up is Team God (Brandon & Nicole) who start at 6:10 AM with a magnificent sunrise of course it’s a good omen “I put my confidence in the Lord, not assuming its in His plan for us to win but you never know” I predicted they might win it all, with a quote like that they might. Of course Teams Wondertwins & God remind us of the same info Team Intensity told us.

Departing at 6:28 AM are Team Mirna & Shmirna (Mirna & Charla), where Shmirna cannot tear the starting envelope The look on Mirna’s face (Can’t you do anything right look) was priceless. Shortly after, we are treated to our first “Run Charla run” And bringing up the Rear is Team Bowling Moms (Karen & Linda) starting at 6:33 AM. On their way to the airport, Mirna barters with the cabby for his teli-phone “Get teli-phone we give dollar” to find out the first plane leaves at 7:00 AM. Charla astutely points out that they have about 20 minutes to get there. Oh.the.bunching!

Of course, all teams make it to the airport and make it on the 7:00 AM flight as we are shown a random “delayed” panel. The little airplane diagram shows us the little aircraft ain’t it cute? flying all the way to Cairo. The normal scrambling for a taxi ensues where I am happy to report no taxis were harmed and no attempts at stealing said taxis were made. We are treated to an intense Colin yelling at a not-so-intense Christy to shut up and get in. You gotta admire a woman that knows her place. Teams must now make their way to the New International Airport where we are directly taken to Team Bowling Moms who specify they need to go book ticket to”KenyaNarobiaNarobieKenya” I know the names might look strange to us but this is ridiculous.

Now we are shown the pointless cab race where everyone urges their driver to go faster to gain those precious 5 seconds. “Oh baby please pass them” sweet talks Mirna and the cabbie actually passes some cabs . I have to use that next time I’m in a cab. Arriving to the airport, Colin’s intensity is starting to rub off on Christy as she tries to deny access to the airport to Team Mirna & Shmirna. Unfortunately, she wasn’t blocking the door low enough and Charla passes with ease. Then Mirna proceeds to call Christy a b!tch. Out comes Omarossa, seemingly from nowhere, mumbling something about pots and kettles.

This boiling point is brought to you by Coke. You’ll see why later. Alliances are made and two camps form Pro-Colin and Pro-Mirna. Chip philosophies that he’ll be happy if the teams knock each other out. Ok now it’s time to book the flight… remember it’s a race. Pro-Colin Alliance book flight from Swiss Air Not the safest airline if you ask me while the Pro-Mirna alliance (which only includes the Bowling Moms) book with Gulf Air going via Bahrain, via Abu Dhabi and finally getting to Nairobi. This is the better deal. The Pro-Colin alliance finally realizes that the other teams are missing. Could they have had a better flight? Cue worried Colin look.

Colin and his posse finally make it at Gulf Air, and Mirna is pleading with the ticket agent “Not to help these Americans”. Am I the only one who saw the dollar signs light up in his eyes? As Colin is negotiating the tickets, Team Mirna & Shmirna show their artistry by entertaining us with faces (albeit funny ones). I’m somewhat surprised Shmirna did not entertain us with a little dance. Also the Wondertwins start bashing Colin with a mallet, well not really, but they call him an idiot and wished they had never joined the Intensity League. For the second time in this episode, Omarossa starts babbling about kettles and black pots. Give it a rest you witch!

Will Colin become a h-e-r-o and save the Intensity League by booking tickets? The editing is so tense, I dare not move from the couch…hmmmm the lure of beer is too strong… Thankfully, commercials save me from my indecision. Coming back from commercials with a nice cold one, ahhhh Canadian beer! But wait, can you smell that? It is the infectious smell of bunching. Bunching that’s why we’re all here but tonight one team will leave the sweet thrill of this “amazing” race only to taste the bitterness of motel 6 purgatory. Just had to put a Joe Schmo 2 reference in there!

As expected (by anyone who’s been watching this show for more than one season), everybody gets tickets for the flight but not before Christie makes a plea with the ticket agent. “We’ll pay as much as we can for these tickets” His reply was “Of course.”… Priceless (I knew I saw dollar signs somewhere in those eyes… too bad Mirna) So the teams all board and stop at Bahrain where they will lay over for their flight to Abu Dhabi. Pro-Mirna alliance tries to book faster tickets via Dubai. Unfortunately for them, the gamble doesn’t pay off as the plan is delayed in Dubai for a couple of hours. Suckers!

Finally Pro-Colin alliance get to Nairobi and sign up for the Charter to the mystery location. When Mirna gets there she asks if there is still room in Charter 1. NO ROOM FOR YOU, YOU TAKE CHARTER 3!

See if you can guess the mystery location by CBS editing : in fast sequence we see sunrise, people dressed in African clothes, dromedaries, elephants, kids staring at a camera, MONKEYS, and a person transporting what looks like wood on her head. Any guess? If you said Africa, you get partial credits, if you said the ZOO, no credit for you. Wasn’t it obvious, they’re in Kilimanjaro, Tanzania… Okay, okay Colin did spill the beans about 30 seconds before when he pointed at Mount Kilimanjaro, but you still enjoyed playing along didn’t you? (crickets)…okaaaayy, moving right along.

Now they need to hop on a bus to get to a town MTO WA MBU. That bus station actually looked like an enormous traffic jam. So for the low low price of 5 Dollah, Team Intensity and Team Token hop on the peaceful bus of Love (albeit being smelly according to Christy)

Now Team God and the Wondertwins show up at Bus Station. Brandon wants to go to MOTO UWA MUMUBU. If you don’t know how to say it, just don’t say it. Enter my favourite character of this entire episode, the amazing Canadian Tanzanian (CT for short) he is easily recognizable by his Maple Leaf Cap and Calgary T-Shirt… probably got them from the last guy who tried to ride his bus.

The Bidding starts at 40$ for the bus ride. Brandon never having been in a negotiation thinks it’s an auction and ups the bid to 100$. CT realizes that he’s surrounded by suckers and ups it to 200$… no takers?…okay try 150$… still no one, come on it’s a real steal…okay he’d better go for the 100$ but adds in a little shady looks which frightens Brandon and the rest of the Amazing racers who now want to get off the bus. But no, you’re along for the ride now… Welcome to the bus of HELL. Hell it is as they run out of gas, which breaks one of the TAR commandments: “Thou shall check your taxi or bus fuel gauge and make sure enough gas remains to make your trip.” Brandon is freaking out but never fear CT is there for you, relax man, no problemo, more gas, you pay more

The Pro-Mirna alliance finally joins back the show and take the slow bus for 3$. They still get to pass Team God and Team Wondertwins, but the frequent potty breaks on the slow bus minimizes their lead. They try to encourage the locals in their endeavours with yells like : “Let’s go, go,go!”… always makes me want to go faster! They eventually get passed back by the CT bus, remember Brandon no problemo. The CT bus gets to destination but CT now wants mo’ money to pay for the gas. Nicole doesn’t understand that he looks shady and that she’d better pay up but Brandon finally convinces her to pay the 10$, proving once again his lack of spine.

Okay let’s speed things up a bit… Two lame choices for the Detour… Phil braks about how they’re both tough, brak, brak Buzzing, brak, Busy, brak. Since Buzzing looks easy if you’re not a wimp, they all choose Busy, which is totally lame. Deliver two chairs. I guess it’s awfully nice of CBS to pay chairs for the locals, but how about giving them clean water and food? They all do the detour without anything major happening, except Chip who has an Oprah moment and realizes that there are lots of Black people in Africa.

Next is the Roadblock at the Kavishe Hotel in Kibaoui. Phil announces “one team member must summon the intestinal fortitude to down some scrambled eggs, okay Ostrich eggs” Like it would make a difference… I wonder how many takes it took him to say this, I mean those are big words... Team Intensity is super pumped to cook the egg, not so much on eating it. Colin spills his egg not once but twice and has to refill his bowl to the brim before he can start cooking. Chip gets there, does not spill the egg, cooks it and downs it before Colin even takes a bite Yeah cause Colin’s needed to be re-cooked, as it wasn’t particularly to his liking, perhaps a little caviar? Chip looks like he actually didn’t need to cook the egg, he would’ve eaten it raw. The Twins get there, one of them does it at this point I still haven’t figured out a way to identify them...still they look better than those Big Brother “fitness” twins. Brandon does it for Team God. Shmirna has to do it for her team and looks positively pissed at Mirna. And I think Karen did it for the bowling Moms. So once again it boils down get it? to who can wolf it down the fastest before they can scramble enough with the egg jokes to the pit stop. And can anybody tell me why you would want to have Coke with eggs… not a wining combination in my book. Told you they were being sponsored by Coke

Team Token arrive first at the pit stop and win a trip somewhere in Latin America Can you be anymore vague? Team Intensity is finally over hard…it’s the last one I promise with the roadblock and arrive in second place. Team Bowling moms surprises everyone, not really, they must always be hungry and finish in third. Team God, with help from the man upstairs, finish the egg, do the zip line thing Which I didn’t mention before because it is so lame. Well maybe except for the girly cry Brandon let out when he went through. I know it was you Brandon, don’t try and pin it on Nicole. They finish fourth. It’s a battle between the WonderTwins and Mirna and Shmirna… but wait we see the Wondertwins finish fifth. It must be a non-elimination leg then. Elimination, non-elimination, the suspense is killing me. not really but I am out of beer... things look bleak.

And then they arrive at the mat, greeted by Phil with his eternal : “Mirna and Shmirna, you’re the last Team to arrive… eternity…elimination…non-elimination…I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been eliminated.” I cheer I cheer, I rummage through my fridge and find a Smirnoff Ice…that’s bad…It has alcohol…that’s good. Cue sad music and Phil has an Oprah moment “Shmirna, you wanted to prove something to other small people in the world” OMG he’s got tears in his eyes… I bet Jiffy is laughing so hard…well I am. Shmirna says : “I wanted to prove how much I can do and it’s not easy when You have a team-mate as lame as Mirna some people pointing down at you Run Shmirna run, hurry Shmirna brak brak, sniff, sniff, bouhou, hugs all around

Next week Nicole gets scared that Brandon is spending all Her money I mean their money and Colin finally snaps and possibly goes to jail.

One day I'm gonna own a big sports bar!