Memo To All Employees:
The New Company Policy
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Pride sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we
assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
paycheck.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4, and Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they
can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take
a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
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Nobody every says "hee Silver".
