Official Trista & Ryan Wedding Episode #1 Summary: The Rules of Engagement

It’s a classic fairy tale…

Girl gets dumped on TV.
Girl goes back on TV.
Girl meets 25 boys on TV.
Girl slides down boy’s pole.
Girl and boy declare their love.
Girl and boy decide on an intimate wedding in front of a national audience.

I never get tired of reliving that classic tale. At least, that’s what ABC hopes.

Our show introduction promises us fairy tales, friendship, debauchery, conflict, tears, pink, pink, more pink, and multiple “will they or won’t they” moments. We’re also subjected to the past seven months of media whoredom. Ryan admits it’s been hard “balancing the fire job”. He also vows that they won’t be having a Strawberry Shortcake wedding. Don’t be too sure, Fire Job Boy.

This isn’t going to just be a summary. This is also an instructional guide on the intricate process of planning a wedding. Along the way, I’ll be introducing you to various rules that apply to wedding planning.

Rule #1: Wedding planners don’t look like JLo unless you’re in the movies. Except that real wedding planners may also have big asses.

Meet Mindy – wedding planner, name dropper. While she and Trista talk, it sounds like they’re on helium.

Rule #2: Girls plan weddings from birth. Guys plan weddings when girls tell them to.

After Mindy drops a few names and Trista says “pink” a few dozen times, Trista pulls out her wedding book. No, the wedding book was not just a made-up object for obsessive Monica on “Friends”. Most girls have been working on their wedding book in one form or another for decades. You know how the girls were separated from the boys in fourth grade to discuss “the facts of life”? Yup, girls were shown how to put together a wedding book. Trista points out all of the things that she would love if only they were pink. After discussing how much pink they can insert into the wedding, Trista and Mindy settle on the wedding colors.

QUIZ!
The wedding colors are:
a) red, white, and blue.
b) green, orange, and purple.
c) pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, black, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, white, pink, pink, pink, and pink.

Since Trista got to pick her wedding color, she decides that the first meeting went well. It’s time to introduce Ryan to the wedding planner. He’s engrossed in making a peanut butter sandwich. She pours on the baby talk as she asks if it’s for her. Baby talk don’t work on our boy, and he decides to eat the sandwich himself. Enjoy it while you can, Ryan – this is the last decision you’ll get to make for yourself for awhile (like the rest of your life!). I think this moment was included in the program to remind us that Ryan does indeed have a spine.

Trista and Ryan get in the limo to meet Mindy, who greets them both with a big hug. Mindy has set up a team of designers and tells Ryan that this will be fun. The look on Ryan’s face suggests that getting mugged would be more fun.

Rule #3: Brides say they want the groom to have fun during wedding planning. Of course, they are using the obscure meaning of the word fun…the one that refers to being led around the nose and having no input whatsoever.

First stop, Mark the florist. He did the flowers for Charlie Sheen’s latest wedding, Adam Sandler’s wedding, blah blah blah. The only thing that they have in common with Trista is no acting ability whatsoever. Isn’t Trista lucky to have someone like him handling her flowers? But I digress. Mark has some table arrangements set up for Trista and Ryan to see. “I think this is great,” Trista says. Finally, she remembers that there are two people in this couple, takes Ryan’s arm, and says “we”. Yeah, hon. I heard him piping up loud and clear. Not. Mark is quick to ask Trista for her opinions and offer suggestions, such as trailing ivy along the tables. (After all, it’s not like people are going to want to be able to put food on their plates, so they can just enjoy having foliage trail in their salmon or whatever.) At one point, Ryan rolls his eyes and says, “I’m here too, Mark.”

When Mr. B and I got engaged, one of his friends sent him a card. Basically, the card said the day was all about me, and that the groom was just Rentalboy. At this point, I want to send this card to Ryan. He hasn’t been clued in just yet.

Rule #4: Think pink is a good wedding color? Watch “Steel Magnolias” again to see how too much pink can be oh, so wrong.

Trista likes the table arrangement that is…you guessed it, pink. Ryan shows the incredible compromising skills needed to marry a princess when he asks for some white and silver tables “for him”. I’m picturing it now…40 pink tables, with a white table and a silver table crammed in the corner near the kitchen. Yup, that’s what’s gonna happen. If anyone doubts that, I’d just like to remind you of Mark’s response to Ryan’s statement. “Oh, you’re going to be there?” Poor Ryan resists the urge to take one of those table arrangements and give Mark a reception he’d never forget.

Easy wedding tip: If you’d like to have as much pink as Trista, but don’t have a major network footing the bill for your wedding, buy a couple of bottles of Pepto-Bismal and calamine lotion and splash them on the walls. You’ll get the same effect. Make sure to keep extra bottles of Pepto around for your guests. They’ll thank you later.

Rule #5: There is no way for the groom to maintain his masculinity during the wedding planning process, other than leaving the country.

Back in the limo, Ryan looks extremely uncomfortable with the wedding book on his lap. That book is worse than kryptonite when it comes to draining him of his manhood. Then Mindy pulls out Ryan’s Wedding Survival Kit. Ryan shows some signs of life as he wonders if there’s morphine involved. Sorry Ryan, but it does include a list of answers that you can give Trista during the day, such as “Whatever you want, honey” and “Do you think that might be just a little too much pink?”

Now it’s off to Lenox, for their specially designed china for their reception. Lenox has designed special china for some very rich and famous people. Aren’t Trista and Ryan lucky to be having china designed especially for them? At this point, I’m screaming at the wedding planner, “No, they’re not lucky, they SOLD THEIR SOULS. Ryan just wants something waterproof that won’t spill. Sorry Ryan, but we’re at Lenox, not Chinette. The deer in the headlights look returns when the china designer suggests that they could have pink china. Trista realizes that as much as she loves pink, her fireMAN may not be willing to eat off of pink plates for the rest of his life. The china designer tries a different tactic by calling it a “champagne” tint. Yeah, like that’s more butch.

Trista explains to the audience that Ryan doesn’t care as much for planning the wedding as she does. Duh. Ryan says he’s trying, but it’s tedious and boring. Once again, we see that men are from Mars, and women are from Rodeo Drive.

Rule #6: Invitations can express parts of your soul that you never wanted exposed. Like the parts that are whipped.

Now our happy trio heads over to Lehr & Black, who’ve designed invitations for all sorts of famous people. Isn’t Trista lucky that they’re designing hers? Note to self: Should have made AyaK spring for barf bags before I agreed to write about this dreck.

The invitation designer pulls out little Barbie clothes, which will be the shower invitations. Trista puts her baby voice back on – not hard, since she easily slips into it for most of the episode – and coos over the cutey-wutey little invitations while Ryan realizes he has become a Ken doll (even down to the anatomy or lack thereof). Surprise, surprise. Ryan is not that enthused about all the pink at the wedding. After all, “there are going to be males…men…at this wedding.” I had to rewind and check this, because I was trying to figure out the significance of inviting mailmen to their wedding.

Now we’re off to meet Michael, aka Cake Boy. Trista oohs and aahs over the lovely cakes, especially the pink one. Ryan looks so bored, and he doesn’t even perk up when it’s time for the best part of the whole ordeal – the tasting. Trista says that they both like desserts, so it should be easy to agree. Ryan says which one is his favorite, and Trista immediately gives him the “I don’t think so” look before picking her favorites.

Show of hands…when Trista mentioned the red velvet cake, who was hoping they’d make one in the shape of an armadillo?

Rule #7a: Women want men to wear a wedding ring so they can show off their property in the open market.

Rule #7b: Those songs about women just wanting a band of gold? Total fiction.

Now they’re off to the ring designer, who has made rings for all sorts of famous people who have been around for longer than 15 minutes. Aren’t Trista and Ryan lucky to have these rings specially designed for them? I no longer have things to throw at the TV. Trista thought it was wild seeing a ring on Ryan’s finger. Ryan told her it burned. That’s not the last burning sensation you’ll be left with, based on those bachelor party previews we keep seeing…Trista coos over the prospect of having 200 diamonds in her ring.

Anyway, Trista loved dealing with all of these fabulous people. Ryan found the whole process exhausting.

We’re now shown a sign to let us know that some of the “action” in this episode takes place in Vail. Trista explains that this whole thing is not about her. I’m laughing too hard to hear the rest of what she’s saying, but I think it has something to do with her family feeling left out.

We’re then witnesses to a phone call between Daddy and his little girl.

Dad: Honey, we feel like we’re missing part of this pro-

Trista: Well, you know, you can always send me an email when you have questions.

Dad: Yes, hon-

Trista: Don’t you know how to pick up a phone?

Dad: Ye-

Trista: Dad, I know this is about the money. If you were actually paying for any of this, I’d have to tell you enough to make you pay for it. Either that, or I’d have to talk in my baby voice until you bought me off. But since you’re not paying, just call my publicist when you want any personal details.

Dad: B-

Trista: Are we cool?

Dad: I want you to be happy.

Trista is happy, because he “definitely understands”.

Rule #8: When Daddy says “I just want you to be happy” instead of “yes” when asked a direct question, then the answer to the question is not “yes”.

Rule #9: Daddy’s involvement in any wedding only lasts as long as his line of credit at the bank.

Next, we’re off to the wedding location with Trista, Ryan, and Mindy. They obviously had a full tank of helium in the limo, as Trista keeps squeaking, “It’s preeeety!” as she looks at the cabanas around the pool for the rehearsal dinner.

Rule #10: Rehearsal dinner + swimming pool = drunken people spoiling hair and makeup by throwing bridesmaids into the pool.

Trista takes a moment to have a serious conversation with Mindy about keeping the parents involved. She wants the wedding planner to drop them an email or leave them voice mail every once in awhile so they stop bugging her. Mindy suggests emailing them pictures. They may not be pictures of Trista’s stuff, but it should get them off her back. Trista squeals and decides to coo annoyingly over the gazebo. If Ryan isn’t diabetic from all the sugar he’s enduring right now, I don’t know what could get to him. As Mindy walks Trista down to Ryan, simulating the walk down the aisle on the big day, both Trista and Ryan start to realize what the hell they’re getting themselves into.

Mindy suggests Trista start to practice her “princess wave”. This ain’t the freakin’ Miss America pageant, it’s a wedding, damn it. No waving.

After a commercial break (sorry I haven’t mentioned the others, there have just been too many of them), we’re whisked away to New York, where the couple decides to surprise their friends by sending a picture of themselves and telling everyone to get to New York now. Obviously, none of their friends have lives or anything important going on, because they drop everything and head to New York the next day.

First, Mom gets there, to take her little girl to Badgely-Mishka for a wedding dress fashion show. Isn’t Trista lucky to have her own dress designed by these fabulous designers who normally only work for famous people? Mom gets emotional watching Trista model a dress…or is it just a reaction to all of the champagne she drank during the fashion show? Whatever, she realizes it’s time to let her only little girl go.

Then they meet with Stewart Weisman to design her shoe. He’s designed all sorts of famous shoes, including shoes for the Academy Awards that were worth over a million dollars. Where’s that barf bag? He tells Trista he’s going to adorn her shoe with platinum and diamonds, making it the most expensive wedding shoe ever. As she tries on shoes, he sketches what Her shoe will look like. I wonder if she’s going to break an ankle wearing a heel that high.

Rule #11: Be prepared for extensive grilling by friends of the bride and groom.

It’s party time, and the gang’s ready to really put Ryan and Trista through the ringer. After all, it’s all so unreal. How can they really know if their feelings are genuine? The girls ask Ryan what made him fall in love with Trista, and he said her chest. Ah, that put their minds at ease.

Ryan announces that they asked them all to come to New York because they will be the wedding party. He then says his brother Chris will be his best man. Trista says her friend Sarah will be her maid of honor. Sarah says that Trista had been her maid of honor five years ago.

Etiquette alert: Um, if Sarah had a maid of honor five years ago, that implies she’s gotten married. Therefore, she should be referred to as matron of honor. But ABC would never refer to matrons, except on prison shows, so they just call her a maid.

The next day, it’s time to shop for bridesmaids’ dresses and tuxedos. The ladies sip champagne and coo over the different dresses, deciding that they are going to wear different styles, but in the same colors. See if you can guess what color the dresses are going to be. I knew you could.

Meanwhile, the guys are treating Kenneth Cole’s boutique like a fraternity house, picking each other up, throwing things, and feeling up the mannequins. Ryan insists that they will not be wearing pink, despite what his bride wants. They will be wearing white ties.

Groomsman Ben says, “If we do wear pink ties, then we’ll know who wears the pants.” I like Ben.

Rule #12: Just because the groom gets to pick what he wears to the wedding doesn’t mean he’s wearing the pants in the relationship.

The gang gets back together for dinner to end the weekend. The guys start things off by criticizing Ryan’s poetic prowess. As his brother put it, “Romantic? Yes. Thoughtful? Yes. Poetic? No chance in hell.”

Groomsman Pete again says it’s a surreal, unreal situation. (Um, Pete, they call it a Reality show. Are you trying to say Reality shows aren’t real? I like you too.) He’s concerned that Trista and Ryan aren’t on the same level. After all, he tells her friend Angela that he thinks Trista is “high-maintenance”. Angela says she’s a “girly-girl”. Apparently, Pete is worried because he and his buddies are the kind of guys who would do everything for the woman they loved. (Psst, Pete, Ryan isn’t like that. For example, he didn’t give Trista the peanut butter sandwich earlier in the episode.) He’s worried that Trista will use that information in a bad way.

Rule #13: This for the groomsmen: Want to know how NOT to get laid after the reception? Slam the bride to one of her friends.

Pete then stands up and decides to “bring some reality” to the proceedings. He explains that his father taught him what to look for in a bride: someone to do bag drills, with good birthing hips and nice teeth. He doesn’t know about the first two, but he does think Trista has nice teeth.

Rule #14: Want to toast the happy couple? Practice beforehand. Some things that seem like good ideas just sound stupid when you say them out loud.

Chris and Sarah then give the happy couple boxes that contain goofy invitations to the bachelor/bachelorette parties. Again, we realize that these people don’t have real lives, as they head off to St. Martin.

When we get to St. Martin, there are allegedly more friends to meet. I say “allegedly” because the only ones we’re shown on camera are former Bachelor contestants Russ, Bob, and Shannon. Russ insists that he and Ryan became good friends during the filming of The Bachelorette, when he wasn’t stalking Trista. Oh, we do meet another person when Ryan’s dad Bob walks in with Trista’s dad Stan. Ryan’s dad explains that his father and future father-in-law were at his bachelor party. He plans to sit back, watch, and learn.

Rule #15: Fathers don’t really want to know what their son/future son-in-law is or isn’t doing at the bachelor party, unless they’re looking for an excuse to break off the wedding.

Next week on Trista & Ryan’s wedding…PARTY! But the party is not without conflict. Can their relationship survive?

In two weeks…it’s the wedding you’ve all been waiting for. So obviously, we get the answer to that question. Whew. I’ll be able to sleep now. I’m sure you will be too. Now my Thanksgiving won’t be ruined by all of those fears and doubts that those two crazy kids won’t make it to the altar.

Rule #16: If your wedding is being televised, and the producers are trying to create suspense over whether the wedding will take place, don’t immediately follow up with a preview saying that the wedding is taking place.

During the closing credits, we get to watch Trista and Ryan taking dancing lessons. Or, more accurately, Ryan watching Trista dancing with the instructor. There’s a big dip ending. In more ways than one.

We really do have guidelines here. Believe it or not, the Guidelines make things more fun. Really.