My Mission Statement

by Shakes the Clown:

After eleven weeks of writing summaries for this god awful show I have come to the following conclusion........the Survivors are hungry. In fact, they’re very hungry. And in case we haven’t fully grasped that concept, it has been shoved down our throat repeatedly and redundantly in every fricken episode.

I, for one, have had enough. I refuse to dedicate even one more consonant to the topic of hunger from here on out. I don’t care if that means that my future summaries end up being half a page long...so be it. Basically, what I’m really trying to say is that, after 8 gazillion straight weeks of tackling the “hunger” storyline, I am plum out of jokes....and I don’t feel like coming up with new ones.

If Mark Burn-it is content to be a lazy, boring storyteller, then so shall I. I just have a hard time believing that with over 280 hours of footage crammed into each episode, that they can’t come up with something besides this fricken hunger crap.....ya know, there’s a reason Sally Struther’s infomercials are on at two in the morning instead of prime time.....there’s nothing entertaining about starvation.

And besides, they ain’t that hungry when it comes right down to it. It’s not like their bellies are bloated like those starving kids in Africa. So, until you can show me a shot of the Colbster looking 8 months pregnant, face first in a puddle of Red Cross powdered milk and too tired to swipe at the many flies gathered on top of his head, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

So, for the remainder of my summaries I will be skipping all scenes related to hunger. If someone wants to come in later and summarize the many scenes where survivors express their hunger, feel free, but it ain’t gonna be me....not anymore.

It’s really a shame what you’ve done to this show Burn-it, cause you had me at hello.

-Shakes

And now on to the big, hungry show....

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT

DAY 11

After five minutes dedicated to a certain subject matter I won’t be writing about anymore, we pick back up with Lamber in an interview explaining her outlook on the game at this point, “Hope factors in a huge amount. You always have to hope for the next day to come, hope for a fish, hope for a brain....and I just keep hoping that the next three days to come I’m still here and the next three days after that I’m still here, and three days after that and they told some friends, and they told some friends, and so on and so on.”

Benedict Tina hints in an interview that Lil’ Lamber might have out used her usefulness to the rest of the Ogafour, “Lamber’s a sweet girl, but you can’t get by just on flying below the radar...I mean what’s the point of playing this game if you’re not gonna be stabbing your friends in the back over and over again?? Look at me, I’ll probably have Carpel Tunnel Syndrome by the time this thing’s finally over.....now that’s how you play the game.”

The Colbster, on the other hand, believes that the Ogafour is still going strong, “Kentucky Joe and Lislis both know that we’ve brought them along this entire time with the intent to eliminate them before we eliminate ourselves.....they are well aware of the fact that they need to win immunity in order to stick around.”

Lislis agrees, “the next challenges are very important to me.....I don’t care how <official Shakes censor> and weak I am there’s no holding me back, I need them.”

REWARD CHALLENGE: Rope Maze

The Survivors must navigate their way through five sets of checkpoints using a series of twisting and winding ropes. Each Survivor (except the Colbster) must have at least one of their two rope climbing carabines connected to a rope at all times. The first Survivor to successfully cheat and make it to the finish line will be rewarded with a horseback ride to a nearby Cowboy camp where they will receive an authentic Australian cowboy dinner, sleep in an authentic Australian cowboy cot, wake up to an authentic Australian cowboy breakfast, and have plenty of authentic Australian cowboy Bud Light.

After reciting the rules, Jiffy Probe gives a signal and, as if by the magic of David Copperfield, five authentic Australian Cowboys come riding over a nearby ridge. Lislis moans in appreciation, “Ohh look at the pretty horses!” to which Lamber replies, “OMG <click>, I love meatball subs!”

JP explains that the winner of the Reward Challenge will spend the night at the Cowboy camp with the cowboys....taking a quick look at the Cowboys I’m beginning to think that maybe this isn’t the reward Lislis and Lamber necessarily want to win. So, the race begins and it was a pretty close race between the Colbster and Lamber until the Colbster blatantly cheated and passed Lamber by removing BOTH of his caribines from the rope and then pulling the whole “Hey, look at that!” trick to distract her from his malfeasant.

JP and editing tried to make the finish look a lot closer than it really was as the Colbster wins yet another reward......try not to piss off an entire Country this time when you go to collect it. The funniest part of the race was watching Kant-Kook-Keith and Lislis battle for last and beyond last place....KKK kept tripping over the ropes and Lislis is so weak and emaciated that she struggled to scale a two foot high log....it was sooo pathetic you just had to laugh...and rewind, play and laugh some more.

So, the Colbster hops on his horse and rides off into the sunset, hopefully never to be seen again. And then came the rain....lots of rain.

Three miles from camp, the losing Survivors have run into a bit of a problem.....while they were away at the RC, someone went and put a rushing river right in the middle of their way home. Damn, when Burn-it said this summer that SII was gonna have a much bigger budget and therefore come with a lot more bells and whistles, he wasn’t kidding. First a forest fire, then a drugged pig and now a flash flood...I must say that I’m impressed.

As the Survivors are forced to sit and wait three hours for the flow of the flood water to level off, they are treated to a stunning rendition of “Dueling OMG’s” by Lamber and Lislis. Kentucky Joe chimes in with what is on everyone’s mind, “where we’ve got our camp is called a dry creek bed, I doubt if it is dry right now.”

Back on Bare-a-midriff Beach all is peaceful. And then, out of nowhere the camp is attacked by “The Blob” which destroys everything in its path, including the campsite. Conveniently and not without a long dramatic camera shot, the much coveted can of rice is swept away in the current and washed downstream, leaving the Survivor without a camp or food.

And then my VCR must’ve fvcked up cause I found myself watching “Wild Discovery” on The Discovery Channel.....in this episode a kangaroo was stuck in a river and struggles for a while before pulling itself out of the current and on to dry land.....and then my VCR started working again as I heard the inevitable <click> of the OMG-meter as the Survivors returned to what was left of their camp.

Kentucky Joe notices that the rice and the fishing hooks are gone...in fact the entire campsite is washed out. An Allstate Insurance Complay commercial breaks out as the Survivors take turns describing the devastation of losing their home to the flood...accompanied by slow sad music to really drive the point home.

Segue to the Cowboy camp where the Colbster and his blinding white teeth is treated to a plate of stew and a cup of conversation with JP in Survivor’s take on “My Dinner With Andre”. The following predictable topics are addressed, blah blah blah winning a lot of challenges blah blah blah jealous tribe mates blah blah blah where’s the toilet.

Back at Bare-a-midriff beach, President Bush declares a state of emergency and sends in the National Guard.....BT and KKK go looking downstream for the rice. Miraculously, and not at all suspiciously, they locate the can of rice caught in between the current and a tree branch on the other side of the river. BT wants to try and cross the river downstream where the current is less swift, but Mr. Ego insists on trying to cross on a fallen log where the current is rushing by. BT looks at him and says, “You’re crazy. Trust me, you can’t cross that, you’ll slip. Besides, why do you care so much about the rice, you can’t cook it anyway.”

As KKK attempts to pull his best “Flying Walenda” impersonation, Kentucky JONES goes to fetch his bull whip. BT, determined not to let KKK show him up, goes downstream and effortlessly swings across the river, easily beating KKK to the bucket of rice. After waiting twenty minutes for KKK to finally make it to the rice, BT and KKK swim the rice back together to the waiting hugs from their appreciative tribe mates. To add insult to injury, the tribe returns to camp looking forward to a hot meal only to realize that the matches got destroyed in the flood.

Back at the Cowboy camp, the Colbster tells the other Cowboys to watch out cause after a meal like that, there’s a good chance the tent is gonna smell like ass tonight. The scene ends with a shot of the Colbster snug and secure in his comfortable cot....and then the inevitable segue to our fearless five back at the beach.

Well, it looks like someone left their webcam on as we are treated to some rare 5-some action as our gang forms a five person train.....after some brief discussion Kentucky Joe claims seniority and lays claim to the caboose.

The next morning at the Cowboy camp, the Colbster is stuffing his face full of PB&J sandwiches, eggs and bacon. Says the Colbster, “I appreciated the opportunity to eat incredibly. No matter how sick it made me and no matter how sick I feel right now I had that choice. I had that choice to eat and eat and eat.” Yeah, just like your tribe mates have the choice to vote your @ss outta here for eating all THEIR meals....you won’t win the million, but you did get to have as many PB&J sandwiches as you wanted...I guess that’s a fair trade off.

Back at camp, it turns out that all survived last night’s orgy. Says KKK, “that was the most miserable night in my entire life...I will never have a more miserable night, I hope not.” Oh yeah, just wait until you find out you lost a million bucks cause you didn’t bring your backpack to a tribal council...hope it was worth it.

The gang gets to work on the task at hand....building a new shelter. The tribe finally decides to do what they should have done for shelters #1 and #2, build the shelter on top of the high ground instead of in the middle of a river waiting to happen. As the tribe gets to work on finding a suitable location, the Colbster returns to the deserted remains of what was once a proud, fallen tree...err, I mean shelter.....”I think this is the worst case scenario of what could have happened...well, actually the worst case scenario would’ve been if I had to be here for this crap. When you look at it that way, I made out alright.”

After talking with his tribe mates, the Colbster feels that his @ss might be on the line in lieu of the fact that he keeps winning all the challenges, “this immunity challenge is such a double edged sword for me...I’m worried about saving my own butt, but another part of me is worried about winning another challenge and how I’m gonna be viewed.” Uhmm, my guess is if you keep winning challenges you’re gonna be viewed from the jury side of Tribal Council. This voice over is accompanied with a great shot of the Colbster shifting his suspicions eyes over each of his fellow tribe mates as if he’s in the middle of an Agatha Christie novel.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: ‘You’ll Shoot your eye out!”

For this challenge each Survivor is given a sling shot and a bag o’ nuts...across the way is a regiment of “Red Coats”, the King’s soldiers, here to lay claim to the Americas. Okay whatever, they actually have to shoot out a bunch of plates magically suspended in air...each person has three plates with their name on them, the person with the last plate hanging wins the Immunity Mardi Gras beads, provided of course that they show their breasts.

From the get-go its apparent that our resident cowboy did more than just some lynching growing up, he’s also an exceptional marksman. Not a big surprise when you think of all the great snipers that came out of Texas. Colbster and KKK continue their growing sibling rivalry and start shooting each other’s plate. Not wanting to admit that she can’t read, and not wanting to shoot out any of her own plates by mistake, Lamber conveniently misses with every shot.

After the Colbster proves his intelligence by shooting out the plates of everyone from Ogafour, we are left with him and Lislis in the final two....the Colbster has one plate and Lislis has two. Even with the 2-1 disadvantage, the Colbster engages in a little trash talking, “Which one you going for, ya little b!tch, there’s three of em’ up there?”

On the next shot, the Colbster evens the score and Lislis shoots him a glance that screams, “HEY, what’s the big deal ya big bully...you’re not sposed to do that!” The Colbster ends this mismatch on the next shot, winning his second Immunity Challenge in a row.

Back from the commercials, we have my favorite part of the show....where everyone gets ready for Tribal Council and discusses voting strategy. Now, this time we don’t really get any set-up, but we all know what’s gonna happen. Lamber, who has been laying in the weeds since this game began is going to calmly assess her situation and make the Sportcenter Play of the Week by aligning with the Kuchatwo to vote off KKK in a 3-3 tiebreaker vote. She has to do it, right? She knows she’s toast because she was left out of the loop for the Scerri disposal, so what does she have to lose by making a move???

Well, I am actually pretty excited because after watching this show for eleven weeks, we are finally going to find out if Lamber actually has a brain....all it should take is approximately ten minutes of thinking to figure out what to do in her shoes, and we all know they’ve had plenty of time to sit around and think about strategy...this should be a piece of cake.

At Tribal Council, the jury of three is brought in and, as ususal, Scerri takes the front seat to make sure that all of America can see her jealous scowl. During the JP “roast” part of the TC, KJ blames the flood on the women wanting to sleep in the soft sand. KKK won’t stop talking about the orgy from last night. BT sticks her foot in her mouth with this doozy of a whopper right in front of the jury, “I would rather spend the last couple of weeks with people who aren’t Scerri, are team players unlike Scerri, and people that want to see each other do well unlike Scerri.” Scerri raises her hand and asks if she can just go ahead and vote now. KJ’s a realist and believes that, “eventually the Kucha tribe will be an extinct tribe.”

JP reads off the votes...KJ, Lamber, KJ, Lamber, Lamber, Lamber....and guess who’s an idiot?

Next week on Survivor, KKK and the Colbster fight over what else, rice.....and everyone is <censored>.

Instead of bringing you Lamber’s final words I thought I’d paraphrase part of her interview with Bryant “I’m Bryant Gumbal” Gumbal from the Early Show:

BG: “Were you surprised to get voted off?”

L: “No, I knew it was coming.”

BG: “Then why didn’t you approach R&L about forming an alliance to get rid of Keith?”

L: “Because I was worried that they would tell C/T/K and then C/T/K would be mad at me and vote me out.”

Need I say more?