** OFFICIAL RTVW EPISODE SUMMARY **
Survivor: One World, Episode 13

"It’s Human Nature... To Tattle and To Cross-Dress"

We open with a recap of last week. Watch Kat crawl like a lion and dry-hump her cousin. Watch Kat believing she was in control of things. Watch Kat saying she’s 22 as if that excuses her from taking responsibility for her actions. Watch Kat thinking that being blindsided is fun and exciting. Watch Kat get blindsided herself and get turfed to Ponderosa.

Can I just say that, as a summary writer, it’s a major bummer to have Kat out? She’s gold for summary writing and I had all sorts of shenanigans plotted for her this episode.

Anyhoo. We are now back in the Tikiano camp after the Kat boot. Tarzan declares that if he were the girls, he’d have voted himself out before Kat. He tells Kim that since she said she would take him to the F4, he’d talk the jury into giving her the million dollars and suggests that the F4 be himself, Kim, Christina and Alicia. Alicia is briefed on the plan, then no sooner than Kim had headed off before Tarzan promptly turns to Alicia and makes the same promise to Alicia he had just made that he’ll talk the jury into voting for her.

Only one teensy-weensy problem, Tarzan. Women talk. And they don’t keep secrets from each other. Ever. It’s a basic rule which makes the earth spin. Let me re-emphasize the point: Women talk. And as one who handles boobs all day long at the office and is currently the only male left in the game while also dressing up like a woman with Kat’s clothes, he ought to understand that.

I’m starting to wonder if Tarzan really is a CBS plant plucked from Central Casting (or perhaps Bellevue – dude’s a 64-year-old who thinks he’s Tarzan) complete with fake credentials and a medical website that says he’s got a 100 percent approval rating from patients. Now you know why he was so excited and practically attacked his “wife” last week – he probably said, “This is the chick you got for me as a “wife”? Schwing!” The producers didn’t anticipate Tarzan lasting so far into the game – they only bothered to come up with two stock lines for him – “The game is … afoot!” and “I need to buy shocks for my car.” Speaking of the latter, Tarzan closed out the first segment by muttering that if he doesn’t win, he just wouldn’t be able to buy shocks for his car. Guy’s allegedly a millionaire and he’ll get tens of thousands of dollars for his placement in this season and he’s worrying about being able to spring for a cheap set of shocks? I can think of a pair of shocks I’d like to give him.

In the morning, Chelsea and Christina go get treemail. Chelsea says she’ll take Christina along on reward if she wins, since Christina hasn’t been on one in a while, and tells her not to tell anyone about it. Might I refer you to the ‘Women talk’ rule I alluded to earlier? Yes, dear reader, Christina practically tore her way through camp to tell Alicia and Kim, and then Kim elbowed everyone else out of the way in her haste to tell Chelsea about that conversation. It’s also Survivor Editing 101 – because Chelsea said this on camera, naturally you know what’s going to happen next. Chelsea will win and not take Christina. Book it. But once again, this whole scene reveals Kim’s fears that Chelsea is going to blow their cover once again, as she’s threatened to do umpteen times in the past with her loose mouth.

Whew, is your head spinning by now with all this masterful secret-keeping going on with the ladies? Then you know what time it is … it’s time to take part in a spinning reward challenge! In an obvious homage to the perpetually dizzy Kat, the contestants must spin to release three discs and then line them up on a decoder (was anyone else thinking “Holy Secret Decoder, Batman!”) to match a combination to get a lock to open. In other words, the goal is to get them to understand what it’s like to be in Kat’s shoes on a typical afternoon spent in the margarita bar. To truly get the full Kat effect, they should have had the contestants place their foreheads directly on the disks and close their eyes while spinning, but as it turned out, they merely spun around and ran like drunken flamingos from one disc to the next. Chelsea wins reward and, yes, screws Christina over by taking Sabrina and her BFF Kim along on the reward on a yacht with a shower, fresh clothes, champagne and a three-course meal.

Guys, they’re only going to show Chelsea showering from the head up, so go hose yourselves off. {With an actual water hose. I wasn’t talking in code there. Go.} Meanwhile, back in camp, Christina and Alicia promptly rants about not being taken along on the reward, saying that Chelsea didn’t live up to her promise to be ‘fair’ since she took Kim who’s been on 40 or so rewards by now, so Tarzan once again tries to shoehorn himself into the mix of things by saying that Kim and Chelsea are more dangerous in the F3 than he is, so Alicia/Christina should take him along. Alicia ponders, says it makes sense, and then remembers the golden rule that Women Talk so she’ll wait to tell Kim when she gets back from reward.

The next morning, Tarzan does his damndest best to undo his logic of the previous day with Alicia/Christina by using his buff to drain water, and putting together some coconut stew marinated with spices scraped off his balls. Naturally, this starts an argument with Alicia, and the loud squabbling is what greets Kim/Chelsea/Sabrina upon their return from reward and they immediately realize their Zen moment from the yacht has come to an abrupt halt. Back into game mode, I guess, and it’s time for the ‘Women Talk’ rule once again as Kim and Alicia compare notes on what Tarzan said and they realize that Tarzan’s trying to promise both of them the same thing. Tarzan gets into even deeper doo-doo when Christina joins in to share her conversations with Tarzan. They now realize they’re getting Tarzaned and Alicia reveals her “ghetto Puerto Rican” side as she plots to keep her power and decide who to take out between Chelsea and Tarzan.

We’re now off to the immunity challenge. With one hand tied their backs, the contestants are to use large fish hooks to pick up bags of puzzle pieces and then put together a fish skeleton with the pieces. It’s a pretty even challenge with Alicia and Kim gradually making their way ahead of the rest, and in the end, Kim drops a piece and that is the difference as Alicia barely beats out Kim to win immunity.

The post-IC scrum gets started off with Tarzan reminding Alicia of his non-contender status by calling her a bitch to her face and then Alicia goes into megalomania mode by saying that today was all about her and only she has the choice of keeping Chelsea or Tarzan around, and feels she has both Tarzan and Christina under her spell, ready to do her bidding. Kim tells Sabrina she’s convinced Alicia that Tarzan is trying to get her out. Kim tells Chelsea she’s a threat but won’t give up the hidden immunity idol just yet, depending on how secure she’s feeling over whether Alicia and Tarzan are playing her. Chelsea says she’s upset at the prospect that Christina could be in the game longer than her, and Sabrina says it won’t happen.

Tarzan goes into batshit crazy mode by somehow managing to squeeze into Kat’s pink tanktop and wearing her panties on his head with 33 days’ worth of island marinating and dried blood on it. He says he’s not worried because they’re just microbes – but considering he’s got aphasia, for all we know it could be something like microcephaly instead. But anyhoo – perhaps overselling the crazy-as-shit thing a bit too much, huh Tarzan? He asks if he is being offensive. How do you respond to that kind of question in this social game for a million bucks, anyhow?

Off to tribal council now. Sabrina mutters in the understatement of the season, “Oh boy”, as the jury comes in. It’s a good thing that the crack Survivor security team patted down the jurors as they came in, or something like this would have happened:

Talk about a smouldering ball of hate being contained in a glare.

First question – Jiffy asks Tarzan why is he still in the game. In a tour de force performance, Tarzan guarantees himself of being inducted into the Survivor Idiot Hall of Fame by saying he’s still in the game because he supported the girls and now he feels vulnerable because all of the guys are on the jury (no shit, Sherlock… you put them there) and that the jury would never give a millionaire a million bucks, then says the guys are idiots for being deserving for their boots by not including him in their plans. He feels he’s misunderstood in the game (“the game is … excuse me … afoot!”) because he decided to wear Kat’s filthy clothes (are we sure she doesn’t have any weapons?) on her head. Tell me, Tarzan, how were the girls (and the audience) supposed to interpret that?

Moving on… the next point of discussion turns to Chelsea’s choice to not take Christina on reward. Christina whines that Chelsea promised her, but Chelsea opens her big trap and says that she found out that Christina betrayed her confidence by having a private conversation. There’s that ‘Women Talk’ maxim once again. Kat manages to get the gag off long enough to mutter, “Bitches!”

Time to vote. Chelsea. Kat says “she’s gone!”. Tarzan. Tarzan. Tarzan. The next Survivor voted out is Tarzan. Tarzan turns around and thanks the ladies for keeping him around long enough to see the chick the producers cast to be his wife, while Mike gives him a middle-finger send off.

Final words? A long, primal Tarzan yell.