"Survivor South Pacific- Episode 3 Summary- What Bears Do in the Woods"

“Just when I think I got out, they pull me back in.”

Not that I don’t love this community and all the fabulous people here, but I had kind of put RTVWorld.com behind me, I thought. I’d peek in every now and then, sure, just to see if a complete boot list had been posted or if there were any casting spoilers for the upcoming season, but I didn’t feel the need to post for whatever reason.

Until recently.

Between Survivor: Just Give Rob The Million and Big Brother: Just Give Rachel The Half Million, I’d hit my limit. I had so much snark and annoyance at the DAWs who I seem unable to pull myself away from that I couldn’t take it any more. If I didn’t snark soon, I might have exploded.

(Speaking of which, if anyone has my exploding Draco head, that would be really awesome. I kinda need it these days.)

So, here I am. Back and ready to give until it hurts.

And oh, brother, is there some hurting going on these days.

If you haven’t done it yet, make sure you check out Miss Myth’s fine Episode 2 summary from last week. It should be… down there. Somewhere.

Previously on Survivor… they start by showing clips from episode 1. I immediately check my DVR to make sure I’m watching the right episode. Sure enough, I am. Huh. Anyways, we see Team Blue Balls winning immunity after Team Redshirt puts on a basketball performance that would make LeBron James go, “Damn, now that’s some giveup right there.” For some reason, they show Ozzy, but not really the real goat. Foreshadowing?

Dammit, I lost my sledgehammer of plot, too. You go away for a few years and you can’t find anything.

Oh, I see what happened. Team Redshirt confused Ozzy and Semhar because they have similar hair and voted out the wrong person. Easy enough mistake to make, I guess.

Now we get to episode 2, and oh, gee, why would they ever put an Immunity Idol where only Ozzy would be likely to find it? Recrap of the 5 Person Alliance Which We Know Will Only End In Tears.

Meanwhile, Coach made his own alliance with the nephew of one of the people that organized his demise last time, and then his tribe lost immunity. Despite Li’l Russ II’s best efforts to vote out the Oobies of Temptation, Coach convinced them all to boot the woman who called him a Temporary Player.

AND NOW THE EPISODE REALLY BEGINS!

Christine and Semhar meet on The Idea That Nobody Liked But The Producers Are Gonna Force Down Our Throats Anyways For At Least Another Season. I never thought I’d be wishing for Exile Island again. Of course, Christine claims she was voted out because she was a dangerous player. No, you were voted out because you ticked off the returning Dragon Slayer who still has everyone starstruck. She says the fat lady hasn’t sung yet.

Dear dog, don’t let Papa Bear sing.

Meanwhile back at Team Blue Balls, Mikayla is confused as to why Li’l Russ II wanted her out so bad. So naturally, she goes to Coach. Just as they’re getting into a good groove, Li’l Russ II butts in and spoils the fun. In Confessional, Li’l Russ II (hereafter referred to as LR2 because I’m lazy) tells us that he doesn’t want to be like his uncle, and wanted to be someone you could look up to. Of course, he’s ignoring the fact that, since he’s the shortest person in the game, it’s impossible for anyone to look up to him.

That and he’s a douche.

ABBREVIATED CREDITS!

Blah Blah Blah… ooh, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots the movie!

The next day… HOLY CARP WE ACTUALLY GET TO HEAR A CRAPPY TREEMAIL POEM! OH HOW I MISSED THEM! It’s an invite to go to Redemption Island so you can rub it in the faces of the people you voted out that you’re still in. For Team Blue Balls, we get Coach and Stacey (who incidentally is from my hometown. I’m not terribly proud right now, though.). For Team Redshirt, we get Ozzy and Elise.

Christine reaffirms why she wants to get back in the game. Coach licks his lips, and the rest of us want to yawn.

Jeff asks Semhar about Redemption Island, for those who are just tuning in. She goes on to prove that she’s really not cut out for this game and her tribe probably did her a favor voting her out first.

Today’s duel is… BATTLE TOTEM ON A POLE! ALLEZ CUISINE!

Sorry, I’ve been watching too much Iron Chef lately.

We get ready to start the challenge, BUT FIRST! Semhar gets dehydrated and starts babbling incoherently. No, wait, that’s poetry. I think. I’m honestly not sure.

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind
Something something… poop and pee.

By the way, I know that the first person booted never gets to talk on the Reunion Show anymore, but I guarantee we’ll be subjected to a poem from Semhar. And I’ll fast forward right past it.

While Semhar rambles, we get some of the best “This is really frelling awkward” looks we’ve ever seen on Survivor. Even Jiffy looks annoyed, and he’s sat through Johnny Fairplay and Li’l Russ’s filibusters.

Once everyone wakes up, it’s time to see who can keep their pole erect the longest. Somehow the obvious product placement from Cialis is left out here.

As the challenge progresses, Jiffy reminds us that Redemption Island is a Second Chance. This from a guy who publicly decried people getting a second chance on Pearl Islands and said “Once you’re voted out, you’re voted out.” It’s amazing what a little time and a lot of money will do to your attitude, huh?

Finally, Semhar lets her idol go (and narrowly avoids getting clocked by it) and cries a lot and proves once again that she’s just not cut out for Survivor. She gives Christine her ratty old jacket and throws her buff into the fire. Christine reiterates that Coach is a dope (in case we didn’t figure that out from the first two seasons he was on!) and says that she’s going to “pull a Matt”. Um, news flash, sweet cheeks. Matt got off Redemption Island and then got voted right back onto it and was kind of a whiny little bitch before he finally lost. So you go right on ahead and pull a Matt.

Aaaaaand more commercials. Which is good, because it means that we won’t see or hear from Christine for the rest of the episode.

Meanwhile, back at Team Blue Balls, LR2 is having a crisis of faith. God’s apparently whupping his ass for lying and being a hypocrite and basically playing just like good ol’ Unca Russ. He reminds us that his pee-pee won’t let him play the game with Mikayla before we get the DRAMATIC REVEAL! Which isn’t so dramatic, because all anyone is thinking is MY DOG THOSE ARE BAD TATTOOS NO WONDER YOU KEPT THEM COVERED.

So he actually grows a brain and decides he has to spell it out for these nimrods. With Coach standing behind him as our Surrogate Christ Figure, he proceeds to tell everyone who he really is. Stacey is either shocked by the revelation or having a mild seizure, I can’t tell which. He apologizes and tells everyone that he’s not the same person as Unky Russ and spills the same spiel about just wanting to make friends that everyone says. Mikayla is shocked and says, surprise surprise, she might just have to vote him out because he’s a sneak. We get a lot of tattoo shots, including the one on the back that only looks like it says “HANTZ” if you kind of squint your head and tilt your eyes.

Coach says it’s a mistake. In other news, water is wet and the pope sh!ts in the woods. They go off and have man time, and in confessionals Coach tells us that now he can’t trust LR2 completely.

At Team Redshirt, Ozzy caught a fish! He poked it with a stick! We get a confessional from Mama Bear in which he points out the obvious- that he, Dawn, and Coc*ring are the weakest members. I’m certainly glad he used his detective skills to tell us that. Ozzy reiterates his alliance, which consists of himself, Pothead, and 3 people who I’m not entirely sure are actually on this show. Ozzy decides that one of those people is the person he should trust with the SECRET OF THE IDOL.

And of course, not 5 seconds later we see his secret-keeper telling the secret to Whitney. Keith will hereafter be known as Wormtail. It’s nice to see Ozzy getting his really dumb gameplay move out of the way early this season.

Back at Team Blue Balls, LR2 decides it’s time to come clean (no pun intended) with Mikayla. I’m honestly amazed that he felt he could trust himself long enough to be around her to have this talk. He says that “People didn’t trust you, it’s not just me.” Actually, yeah, LR2, it kind of is just you. Apparently he thought she was going to attack him, and he was supposed to turn the other cheek and be meek or something. Brandon calls a House Meeting (because we all know they go so well on Big Brother). Everyone is too in shock at the pure crap coming out of his mouth to say anything.

Aaaand here come the tears, both from Mikayla and LR2. And apparently the internal conflict is so bad that he sleeps next to the fire in hopes that his flesh will get burned up by it.

Coach is concerned and using a lot of big words. After a while, it all kind of sounds like white noise to me.

Commercials! Now you can buy Edna’s homemade visor! Made from real leaves and a treemail! (Actually, that’s pretty damn inventive, if you ask me. I don’t think we’ve seen that before.)

Challenge time! You now, I remember when challenges on this show were so simple. Go out in the water and bring the raft back without letting the fire go out. They were uncomplicated, and yet they still had quite a lot of drama to them. Now they’re a bunch of mini-games before you get to the main boss.

And because we’re still doing the joke that is Redemption Island, the challenges are combined reward and immunity challenges. The premise is simple. One tribe member gets a body board and pulls on his tribemate’s crank (what?) until they’re far enough to get to a puzzle piece, and then their tribe reels them back in. Once they have all their pieces, they unfurl them on the wall and put them in the right order. That’s right, it’s a water challenge without any actual swimming. Everyone should be able to do this with no problem. Of course, this being Survivor, we know that there will be ways that this can be screwed up. Many many painful ways.

The winning tribe gets lots of noms and another clue to the hidden immunity idol. Unless your tribe’s monkey boy has already found it in the tree.

We get started… and Ozzy stumbles literally right out of the gate. Ozzy gets caught partway through without enough rope, while LR2 easily gets plenty of rope. Which is good because he’ll need it to hang himself with. LR2 tags in someone who I’m not entirely sure I’ve seen before, and Ozzy tags in the token older player, who makes up time. Ozzy back out in the water, while Mikayla goes in for his tribe. Yes, let LR2 see her in a wet buffkini, that won’t set him off at all. Dawn falls in the water before getting to the platform, allowing Team Blue Balls to get back in the lead. The player who I still swear I’ve never seen before goes back out for his tribe, and Ozzy goes back out. Because, you know, he’s the swimming guy. Which comes in handy, since his tribe pulls to hard and he loses his board.

We’re neck and neck as Coach and Edna are solving the puzzle for Team Blue Balls while Cowgirl and Indian are tasked with the job for Team Redshirt. In the end, Team Blue Balls gets just a little ahead, and that’s all they need. They get their puzzle banners and unscramble them, giving their team the win and nomnoms.

Team Redshirt is sad as we go to commercial. Mama Bear literally rolls over and dies, knowing that he’s probably going to go very soon.

More selling of things!

At Team Redshirt, morale is at an all time low. Ozzy lets us know that it’s between Mama Bear and Coc*ring. And for some reason, they can’t figure out why they would be targets. Um, maybe because you’re super weak? They let Coc*ring know that it’s going to be Mama Bear, but they let him know that they’ll be telling Mama Bear the same thing only reversed. Mama Bear, using his superior detective skills, sees right through the lies. In an inspired bit of misdirection, he runs off into the woods, presumably to do what bears do in the woods. Oh, wait, he wants them to think he’s looking for the Idol. Well, he gets points for trying, at least. At least he remembered to wear his underwear, so we don’t get a replay of the Fat Naked F**. And then, to complete the illusion, he stuffs his pants. There’s definitely something Freudian there, but I failed psychology so I can’t place it.

Creative editing attempts to make us think that there’s a chance they might flip and vote out Coc*ring, but come on. We’ve seen this before. Many, many times before.

MOOD LIGHTING takes us to Tribal Council!

Jiffy immediately starts in on Coc*ring, making sure that everyone knows that Coc*ring is the physically weakest player. BUT HE OPENED A COCONUT LAST WEEK! HE’S VALUABLE! Mama Bear gets some questions about leadership and he actually calls out the 5 person alliance, but I’m not sure anyone got it. So he actually SPELLS IT OUT FOR THEM. And Dawn still doesn’t get it. Pothead attempts to do damage control, but Mama Bear ain’t havin’ it. We get to poke Ozzy about getting voted out with an Idol in his pocket, and he looks sufficiently chagrined for it. After a little more blather about idols from Coc*ring, it’s time to vote.

Surprisingly, Pothead actually falls for the bulge in Mama Bear’s pants and votes for Coc*ring. However, when the votes are revealed… it turns out he was the only one. Bye bye, Mama Bear. Go sleep in your bed that’s too soft. We also have a random vote for Pothead, which I’m assuming came from Mama Bear.

One last commercial break takes us to…

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR!

Wait… Coc*ring is the mastermind? THE HELL? And a Hantz stirs up trouble? THIS MUST BE WHAT GOING MAD FEELS LIKE!

In what passes for final words, Mama Bear says something or other, then scares the crap out of Christine, who probably assumed that since it was dark, she was likely to be eaten by a grue.

Sorry this took so long to get up, guys!