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"Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode"
Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 07:36 AM (EST)
 
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"Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
LAST EDITED ON 09-28-07 AT 02:10 PM (EST)I am Jeff Probst, and if I'm going to be stuck with this bunch of morons for thirty-six more days, I am going to get some blood out of it. Have you looked at these camps lately? I certainly have, because I see footage. (Everyone knows I see footage. You're just not allowed to talk about it.) Over at the Flying Dragons, we have a shelter of sorts, a fire pit of some type, and -- a corpse? Who told you people you could start without me! James, I know you're itching to get started, but we do not do premature ekillulations on my watch -- oh. It's just Jean-Robert. Sleeping. Again. The rest of his tribe thinks this is cause for an intervention. Jean-Robert thinks this is strategy. That's right: his plan is to annoy people enough to vote him out, then improve from there. And somehow, it doesn't occur to him that he would have been voted out. So what's your total winnings to date in your chosen career, exactly? Want to compare it to my blackjack run? Didn't think so. Switching to the Fighting Tigers, also known as the Mewling Kittens, we get -- Dave. And Ashley. Hear Dave give orders! Hear Ashley not understand what Dave is ordering! Hear General Audience Admission go lawyer on us and decide that the most important thing they can decide is what the definition of 'what' is! (From now on, she's the PGenis.) So what does Dave want done? No one knows. But it seems to involve hauling heavy rocks while not bothering to eat. Ever. Hmmm. Mark, I just got this nifty challenge idea... By the way, why are we shooting so many confessionals with people 90% submerged in the water? Has it been raining that much? And isn't stupid supposed to float? Shallow certainly does. All right, people: given how painful it is to watch you, we're going to make sure you get some of it back. Welcome to my -- Attack Zone! I love saying those words. Let me say them again. Attack Zone! Sure, maybe you think it's all about rolling a ball across a goal line in a three-on-three matchup, but I say it's all about the -- wait for it -- Attack Zone! So get in there and Attack Zone each other! Because you really want the fishing gear (and yes, we are that predictable this early), and I want the -- it doesn't get any better than this -- Attack Zone! Here's the strategy: you will hurt each other, and any time I see someone getting away with a clear shot, I will notify the rest of you and everyone will then hurt that person! No one gets away unscathed on my watch! Or clean, because this is a mud wrestling match, and Ashley, you should really be worried about getting that much focus this early. Down go the bodies! Off come the tops! Huh. Amanda exists. Who knew? And down go more people! Off comes more clothing! James is covered in mud! Wow, you can just hear the DVRs saving to the permanent file... And the Dragons win! Again! Because they mastered the -- one more just for the fun of it -- Attack Zone! Dragons, you get to kidnap someone from the Tigers. Jamie? Really? Because you think it'll destroy Tiger morale? Wow. I guess that braless thing is having more of an effect than I thought... And Jamie, here is a clue to the Secret Idol, which you will give to the weakest link in camp, because protecting people who can play is never in the plans. So let's see -- you're giving it to Leslie. And Leslie's still allergic to idols, so she gives it to Todd, because idols are the passage to Hell and for some reason, she's decided he needs extra help there. Leslie isn't very observant, is she? And the Dragons not only decide to breathe fire all over Jean-Robert, but they do it in front of Jamie. Nice cohesive tribe you've got there. I may have to switch your buff color to a particularly hideous shade of orange. Here comes the Immunity challenge! Here's how it's going to work. Here is my giant log. Run your hands all over my giant log. Get a feel for it. Appreciate the fine lines and classic shape. Notice how many of you it takes to lift it. Yes, my giant log is a six-person operation, because one recipient just can't handle all that wood. You will use my giant log to batter down two walls, which is something I could do any time I wanted all by myself, but frankly, I just don't like to brag. After that, you will carefully caress and manipulate my giant log until you've worked it through to its greatest point of extension. At this point, it will hit a G-spot, and G stands for Gong, which rhymes with Hong, which gives us our theme back for this episode, but who cares? I want to see some giant log handling. And there they go! Notice how easily Dave tires! Dave just can't handle my giant log. I'm not sure Dave even knows how to handle a twig. James, on the other hand, can handle my giant log all day and night and still have strength to bury someone afterwards. Frosti has to switch Dave out to the rear position because Frosti's so much better with the rhythm at the head of my giant log, and don't think I won't remember that for later. But it's still my giant log versus the walls, and naturally, my giant log is winning. There, we're through! Now start manipulating -- carefully, carefully -- speed it up a little... the Tigers just can't get my giant log to extend, can they? The Dragons have my giant log proudly jutting straight out, but the Tigers have no idea what to do with my giant log and with every extra foot the Dragons go past them, the Tigers lessen their chances of ever getting their hands on it again. Let us watch my giant log extend. Ahhhh... majestic, isn't it? Phil thinks his golf equipment is so special, but I? Have a giant log. And the Dragons use my giant log to hit the G-spot! Dragons, you're safe again. Tigers, go talk about who's going out and I'll see you in a few hours. Maybe more than a few hours. Actually, I'll just call you when I'm ready. So here you are at least, and don't worry: we'll just pretend this was Night Six. Time for another session of Tribe Therapy with your host, Jeff 'I can talk people into killing themselves on television' Probst. So how are you doing as a tribe? How's the camp coming? Seriously? The whole thing flooded? Except for Dave's giant rock fire pit? So Dave can't handle giant logs, but he can get rocks off? How the hell does that work? Ashley, what's your voting strategy? Vote for Dave. This is a strategy. Well, it beats Jean-Robert's. Dave, you think you're getting more than one vote tonight? Because you and Ashley conflict, but don't worry: if Ashley goes, you'll be really nice to everyone afterwards, right up until they vote you out because the whole rock/log issue is starting to confuse everyone -- -- Sherea? You can talk? Something just came out of your mouth that wasn't 'mmm-hmmm'? And your name isn't Cassandra? Or Jameka? I am so relieved. Here, have three more days. I couldn't stand going through that again... And now is the time on Survivor when we vote and give the weasel his copyright usage fee! Damn weasel... So let's see what we've got here. Ashley -- Dave -- Ashley -- Ashley -- Ashley. Isn't that interesting. Dave's decided to play eat-the-strong pre-merge. That sounds oddly familiar, and yet, I don't see the word 'stupid' engraved on his forehead. Maybe I should use my giant log to put it there. So long, Ashley. I guess Dave just didn't like the way he was left to handle his own rocks. (But don't worry: at the rate he's going, he won't have a grip on them for long.) Go back to your scripted television: winning on your own is just too complicated. Hmmm. Ashlee -- out second. Ashley -- out second. We need to get an Ashlei next season: I have to test this. Now if you'll excuse me, I need some time alone with my giant log. We're going to the -- Attack Zone! Yes, that's what I call my bedroom now. Your point? 
Roleplaying game: speak as your character or create a new one related to the environment to use, and don't worry too much about making sense: gawd knows Dave hasn't paid much attention to what's come out of his mouth. Many good (as in ludicrous) parts still available at http://community.realitytvworld.com/boards/DCForumID1/3680.shtml . Come in, sign up, and do to your characters what they're already doing to themselves.
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Dakota 5819 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-29-07, 11:50 AM (EST)
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61. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
LAST EDITED ON 09-29-07 AT 11:55 AM (EST)CONFESSIONAL (Amanda): Q: I've got a fax for you. They want you for the next season of Rock of Love. A: Ooooo, goodie goodie. Q: So you'll do it? A: Yes yes yes. Can I show my oobies again. It was so much fun. Q: It's a requirement. A: Oh, who's the rock star? Q: I dunno. A: Nevermind, who cares! I want to show my oobies and play with balls. I'm really really good at it. *camera off* CI: You can stay in the water if you want.  Agman's Artistry
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Sagebrush Dan 10002 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 08:54 AM (EST)
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2. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
I'll be back. I just wanna see Tribe's siggie of Jeff's Giant Log.
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SUPAMEOM 169 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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09-28-07, 09:02 AM (EST)
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3. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
Jeff babe i love your gaint log!! wait you are talking about that log?? the one you use in the attack zone??good episode!! but jeff all that sexual stuff, man, and you could have tried to control yourself when the chick scored a goal topless, i was ashamed of you!! also we like it wet?? jeff you like it wet in the attack zone, but keep that talk for the attack zone would ya?? now can I have Ashley's boots? Please babe, i promise to be good to you!! 
Thanks Tribe!!
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Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 09:23 AM (EST)
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5. "New role?" |
Are you volunteering to be Jeff's Giant Log?
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Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 11:47 AM (EST)
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32. "RE: New role?" |
I don't know... it's a pretty hefty role. Are you sure you're up to taking it on? We've seen how hard it is to handle.
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Sagebrush Dan 10002 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 12:03 PM (EST)
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34. "RE: New role?" |
Yes, it certainly can bang the gong with authority. Hmmm... I've whipped bigger but not so sure about catching it.
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kingfish 20752 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 09:34 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
"Jeff....Jeff...""I'm speaking...Can I finish? ...Jeff?.. Just let me finish..." (OK, What the hell was I saying. Oh yeah). (Eye Roll, sneer). "I was the only one who was right all week, and Ashley just wouldn't understand that. Despite what everyone here says, I had no conflicts with anyone but Ashley. I was their leader, and they followed my orders. Simple as that." (condescending smirk, eye roll). Eye roll, evasive head shake, sneer, patronizing disbelief smile, eye roll. (BTW I won't portray Dave as gay. Out of respect for all my gay friends and gay people everywhere, I will, however, portray him as a bitchh with gender issues.) 
What? She said she's going to see me later? Is she so impressed by my leadership that she wants to do me? Show me a little more of those magnificent ooberies? Well, it makes sense, I guess, since I am such a standout leader of men and women, that the groupies would gather. I certainly deserve it.
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Sagebrush Dan 10002 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 09:41 AM (EST)
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9. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
Bwahahaha! Tell me about the immunity idol?? Me? I just love the no-brainers.I also love my Aunt Jemima look. Like it? I'm in my retro period. I just wrap my buff over my ears like this.... But, what the hell is this about kicking the gay guy off the sports team? Where are we anyway? Junior high? I put up with enough of that crap in school. But, I can live with that. While you dolts are out there beating your brains out, I'm crafting clever ideas and clever sayings that will get me plenty of face time. I did manage to get my hands on Jeff's Giant Log. *sigh* A dream come true. Now I've just got to figure out how to get rid of that slut competition current Log Handler. 
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SUPAMEOM 169 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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09-28-07, 10:12 AM (EST)
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14. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
*bites todd's hand**watches it bleed* *bites todd's foot* *watches it bleed* btw you might wanna go get a tetanus shot, now that i have bitten you, next time, i bite your jugular vein!! you dont mess with me or my mommy or my daddy!! 
Thanks Tribe!!
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SUPAMEOM 169 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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09-28-07, 09:45 AM (EST)
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10. "Bear's episode 2 report, plus secrets shared!!" |
This is Bear reporting on episode 2 of daddy's big log!! I liked the reward challenge, but i was not allowed to go run or roll in all that mud!! Why mommy and daddy? why? its just not fair!!daddy is using his giant log on mommy!! again!! *sigh* they never talk to me or give me any attention, or even take me for walks, and now that stupid yellow buff is stuck on my neck and i cant get it off!! someone help me please? and ashley's boobs are so big i could sleep on them, now they would make comfy pillows, my daddy says he likes my mommy's pillows, but the ones in the bedroom are so ugly, i think daddy is drinking kava or rum on the sly... at the fiji final tribal council daddy was drunk from the kava! SHHHHHHH dont tell anyone, or else i wont get any doggy food!!
Thanks Tribe!!
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Spanky68 8092 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 11:04 AM (EST)
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27. "hhmmm..." |
The kidnap victim trusted me with her clue. I can't find it, though it's in plain sight. It would help to have an idea what I am looking for.Todd must like me. I am sure Christian radio hosts are his favorite people. So I will tell him. Yep. That is a quality move. "Oh Todd..." 
Tribe was here
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kingfish 20752 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 01:50 PM (EST)
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45. "RE: *taps Dave on shoulder*" |
(Sorry Dan, I didn't see you here, and I relocated to the log joke thread)That wasn't Frosty? Well who the hell was he? How many followers do I have anyway? He was on the other side? Well, I guess that means I was hoping he'd blow it. I was hoping they'd all blow the log thing. All these followers I don't even know. I must be even a better leader that I thought I was.
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vince3 17341 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-28-07, 08:28 PM (EST)
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57. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
*snores**gets woken up and taken to Reward Challenge. Drags Ashley through the mud, then peels Soft-Serve off of James to win!* *stumbles up steps with flowers or something....* *goes back to sleep* *gets woken up and dragged to Immunity Challenge and handles Jeff's Giant Log and helps team to victory!* *wonders why a cameraman is shooting the top beam of the Spirit Gate* *goes back to sleep* 
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SUPAMEOM 169 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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09-29-07, 01:22 PM (EST)
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64. "DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!!" |
YES HE DOES, and mommy is NOT HAPPY at all about it!DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!!
DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!!
DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!!
DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!! if you would like to know more about my mommy and daddy's doings in the attack zone, feel free to ask me!!
Thanks Tribe!!
JEFF REALLY DID HAVE JOCK ITCH, AS DID ABOUT 5 OTHER GUYS!!!
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RollDdice 5949 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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10-01-07, 07:46 AM (EST)
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77. "RE: DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!!" |
DADDY HAS JOCK ITCH!! Wait until next season when I reveal Survivor: TMI. It will be held in the offices of The National Enquirer and I'll open everyone's medical records. Besides, chafing is a Survivor tradition. Colby still walks a little funny.
Hidden takeout. Crouching cookie.
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Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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10-01-07, 10:39 AM (EST)
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80. "Everybody sing!" |
It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good!
Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log!
Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!
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kingfish 20752 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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10-01-07, 09:46 AM (EST)
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79. "RE: Be The Survivor: China: Episode #2: No Sexual Innuendo Was Harmed In The Making Of This Episode" |
LAST EDITED ON 10-01-07 AT 09:48 AM (EST)I've decided that's what is wrong with this tribe is the followers. You guys aren't following very well. You failed me badly, actually, in handling my long hard log, and as I am your beloved leader, that undoubtedly makes you sad. Cheer up, mein followers, I have der final solution.... Starting today, we wake up at 4:00 pm for daily calisthenics, with me as you leader, followed by a 5 mile slog thru mud, again following me. Then we meet on the Parade grounds for hours of instruction by me so you can learn to march in formation. And obey my commands instinctively, without question. I think this will teach you how to properly follow your beloved and resourceful leader, me, Saint Dave. Smirk, Smirk Eye roll, condescending smirk, Dwight Shrute look of ober-superiority,
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p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
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