LAST EDITED ON 10-30-06 AT 10:05 AM (EST)

Survivor: Cook Islands Official Summary 13.7

Oh My, I Stepped In Some Re-Crap!

Hi, Everyone! Sunny and Ra are back to give your our own special brand of Survivor, the Recrap Episode. It’s that wonderful occurrence every game where you are forced to see what has already been seen, hear what has already been heard, and watch what you prayed that you would never, ever have to watch again. Clockwork Orange and toothpicks through your eyelids aren’t in it, but MB gave us permission to actually show you what ended up on the cutting room floor! Wasn’t that great of him to show you what was so uninteresting to him that he left it out the first time? How marvelous to finally get to show you the award winning stuff that might have made this season’s game bearable and fun to w--

MB: Bunny, does the word pink slip mean anything to you?

Right. Eighteen days ago in RealityTV time (that’s 42 for the rest of us), the Burnett Bunch attempted The Great Social Experiment: 20 laboratory rats specimens drawn and quartered by race. I apologize to rats on Cook Islands; all they want is some lime in the coconut, then they’ll feel better. Of course, some members of said groups didn’t seem to realize that they were part of an ethnic group, but that didn’t stop Burnett. After all, he reasoned, socially confused people are part of the social dynamic, right? Only the best and the brightest were invited to take part in this most controversial Survivor ever (since the last one) -- models, actors, waiters, roller derby queens, retail and copier salesmen, air guitarists, nail salon managers, volleyball players, make up artists …. Only the best and brightest, Nobel laureates all of ‘em.

MB: Bunny, the ASIANS all have REAL JOBS. Now get on with it!

Jeffy: Um … MB, Cao Boi is that nail salon manager.

MB: Shut up Probst, you know we never really believed he would make it to shore.

Anyway, all these social rejects outcasts dynamics were supposed to come together and prove once and for all who was the supreme race whether or not race matters or if, like size, that is a myth.

Ra: ‘Bun, MB’s turning quite purple.

Ok, so 18 days ago 20 adventuresome ethnic types began the adventure of a lifetime. We are treated to a few words of wisdom from Nate who yells “Snap! I’m not the only token brother on the island, there’s five of us!” Cao Boi extols that old ‘70’s expression about the Asian Invasion, Billy tells us that the Dominican American thing doesn’t really mean anything to him, and Ozzy and the rest of the Caucasians don’t really seem to know what their purpose in the game is. In other words, this is a pretty accurate description of society as we know it.

New Scene: Brothers and Boats

Sekou decides that he’s done with the exhausting task of telling everyone how to make some fire, and walks off to take a nap when he suddenly trips and falls over something big in the sand. After careful examination, he tells everyone that he has found a boat. All the tribe surround the boat, in case it decides to escape, and decide themselves that it would behoove them to put it in the water. Unfortunately, while they can get the boat in the water, they can’t get the tribe in the boat. Sundra declares that this is because the tribe is comprised of “city kids” with only one member from the south. What? Does she really believe that there are no cities in the south? Rebecca decides that the problem truly lies in the fact that her people have had bad experiences with boats. Five hundred years ago. Right. No AFRICAN has EVER used a boat or canoe before.

New Scene: Shivers, Sandbars, and Sacrifice

Candice and Adam decide to go fishing, never noticing the black, ominous clouds on the horizon. As the winds kick up, and the tide gets rough, the boat drifts uncontrollably away from the shore. Ra and I are really worried about them, until we see Adam get out of the boat and walk it to the nearest sandbar. (Shades of that flood news report where the reporter babe in the canoe is interrupted by folks in boots walking by her in six inch deep water.) He enjoys Candice shiver her chest against his, and they decide to sacrifice the boat and go back to the island. Parvati shows concern for a fraction of a second, then jealousy over Candice getting all that shiver time consumes her, and she starts harping about them leaving the boat on the sandbar to drift away into oblivion. This reminds me of previous seasons when tribes forgot about boats, too. Can’t make fire, can’t row, can’t build shelters worth a heck. Seems like a good non-skill set for Survivors.

New Scene: Billy, Don’t Be a Bozo

In the beginning there was Billy and the last word was about Billy, and the word was not something we can repeat on this PG-13 forum. Billy is being the typical boss who has no clue but who reminds everyone ad nauseam that he’s the boss and they should do what he says. After passing over the girls into palm frond patrol, he delegates the actual construction of the shelter to the men. Ozzy quietly goes behind him telling the men the REAL way to make a shelter, while Billy rallies an alliance. He easily gets JP, then grabs his pole and heads over to Cristina and Cecilia and caresses it and tells them to “give him a sign” that they are interested. Cecilia does an impressive arm cross to accentuate the cleavage tease, while Cristina tries not to double over with laughter.

Jeffy then recaps the first challenge after which Hiki has to send someone home, and Jon is sent to Exile Island where he digs and digs and digs and finally gives up with a desperate “Duh.”

New Scene: Hiki Hunkers Down

Nate, Rebecca, and Sundra are sitting on a log. Nate is digging his toes in the sand with his head down like a 4-year-old who got shoved in the sandbox with cootified girls, as the girls tell him that Sekou is the weakest link and should be snuffed out of existence. Nate tries to warn Sekou about “Sisters sticking together,” but in true “I’m the man, I have nothing to worry about” conceit, Sekou doesn’t listen. Guess who the first person voted off of Survivor was? Can you say Sekou? I knew you could.

Meanwhile at the Asian Invasion camp, Yul and Becky bond over their Korean roots, while Cao Boi invents the forehead rug-burn without benefit of a climax. He calls this bad wind. I call it lame to let some idiot you don’t know near your forehead, but that’s just me.

New Scene: Cao Boi Finds His Nuts

Unable to feel his oats, Cao Boi climbs a tree and discovers nuts. The “kid in me,” he explains, yanked his beard. After cutting them down from the tree without (miraculously) killing a baby bird in the process while mama booby guards the nest and squawks venomously at him, he decides to explain the differences between Oriental racial facial features to Yul, who simply asked Boi if he was Japanese, Chinese, or an alien from Planet Stupid. At the end of this scene, Cao Boi explains that he said to a group of Chinese that, “you all look the same to me.”

Had Ozzy said that, the CBS switchboard would have lit up like a Christmas tree. But when I asked Dotty the secretary how bad the reaction was, she told me that the crickets in the parking lot showed more animation.

New Scene: Billy Botches His Love Life

In an old scene, we see Billy telling Jeff how he’s found his true love with a mouthed “WE love you” from Candice. The new scene is the tribe’s reaction. Eye rolls, howls of derisive laughter, and “Are you friggin' kidding me?” flew throughout the TC set to the point where the crew actually drowned out the Tribe. Ra could barely hold the camera steady as Billy told him that he had learned that he was neither motivated by, nor was he meant to connive for money. Riiiiight. You were meant to make a fool of yourself on national television for absolutely nothing.

New Scene: Yultide Greetings. Idol? What Idol?

The biggest mistake Aitu makes in this game is to send the smartest Asian to Exile Island. Within minutes of arrival, Yul finds the idol, kisses it, flips the bird to the producers and takes a nap. After waking, he rips the message to shreds and feeds it to the fish. He then takes the box, wraps it in coconut husks and leaves, and sets it adrift. He then channels the spirit of Bruce and returns the sand to its original pristine condition. Zen gardeners everywhere are beaming their approval.

New Scene: Idol Schemes

Now, we would be remiss if after watching the Amazing Yul, we didn’t show you the “less amazing everyone else.” Jonathan goes to Exile Island and proceeds to dig up everything but the ship. As a crab looks on from a secure post, Candice gets rectangularly Cubist, marking lines in the sand. She digs up a square perimeter of where she believes the idol might be, and proceeds to dig up half the island, and look as if she knows what the heck she’s doing. Zen gardeners everywhere are really, really pissed off.

Next we are treated to Adam’s quest, which consisted mainly of being the happy wanderer. He doesn’t dig, he caresses bushes, looks at trees, and stands around hoping that the idol will leap out of its hiding place and land gratefully in his hands. Zen gardeners everywhere just hang their heads in stupefaction.

New Scene: Raro Parties While Stephannieeeeeeeeee Swoons

Now, after being treated to Jeff telling everyone to “drop your buffs and grab your stuffs,” and Cecelia shimmying her buff over her shapely hips, we see new footage of the Raro tribe welcome home party. Nate’s a loud bore who talks in Ebonics not even his original tribemates understand, while Stephanniee takes three swigs from her wine and falls over. She DOES manage to keep the cup level, though. What joy to watch Nate trying to get her to eat bugs or whatever he’d put into that cup. What fun to watch him laugh and drink even more, proving that even nice retail clerks can be real jerks when they drink. This is Nate. This is Nate boozed up. Any questions? Parvati gives the whole scene an Ebert-like thumbs-up, “Stephannieee’s talking nonsense and almost passing out. It’s really cute.”

And now the new scene I know that all the men in this forum have been waiting for:

New Scene: Poverty Porn!!! (Complete with Jazzy Background Music!)

The first thing we see is Parvati shimmying out of her shorts in front of Nate. It’s a long, lingering shot so we get to see every. single. nuance. We then get treated to Ra’s favorite. beach shoot. ever. It’s like watching a movie, but skimpier than with Annette Funicello and Frankie Vallie. We get a nice lingering bikini bottom shot and slow, smooth upward pan that never quite reaches her face. She speaks (quickly) of flirting and boredom. We are treated to shots of all the men drooling and trying not to trip over their tongues, and finally we get the artsy back-lit silhouette of Poverty in the water as the sun sets. Boy, I bet this scene had Shane running to find his Woodberry at the commercial break.

Meanwhile, back at Aitu, we find Jonathan trying desperately to convince Flicka that she needs to rethink her game strategy before she ends up odd dread girl out. She stares at him blankly. He tries a different analogy: “This is a chess game, Flicka.” Another blank stare and crickets everywhere are too shocked to chirp in the silence. They look to the cicadas for help.

New Scene: A Musical Interlude (or the Return of Wanda)

Now here’s a quiz for you. You are a survivor who knows the jig is up. You know you don’t have a prayer of staying in the game. Do you:
A) dream of mashed potatoes
B) tell everyone what dead weight you are in challenges
C) burst into song, making sure it’s a hymn so that perhaps the angels will pity you and step in to save your a$$.
D) All of the above.

If you chose D you win the Burnett Special and are eligible for the next game. Yes, Steph bursts into Amazing Grace while everyone sits and stares. But you know what? Those angels heard her, and the girls decide that “girl power” will prevail, and it’s time to kick one of the men off the tribe. They choose JP due to his “I’m king of the island and you are my handmaiden” attitude. We watch as Steph proves that she should be an actress as she simpers and coos about her inevitable departure.

New Footage: Turn That Nate Around

The girls all gang up on Brad to change his vote and vote off JP rather than Steph. Steph explains that she wasn’t really serious about leaving, and that if they get rid of JP instead of her, he and the other men can vote on which girl has the most attractive armpits. Brad agrees, but they need one more man to make this work, and they also need … gulp … Parvati. Parvati hems and haws, and plays with the front of her bikini (surprising, since she was talking to a female) and we are left to wonder if she will give up JP from her harem. Next, it’s on to Nate, who exclaims “NO, NO, NO, you guys are stupid!” and rolls over. At TC everyone but Nate votes JP out. Ding, Dong, the king is dead.

New Footage: Ozzy Can’t Find His Harriet

Poor Ozzy, even on a deserted island he can’t get a date. Of course, that may be due to the fact that 1) you can’t complain that the women are all eating bonbons and non-working deadweight and 2) you don’t interrupt an important pit hair discussion – ever.

Ozzy asks the girls if any of them would like to go on a “diving date” and is met with stony silence. Finally, Candice explains, “sorry, I get cold.” Funny, she didn’t seem to mind that frigidity when it was ADAM who asked. Ozzy walks away dejected, rejected and totally un-inspected. Cao Boi tries to make him feel better by venting that all the women “don’t appreciate, they just eat.” Score one for the booby molester. NOT!

On day 13, Steph again botches a challenge and brings up her recurring dream of mashed potatoes, and she’s now history. Ra shudders and says, “It’s nothing like Jenna and Heidi with chocolate and peanut butter.”

New Scene: The New Adversaries of Old Cristina

After tribal council, Cristina returns to camp and cries that nobody likes her. The tribe pretty much tells her to get over herself and sleep it off, but in the morning she still can’t leave the subject alone. Adam, who is leaning against a throne/log ala JP “tells her like it is” and that is that she’s annoying, no one likes her – did he mention annoying? -- she’s a cop and nobody likes idiot cops who are bossy, boorish and give you hassles on the way home from airports on the Baltimore Washington Parkway. At the Raro TC, the argument continues but Cristina is sent packing. She reminds the tribe that she’s a cop and that they can expect hefty parking ticket fines in their future.

Meanwhile, it’s Aitu’s turn to face TC. But first, Jeffy’s got to toss a fly into the feast, by telling Raro to “kidnap” a member of the other Tribe. They pick Nate, who for the first time in his TC history does not hang his head in his hands – he’s too busy stuffing his face full of lamb.

Before TC, Cao Boi unveils his new “Voodoo Economics Voting” plan. (Ok, it’s Plan Voodoo for all you “get it accurately” types.) Whatever you call it, it fails because the tribe is sick of Cao Boi’s long stories, forehead burns, bad winds, and booby molestations. In the new, never before seen exit interview, Cao Boi tells Ra that he relied on Oriental honor to carry him through, but obviously those “other Orientals” were never taught the old lessons by their parents. Zen gardeners everywhere rejoice that their job is the one job Cao Boi never attempted.

Next Week on Survivor

Next week on Survivor, we will be going back to the same tired footage that you don’t want to see, but will be forced to sit through again during the reunion episode. But, if you are still interested after reading this report, here is what you have to look forward to:

Thirteen players remain (in case you lost count).
Nate has a strategy. (Wow, who knew?) Well, at least his eyes have been opened now. With Hula dancers and strangely leafed warriors with weapons running at him or us.
Somebody gets something in a bottle. Is it rotgut? Or Jim Croce?
They have only ten seconds to change their “fate in the game.” Their fates were sealed a long time ago and cast adrift, Jeffy.
What new songs shall be sung around a campfire? Or is this yet another horrible poem message that isn’t even fit for tree mail?
Flicka wonders what page she’s on. Like she can read.
Ozzy's 401K skyrockets while lightening bolts descend, giving someone a beating. Oh, shudder, Fear of God and Dow combined.
Nate and Rebecca get giddy over spearing some nondescript sea creature.

Ra and I are returning to the Temple, where all the new “footage” of Parvati will mysteriously “disappear” into the ether.

(Ahem, cough.) Ra says, “I’ve burned a DVD of all her stuff that’s on it’s way to Hong Kong already, ‘bun, for replication and a worldwide distribution. It’s entrepreneurial, for the kids, you know.”

Damn the octopi, full steam ahead!