1) Ryan Star – R.E.M. “Losing my Religion”
Color me surprised. I thought this was going to suck. It was great. When Tommy started waxing enthusiastic about his lovely ballad, which Ryan would render so sweetly, did anyone else think of Nigel Tufnel's "Suck my Love Pump"?

2) Storm Large – David Bowie “Changes”
Lvoe Bowie, not so crazy about this song, but she did it with personal style and has again really really impressed me.

3) Dilana – Bad Company “Can’t Get Enough”
Great. Always great. But that song's as easy as it comes. And rocking right in front of the judges was hardly the unique gesture it was proclaimed to be...

4) Magni – Coldplay “Clocks”
For consistency's sake, let's call him Mr. Consistency. I like following a smart herd. Plus he's really attractive. We will weep all over his reunion scenes, I'm sure.

Reykjavik!

5) Josh Logan – Sublime “Santeria”
Nice guy, nice song, wrong band.

6) Zayra Alvarez – Tommy Tutone “867-5309”
Sneetch and I enjoyed this. She's sort of like the intermission act between real competitors. If she weren't European we would probably find her pathetic, but because we pretend we're neopolitan, and because she pours herself into each weird new performance, and really changed up this song and so it sounded eccentric and fresh, she gets the number 6 spot. She doesn't BORE ME LIKE:

7) Toby Rand – Nirvana “Pennyroyal Tea”
He's so cute. He's so sincere. He is SO BORING.

8) Dana Andrews – The Who “Baba O’ Riley”
Another case of "I sing into my hairbrush better than that." She MUST leave and give AI a shot.

9) Patrice Pike – Stevie Wonder “Higher Ground”
She's not bad, she's just mediocre. It's always like Andrea from Beverly Hills 90210 trying to growl like Brenda might. I think she's too small to sing as loud as she wants. I always think of Suzanne Vega when she performs. Still, hard to imagine anyone standing out when they are bathing Tommy Lee (who is a fine drummer in my books) in mega klieglights.

10) Lukas Rossi – Hole “Celebrity Skin”
Soooooooooooooooooo bad. Just so bad. The only reason why this particular debacle (and he obviously knew it was awful) is not at the bottom of the list is because I still simply LOATHE ....

11) Jill Gioia – Simple Minds “Don’t You Forget About Me”
Yes Jill, we will forget ALL about you, just as soon as we get you the hell off our screen.