***Official Summary: The Bachelor, Episode 4 – Television's Great Marine Disasters***

Previously on The Bachelor: Twenty-five women from across America came to California to audition for the role of first mate to Captain Bob. A freak storm washed ten weeping women overboard on the first night, followed shortly thereafter by the drowning deaths of five more. The remaining ten women then voted for whom they believed to be the most and least seaworthy of Captain Bob, with Meredith winning an interminably long date that was only made longer by the fact that her grandmother had just kicked the bucket. Kelly Jo, Misty and Mary dressed in jammies and sang sea chanteys in a farcical group date. Captain Bob swabbed everyone’s decks.

Captain Bob dates Castaway LeeAnn

Bob’s first date of the episode is with LeeAnn. He rides to the Bachelorette house in a gorgeous vintage limo and ponders the significance of the shipmates voting LeeAnn least compatible. Bob’s voice-over says that he wants to make sure LeeAnn is who he thinks she is, and that the ladies voting her least compatible makes him think that there is something he doesn’t know. Well, what do you know? I didn’t realize that there was anything that could make Bob think.

First Mate’s Compatibility Quiz Question 1: When Captain Bob shows up for a date wearing a white shirt and a silvery white tie, you should tell him he looks like -
A. your knight in shining armor.
B. the captain of your heart.
C. one sexy seaman.
D. a big round life raft.

As Bob ponders his date on the long drive to the Bachelorette house, LeeAnn gets ready for the big evening. Karin helps LeeAnn remove large flotation devices from her hair while LeeAnn gloats over the backfired plan of her competitors. A few people get in a bit of a tizzy over the fact that LeeAnn only has one hour to ready herself and they try to incite the masses to help her. Those with sense remind the do-gooders that LeeAnn is a brat who not only doesn’t deserve help, but would most likely shun it were it offered.

Suddenly, the rapid report of gunfire echoes through the house. No, wait, that’s only Bob knocking on the door. The boy has a heavy hand. LeeAnn comes down to greet her beau and snootily reminds the other girls not to wait up for her. Okay, for those of you who watched this episode, raise your hand if you exclaimed, “It took her an hour to do that!” After all the time spent with enormous curlers in her hair and all the teasing and blow-drying and help from Karin, LeeAnn clips her brunette locks back in a barrette. Her normal style. I just laughed my rear end off over that. The girl must have a lot of bad hair days.

Bob and LeeAnn are whisked away to Long Beach, the home of the Queen Mary. Bob is looking forward to a romantic evening on the water, even though the Queen Mary is in dry dock and won’t be sailing anywhere with only one of her three engines remaining and that one is just for show. All the twinkling lights in the background, which by day are industrial yards, add to the romance. LeeAnn, feeling like Cinderella without the humility, tells Bob that she is shocked that she was voted least compatible. It’s at this point that the producers give us a brief montage of those who voted against her.
Kelly Jo: For least compatible, I vote for LeeAnn.
Meredith: LeeAnn
Misty: LeeAnn is least compatible.
Mary: I’m voting for LeeAnn
Antoinette: (a weepy sigh during which she holds up her LeeAnn card)
I could just watch that Antoinette clip all night. It’s really funny.

In confessional, LeeAnn tells us that the only reason everyone voted her least compatible is because they’re all jealous of the connection she made with Bob. Yeah, right. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s a heinous b!tch.

Bob, hoping to comfort LeeAnn, tells her, “I think everyone is still your friend.” LeeAnn disabuses him of the notion and invites him to get to know her, to find out that she’s the same person she is with him as she is when she goes home and not some mega-b!tch. Hey, she said it, I didn’t.

First Mate’s Compatibility Quiz Question 2: When Captain Bob asks your acquaintances to name one ship that describes your personality, he would hear -
A. The Love Boat, because you’re affectionate and enjoy cuddling.
B. The Princess, because you’re elegant and refined.
C. Carnival’s Fun Ship, because you’re humorous and adventurous.
D. The Titanic, because you’re pretentious and not as secure as you think you are.

Back at the house
The last date box arrives. It’s a large picnic basket full of bikinis, everyone’s favorite picnic food. Estella, Karin, Jenny, Antoinette and Brooke get to make a splash at Hurricane Harbor. Karin accurately states that they are getting the short end of the stick (Bob + water park = shrinkage), and that the unwritten message is “You’re going home after the next rose ceremony.” Girl can read between the lines.

Shipboard date continues
Captain Bob is satisfied with the evening thus far, but one critical question remains: What do you like about me? LeeAnn is thrown for a loop. She thinks the whole evening, indeed the whole century, is about her and doesn’t even consider that Bob might want to steer the topic of conversation in his direction. After a pregnant pause, LeeAnn says, “We just clicked. I like your personality. I like your dimples. I like your curls.” Bob threatens her with psychosis, baldness and massive weight gain to erase the dimples. LeeAnn sarcastically replies that she would leave him, but like all true stalkers, she really won’t.

It’s right about now that the big show of the evening begins. ABC has arranged for Bob and LeeAnn to have their own personal fireworks show. Bob thinks the pyrotechnics are a’ight, but LeeAnn has a much stronger opinion. For her, they were O-R-G-A-S-M-I-C. She even illustrates with her hand shaped like an O. At this point I’m wondering how she teaches the long vowel sounds to her 2nd grade students. “Boys and girls, the long O sound can be found in the word ‘orgasmic’.” Which words does she use for the long A, E, I and U?

Back at the house
Meredith and Kelly Jo seem to be having their own one-on-one date. Unfortunately, it isn’t as full of fireworks as Bob and LeeAnn’s. It does, however, have as much water. The women are crying over Meredith's dead grandmother, ranting about how unfair it is that granny would die at such an inopportune time. Yeah, death is like that - totally inconsiderate of the schedules of the living. Meredith’s emotions are all over the map. She’s angry, sad, pissed off, happy (huh?), and aggressive. In fact, she states that she wants to punch someone. Kelly Jo readily offers herself up as Meredith’s punching bag. Makes me wonder about Kelly Jo. How long will it be before The Smoking Gun (BTW, you guys are gods!) finds out about Kelly Jo’s masochistic “modeling” history?

First Mate’s Compatibility Quiz Question 3: Every captain wants a first mate who refrains from loudly crying –
A. “All aboard!”
B. “Full steam ahead!”
C. “Aye, aye captain!”
D. all night long over nothing in particular.

Shipboard date continues
We get back to the Queen Mary only to witness the spectacle of Bob and LeeAnn dancing to the accompaniment of a string quartet. They keep thanking each other for being there when they really should be thanking ABC. They smooch and giggle because Bob must smooch and giggle with every female within 100 feet. The women in the string quartet are nervously awaiting their turns.

LeeAnn, in confessional, tells us that she never wants the date to end. She wants to click her heels together three times and end up back in Detroit with Bob. What’s the matter with these girls who click their heels together three times? Dorothy ends up in Kansas and LeeAnn wants Detroit?! Jeez girls, there are more interesting, glamorous and fun destinations on this planet. If you had gone on a quality reality show, like Survivor or The Amazing Race, you might have been able to visit them. BTW, did anyone catch TAR4’s Kelly on Karen Sisco the other night?

On the way back to the limo, Bob again tells LeeAnn how stunning she looks. Her answer? “I know it.” Typical.

One last word about the Queen Mary before we leave it for good. It's a pretty cool daytime destination. There are plenty of tours, including one that focuses on the ghosts of the ship. It used to be a hotel too. If it still is, stay the night!

Captain Bob dates Castaways Karin, Antoinette, Jenny, Estella and Brooke

The captain pulls up in his land barge dressed in his casuals. He knocks on the door again, and again it sounds like the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Rat-a-tat-tat! The lovely, bikini-clad swabs jump into the RV which is left over from every previous Bachelor installment and head off to Hurricane Harbor and then back to Bob’s for more fun in the ---(anticipation is building)--- POOL! This date was a whole lot of blah for me, so I’ll summarize each lady’s experience.

Karin: She has a mostly miserable day. She isn’t digging the slides or anything else water related at the water park. Karin fully admits that swimsuits are for showing off her smoking body and that water is strictly for personal hygiene and hydration. Karin does take off for a bit of “shade” with the guy who measures the level of chlorine in the wave pool. She comes back looking very relaxed and smelling of chemicals. Jenny says that Karin is high maintenance, and since Karin lets the pool boy do all the maintenance, I think that this might bother Bob.

Jenny: Jenny tells Bob about her failed five year relationship with an elderly oil tycoon. Unfortunately she doesn’t have boobs the size of Anna Nicole Smith, nor does she carry Smith’s ability to be the target of a joke disguised as a TV show, so Jenny’s fight with the elderly tycoon’s elderly children hasn’t been in the news. Jenny does kill her chances with Bob by admitting that she doesn’t know what she wants and she overanalyzes stuff. Bob’s thoughts drift off to a future conflict:
Bob: So, what do you want to do today?
Jenny: I don’t know. Whatever.
Bob: So, do you want me to pick something?
Jenny: What!? Are you saying that you don’t trust me to pick an activity? (starts sobbing)

Antoinette: I try not to make fun of people named Antoinette. That’s my younger sister’s name and I love her very much. But some Antoinettes just set themselves up for it (see Marie Antoinette and all that cake nonsense). First there was the uncontrollable wailing when voting for compatibility, now there is inane pool-time chatter. She asks Bob if he likes dating multiple women. He responds, “Yeah! What are you? High?”
Bob finally figures out what Antoinette’s glazed eyes and nonsensical gobbledy-gook are attributed to. Antoinette goes on to tell Bob about her dreams to own her own poppy/marijuana farm in the backwoods of Michigan. She wraps her legs around his waist and explains how sexy she finds tilling and fertilizing. Bob pries her legs loose after some mild necking and swims away to a better fish. Antoinette thinks that they made a connection, but I must refer you back to Bob + water = shrinkage to assure you that they did not.

Estella: Estella’s alone time with Bob lasts all of about three minutes in real time which translates to thirty seconds in ABC time. They giggle and kiss and talk about compatibility. Did anyone else notice that for a split second she looked like Natalie Portman? Anyway, Estella becomes interesting when she confesses in the hot tub that she, like Bob, has kissed everyone present. The conversation then goes to a comparison between Bob’s kisses and Estella’s kisses. Since we're under orders to keep these summaries strictly PG-13, I cannot divulge the contents of this discussion. I can say that Estella leaves the hot tub with a smug smile on her face while Bob's hangdog expression takes him one step closer to completely unattractive.

First Mate’s Compatibility Quiz Question 4: Captain Bob is looking for a first mate who will -
A. be an example of loyalty to the crew.
B. steer his tiller with diligence.
C. keep his cabin in shipshape condition.
D. incite a mutiny against him and his manhood.

Brooke: I know that I wrote earlier that Brooke was on this date. However, she didn't get any camera time, so technically she wasn't on the date. I guess I could make up something about her group date experience, but I'm not the type of person to fictionalize real life events that I see on TV.

Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

Captain Bob's goal of the evening is to spend time with each of the first mate candidates so that he can finalize his top six picks. He thinks that five of the roses are already claimed and he's trying to find Miss Six. If he picks LeeAnn, then he's found Miss Six-Six-Six.

He first pulls Brooke aside, she who was MIA during the group date. They talk about their hometowns of Detroit and Memphis and come to the conclusion that they will always have homes to go to. Translation: If I leave you, Bob, I'm running home to Memphis.

Misty gets the next turn in the hotseat. They call each other "sweetheart" a lot. That's really cute and it implies that they have made a connection. Oh, but I forgot. Bob has made a connection with everybody, and like his kissing, it means nothing. Bob wants Misty to ask him questions and Misty wants Bob to ask her questions. Then they just joke about the number of women Bob is currently dating. Okay, if no one is going to ask questions, I'll ask them. Bob, why are you becoming less attractive with every show? Misty, did Estella kiss you too?

Girl Talk: Back in the living room with the women, all click their champagne glasses in celebration of being among the top ten of Captain Bob's first mate choices. Then before they can guzzle the cheap Freixenet, Jenny wants to make one more toast to staying in touch when all this Bobapalooza madness is over. All the women click their glasses again except LeeAnn. She is holding her champagne flute in one hand, flipping the ladies off with the other and chugging away. This isn't the first glass of alcohol she's slammed tonight, and it won't be the last.

Kelly Jo gets some quiet time with the cap'n next. She wants to impress upon him that she isn't 100% immature and that she has a serious side. She states that her heart is out there. If Bob wants to embrace it, she would be the happiest woman in the room. Right there in that moment, I really liked Kelly Jo. I was so glad that she didn't say the happiest woman in the world. That is such an overused exaggeration on sappy shows like this. In confessional, Kelly Jo explains that the stakes are high and Bob has to cut a large chunk of the girls. Ewww. That makes Bob sound like an axe murderer. Yet another step closer to completely unattractive.

Meredith's time alone with Bob was a little weird. They went back over the emotionally gut-wrenching time of grandma's death. Bob concluded that the date was all the better for having to deal with grief. I hope Bob doesn't let LeeAnn know this. She just may arrange for the deaths of two of her relatives for their next date.

Girl Talk: Karin takes a slightly tipsy LeeAnn aside for a fireside chat. I think Karin wants to gently chastise LeeAnn for her b!tchy behavior, but LeeAnn interrupts. LeeAnn rants, "I can have any guy I want. I'm not having fun anymore. It was all fun and games until I made a connection with Bob." LeeAnn basically thinks that everyone has witnessed her unique relationship with Bob and is trying to sabotage it. This girl is so self-centered. She then turns her evil eye on Karin, perhaps her only friend (and boy, do I use that term loosely) in the house. "I really don't think I should have to share a guy with nine other women. I'm too good for this sh!t, and if you don't realize that, then open your eyes." Does LeeAnn have these conversations in her head before she opens her mouth? Has she ever opened her own eyes to see what's going on around her? Did she say mega-b!tch earlier in the episode? Yeah, I thought so.

Captain Bob fetches Mary, the Latina temptress, for a little cabeza-a-cabeza. She tells him the two things that every hetero man on the planet wants to hear. First, on Sunday afternoons she has to watch football (think There's Something About Mary). Second, she'll go down faster than the Spanish Armada. Bob is thrilled and starts crazily nodding his head and remarking, "Sí, sí!"

Girl Talk: Karin is still trying to bring LeeAnn down from the ivory tower she's living in. She tells LeeAnn to be prepared, but we don't know what she's telling her to be prepared for. Any ideas? Be prepared for rejection? Be prepared for hostility? Be prepared for a smack upside the head from Jenny? LeeAnn assures Karin that she is fine, she's always fine and that she doesn't cry. Then LeeAnn begs Karin to talk about something other than Bob because she's so tired of talking about Bob all the time.

First Mate’s Compatibility Quiz Question 5: It's likely that Captain Bob is a genuine DAW. If so, he is searching for a first mate who can knowledgeably discuss -
A. the weather and its effect on fish populations.
B. navigational techniques of the lost seafaring civilizations.
C. the evolution of the sailing vessel and the steam vessel.
D. Captain Bob all the live long day.

At this time, LeeAnn gets her wish. She's not going to talk about Bob. She's going to talk to Bob. He fetches her and heads out to the conversation bench. Bob, who up until now has been quite clueless, senses that something is going on with LeeAnn tonight. She tells him that she's fine, then confesses that she's not having fun and is, in fact, just hanging in there. LeeAnn goes on to rant drunkenly. Her complaints are:
1. LeeAnn doesn't enjoy waiting for a rose.
2. LeeAnn doesn't like the odds of 10:1.
3. Bob gets to make out with everyone.
4. LeeAnn pays too many taxes.
5. LeeAnn isn't guaranteed anything.
6. LeeAnn doesn't know where she stands.
7. No one has found the body of Jimmy Hoffa.
8. Living in the house with all the competitors is difficult.
9. Bob doesn't understand how hard it is for her.
10. Meredith's neck is too damn long.
11. LeeAnn has never been a source of controversy in her life.
12. LeeAnn didn't sign up for this.
13. Wendy's salads are better than McDonald's salads, yet McDonald's french fries are better than Wendy's french fries.
14. LeeAnn has no idea where she stands. (Repeat of #6)
15. LeeAnn doesn't want to look like a weepy b!tch.
Okay, let's tackle these issues for LeeAnn.
1. Then leave the show.
2. Then leave the show.
3. Give Bob a break. This may be the last chance he has to make out with multiple partners.
4. We all do, honey. We all do.
5. Then leave the show.
6. Then leave the show.
7. We've found it. We just haven't told you about it.
8. Then leave the show.
9. Yeah, well, Bob doesn't understand much.
10. I've got to agree on this one.
11. Yeah, right.
12. You did. It's called a contract.
13. I've got to agree on this one too.
14. Then leave the show.
15. LeeAnn, you are a b!tch. The weeping is just a bonus.

Deliberation Time
Bob sits down to one more heart to heart chat, this time with the show's host. Cappy states that LeeAnn gave him deeper insight into what's going on in the house. I wouldn't trust LeeAnn's perspective there, Wonderboy. Captain Bob decides that he's finally going to use the room for what it's meant for - deliberating. What has he been using the room for prior to past rose ceremonies?

Chris snatches up the roses (you know he wants one) on the way out the door and reminds Bob to watch the video messages. The camera shots keep flipping back and forth between Captain Bob with a goofy grin on his face and the videos from each woman.

First up is Jenny: Bob, I really like you. I also had a really wonderful time at the water park with Estella, splishing with Estella, splashing with Estella, sliding with Estella.

Misty: I've enjoyed being able to spend more time with you. Our relationship is moving to a deeper level. And by deeper, I mean better, not deeper as in the bottom of a barrel.

Meredith: Thanks for being supportive. This has been a trying time emotionally. And my neck isn't too damn long.

Estella: I find it hard to let go of you, especially when you're leaving a hot tub in a huff. I really do want to spend some time alone with you.

Mary: Te amo. Te amo. Mis brazos son abiertos. Mi corazon es abierto. Quiero cantar contigo por muchos años en el futuro.

Karin: Um, we have a lot in common, I think. Uh, I'm just getting to know you better. Let's see . . . I would like a rose. Um, okay, that's all I have to say.

Brooke: There are so many special things that I want to share with you about myself that will set me aside from the other girls. But let me share with you a song from Trisha Yearwood - I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis. Gonna don these blue suede shoes. These cowboy boots gettin' kind of restless. Ain't gotta single thing to l-o-o-o-se in D-e-e-e-troit with B-o-o-o-o-b.

Antoinette: (a weepy sigh during which she holds up her "Hi Bob" card)

Kelly Jo: You said that I surprise you. I want to keep on surprising you. Surprise!

LeeAnn: I thought that I might bring up this least compatible stuff again, but I think we've beaten that horse to death. And I don't beat horses to death, especially if the horse's name is Least Compatible. Well, we proved people wrong about our compatibility. Let's keep proving them wrong, because I am not least compatible with you.

Now Captain Bob turns to the bookshelf of photos for his last phase of deliberation. He picks up LeeAnn's photo for the fourth week in a row! We hear him say that he doesn't want to break anyone's heart and this whole Bachelor thing is more than he bargained for. Boo hoo. Same old story from the other freaks who thought they could find their lifelong mates on TV.

The Most Sacred Rose Ceremony Performed Since Time Immemorial by Captains Looking for a First Mate

Chris gathers the women in their semi-circle where they await the captain. He explains that the night has a different mood and that Bob has a tough decision. Chris then turns to LeeAnn and notes that she has sobered up after the pot of coffee the executive producers poured down her throat during the last ten minutes.

Captain Bob comes into the room and says, "Tonight was crazy. You have all amazed me. You all have left an unbelievable impression. Unfortunately, I only have six roses to give to six first mate candidates. Four of you must walk the plank and join your predecessors in Davy Jones's locker." This reference is completely lost on all the first mate candidates who start muttering "Is this Jones guy another bachelor in search of a wife? Is he better looking than Bob?"

The women who receive roses are Mary, Kelly Jo, Brooke, Estella, Meredith, and LeeAnn. There are hugs all around as Karin, Jenny, Antoinette and Misty say good-bye. LeeAnn thanks Karin for being such a good friend to her. She then states in confessional that she knows she will be one of the last girls standing and isn't it a relief that Jenny is gone.

Jenny approaches Bob and begs him to remain her friend. I kid you not. She said "Please" five times. She then tells us that she doesn't compete for guys. Of course not, honey. You'll only do it on television where we can all experience your shame. Then when you lose, you beg. Jenny, I used to like you, now I pity you.

Antoinette is just as emotional as before. No need for further comment.

Karin swears that she would rather leave now than have her heart broken later. Yeah, I don't think Karin's heart was ever in much danger when it came to Bob.

Misty, well, Misty's just sad. She thought she had found Mr. Right. Poor Misty. Go home and grow up.

There is one more shot of Captain Bob toasting with the remaining candidates. This is the token end-of-show scene and the extra liquor just sends LeeAnn one step closer to a raging drunken brawl with anyone stupid enough to get in her way.

Next Week on The Bachelor
Jamie from The Bachelorette shows up to help screen the candidates. Oh, and claws come out, people are falling in love and Meredith is going to seal someone's mouth shut with duct tape. Dajaki's typical Wednesday night.